I don’t want to do another holiday with DSS

[Penelopevoncleef]

Simple as what the title says. Whether I get bull dozed for this or not but I’m at the end of my tether

quick background, me & dh share two toddlers age 3 & 2 and he has DSS age 9 who is with us EOW. We love our holidays abroad and work very hard to save up for them. DSS has always been on every holiday with us and never missed school as we make sure it’s not term time when we book. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

so the last couple of years our holidays have been tricky with DSS and to be honest I find him ungrateful. Last year over the Christmas holidays we were very kindly treated to Disneyland Paris off my parents who’d had a pay out. It was what they wanted to spend the money on and they booked and paid for the whole thing, including our spends (we provided the children’s spends for things like toys/ keepsakes).
anyway DSS behaviour was diabolical, the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for, not the theming. I felt really sad for my parents for this. Then following that it was 3 days of complaining and moaning about being bored, wanting to go on all the big rides but there were huge queues and didn’t want to wait, constantly demanding food and drinks. Just blatantly ungrateful. So after day 1 I had to say to dh, for all our sake, that we would separate and I would go off and do all the ‘baby stuff’ with the little ones so DSS wasn’t bored. We managed to salvage the trip and my toddlers loved it, but they kept asking where daddy was and dh was upset he missed them meeting Woody and going on the rides with them. In those circumstances I didn’t know what to do for best, I didn’t want the trip to be ruined and I wanted everyone to enjoy it as much as possible. My toddlers can’t go on the big rides and DSS hasn’t got the patience or tolerance for jointing in the smaller rides or meeting characters and watching parades.

anyway this brings me to our Easter holiday - this year we went to Tenerife and honestly I was dreading it. And I wasn’t wrong to feel like that. I basically spent 10 days with my toddlers by myself - one of which still had a nap so I had to co ordinate that too whilst still entertaining the older one in the baby pool. DSS was in a constant sulk, it was too hot, air con was too cold, food wasn’t nice, pool was boring, Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough, wanted to sit in the hotel room a lot, in the end it honestly wasn’t work the sulking or the kick off when trying to be strict with him. dh ended up following him around and I was with our toddler on my own which was bloody hard work. Also he was very unkind to my 3 year old who was ‘getting on his nerves’ and flung all of his toy fish into the pool when he was playing at the side.

im honestly don’t work working really hard and paying half towards these holidays and not enjoying it. I don’t think I’m selfish in feeling like that. My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children. We just feel it’s not right to take our other two children away and leave him at home with his mum who never has and probably never will take him anywhere.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

I agree to some extent but, I think Mum deserves a holiday with her kids and their Dad too.

Look at all the holiday threads on mn op, kids are awful on holidays- especially the ones that you’d expect them to be grateful for!! (And especially Disney) They're overtired, they’ve had to travel, they’re hot (or cold!) and have had ages of everyone building it up, they’re not eating properly, they’re walking thousands of steps. I disagree with people saying just don’t take him, it sounds like his mum can’t afford holidays(myself and dh are having problems at the moment, if we break up I won’t be able to afford to take them on foreign holidays and he will)

Why don’t you do a term time cheaper holiday and your husband takes the 9 year old somewhere appropriate for a 5 day holiday in the summer holidays? I take my kids together and separately because there is a 5 year age gap. Works well.

May have missed any updates, but based on OP's original post, I'd say that some ground rules need to be made before the next trip, and if DSS breaks them then maybe he doesn't get to come on the one after that. He's getting older and should be able to understand consequences and hopefully do better next time.

I do think it would be cruel not to invite him. However, sounds like he might be trying to get the DH all to himself, which has worked so far. I feel bad for the boy but it's not fair to any of the rest of you, especially your parents as you mentioned with the Disney trip.

He's old enough to understand that if he doesn't behave, he doesn't get to go. And he doesn't get to run off with daddy if he is making the trip miserable for the rest of you, either. Maybe next time he starts acting up, he gets to sit in the hotel with daddy, no screens, and see how long before he changes his attitude!

we’re going away and aren’t taking you as we know you wouldn’t want to come as you never enjoyed previous holidays. It might make him buck up his ideas and behave better when you do take him again.

For the love of God, don't say this to the poor kid. He's only nine. His dad barely sees him and seems to favour the children he lives with. If either of my parents had told me when I was nine that they didn't want to go on holiday with me, I would have been distraught.

We have a 15 year age gap between step som and our younger kids

same jam with holidays

we just did some trips together and then some without him in term time - just didn’t mention them !

and sometimes husband would take oldest away alone !!

don’t think you need to do everything together all the time

Sorry my post did not make much sense. Was walking and typing.

My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children.

He's fucking useless father, then. He only sees his eldest every other weekend, lives with his younger children full-time, and then complains that he isn't spending enough time with the younger ones? Seriously? What did he think having children with such a big age gap would be like? Of course the nine-year-old doesn't want to do "baby stuff"!

