I don’t want to do another holiday with DSS

[Penelopevoncleef]

Simple as what the title says. Whether I get bull dozed for this or not but I’m at the end of my tether

quick background, me & dh share two toddlers age 3 & 2 and he has DSS age 9 who is with us EOW. We love our holidays abroad and work very hard to save up for them. DSS has always been on every holiday with us and never missed school as we make sure it’s not term time when we book. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

so the last couple of years our holidays have been tricky with DSS and to be honest I find him ungrateful. Last year over the Christmas holidays we were very kindly treated to Disneyland Paris off my parents who’d had a pay out. It was what they wanted to spend the money on and they booked and paid for the whole thing, including our spends (we provided the children’s spends for things like toys/ keepsakes).
anyway DSS behaviour was diabolical, the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for, not the theming. I felt really sad for my parents for this. Then following that it was 3 days of complaining and moaning about being bored, wanting to go on all the big rides but there were huge queues and didn’t want to wait, constantly demanding food and drinks. Just blatantly ungrateful. So after day 1 I had to say to dh, for all our sake, that we would separate and I would go off and do all the ‘baby stuff’ with the little ones so DSS wasn’t bored. We managed to salvage the trip and my toddlers loved it, but they kept asking where daddy was and dh was upset he missed them meeting Woody and going on the rides with them. In those circumstances I didn’t know what to do for best, I didn’t want the trip to be ruined and I wanted everyone to enjoy it as much as possible. My toddlers can’t go on the big rides and DSS hasn’t got the patience or tolerance for jointing in the smaller rides or meeting characters and watching parades.

anyway this brings me to our Easter holiday - this year we went to Tenerife and honestly I was dreading it. And I wasn’t wrong to feel like that. I basically spent 10 days with my toddlers by myself - one of which still had a nap so I had to co ordinate that too whilst still entertaining the older one in the baby pool. DSS was in a constant sulk, it was too hot, air con was too cold, food wasn’t nice, pool was boring, Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough, wanted to sit in the hotel room a lot, in the end it honestly wasn’t work the sulking or the kick off when trying to be strict with him. dh ended up following him around and I was with our toddler on my own which was bloody hard work. Also he was very unkind to my 3 year old who was ‘getting on his nerves’ and flung all of his toy fish into the pool when he was playing at the side.

im honestly don’t work working really hard and paying half towards these holidays and not enjoying it. I don’t think I’m selfish in feeling like that. My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children. We just feel it’s not right to take our other two children away and leave him at home with his mum who never has and probably never will take him anywhere.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

I suppose it might be useful to go back to the regularly repeated comment here - what would you do if this was simply your older child, as he is to your dh? I think these same things could quite well happen with a full sibling/child and you wouldn't have the option to leave them at home, though I can completely understand why you want to! But if you're coming from the perspective of wanting to improve this, it's a useful way of thinking. So, to me, there seems to be a natural issue because of the age difference and splitting up to cover different activities again is pretty normal at times, though you'd hope to minimise it.
You haven't said what dh does when dss behaves like this? He comes across as an unhappy child and perhaps an overindulged child, which often go hand in hand. What are boundaries and behaviour like outside of holiday time? Can dh speak to him separately to the holidays about expectations and whether he enjoys it at all when he behaves as he does? Ask him what would help, tell him what won't be accepted etc.

I want to add, we always ask DSS does he want to come, and he always says yes, it’s not like we book it and drag him along

My son is around this age, he can be a total pain like this. We don’t allow it but he still tries it on. We go away with a big group of friends and the other kids take the pressure off his behaviour husband and I have agreed that we won’t bother going away as just a family as the holiday would be no fun due to his behaviour.

You will get people saying you are being unreasonable because you are a step parent but if you can go away when you don’t have DSS and just not tell him I would. It will only upset him if he knows

I wouldn’t be taking him next time. Go in term time whilst you still can with your little ones. Let THEM have a holiday with their dad!

Your toddlers may turn into this child!

