An issue of language

[stepmumnewbie]

Looking for some opinions.

I recently described my step-daughter as a guest and I was pulled up on this by my friend who said she didn't like that at all. I asked her what she would say instead and she said step-daughter is family, not a guest. Yes, she is family but she doesn't live with us, this is not her home. So I'm wondering how other people describe this situation.

Obviously she is very welcome but I recognise that she won't feel comfortable helping herself to snacks or just jumping in the shower, for instance. She doesn't know our usual family routine which is all upskittled anyway when she is with us. (Us being her dad and me (married) and my 2 daughters from a previous marriage. Their ages are either side of step-daughter) And she doesn't have any of her stuff here.

For further context, step-daughter is 14 and due to distance she only visits for 1 or 2 weeks maximum in school holidays. Throughout and since Covid she has visited once or twice a year.

And in the original conversation the only other word I could think of that made sense with what I was trying to convey was interloper! So any help anyone can offer with more appropriate language would be interesting to hear.

Thank you

@stepmumnewbie do you know the definition of interloper?” a person who becomes involved in a place or situation where they are not wanted or are considered not to belong.” sometime people use words that reflect exactly how they feel internally and this is what is making responders feel either very sad or angry about!

The children are all different and have different needs, but should all feel equally welcome at you and your partners house. Do what you have to do to achieve that.

You can’t really call her a guest. It’s not ok to put nuclear family on that level.

what actually do you want to convey in your language?

she is family but doesn’t live with you.

step daughter is accurate but are you trying to convey that she might feel not part of the household and therefore you try doubly hard to make her welcome?

Thinking about it a bit more - how do you treat your daughter’s friends? My kids friends kick their shoes up and run up the stairs, I find them getting drinks or snacks, they wouldn’t ask me to go in the shower. If I’m waking past I would maybe put an arm round their shoulders and I’d poke my head round the bedroom door and say good night. All kids that come in are mothered to a degree, so would you not have similar to that as a natural progression with your step daughter?

"DSD is home with us this week"

What's stopping your DH for applying to see her more often than once or twice a year?

What's stopping her from having some things at her father's house?

I'm sure you think you are being welcoming, but your DH sounds like a shit parent, sorry.

Why do you need to describe her as anything other than her name or DH's daughter or step-daughter?

This thread comes across as a bit disingenuous to me.

I can’t imagine ever calling a step child a guest! Unless they were an adult and never lived with us I guess. A 14 year old is definitely family not a guest. You need to work on making her feel like one of the family so she is comfortable jumping in the shower or helping herself to snacks. She should be able to do that in her Dad’s house!

I get the scenario. My stepdaughter lives the other side of the world and we used to see her once a year. We never had a good relationship but even I wouldn’t call her guest or interloper ! What’s wrong with calling her stepdaughter ?
In the same way I guess your husband calls your girls stepdaughters , rather than guests .

Why does he have to stay with the ex when he sees his daughter? Terrible excuse for opting out of parenting. What a useless man you’ve found for yourself, why on earth do you want him?

I would just say "when X is with us in July".

Also lol at everyone essentially telling you to tell her to make herself comfortable and help herself to whatever she wants from the fridge as that's exactly how you'd treat a guest.

I get why she seems like a guest as she's not usually there and not used to the routines, but she's not really a guest as she's a child spending time with her dad. Like if your kids went to uni then came back for the weekend you wouldn't be hosting a guest.

Poor girl, what does it matter if your routine is out of kilter during her visits? Can’t you just call her by her name or refer to her as your stepdaughter?