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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Crazy to try to 'blend' 4 teens in 3-bed house

39 replies

struggling24 · 06/03/2025 13:20

I'm feeling really sad today. DP is the love of my life. We've just agreed that he will move out in the summer after 2 yrs of trying to live as a blended family.

I genuinely thought it would be brilliant. We had a rock solid relationship and all kids get on really well, and felt comfortable and secure with us having a solid relationship.

We were together for 5 yrs before moving in. Then tried to all cram into the one house to live together.

DP might see it differently, but from my point of view all 4 kids were fine. It was his resentment of me and my kids that was the issue.

He felt he had no rights as it was our house. Hated the needs of my dc or pets being put above his needs. He does most of the housework as works from home but doesn't get much credit for it.

I can see all his points, but in 2 years we never managed to get through it at all.

It's such a shame, but surely most people would think we didn't have any chance of making it work due to the nature of the set up.

OP posts:

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 06/03/2025 13:23

I agree. Blended families simply don't work (for everybody "blending").

It's ususally just one parent that benefits and everyone else is unhappy.

Grealish · 06/03/2025 13:28

I honestly think blended families work best when both sides of family are adapting to a new change, rather than one side trying to squeeze into what already exists.

I don’t think the three bed house was the issue- I think it was the fact it was originally just your house. I’d be quite pissed off as a teenager if my room was suddenly my step siblings room and I had been pushed in with my sister. I’d also find it hard as an adult to move into a home where rules & routines had existed and try to slot myself in without feeling like I Was stepping on toes.

Im sorry things didn’t work out the way you hoped OP, its a tough situation to navigate 💐

Original poster

struggling24 · 06/03/2025 13:34

Yes we did say it would have probably been better to have all moved into a new house together. But you don't always have the perfect situation open to you at the time.

OP posts:

verysmellyjelly · 06/03/2025 13:36

I'm really sorry it hasn't worked out, OP.

TulipDay · 06/03/2025 13:47

Why did he split from the mother of his kids? Did this play a part? Hated the needs of my dc or pets being put above his needs.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 06/03/2025 13:49

You don't have a teens problem, you have a man problem.

You don't have a "rock-solid relationship" if he resents you and your kids.

Chasingsquirrels · 06/03/2025 13:58

Are you going to continue your relationship when he moves out, or is that the end of it?
You don't have to live together at this point, but it may be an option in the future when the kids are adults.

pinkyredrose · 06/03/2025 15:26

Why don't you get a new house for you all?

Was he correct that all the housework he did wasn't acknowledged? I bet 4 teens create a lot of noise and mess, pretty difficult for him to try to work from home. I bet he felt taken for granted.

lunar1 · 06/03/2025 15:27

Why does he do most of the housework? He's working at home, not sitting at home. Two adults and 4 teenagers should be sharing the load, not one person doing it all, unless he hardly works any hours.

Burntt · 06/03/2025 15:40

I see his point about housework tbf. Teenagers should be contributing and shouldn't make loads of extra housework.

That said it's a normal teen problem teaching this so should have been surmountable. sounds like the root problem was the man. Getting jealous he's not the center of attention....

DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 06/03/2025 15:46

YABU

MyUmberSeal · 06/03/2025 15:51

I can only go on what you’ve said but I actually feel a bit sorry for your partner. Neither of you sound like bad or unreasonable people. Perhaps you could find a way to build a life where there is no sense of disparity. Could you get a house together? I’d hate to have been the one ‘joining’ a household. I hope you can make it work.

RachelLikesTea · 06/03/2025 15:57

'He felt he had no rights as it was our house. Hated the needs of my dc or pets being put above his needs.'

Of course you put the needs of your dc and your pets above his needs. He ought to have known that from the very start.

stayathomer · 06/03/2025 17:10

I’d feel the same, would be very difficult to live in someone else’s house and have any form of an equal living arrangement

Thatsenoughadulting · 07/03/2025 07:10

Without knowing the full picture I really feel for your partner. I work from home so do more housework that my DH and the kids but I'm still working full time. It's not like I just have the whole day to clean. I'd feel a bit taken for granted if I was doing the majority and it wasn't being appreciated. My DH chips in when he's home from work and at the weekend. My teenager does his own laundry and does the dishwasher twice a day and my 7yo has chores as well.

I also completely get him being upset at kids and pets always coming before him. Of course their needs need to be met but they shouldn't always be the priority. Your partner should be a priority as well. He obviously doesn't feel like he is.

He's probably assumed moving in together would mean sharing the load and that you'd get more quality time as a couple but instead he's ended up with most of the housework, not having his needs met and not feeling appreciated.

There are plenty of threads on MN where women move in with a partner and basically get treated as a maid and free childcare and people are quick to tell them to leave. I'm sure you haven't meant to make him feel that way but he obviously does.

