I don’t want to do another holiday with DSS

[Penelopevoncleef]

Simple as what the title says. Whether I get bull dozed for this or not but I’m at the end of my tether

quick background, me & dh share two toddlers age 3 & 2 and he has DSS age 9 who is with us EOW. We love our holidays abroad and work very hard to save up for them. DSS has always been on every holiday with us and never missed school as we make sure it’s not term time when we book. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never once been abroad with his mum or even anywhere in the UK. So all his holidays abroad and UK have been with us.

so the last couple of years our holidays have been tricky with DSS and to be honest I find him ungrateful. Last year over the Christmas holidays we were very kindly treated to Disneyland Paris off my parents who’d had a pay out. It was what they wanted to spend the money on and they booked and paid for the whole thing, including our spends (we provided the children’s spends for things like toys/ keepsakes).
anyway DSS behaviour was diabolical, the first kick off was when we arrived at our hotel to find my parents had booked us to stay at the Cheyenne and not the marvel hotel. I just want to add he hasn’t shown interest in Spider-Man for 2 years now. They booked the Cheyenne because it was all they could afford given the amount of people they were paying for, not the theming. I felt really sad for my parents for this. Then following that it was 3 days of complaining and moaning about being bored, wanting to go on all the big rides but there were huge queues and didn’t want to wait, constantly demanding food and drinks. Just blatantly ungrateful. So after day 1 I had to say to dh, for all our sake, that we would separate and I would go off and do all the ‘baby stuff’ with the little ones so DSS wasn’t bored. We managed to salvage the trip and my toddlers loved it, but they kept asking where daddy was and dh was upset he missed them meeting Woody and going on the rides with them. In those circumstances I didn’t know what to do for best, I didn’t want the trip to be ruined and I wanted everyone to enjoy it as much as possible. My toddlers can’t go on the big rides and DSS hasn’t got the patience or tolerance for jointing in the smaller rides or meeting characters and watching parades.

anyway this brings me to our Easter holiday - this year we went to Tenerife and honestly I was dreading it. And I wasn’t wrong to feel like that. I basically spent 10 days with my toddlers by myself - one of which still had a nap so I had to co ordinate that too whilst still entertaining the older one in the baby pool. DSS was in a constant sulk, it was too hot, air con was too cold, food wasn’t nice, pool was boring, Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough, wanted to sit in the hotel room a lot, in the end it honestly wasn’t work the sulking or the kick off when trying to be strict with him. dh ended up following him around and I was with our toddler on my own which was bloody hard work. Also he was very unkind to my 3 year old who was ‘getting on his nerves’ and flung all of his toy fish into the pool when he was playing at the side.

im honestly don’t work working really hard and paying half towards these holidays and not enjoying it. I don’t think I’m selfish in feeling like that. My dh has said he now feels the same and starting to resent DSS coming away with us. He feels like he never gets to spend time with his other children. We just feel it’s not right to take our other two children away and leave him at home with his mum who never has and probably never will take him anywhere.

has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do?

This is a tricky one as there are multiple possibilities here. it might be that he's just a stroppy 9 year old who is bored with toddlers.

But it might also be that he's acting out because he's with his stepmum and half-siblings, and he resents the situation. If that's the case you do need to tread carefully, because if you choose to exclude him, it could teach the wrong lesson. He may view it as "proof" he's been abandoned for the new family. He won't get more cooperative; he'll get sulkier and act out more. Or he'll pull away entirely.

If it's the latter case, your DH needs to take the lead and work on his relationship with DSS.

It's difficult because if I knew this were just a moody child I would handle things quite differently and make it very clear that I wasn't putting up with whinging. But if he's intentionally acting out because of the blended family situation that sort of discipline can backfire. That's not to say OP should have to deal with him ruining holidays. Having the step-parent handle discipline in this situation is usually ill-advised, though the parent needs to make clear that they and the step are on the same page. It's that her DH needs to be spending time with DSS so he knows he isn't being abandoned. A weekend away just the two of them could be an excellent idea.

Well he needs to have another holiday with HIS child

Realistic. I would do the same with my daughter if she behaved like this. I’m due in the winter with twins, and if my eldest ruined family holidays we would go without her.

