Should a child be cleaning their parents bedroom?

[Lollylucyclark101]

Bit of a weird one… Stepdaughter is 12. Lives with mom and 2 younger brothers. Have a fabulous relationship with mom.
We see Stepdaughter when she wants to, so weekends and 2/3 times in the week as I take her down the horse yard and dad does her dinner.

Was planning on taking her to the horses today (arranged yesterday with her mom), but mom called me at 7:30am this morning saying that daughter wasn’t allowed to go.

anyway….. as mom was ranting about what daughter did, she said that daughter was lazy, clean clothes were all over the floor and her new clothes (brought yesterday) had been dumped on the bedroom floor.

she then went on to say “she’s also horrible, as Sunday was Mother’s Day and I asked her to go and tidy my room, and she refused! And said that it wasn’t her room to tidy…… but I have to go into HER ROOM once in a while and completely reset it”

now, this is not the first time that stepdaughter has said that mom has made her clean her (moms) bedroom and how unfair she feel it is and how demeaning she feels it is.

As an adult, and a parent I would never dream of asking my children to clean my bedroom. For me it’s a private space with private things in and I keep my own bedroom tidy… because I’m an adult!

whats your take on this? Dad’s gone bonkers and said that it’s not stepdaughter’s responsibility to clean anyone’s room but hers, and do a few chores around the house (hoovering, washing up, folding the washing etc) and I agree…. Dad wants to talk to mom about it, but we have very different parenting styles and know that mom will take this as a criticism.

what are your thoughts? Would you have your child “clean your room”?

I think that having a specific job- like changing ALL the beds, or vacuuming EVERY room is fine, and good to show it takes everyone to create a nice family home. I think making her clean a communal area is also fine. Requesting another's bedroom; sibling or parent/caregiver is weird. Like a power play.
Obviously cleaning great grannies room who lives with you because she needs support is different.

That’s what I was thinking! She’s also 12 so….. hoover the bedrooms and the landing? YES! Clean my bedroom? No.

mom is about 9 years younger than me, and from what Stepdaughter has said, her bedroom is a pigsty…. Like a “typical teen”, so it’s alot of work! And as an adult she should be keeping it tidy.

From the age of around 9 myself and DSis (18 months younger) were responsible for cleaning the whole house top to bottom. One of us would polish the whole of the upstairs, the other hoovered. Then swapped when we did downstairs. This included DM’s bedroom. So we cleaned her room between us every Saturday until we left home (both moved out around 18/19).

Children didn’t ask to be born so this idea that children need to muck in and do regular chores (particularly for girls) I find very problematic. Why do they have to do them? To learn domestic skills? You could teach your kid those ‘skills’ in a week before they go to uni! They don’t need chores every day for years. So no. She shouldn’t be cleaning anyone’s room but her own, on her own terms.

Cleaning her own room and helping out with chores around the house is and should be normal. Cleaning parents bedrooms is a bit much! At her age, I would occasionally clean my mums room because I wanted to and I was trying to be helpful if I knew my mum was tired from working and ferrying us around. It certainly wasn’t expected. Our own bedrooms and chipping in with chores, sure, but seems a bit OTT to make that part of her responsibilities.

Punishment from one parent shouldn't affect time and plans with the other parent.

@NetflicksAndSleepand do you think this was ok? I’m all for kids doing chores but think having a 7 and 9 year old clean the whole house is outrageous.
OP yes it is weird. Especially if said bedroom is a ‘pigsty’. My kids were solely responsible for their rooms once they became teens, and did other jobs: vacuuming, kitchen tidy etc. But I would never expect them to do my room.

I think it makes a certain amount of sense.
If she - the stepdaughter - doesn't clean her own room, and her mother has to then do it.
Then it makes sense to make her clean her mother's room, so she sees how the shoe is on the other foot.
So then if she feels it's unfair to have to clean someone else's room, she shouldn't be doing that implicitly to her mother - not cleaning her own room so her mother has to do it.

I never really thought anything of it till now! It’s just what we always did and we never questioned it. I certainly never had my kids clean or tidy anything other than their own rooms and then communal areas when they got older. And it was only occasionally, not religiously like when I was a kid.

Nothing wrong with tidying your parents room. There's nothing in my room that my dc can't see and I regularly cleaned my parents room. If you have weird things in your room that dc musn't see then its your choice to have or not have them clean your room but you can't dictate your standards to somebody else, you're assuming everyone has the same things that need to be private.

@Screamingabdabzsurely children do chores because families where both parents need to operate as a team with everyone pulling their weight. Age appropriate chores is a really positive way for children to gradually learn to be independent and mature fully functioning humans.

Need to work!

Cleaning is better than being on their phones all the time. Learning to keep themselves tidy and their bedroom tidy will help them in relationships in later life.

If her mum doesn't have a new partner there might not be any reason for keeping her bedroom as private from her daughter. With step kids there will be more of a need for boundaries. Also may explain why SD is a problem with her mum but well behaved with you.

