Mine and my partners children don't get along!

[Laurajaden]

Hello,
I am 29 (f) mum to a 7yr old girl. I am a single parent after myself and her dad spilt 4 years ago.
For the last 3 years I have been dating my new partner 39(m). He has two children of his own, a 7yr old boy and a 2 yr old girl.
A year ago we made a decision to introduce our children together and have since been trying to integrate them so we can look at taking the step to move into together as a family.
Initially it was okay. My 7yr old daughter is very loud and emotional. She is awaiting a diagnosis for ADHD and possible autism. She struggles with social interacting as she cannot correctly always judge others emotions and can be quite demanding. My partner's 7yr old son is opposite. He is very shy, independent and reserved.
They got on very well initially, playing together and bonding. However as it's gone and we have spent more time together and integrating them into staying for nights at time at one house she has started to become a lot worse.
My daughter will constantly strop, shout and call both children names. And more recently she will openly hit and push them, sometimes for no reason at all. I've tried to get to the bottom of this with my daughter but she states she just feels they hate her. I explained how her behaviour is upsetting them and may be why the boy in particular is more cautious of her. However this has had no change on her behaviour
I am constantly having to put her on time out or stop her doing group activities because of her name calling or physical lashing out.
It has now got to the point where my parents kids are not wanting her around at all.
It's really caused myself and my partner a lot of stress and worry. We want all the children to be happy, and unsure how to change or fix this.
Has anyone gone through anything like this before or has any advice ?

7 is a difficult age for neurodivergent girls. IME it's when the differences between them and their peers become more obvious.

I'm a single parent to two kids with ASD. I can understand your desire to date and possibly have more children. It sounds like trying to blend isn't working for your daughter, however. Transitions can be incredibly difficult for ASD children. If she finds it hard, I wouldn't ask her to regularly sleep at another house.

I would pull back on the blending. Give her space and lots of reassurance. Get the diagnoses and start to understand what she finds difficult and what she can tolerate.

You could try reintroducing her at a later point, in a neutral place where she can choose how much she wants to join in. Instead of trying to make things work how you want them to, go slowly and follow her lead.

It isn't really fair that you don't get to have the relationship you want, or have another baby. I think it's normal and healthy to have those feelings, as long as they don't turn into resentment. I do think you are likely to have a happier life if you find things which fit well into the family you already have - build on what you've got.

I hope you can make this work in a way that makes you happy.

I am 8 years into a relationship. I have 2 SEN DC that would not cope if we blended. It would be great for me to be able to live with my partner, but DC come first. Its not even an option until the children are older.

Please stop trying to force a sibling relationship.

This.

Give your head a wobble. Stop thinking of yourself and prioritise your daughter.

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I've decided to step back from blending the children until everyone is ready.

My daughter is awaiting a diagnosis, and has been going through therapy in order for her to help express her emotions in a way that isn't lashing and kicking. She has lots of big emotions which is normal but i want to support her in expressing them safely.
She's having better days at school recently due to this also, we have had no hitting or items being thrown for the last few days.

I am being lead by my daughter and when she feels ready to do things.

I appreciate everyone's own stories and situations as it has helped manage what to expect and made me feel less alone in what is going on :)