I agree with pp who said about behaviour being a form of communication. If you think about it from the child’s point of view, he only gets to see his dad twice a month and during those visits, he has to share them with other children. I know that’s life but a 9 year old can’t really deal with that. He probably feels left out and resentful why the other children get to be with his dad all the time and he can’t. This could perhaps be the reason why he behaves this way, to get the one to one time with dad.

How does he behave once he is alone with dad?

Probably get the boy some therapy? Must be horrible staying with people who clearly don't like you. He sees you going off with the others and avoiding him. Suggest family or at least individual therapy.

Um. They get every night and every day. His first child gets twice a month. I can’t really understand how you don’t understand this if I’m being honest. It isn’t that difficult.

So that gives the child a right to be a brat and ruin holidays?

Go without him and just don't tell him. Make sure DH spends some time with him on his own when he's at yours eow. Problem solved.

@Penelopevoncleef whats he like at home at weekends? Or with his mum?

Does he need more discipline and routine during ‘normal time’?

Have you told him his behaviour puts you off going on holiday with him. These are things I would say to my own children if they behaved like this.

Don’t be so silly. Of course you wouldn’t. And couldn’t, unless she’s an adult.

Split the holidays.. its no different to splitting the time on holiday.

You DH and toddlers take a toddler suitable term time break - which is cheaper anyway... and then do a school holiday's break or a mini break and add on some days out in UK with DSS where there are more activities he might enjoy.
You will have had your time with DH/Toddlers and so had a bit of a break yourself.. Then you will be less resentful and DS gets a break that is more geared to him and time with DH.
I think it would keep everyone happy because everyone would get their turn if you see what I mean.
We had an age gap but had two older ones who could entertain each other. We did have to plan the time out in advance quite carefully...

But I do think that your DH could do with more help in parenting the oldest, (courses?books?) I accept its very hard. I actually think nine/ten is a bit more of an annoying age than the terrible twos/threes.. because they are growing up fast and everyone is suddenly talking about two years hence and secondary school. They can't be "managed" in exactly the same way as when they were 7, and have more to say about everything.

It is very sad that the DSS doesn't have holidays with his other parent, maybe he thinks that life is more fun in your family, and can't help resenting it a bit... Are there any other areas where he's not getting as much home support as he would if he was with you more frequently? It might be worth looking at that and thinking about how to readdress the balance. It might alter his mood.

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated... but I think it is a good idea to plan things so that you can ease that and have at least some time doing what you want.. it would make the times when you need to go along with what is suitable for DSS easier to bear and could lighten the atmosphere in general.

The way things are structured at the moment it feels like he's dictating how the rest of the family spend their time. So restructure it so everyone gets a say and involve him in the planning so he can pick up on how everyone gets a share and can voice his discontent or opinion at home, (where its less grating than on holiday) and he can feel that he's had a say. I'd make this a fun evening with snacks and make it feel like a really special time. And as its only an evening discussion, if you run into any difficulties, it won't feel like a big deal and will be easier to deal with as its not ruining the holiday.

In that way you can bring up the holiday behaviour expectations without making him feel like its a big telling off.. Because I remember getting big tellings off before things like big weddings and feeling absolutely miserable and not wanting to go at all because to my mind, I hadn't even done anything yet... and my bloody MIL still does this! Tells me off in advance for things she thinks I will do, have never done and will never do, in advance.. Just an excuse to tell me off really. But if you tackle the behavour expectations in a positive way that isn't a pre telling off, but part of the excitement of holiday planning, it might sink in more and make him less resentful in advance. Best of luck!

Definitely book your next big holiday abroad during term-time. Your DH can then arrange to take him away during the school holidays on his own and give him his full attention.

It wouldn't be any different if he was your own child
Kids can just be a nightmare on holiday sometimes.
We had to do the same when I had a ten year age gap between my oldest three and youngest child
I went of with the youngest,DH with the oldest
You have three kids ,your days of relaxing holidays are gone
We always went to holiday caravan sites with things to do for all ages ,or Butlins was easy to keep different ages entertained
But literally that's how it us with age gap kids ,you do end up one parent going one way and one the other

Personally I would take him and just try sucking it up for one more time, and make it clear that he needs to act right or he will not be coming on the next one.

