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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What to do for the best

37 replies

Nametobechanged · 16/04/2025 20:31

I’ve been with my DH for 5 years, married for 2. He’s been in my children’s lives for the last 3.5 years. He’s really good at step parenting and he has a good relationship with my children.

DH has a child who is the same age as my youngest (7) Since I’ve known him, his contact with his child has been limited. His ExW initially withheld contact which continued throughout all the covid time. She then allowed 2 hours a week in her company (to ensure I wasn’t there).

Nearly 2 years ago DH initiated court proceedings to increase his time with his child. It was a very slow and expensive process but the end result was that we have been seeing his DC for an additional hour every other weekend (building up to 2 full days with the potential of then 1 overnight) plus 2 hours after school in the week.

His DC is ok with seeing us one weekend day but is saying they really don’t want to do more than that. We don’t know what to do. DH would love to see his child as much as possible. I also have experience in the other side with my own child not wanting to see his father and having encouraged and nurtured their time together to the benefit of their relationship.

Do we continue to force things (2 days every other weekend is relatively knew) in the hope that DSC will get used to the change and begin to enjoy it or do we listen to DSC’s wishes and cut back.

its probably important to note that when here DSC enjoys their time and seems happy throughout.

Edited to add that there is a minimum amount of time for DSC to spend alone with DH stipulated in the court order and we obviously adhere to this and then follow DSC’s lead as to whether they want more one on one time each week.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 16/04/2025 22:26

Could you go 1 day every week rather than 2 every other week. Maybe start a mid week visit too before overnights start.

Hoardasurass · 16/04/2025 23:42

How old is the child
Never mind I reread the op and answered my own question ☺️

Thatsenoughadulting · 17/04/2025 17:33

Why did he wait until 2 years ago to do anything about getting contact with his child?

Original poster
Nametobechanged · 17/04/2025 18:16

He went through repeated stints of mediation where plans were made which didn’t come to fruition. We also used this time to get together the £10,000 we were quoted (and ending up spending) to resolve the case.

OP posts:
beetr00 · 17/04/2025 18:19

@Nametobechanged

"or do we listen to DSC’s wishes and cut back."

Surely, you need to be child led?

eta; "His DC is ok with seeing us one weekend day but is saying they really don’t want to do more than that"

ShaunaSadeki · 17/04/2025 18:21

Tricky, I guess you have no way of knowing if the child’s wishes are being influenced by the mother?

purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 18:22

Why doesn't the child want to see him any more than at the minute?

Original poster
Nametobechanged · 17/04/2025 18:24

The child is (obviously) very close to their mother and is undoubtedly influenced by her feelings about things. The issue is that these feelings then become the child’s feelings (regardless of how that happened) and they do need to be listened to.

I don’t know if we should be entirely child led, hence asking the opinion of others. My own experience with my children has taught me that the child doesn’t always know what is best for them, my own son wouldn’t have the bond he has with his father had I let his wishes dictate things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nametobechanged · 17/04/2025 18:26

purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 18:22

Why doesn't the child want to see him any more than at the minute?

They can’t really explain. I suspect it’s a change in their routine which they are not completely comfortable with. They are more than fine with us. Last weekend they were unwell and we asked if they wanted us to call Mum to see if they could go home early and they said no, they were happy here. I wouldn’t force an obviously (or even discretely!) unhappy child to stay with us.

OP posts:
beetr00 · 17/04/2025 18:49

@Nametobechanged have no skin in the game here, I've never been a step-parent.

What's concerning, to me though, is that you state "Do we continue to force things"

Why would you do that? What exactly do you hope to achieve?

Do you think there are other forces in play preventing a good relationship with your husband? What does your DH think about it?

Original poster
Nametobechanged · 17/04/2025 18:55

What I hope to achieve is a deeper relationship between a child and their father. As I’ve stated, my own son has been for a very long time reluctant to stay with his father, I have continued to encourage and push him to see his dad (as I knew once there he was happy) and this has much improved their relationship. I don’t know if this was wrong of me, I always felt I would be doing my child a disservice to allow the relationship to dwindle by letting my son not see his dad. I grew up without an active father though so perhaps this has influenced me.

We still have cafcass involved as the DSC’s mother was very reluctant to allow them to spend time with me and it was felt further support might be needed. Unfortunately our cafcass officer is very much staying on the fence when actually we could use some clear cut advice about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 17/04/2025 19:04

Surely it’s the same old story- man gets new family with 2 year old - same age as his own child and ends up living with his new shiny family full time. Is it really a surprise his 7 year old isn’t conveniently slotting into this? Then here you are trying to fix their relationship.

Hercules12 · 17/04/2025 19:04

That’s not a criticism of you at all btw.

beetr00 · 17/04/2025 19:06

@Nametobechanged I do understand that you are trying to foster a good relationship with your husband.

BUT would it not profit you all, for the future, to allow it to happen organically?

You seem to be the driving force here, urging the connection?

Could you slow it down a bit @Nametobechanged and go at the child's pace?

Original poster
Nametobechanged · 17/04/2025 19:15

I think that’s what I’m asking, is it ok/ sensible to slow things down?