I think it’s partly that your SS isn’t spending enough time with you as a family when you’re not on holiday. You say he stays alternate weekends, that’s really not much time for him to feel a part of your family unit and to get used to having younger siblings. He’s then thrust into a holiday, where, as everyone has said, he will want to take part in more fun things than trailing around with two toddlers. I think you and you OH are expecting far too much from a nine year old, why not include him in the planning, he’s a kid he wants to go away, to have fun, why not ask him if he’d prefer to go with his dad so they can do more grown up things than carousels and roundabouts, he would probably much prefer that. You will build huge barriers by just excluding him, he’s only a child, you need to remember that.

This !!!! My daughter is 14 and is awful on holiday . Stays in her room not keen on the pool or spending time with us etc . Last year we left her with the grandparents and took her brother abroad . That wasn’t great either !!!

this year I’m scared to book anything . Teenage kids are hard in my experience especially getting a holiday that suits everyone . That’s impossible here and it gets you down

Big age gap and he sounds bored. Perhaps missing his mum as well. Can your dh afford to do something separate holiday wise just him and his son. Most 9 year olds would be bored playing with toddlers I think, Dh needs quality time with all of them.

Exactly this … I really think your OH has to do a review of how he is actually treating his son and how much time he spends with him. He needs to consider how does nine year old feel when he only sees his Dad once every fourteen days and then has to spend that time with his Dad fussing over two toddlers.
No wonder the poor boy is unhappy.

I think a lot of it is normal 9 year old behaviour. You can't expect him to want to play with a toddler or be happy about sharing his holiday with them. It's pretty normal for one spouse to go with the older kid so that he gets to do stuff too.

He's your stepson so you naturally have less patience for it but you do just have to suck it up.

The only concerning behaviour is from your DH. He needs to give him more attention, patience but also a bit of discipline i.e. parent.

So your DH missed not being there when the toddlers met Woody for the rides? Does 'daddy' miss not being there when his 9 y.o. comes from school with a problem? Wants help with his homework or just a talk 'man-to-man'?
So the toddlers were asking where is daddy when they went on rides? How about this 9 y.o. asking where is daddy when he is unhappy, bullied at school, or just does not know what to do sometimes?
But you have played your cards well, whatever you were doing as your husband now 'begins to resent his own son'.

Would you take this approach with your eldest dc. Take the sc out of the equation. If it was just your eldest dc behaving like this what would you do.

Is he doing it on purpose to get time alone with dad? He sees him 4 days a month which is so little and his half siblings get him full time so he potentially has figured out a way to get more dad time. Also - with kids of different ages you often divide and conquer- that’s how it works well and is fair, but because he’s not your child, you’re resenting this…. And he probably senses being unwanted and acts out accordingly. Maybe some support from a family therapist or clinical psychologist to think about how to move forward as a family?
also - his mother not being able to afford holidays isn’t really something to bring up when she’s is the care provider 7/8 of the time.

I don't blame you.

It seems a holiday with toddlers isn't for him either.

I'd book something during term time and let your DH take him camping/ premier inn/ hotel depending on your budget and do something he wants to like a theme park, climbing wall, Arial course etc so he gets a bit more age appropriate time.

You don't have to say never again. He will change as will your toddlers but take advantage of not needing school holidays while you can.

Interesting how people seem to be advocating expensive holiday abroad for toddlers and then a cheap camping trip for DSS. How to make him feel welcome

At the very least he got to enjoy some theme park rides with his son. Wasn’t that fun at all? I LOVE watching how excited my kids are doing this stuff as they grow up. They’re braver than me now. But it was so much fun to do things like that with them. Far more fun (dare I say) than queuing to meet a bloke in a suit ever was.

He probably didn’t realise that his holiday to Disney would involve sitting on a merry go round with a toddler or his beach holiday would be a case of.. Enjoy the toddler splash pool or you won’t come again.
Think of it from his point of view, he has a dad who he only sees once a fortnight so of course he wants to come on the holiday, but it needs to be a holiday that’s enjoyable for him to.
It sounds like ultimately he is crying out for some quality time with his dad.

I feel so sorry for this boy.

He's expected to be grateful he gets taken on holiday with his father. He sees his father around 60 days per year. The OP clearly resents him and now his father is whinging about not getting enough time with his other children.

We didn’t take my step son on any of our abroad holidays but that was solely down to his mum not allowing it and the court ordered times not providing for it.

I genuinely feel sorry for your children. The lack of emotional intelligence on display in your posts is astounding.

Not as much as a child does.

And I would bet she didn’t tell him that she was blocking it either. Just made it seem as though you decided your family holiday didn’t need to include him.

i never understand why people can’t let go of their animosity towards and ex so that their kids can have a full life. My friends ex refuses for her to take the children anywhere and the way the days work she never gets a full week to be able to take them somewhere. He does it to control her, but it’s the kids that lose out