You also have DSS very little during the week if you only have him EOW. Having a reasonable sized age gap between siblings can be hard. Many parents end up having to split their time between the different aged children

This is kind of just how it is with a big age gap. When we go away one of us will often go off with our teen whilst the other stays with the younger DC, then we do some stuff together, then the other adult has some time with the teen.
The issue here is that you're resenting that and expecting DSS to tag along with toddlers the whole time so he's obviously getting frustrated.
That's likely worsening the sulks that all children have at times.

Sounds like you and your dh give in to him and dont punish his behaviour?

I don’t blame you, he’s ruined two holidays, DH has missed out on family time and you’ve had to parent alone on holiday out of routine with 2 toddlers!

I wouldn’t be taking him, and if he asks why I’d say well you didnt enjoy the last two! Maybe DH could take him on a mini break somewhere that would suit his interests eg if he’s into football a trip to an away match with a couple days in which ever city.

The age gap is big and he is too old to want to.play with your little ones or do the same stuff as them. If he was your child it would be the same but maybe he would act up less as he sounds unhappy. The fact that his dad also sounds like he is fed up and doesn't want to go.on holiday with him either is worrying because when yours are older and being pains in the arse, your step son will be more mature but it might be too late to repair a fractured relationship with his dad caused by being left out.

Can you go away whilst he’s with his mum and not tell him?
I can understand your annoyances, but they are SUCH different ages, I can’t believe you didn’t think you’d have to separate to entertain two age groups

Last year when my daughter was 10 my parents asked to take her to Spain. Had a feeling it would be a bad idea as she had just had her first period and moods were of the scale.

My parents said the exact same things, she wouldn’t go in the pool not comfortable wearing costume due to body changing. Hated the heat, the food wanted to be in the hotel room. I felt so bad for them. She said she doesn’t want to go to hot countries anymore she finds the heat too much. I would not take him. I am not taking my daughter abroad because she’s come to an age where she doesn’t enjoy it. Unfortunately my parents had to find out the hard way.

I don't agree with the big age gap comments - we have a big age gap and it's perfectly fine. The older ones love playing with their sibling and everyone gets along.

I also don't agree with the "what would you do if it was your own child" because it's moot point. It's not your own child. And it's infinitely more difficult to be tolerate of someone else's child.

If it were your own child you'd probably give them a roasting and tell them to stop whining and being an ungrateful brat BUT of course, you can't do that as a step-parent and for some reason, most DH's seem to walk on eggshells around their children. I know mine does!

OP, I don't blame you at all for feeling like this. I have also felt like this at times. What I will say is that my stepchildren are now in their teens and it's a lot easier!

Oh dear. I see from your perspective that it’s sub optimal. However looking at it from your stepson’s perspective, it’s not great having much younger siblings to accommodate with naturally very different interests and not having his dad all to himself. He didn’t have any say in the new family set up. What are the positives for him?

Maybe separate holidays on occasion are the way to go.

I hope your husband did some educating of your stepson about the gratitude he ought to have felt to your parents for funding his holiday and the basics of courtesy in avoiding complaining - at least in their hearing. However much of what you recount sounds like pretty standard 9 year old (ill) behaviour. The remedy is patient education - not the nuclear option of cutting him off.

This is what I was going to say. We have a similar age gap between our DCs - we’re not a blended family so the dynamics may be slightly different, but some of the issues will be the same. I will say, based on my sample size of one, that 9 year olds can be quite arsey! Ours has bags of attitude at the moment and can come across as an entitled brat at times (I love him but he can be really obnoxious at times).

What tends to work for us is a) involving DS9 in the planning to accommodate at least some of his wishes (while pulling him up on obnoxious behaviour with usual discipline/warnings), b) being less spontaneous than we might like in terms of what we do and factor in, and c) accepting this is how things work best for us and we often have to divide and tag team with each child. Are the dynamics such with DSS that you could spend time with him to allow your DH time with the little ones?

I’d be tempted to book an abroad holiday during term time next year with your kids only then a camping holiday in the UK your DSS can go on. Just once, make the most of your toddlers being able to go out of term time

Do a cheaper holiday in term time without him and then get your dh to take him away separately in the holidays. Just days out or a weekend. Does he have a smartphone? Because if so he is probably addicted to it hence wanting to stay in the hotel room on the WiFi.