We are nervous about stepping away from a very prescriptive court order and ending up back where we started (ie next to nothing).

At what point do we stop putting the child’s feelings first? Now, staying at one full day every other weekend plus one evening in the week seems fine. What do we do if the child then says they don’t want contact at all? I guess that answer is to respect that, it just feels like a very big decision to make a 7 year old to make.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nametobechanged · 17/04/2025 19:18

It does sound like I’m the one pushing, I’m not, but obviously I’m posting from my perspective. Unfortunately a lot of forums for men to ask about situations like this are somewhat misogynistic and appeal to deadbeat fathers. Despite comments in this thread, this isn’t what DH is, and hence the advice and opinions he has found himself aren’t hugely helpful.

OP posts:
beetr00 · 17/04/2025 19:38

@Nametobechanged

"At what point do we stop putting the child’s feelings first?"
Why would you not respect their feelings, because they are only children, why would the agenda of an adult supercede theirs?

"What do we do if the child then says they don’t want contact at all?" and why could that scenario transpire?

If your husband (and it seems so) has the best interests of his child at heart, would this happen, or would his child recognise (may be when they are older?) that your husband did his damndest to stay connected.

As I've said @Nametobechanged I am not a step, so may be people who have lived your situation, could offer you more useful advice.

I'm coming at it purely from a child-centric POV. 🌻

Thatsenoughadulting · 17/04/2025 19:51

Nametobechanged · 17/04/2025 18:16

He went through repeated stints of mediation where plans were made which didn’t come to fruition. We also used this time to get together the £10,000 we were quoted (and ending up spending) to resolve the case.

You could have gone ahead without legal representation and it would only have cost £232. It's a shame more people don't know they can self represent.

Original poster
Nametobechanged · 17/04/2025 20:16

We could have done but we knew DSC’s mother would have legal representation and to be honest we’d have been lost without it. As it was DSC was represented by a children’s guardian and associated solicitor, DSC’s mother had a solicitor and DH had a solicitor.

We’d have managed the initial application but we had three separate court dates. The children’s guardian agreed with my husband’s proposal but his ExW contested every single thing and we needed the legal back up to feel confident that we were being reasonable.

OP posts:
goldenretrieverenergy · 17/04/2025 20:25

I was a child in a similar situation. Obviously every family is different, but in my case I didn’t enjoy spending time with my DF’s new wife and children. They were never mean or anything like that, but they had their own dynamic and I didn’t feel like I fit into it. It was not easy to build my own relationship with my DF because of that. Now as an adult, I can understand I felt jealous of him being close with them and not having the same relationship with me. As I said, your situation might be completely different. Does your DH spend the contact time alone with their child or is it always all together?

beetr00 · 17/04/2025 20:31

@goldenretrieverenergy thank you, from a child's perspective, this should/could be useful to @Nametobechanged

eta; could

Original poster
Nametobechanged · 17/04/2025 21:02

Hi, yes - the court order is very prescriptive. Time is scheduled for DSC to have alone time with their father and he frequently offers more which is sometimes taken up and sometimes DSC prefers to see my children.

If anything DSC appears jealous of my children over me. Cafcass directed that I meet them with DH first without my DC for several months. I think they enjoyed the time with their father and me giving them our sole attention. They now sometimes get quite cross that I have to give time to my DC too.

Unfortunately, due to child care difficulties, we can’t facilitate this set up more than a couple of times a month.

OP posts:
Thatsenoughadulting · 18/04/2025 14:39

Nametobechanged · 17/04/2025 20:16

We could have done but we knew DSC’s mother would have legal representation and to be honest we’d have been lost without it. As it was DSC was represented by a children’s guardian and associated solicitor, DSC’s mother had a solicitor and DH had a solicitor.

We’d have managed the initial application but we had three separate court dates. The children’s guardian agreed with my husband’s proposal but his ExW contested every single thing and we needed the legal back up to feel confident that we were being reasonable.

So you spent £10k and still got a poor result. An extra hour a week. He would have had a better chance of getting closer to 50:50 if he hadn't gone so long not seeing his child. The court will now be looking at it in the sense that the child barely knows his father which is why contact is so minimal. If I was in his position I would have taken her to court and self represented as soon as she stopped contact then if I didn't get the result I wanted saved the cash and gone back to court. Generally courts give EOWE and 1 night midweek or 50:50 unless there's good reason not to. But he left it so long so I can understand why the courts didn't grant more time when he's never really spent time with his child alone or had any overnights. Unfortunately he's now having to deal with the consequences of his inaction.

Original poster
Nametobechanged · 18/04/2025 16:48

Sorry, you’ve not read any of my posts correctly.

OP posts:
COS2102 · 18/04/2025 17:53

How did you get to the point where the seven year old was telling you that they didn't want to increase to two days?
In my personal experience with a child going between houses, they used to always say what they thought they were supposed to say and didn't actually like being given options. It took a long time for them to be able communicate this. They are now a teenager and have had times where they have wanted to refuse to be with one parent but the other house has always encouraged a relationship. Granted this is getting more difficult as they get older. Generally they like structure and continuity so anything that changes from their normal feels uncomfortable if it isn't communicated in advance...even if it means spending extra time with the 'preferred parent'