What to do for the best

[Nametobechanged]

I’ve been with my DH for 5 years, married for 2. He’s been in my children’s lives for the last 3.5 years. He’s really good at step parenting and he has a good relationship with my children.

DH has a child who is the same age as my youngest (7) Since I’ve known him, his contact with his child has been limited. His ExW initially withheld contact which continued throughout all the covid time. She then allowed 2 hours a week in her company (to ensure I wasn’t there).

Nearly 2 years ago DH initiated court proceedings to increase his time with his child. It was a very slow and expensive process but the end result was that we have been seeing his DC for an additional hour every other weekend (building up to 2 full days with the potential of then 1 overnight) plus 2 hours after school in the week.

His DC is ok with seeing us one weekend day but is saying they really don’t want to do more than that. We don’t know what to do. DH would love to see his child as much as possible. I also have experience in the other side with my own child not wanting to see his father and having encouraged and nurtured their time together to the benefit of their relationship.

Do we continue to force things (2 days every other weekend is relatively knew) in the hope that DSC will get used to the change and begin to enjoy it or do we listen to DSC’s wishes and cut back.

its probably important to note that when here DSC enjoys their time and seems happy throughout.

Edited to add that there is a minimum amount of time for DSC to spend alone with DH stipulated in the court order and we obviously adhere to this and then follow DSC’s lead as to whether they want more one on one time each week.

I would keep progressing in line with the court's guidance. Change is always a bit scary but 7 is far too young to have the responsibility of deciding how much time to spend with each parent. If DSC is distressed with you after the time at yours has increased, or there are other signs it's not working like issues at school, that's different, but you're not there yet.

We were initially told by DSC’s mother that she didn’t want to do both days and DH said he would pick DSC up as normal and we’d let her know if they weren’t settling, there were no issues at all.

We then both has a text message saying DSC wanted to talk to us about something. We asked when we next saw them but they were reluctant to open up. Towards the end of our time with them we were getting ready for Mum to arrive and they said “I don’t want to do both days” and that was it.

In that situation, I'd confirm that I had heard what they had to say but that as their dad I was going to keep preparing for the two days and if they felt uncomfortable or upset when with you that you would always listen and look at what you could do to help. It isn't a clear cut case of the child not wanting to go, it could quite well be...but could also be them feeling pressure from mum to not be away from her and wanting to agree with her

I wouldn't step back from the court order. Children take time to get used to change in routine and are very suggestible. The stronger a relationship the child has with both parents the better (assuming not abusive etc.). A lot of people commenting here won't have experience of this situation.

How long has this all been in place? It’s likely to take time to embed a routine.

I would recommend your DH keeps supporting his DC to express his views and feelings (about literally everything, not just the contact issue) as this builds confidence that their views will be listened to and considered (even if not immediately acted on). Chatting in the car or while doing an activity can take pressure off.

Could DSC access counselling or play therapy through school? Or at least pastoral check ins so they have someone neutral to talk to if they are feeling conflicted.

I do think if this is all relatively new it’s worth persevering as otherwise you have a court order that isn’t being adhered to and it will be a nightmare to go back and ask for a change. You’re showing DSC that you are committed to them too and building consistency. Sounds like you’re doing what you can to reassure them about letting them know he can go home if needed. Maybe if DSC doesn’t want to do the whole day they could just spend an hour with their Dad, or a phone call etc, and build it up more slowly but without giving up on the day entirely?

DH experienced exactly the same with his DCs. Unfortunately, ExW was in their ear and allowing them to make decisions way beyond their years, also allowing them to witness conversations she would have making out DH did not love them. DH took it to court but at 8 & 10yr old the prospect of forcing them broke his heart. Both were very vocal in that they disliked him and didn't want to come to the house. They had their own rooms, clothes and computers. But ExW was seriously hellbent on causing a rift. I am not the OW, we met 2yrs after. I never had any part in the proceedings, I only offered support to DH. The end result is now very little contact. DSC are in their late teens and DH finds it hard to encourage a relationship with them even now. He is hoping when they are older they will realise that he does love them and wants to be actively in their life. Even if he'd fought it, they didn't want to be around him. The solicitor explained that his DC views would be taken into account. Rightly so, but the consequence was a fractured relationship.

The child is very happy when with us. I wouldn’t keep them here if they weren’t, regardless of DH’s feelings (although I know he feels the same as me). They were even sad or upset when saying goodbye to Mum which I thought may be a trigger point.

We’ve been slowing building up since the beginning of the year. At no point have they been unhappy with us. They’ve reported some things to their mum that they didn’t like (eg that our house is quite noisy - we’re a household of 5 compared to the 2 they’re used to) we’ve worked on all these things and put things in place to help.

I’m very pro mental health support. My child has accessed ELSA support themselves at school to help with the transition of getting to know their step sibling. Having someone independent for DSC to speak to is something DH has raised with our cafcass worker to be discussed with DSC’s mum. I think it might help them to be able to work through their feelings without worrying about upsetting either parent.

Thank you for the further input by the way.

It sounds like you are doing well, best of luck as it’s a hard situation.

That makes sense and I do think you are doing the best you can given the situation. It sounds like your DSC needs some more time adjusting to these changes. I hope it all works out well!

Going on this, I would suspect you’re correct that the driving force behind this is Mum and DSC is being coerced.

As such, I’d stick to the court order and potentially start saving for it to be enhanced for further contact in the next year or two. Before Mum can coerce them further into refusing additional contact. I appreciate she still could later down the line, but it’s then harder to challenge the status quo.

More time together as a blended family (especially if it includes time when your DC are with your ex so they have a bit more attention) would help them feel more settled and comfortable.

Keep to the court order and explain it’s not your decision, but legally mandated, to SC.

A lot of SC just say what they think they’re supposed to say.

When SC is 13, it’s SC’s decision, not before.