I've been seeing someone for two years. He is divorced with two children. The children are 17 and 13. I have never been married and have no children. They divorced six years ago.
My boyfriend and his ex-wife used to take pretty much every vacation together as a family. This includes Intl and domestic trips throughout the year. Both are STILL enmeshed with each others' families. Regarding the vacations; he said this was because his kids want them to keep doing family vacations - just the four of them.
I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. I didn't want my boundaries trampled over in the name of 'love'. We can all be understanding, of course - but I didn't want my understanding to be seen as weakness. Last year, they took a family trip this Summer/charted a boat in Greece etc... and to be honest, I still think I should have ended the relationship at that point - as he said he 'could come see me for a weekend' after he was done with family time. It was a slap in the face - and I felt like a mistress/affair partner in truth.
This year they aren't doing any Summer vacations together. Largely because of all that went down last year. For those wondering if I was the problem - no. It's not about 'healthy co-parenting' - as despite all these trips they used to take; they never had a good time! Everyone was miserable - and they always fought. It was weird to hear about and defied all logic.
(As for me; I tend to work a lot in a taxing job so it's not like I don't have a life, family, friends etc... thankfully my life is full enough. I have no desire to insert myself into his family life and 'stake my claim' like some crazy person, but I do want to know if this can ever go anywhere).
This year; his Mom has a milestone birthday - and she has invited EXW. I am not invited. The Mom, EXW and my BF are all in a iMessage group chat and communicate 'as a family' regularly. The EXW will be joining my BF and their kids as they travel to his Mom's state this Summer for her birthday. Is it just me or is this weird? My BF texted me to 'tell' me this was happening - and acted as though he deserved a medal given that they weren't doing any International trips this year...
Before anyone pounces at me, I fully understand the need/desire to spend time with one's children. I understand that everyone has traditions that they may like to maintain etc... I also think it's great that divorced couples can get on well for the sake of their children... except these two don't even get on well - which makes the whole situation even more bizarre! He acknowledges the setup is 'unusual'. My logic is - if they want to 'play house' - and play 'happy families' - then why not stay a family? His argument was that the marriage became untenable - and he had no choice but to exit the situation - and all the family trips are for the sake of the kids and their wants. My counter-argument is that if everything was/is in the name of the kids - then why date and drag someone else into a messy situation?
I also fully understand that when dating someone who is divorced with children, it adds many layers of complications and brings enormous baggage to a relationship. It goes without saying that when dating someone with children - children should indeed come first! They should be a priority, so if anyone is going to paint me as a 'childfree bitch', please don't.
I respect his obligations - and he's a great father, but I can't help but feel he's essentially still married - especially given his Mom still wants his EXW at her birthday celebrations.
The core issue here isn’t about respecting his role as a father it’s about whether this relationship structure allows space for a genuine partnership with me.
As this is the first person I've dated who has had children, I guess my question is twofold. I know there's no real 'normal' as no two families are the same - but how normal is this? I say that with no ill intent or meanness in my heart.
Moreover, should I just jump ship - and find someone without all the baggage? If the relationship were to end, it wouldn't be malicious or drama-filled. I'm aware that two good people can simply not be compatible. At this point, I'm in a cycle of feeling conflicted all-too-often. The imbalance may just be too great.