ZiggyXena · 07/03/2025 09:02

RachelLikesTea · 06/03/2025 15:57

'He felt he had no rights as it was our house. Hated the needs of my dc or pets being put above his needs.'

Of course you put the needs of your dc and your pets above his needs. He ought to have known that from the very start.

Why would you put your pet above your partner? What does this mean?

RachelLikesTea · 07/03/2025 09:25

ZiggyXena · 07/03/2025 09:02

Why would you put your pet above your partner? What does this mean?

Show quote history

I guess and example is the classic 'you love the dog more than me' or maybe the cat is used to sleeping on the bed and this might not suit a new partner.

ZiggyXena · 07/03/2025 09:29

I don't think the issue is the space. It sounds like DP didn't feel like an equal household member. It sounds like he moved into your home, remained last in the pecking order (below pets) and does all the housework for the privilege?

I think if this were to work you'd need to be on neutral ground and share responsibilities fairly amongst all of you.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 07/03/2025 09:33

It's crazy to try to blend teens in any kind of house. At least they only had to do it for two years.

aCatCalledFawkes · 07/03/2025 11:52

Four teens, two adults and pets in a 3 bedroom semi is a busy household and then you have someone working from home on top of it all. Even you use the words cram""
I can imagine that it is easy for someone to lose themselves in the house or feel forgotten, even if the intention was never for him to feel like that. Hopefully you can find your way through it and just carry on being together but not together in the same house.

CatsChin · 07/03/2025 11:56

Are you ending your relationship OP, or just going to run two households? Honestly, lots of people just run two households until all the DC have left home. Don't dispense with the 'love of your life' if this isn't what you want!

CarrieOnComplaining · 07/03/2025 12:12

OP, it does sound really sad, and I hope you can hold on to the relationship between the two of you.

However.., It was his resentment of me and my kids that was the issue.
He felt he had no rights as it was our house. Hated the needs of my dc or pets being put above his needs. He does most of the housework as works from home but doesn't get much credit for it. …I don’t see his resentment being the issue so much as his treatment in the household. How could he NOT be resentful living like that?

I do agree that most people would find it incredibly hard to have that many in a 3 bed house, especially with teens, step siblings, pets and wfh.

Given that he will now have to pay for accommodation and you will be solely responsible for your bills, was it not a serious discussion that you should get a truly joint place to suit your circumstances?

In your shoes I would try and acknowledge to your DP how hard these 2 years must have been for him and that you would like to keep your relationship going and try again once the Dc are independent.

Do not try and move in together in a new bigger place now, not fair in his Dc to be moved in, out, in , out like the okey cokey.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/03/2025 12:20

Are your DC there full time while his aren’t? If so I can easily see how him doing more housework without much appreciation would upset him. It’s not fair. Did the DC have their own rooms before you moved in together?

It’s a shame it hasn’t worked but he’s right to decide to move out. Are you splitting up?

TryingToBeLogical · 07/03/2025 13:09

I would not want to be the DP in this situation, for many reasons. And, I grew up in a house where I felt the pets were put above me and my sister. My mom emotionally bonded with her numerous cats much more than she did to us (I suppose they were eternally dependent, uncomplaining, and, therefore, safer to love). "I can't do that because of the animals" is still her go-to statement about why she can't do lots of things. Prioritizing the animals is a great excuse for stuff she just doesn't want to do.

It reminds me of a rather darkly funny quote I read once, something like... "loving animals can be a polite way of hating people."

I definitely don't hate animals (we have pets, and their needs get met like everyone else's), but feeling last in line behind pets in your loved ones' eyes is not a good feeling either

Original poster

struggling24 · 08/03/2025 12:49

Yes there are loads of sub-issues to all the points.

His older ds is here full time while my fc are only here 50%.

He won't entertain any children doing housework as he feels it's an elaborate ploy on my part to pick on his ds as he'll potentially need to do more as he's here full time.

Can't move to a bigger house etc, as DP has bad credit and can't borrow for a mortgage.

Sadly any communication goes wrong as there are so many sub issues beneath it all.

I did stop prioritising him but only because he made a massive fuss about everything I just stepped away.

I said let's not go on a holiday so we can save money. That upset him.

He had a big meltdown about his birthday and didn't want to do what I'd planned for it, and didn't want any presents- only from his youngest ds which he asked me to buy.
Didn't want the presents my dc had already bought him in case it showed up his ds, which is why he asked me to get more from his ds.

The whole thing was a total farce.

So the it was our anniversary, Christmas and Valentine's Day, so I decided not to bother getting him anything for them as I couldn't be bothered as he was so ungrateful last time.

Feel we've run ourselves into the ground over 1000 minor slights.

OP posts:

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