I find it more problematic that boys are raised like this- to do nothing and then in a week be shown how to do everything when they've grown up with the expectation that someone else will do it for them. I think that's quite infantilising especially for teens who are more than capable.

Ds is 2 and helps me tidy his room, 'brushes up' the floors, helps load and unload the laundry, helps me cook, helps do dishes. It's an opportunity for him to feel independent and capable, to understand and get used to the routines that exist in a functioning home and a great chance for me to give him praise. He comes away feeling really proud of himself and my hope is that he grows into a man who recognises what his responsibilities are and is able to follow through on them. I'm a lone parent and I expect him to work with me as a team to care for our space in a way that's light hearted and appropriate for his age.

Op I agree that specific age appropriate chores are fair game but SM should be taking responsibility for the tidiness of her own bedroom. Unless she's been trying to teach her dd that it's unfair for her to leave a mess for her mum to clean up but just not communicated that clearly. Better ways for that lesson to happen though.

I don't have a problem with it - me and my brother had chores to do when my mum went back to work full time. One would do upstairs, and one would do downstairs, and we'd swap every so often. My parents room was included in the upstairs rota - we didn't tidy or change the bed but we'd hoover and dust/polish. And for this we got decent pocket money.

My mum and dad weren't idle, - my mum would change the beds and do laundry/ironing, and my dad would do the weekly shop, the lawn, and pick my mum up from work most nights as we only had one car and her commute was a two bus journey home.

It wasn't about turning kids into slaves - my parents felt that it was important to have a home routine, look after your possessions, and have a bit of pride about how you and your home looked. When my brother joined the forces at 18 he was the only one in his intake who didn't have a complete culture shock about cleaning toilets or making beds or ironing kit, because he'd already been doing it all.

I think having to clean mums bedroom is too far. I use to have chores that I had to do. I think it's all about age appropriate. For 9 years old I personally think it should be more just learning to be a little bit more independent (cleaning their own room, scrapping their plate, putting it in the dishwasher).

I really don’t think that’s acceptable. Poor you! This is way too much work for children of that age.

Hi, I have a son who’s nearly 18. From 2/3 he was asked to help put his toys away at tidy up time; was asked to set the table at 5/6 and tidy his own from with help from about 8. At 11 he was asked to support me, doing his washing and other odd jobs around the house. He’s now like is said, nearly 18 and looks after himself primarily. He cooks, cleans, works, pays board etc. I taught him all this so that he could be independent when he left home and a good partner to a lovely woman one day.

any other children I have will be taught the same thing and yes, I am teaching my stepdaughter the same things for the same reasons. They have to be a grown up at some point so I’d rather them learn this stuff but by bit, rather than not know if and not be a successful adult in their home life.

I completely agree that she should be tidying her own room. She does at our house, but I always go in once a year and blitz her bedroom like I did with my son, to go though toys and clothes she doesn’t use and has outgrown. I don’t ask her to tidy my bedroom in return. My bedroom is my private space (no particular reason, there’s nothing in there of interest), but it’s “our” space. It’s just something you do as a parent.

I disagree. We as her parents have to support each other so she doesn’t try to “play each other off against one another”

if we have put something in place at our house, then we ask mom to carry it on at her house for the agreed time. It works for us.

I disagree.

Supporting your child to do their room once in a while is what a parent is supposed to do. That way you can get rid of toys, clothes and books that are not used or outgrown.

Stepdaugher DOES tidy her room at home…. Just not the way mom wants it. Same as at our house… which is why I go in once a year and completely reset it.

it’s not “tit for tat”, she’s a child and does her best, but it’s not perfect m, and to expect perfection from a 12 year old is a little pedantic and not achievable.

What do you mean?

Mom is married, but separated. The father of the younger 2 is very much still involved.

stepdaughter does ALOT, of chores. Far more than I would have been expected to do at that age, and more than my son was ever asked to do at that age.
My bedroom is my private space (no particular reason, there’s nothing in there of interest), but it’s “our” space and children have never been allowed in without permission.
Stepdaughter behaves well at home, school and at our house, but does have issues with younger siblings as they are annoying.

anyway, I don’t see how it’s acceptable for a child to tidy the mess I’ve made in MY room.

Stepdaughter gets nothing in return for chores. Both me and my husband work full time and wouldn’t ask the children to “clean the house”…. Run the hoover round the living room? Empty the dishwasher? Walk the dog? Yea! Cleaning the whole house is just excessive and not a job a child child be doing.

Yes. So she does clean her own room at home and with us, but it’s not up to mom’s “standards”….. which is why she goes in occasionally and cleans it…. Which is also what I do at our house, to get rid of toys, books and outgrown clothes…. I just think that’s what a parent should do.

I would never ask her to tidy the mess (rarely I make a mess, I’m a grown up and keep things tidy!) in my bedroom. She’s 12!

I think that you need to stay out of how your husbands ex parents her children. As should he, unless it’s abusive or neglectful.

As you have outlined here, she is the parent with care.

You say in your Op that the mum has a fabulous relationship with her 3 children so she must be doing something right.