Opinions on moving in together

[chippystick]

Me and my DP have started to discuss living together. My DS11 goes to his Dad's every other weekend and half of every school holiday. DP's DS14 stays with him every weekend, and every school holiday (for the entire duration of each holiday).

I like DPs son and we get on well. However, I work from home full time. DP is self employed so works quite a few weekends, plus all school holidays. It's suddenly dawned on me that whilst I am working for the six weeks summer holiday for example, his son would be here, and DP wouldn't be (and neither would my DS half the time). As he's 14 he's fairly self sufficient but something is making me feel odd about it just being me and him at home most of the time. I'm fully prepared to be told I'm awful. I'm worried about bringing it up to DP and the last thing I want is it to sound like is that I don't like his son, that's not true at all.

Would you hold off moving in together?

If it makes you feel odd then absolutely hold off.

The obvious question is what does he do now? I'm assuming your partner already works weekends and holidays - so what does his son do when he's not around?

I can understand why it would make you feel a bit "odd" having him around while you try to work. You need to ask yourself if you think you could eventually get used to it. I'd also be having a discussion about any expectations on you to look after him during these times.

What does your DP do now when he had his son in the summer ? He needs to keep to that arrangement and ensure he doesn't take on any jobs that he needs to be away at weekends . Or he takes his son with him . I wouldn't want to be responsible for SS when I had a free weekend .

To echo other posters, what is the current arrangement? Your dp 'has' his son every weekend and all holidays, yet seems to work a lot of weekends and all the holidays. How does that work?

Who is more keen to live together? Who has the most to lose (privacy /space in the home with more 'stuff' coming in)
Who stands to lose out?

Consider how he parents his ds... If you don't have similar ideas don't move in. I had 2 dd's. Exh had 1 aged right in between mine.. Mine had rules. His didn't. Disaster...

I presume your DP leaves his DS at home alone since he's 14, will that be a problem for you if you're working

Sorry I should have added that the current arrangement is DP leaves his son alone when he's at work. He used to have family look after him when he was younger.

I’d probably hold off a couple of years, at least until the 14yr old is closer to having a license/part-time job/life outside the home. I wouldn’t want to spend all holidays home with someone else’s teen, even my partners… sometimes even my own, although I have no options there! You can also start getting your DP to plan toward taking some of the holidays off. If that’s the only time he has with his son, it would be good for him to at least take a week off a couple of times each year.

As long as you are not free childcare what's the issue? Are you concerned he might be noisy or disruptive?
If you don't feel comfortable around him will you feel comfortable living in the same house?

By the way not awful much better to consider this now

That's part of my worry - he doesn't seem to have a life outside at all. He doesn't see his friends or do anything in the holidays/at weekends, just Xbox and TV!

I would hold off on moving in together. My concern would be that when he leaves school he'll still just be at home gaming and watching TV. He obviously doesn't have much get up and go about him. Do you really want to be stuck potentially paying to keep someone else less adult child if he struggles to get a job?

What is your partner's parenting style like? Does it align with yourself because if not then it's a recipe for disaster.

I wouldn’t be in a hurry to move in with him.

Don't do it 😬

I'm a bit confused about current arrangements, so currently your DP has his DS every weekend but often is not actually there? And has him whole holiday but works a lot of it so DS is home alone?

It sounds like you'd be moving in with his DS with DP visiting 🤣

Tried this temporarily. Disaster! Was all rose tinted glasses about living with my partner. Two extra kids in my home, both with behavior problems DP didn’t know how to fix or even want to face up to. We live separately now and he comes to mine when he doesn’t have his children. It’s actually blissful.

OP I have a stepson who is very similar, never goes anywhere. I also WFH and school holidays drive me nuts, even though he's only here a couple of nights a week and not FT. Trust your gut.

Are they looking to move into your house?

in a lot of ways, that's easier, in fact, the perfect scenario.

Do you have an alternative to WFH? Office or co-working hub or library? I really like having the place to myself sometimes when WFH (I only get this a day a week but I still really value it) and it would drive me a bit nuts to have him there all the time

I wouldn't dream of moving in together in those circumstances.
Best for you and your son to remain alone together.
Do not underestimate how much you would miss your child free days and house.

Thanks all, I thought I was going to be called a monster!

@loveawineloveacrisp Is your step son a similar age? Are you expected to do anything when it's just you and him at home?

@polinkhausive I do have the option to go in to the office but it's open plan so I find I never get much done!

It wouldn't be for me. At the moment you get childfree weekends and days off in the holidays.

He's nearly 18 now. But no, he makes his own lunch etc so I don't really have to do anything. But he's had to be told to keep the volume down whilst gaming with his mates when I'm working.