Honestly, this sounds like totally normal family holiday stuff for an age gap this big. You were always going to have to divide into two groups to meet the different needs here, especially at Eurodisney. Your DSS has been a bit bratty, but have you spent a single minute considering things from his perspective? His only holiday is with his DF, who he sees really very little, so there's massive pressure on it to be GREAT!, and meanwhile to this big disruption of his usual routine is added a SM who resents his existence and two toddler half-siblings who get to be with their whole family all the time and are annoying, because toddlers ARE annoying.

Why does your DH have his son so little? Why did you think you could all be one family group to activities?

I think the issue is giving in to him. Hence he knows if he complains enough he gets his way.

maybe you should work on doing activities every second visit that have some parts that just toddlers, and teach him how to behave on those occasions, and how to be part of the family.

before the next holiday repeatedly tell him the expectations prior. It’s a family holiday. It won’t all be about him. He needs to compromise. Then follow through with consequences.

like Disney for example. Next time tell him if he complains then you won’t do x ride that he wants. And actually follow through.

Luckily for me I travelled a lot when I was younger and I am not overly keen on beach holidays so I am happy to take my DD on a city break to somewhere cooler. I remember hitting an age myself I started staying with my grandmother when my parents went on holidays as I found it really boring.

you all need to have a huge reset. You resent him being there but he is and he is a 9 year old boy who is going to be a bit of a pain.

So firstly he turned up and found out he wasn’t staying at the Marvel Hotel. So first of all if he knew there was a Marvel Hotel why hadn’t you told him where he was staying?
If he knew about another hotel to be upset he was clearly aware of the hotels so that could easily have been dealt with beforehand - why wasn’t it?

then the rest of it seems to be that everything needs to be together - well of course not. We are a family of 4 who do Disney at lot and splitting up is a fairly common occurrence in holidays. Indeed actually in all of our holidays we have time as a 4 and times as 2 in different groups.

Sometimes that age want to be in the hotel room - let them. With different ages work around all of them - your two are as awkward I suspect as he is but you handle them differently

I have similar age gaps though mine are older now.
We also planned holidays to allow for the different ages. A house with a garden and pool is great because little ones can nap while older one is in the pool. Or older one can take a break in the shade with a device.

DLP can be very hard work as a parent if you don’t plan properly. Planning for your DSS to go on the attractions he was interested just as much as planning for your little ones to see Woody.
If you knew there were things you wanted to all be together for then you plan those.
Had your DSS been told in advance which hotel you were staying in?

It’s up to your DH to teach his child how to behave. He’s 9 so old enough to understand. No point your DH saying he “resents it” if he’s allowing it?
I do not think excluding him is the answer and like @ChandrilanDiscoDroid say, try to see it from the child’s perspective.

He sounds a nightmare. I think an honest conversation at his age - we’re going away and aren’t taking you as we know you wouldn’t want to come as you never enjoyed previous holidays. It might make him buck up his ideas and behave better when you do take him again.

then maybe dad can take him camping or something another time just then two?

also at the ages of your youngest you can benefit from not going in term time

Can you find the money for your DH to take DSS somewhere for a long weekend by himself? Then the two of you go away with the little ones?

Alternatively, we had a big age gap too. We used to go to an all-inclusive in Turkey that had a really good kids’ club split into different age ranges. The kids went to this every morning and we collected them after lunch unless they wanted to stay till later. This gave us some downtime and afterwards it was the water slides (there were some great ones on site) or the beach as a family.

they offered archery, t-shirt painting , disco, all sorts. There was also a showing of a kids’ movie for the little ones in an air conditioned room floored with bean bags after an early lunch- most of them slept for a couple of hours

It’s partly the age gap but also he doesn’t want to spend time with his step siblings as he doesn’t consider them family. Also he knows by being an arse he gets to spend the whole holiday with his dad doing stuff he wants. Of course he would rather spend time with his Dad and not this other family that’s invaded his life. You can’t force him play happy families. Best solution as others have said is simply don’t take him. Have separate holidays which will be best for everyone.