An issue of language

[stepmumnewbie]

Looking for some opinions.

I recently described my step-daughter as a guest and I was pulled up on this by my friend who said she didn't like that at all. I asked her what she would say instead and she said step-daughter is family, not a guest. Yes, she is family but she doesn't live with us, this is not her home. So I'm wondering how other people describe this situation.

Obviously she is very welcome but I recognise that she won't feel comfortable helping herself to snacks or just jumping in the shower, for instance. She doesn't know our usual family routine which is all upskittled anyway when she is with us. (Us being her dad and me (married) and my 2 daughters from a previous marriage. Their ages are either side of step-daughter) And she doesn't have any of her stuff here.

For further context, step-daughter is 14 and due to distance she only visits for 1 or 2 weeks maximum in school holidays. Throughout and since Covid she has visited once or twice a year.

And in the original conversation the only other word I could think of that made sense with what I was trying to convey was interloper! So any help anyone can offer with more appropriate language would be interesting to hear.

Thank you

I think I would tackle the issues you mentioned so she felt less of a guest to be honest - say, you have put treats for her in the fridge and to just help herself, make sure she felt she could hop in the shower. We are a blended family and the kids have visited at differing rates for various reasons over the years, but I always try and make them feel like it’s their home while they are here and they don’t need to stand on formalities.

Sorry, also, in terms of language - I would have said “the kids are here this weekend” or something like that. It avoids the guest / visiting terminology. I know it’s not always easy and you sound lovely for trying to get it right.

But she is family, isn’t she.
She should be comfortable to treat I as her home ( respectfully obviously). She should be happy to just take food or do as she pleases with the same rules a for your other children. If she doesn’t then you’re doing it wrong. Interloper!!! What??

Your putting her outside of your family with language like that, she’s certainly more family to your husband than your children are. Try not to see that he has a family separate from his daughter, that isn’t fair to either of them.

Interloper? How horrible can you be

Is it a typo or does your DH really sees his child just once or twice a year?

Which is why she rejected the word

@stepmumnewbie depends in which context you used the word guest

given the frequency of visits SDD is going to feel like a guest regardless, but of course she should take a shower if she wants one and there should be some things in the fridge or something that the kids can help themselves to if they wish.

Her dad only sees her twice a year and her SM makes her ask permission for a snack or a shower on the rare occasions she is in her own father's home?

I don't think you'll have to worry about what you call your 'guest' for much longer OP.

well I’m speecless. You sound vile

That isn't quite what OP said..... but yes it needs to be made clear to SD she is family, it is her home and can help herself to snacks etc just like everyone else.

Hard to tell with the OP's arch phrasing.

If she is having to ask to eg make some toast rather than just do it,or permission to use the shower (other than the standard ‘I’m going in the shower if that’s ok’ ) in her fathers house then something has gone very very wrong.

what is the reason that he doesn’t see his own child? I’m guessing it must be a good one, otherwise I can’t see how you’d be attracted to him.

Obviously she is very welcome but I recognise that she won't feel comfortable helping herself to snacks or just jumping in the shower, for instance.

This needs to change. She needs to feel she can do these things, especially if she’s seeing your DDs do them.

My aunt stays with me a couple of times a year and knows she can help herself in the fridge or jump in the shower with no more than “does anyone need in before I go for a shower?”

I think you have bigger problems than language here TBH…as in, the SD is seen as a guest/interloper and (to use information in your own post) feels like she has to ask someone before eating or bathing. I’d try to fix that and accept that your “normal family routine” needs to change a bit to be flexible and include space for her to feel welcome and at-home. Maybe you and her dad (both adults) need to each tell her, so there is no ambiguity, “this is your family home too - you don’t need to ask before you eat or shower - just tell me or your dad if you need anything that’s not already there so we can get it for you.”

I have a 14 year old daughter and have some clue about the general psychology of the age… and also remember visiting my dads house as a 14 year old and feeling like a guest. Please make her feel welcome, she’s at that age when the quality and character of her future relationship with her father and the rest of you all is being decided.

They video call most days. And he has visited her once a year too.

Dad of the year there, live with someone else’s kids and visits his child once a year. What the fuck could attract anyone to a man like this!

It's not that I 'make her ask permission' but that I am mindful that she might not feel fully comfortable to just help herself so I make sure I offer more than I would for my kids, and that I'm making space for her to slot into the usual routines.

She lives a long way away and when Mum moved her, Mum made a lot of promises to bring her back that didn't materialise. Travel costs a lot and we're not huge earners. When he visits to save costs he stays with SD and her mum which is awkward for him. SD also has some health issues that have kept her in hospital for several months at a time since Covid.

So instead of offering more often than you would for your own kids. Tell her, and tell more than once, that she is welcome to take food from the fridge, make herself a drink, take a shower, whenever she likes. Then follow it up with why you’re already doing - offering and checking she has everything she needs, until she starts doing these things without asking or without waiting for you to offer.

And by the end of the week you're all settling into the new dynamic and then she's gone for another 6,8,12 months and you start all over again.

I was really just looking for the language to describe this situation. She doesn't live with us but she's not a guest. Yes, she's family but that doesn't capture the transient nature of her time with us.

It feels like I'm not supposed to acknowledge that there is a difference between my daughters and my step-daughter. Treat them all the same. Except that I don't even treat my 2 daughters the same. There's 4 years between them. They have different needs. Part of step-daughter's needs include the fact that she doesn't live with us. So how do I talk about this without coming across like the worst step-mum in the world. 'Vile' I think someone upthread described me.

Okay, I can see you are getting a battering and I’m not sure it’s deserved. I think people are judging that you see step daughter so rarely, and over looking that you are trying to make her feel more comfortable and use better language around her.

In terms of language, I would say “X is here for the next few weeks” and take out the labels as I think that’s what you are being judged on. If you want to make her more comfortable then try and reiterate she is to help herself - “there’s drinks in the fridge, just grab one when you want one”. If it’s to do with showers, how would you make your mum or a best friend feel comfortable? Do that! “There’s towels in the airing cupboard, just help yourself when you’re ready for a shower”.

it’s a hard position to be in, and I am glad you are trying to improve things. My son sees his dad 3/4 times a year, and so has a similar situation the other way round. He was touched he had his own bedroom with a posted on the wall of a band he liked. His dad’s girlfriend had got him a cosy blanket and put a charger in there too for him. I hope the visit goes well x

Visiting his child once a year is appalling. Neither of you really seem to see her as part of your family.

blimey.. poor girl!

i think you have some issues to sort out there...

Well yes it is pretty vile to call your step daughter a guest at best or an interloper.

She is your stepdaughter and your partner's daughter and it is her home with her Dad however often or however little time she is there. She probably refers to it as going to my Dad's. You can call it having his daughter here this week.