However, you’d be well within your rights not to do that. Take your little ones away during term time and then with the money saved him and his dad can do a camping holiday in the UK. That way you get your time with your kids and they get a holiday with their dad where they can do all the tea cup rides and baby things they love and he can have some good quality time with his dad. I will say tho, when he goes with his dad maybe they should do stuff to make it a special camping holiday, cool excursions, get out in nature, do some “boy” things. Your husband should make it special for him. Most of my favourite holiday memories from when I was that age were camping holidays, because my mum hated it and wouldn’t go, so we got to go with my dad and uncle and get covered in mud and stay up late.

Gently, OP, a 9 year old isn't going to want to do what toddlers can do. There's a 7 year gap between my grandchildren and my poor daughter is pulling her hair out with the eldest on days out/holidays as he's so stroppy. Add in a child that sees their stepsiblings that has Dad 24/7 and there's bound to be some resentment, What your DH needs to do is spend time just with his child but then make it clear that you all need to do some things together and it's not acceptable to ruin them with stroppy behaviour. It's a big adjustment to see Dad EOW then spend a long period of time together. But don't leave him out, that's unkind.

Yes, I would. And you easily can. Leave her with family for a week.

Holidays are not a right. My husband and I work hard. If she’s going to ruin them, she doesn’t come.

He’s 9. Could your husband not take the little ones so you get some time with DSS to build on your relationship with him. Often the play up is because there's not enough contact, could have have him more than EOW?

He sounds like a typical 9 year old.

theres a 6 year gap between the eldest and the next one, so that is tricky for stuff like holidays. I have that gap with my eldest and the next one and i do remember things like theme parks and holiday stuff needing a lot of compromising at that stage. We did simililarly to you and split the kids up to go on different things. Wouldnt have been fair for my eldest to only go on baby rides.

I dont think its fair at all to decide you dont want to take the eldest on holiday anymore. Hes only 9. Maybe youre overwhelmed by having 2 babies in a year and trying to take two babies to disneyland. Were you really all expecting it to not be stressful?

Does your husband feel ok about not holidaying with his 9 year old anymore.

Did you really truly feel that your husband feeling sad that he didnt see his 2 and 3 yr olds first time meeting a disney character, was more of a big deal than potentially excluding his little boy from his new family holidays?

Kids are often a PITA on holidays, not just stepchildren.

If he's 9, why does he need wifi?

It's common to split younger and older siblings between parents if you're doing age related activities. It's no big deal.

Yeah, I bet your husband was sobbing when he didn't see his kids meet a man dressed in a cowboy costume. That's one bucket-list item he'll never tick off.

My kids have been taken all over the planet by me and not once have they expressed the "gratitude" you're expecting from your stepson.

You're expecting too much from him and it sounds like you're looking for excuses to exclude him from family events. Your husband will not thank you for this.

Also I found 9/10 age very difficult with chat back moaning. If you’re in a blended family though you made that choice therefore you make it work as best you can without writing off the ‘problem’ child

The easiest answer is that your husband needs to take him places on some of the weekends that he has him - camping / UK city overnight etc and then you go on your family holidays abroad when you don’t have him and do a uk holiday as a family once a year to somewhere like Butlins / haven / centerparcs ( whichever budget appeals) where it’s easy to do different things with the different ages .

I think YABU. Your dc will be 9 soon enough and behaviour can be more challenging as they get older. Younger DC are easier to get them to do what they want but a 9yo has preferences like everyone else and these have to be taken into account. The parents don't usually get what they want.

I find going on holiday with my dc not that much fun. Their behaviour can be worse due to disruption and overtiredness.

I think the big issue is that divide and conquer in your family means DH gets the 9yo and you have to deal with both the Younger dc. This seems practical but I can appreciate its not great for you. I think you need to talk to your DH about this and work out what he could do to give you a break. Surely DSS could go on a switch or similar game whilst the youngest naps and DH entertain the 3yo so you get one hour on a sunlounger with a book.

This is going to be a continued problem with the age gap and dss not being your child. It's just life really but I'd be very careful about excluding him or showing you (naturally) favour your own dc.

EspeciallY when he’s barely with his Dad. What sort of shit parent sees their kid once a fortnight.

Yabu
you took on the child when you had kids with dad

it doesnt matter that you don’t love him enough to see that he’s acting like a child because he is one you don’t get to pick and chose