Mine and my partners children don't get along!

[Laurajaden]

Hello,
I am 29 (f) mum to a 7yr old girl. I am a single parent after myself and her dad spilt 4 years ago.
For the last 3 years I have been dating my new partner 39(m). He has two children of his own, a 7yr old boy and a 2 yr old girl.
A year ago we made a decision to introduce our children together and have since been trying to integrate them so we can look at taking the step to move into together as a family.
Initially it was okay. My 7yr old daughter is very loud and emotional. She is awaiting a diagnosis for ADHD and possible autism. She struggles with social interacting as she cannot correctly always judge others emotions and can be quite demanding. My partner's 7yr old son is opposite. He is very shy, independent and reserved.
They got on very well initially, playing together and bonding. However as it's gone and we have spent more time together and integrating them into staying for nights at time at one house she has started to become a lot worse.
My daughter will constantly strop, shout and call both children names. And more recently she will openly hit and push them, sometimes for no reason at all. I've tried to get to the bottom of this with my daughter but she states she just feels they hate her. I explained how her behaviour is upsetting them and may be why the boy in particular is more cautious of her. However this has had no change on her behaviour
I am constantly having to put her on time out or stop her doing group activities because of her name calling or physical lashing out.
It has now got to the point where my parents kids are not wanting her around at all.
It's really caused myself and my partner a lot of stress and worry. We want all the children to be happy, and unsure how to change or fix this.
Has anyone gone through anything like this before or has any advice ?

Sometimes you just have to play the cards you're dealt.

I'd be thinking of the child that is struggling in front of you and not the imaginary child you hope to have in the future. That's a tough thing to hear because this won't be the life you imagined. You imagined a life with more than one child. I don't expect you imagined a relationship breakdown with a toddler who had SEN, but that's your lot and you need to now do your best by that living, breathing, hurting child who is struggling.

Kids with disabilities are more demanding, there's no doubt about that even in a 2 parent family you can reach breaking point. Shouldering it alone is sometimes soul destroying and you wonder where you will get the strength to do it all again tomorrow.

My DD is 15 and ASD. Her father and I split when she was 6. I've been doing this a long time alone. She needs consistency, a safe space of her own, familiarity and freedom to be herself in her own home.

You have time on your side, but do consider that your DD may well act with a birth sibling the same way as she is behaving with your partner's children and then you're really up shit creek with no return ticket.

I’m guessing she just visits her dad every other weekend etc? It’s not her home/safe space.

DD (also ASD) considers me her safe person as well, sharing you with other people, especially children is probably tricky for her.
like PP you have to accept things are certain ways with a child like this, you can’t just get her to accept change.

She actually spends three days a week with her dad. However It is likely she still may view home with me as her safe space.

It could be likely that is the case

I think I need to take some time with her to reassure her and build our relationship.
Then if she feels ready we can slowly build it at her pace.
If she never gets to that point then that's okay, her happiness comes above all

Thank you for everyone who has suggested and given helpful advice :)

Why do people say they put their child/ children first but still expect them to deal with the break up of their birth family and introduction of a new partner and step-siblings which they have no control over and are expected to accept without demur.

If you really want to put your child first keep your dating completely separate from the life you share with your daughter. Let her feel secure with you as a solid foundation to build on.

Exactly!

There is zero reason children should be exposed to the parents' dating.

"...However as it's gone and we have spent more time together and integrating them into staying for nights at time at one house she has started to become a lot worse."

Whose house are you all staying at and who is sleeping where?

"I've tried to get to the bottom of this with my daughter but she states she just feels they hate her. I explained how her behaviour is upsetting them and may be why the boy in particular is more cautious of her."

I think your explanation (that she is upsetting the other children and the boy is cautious) is re-inforcing her feelings that she's not actually liked. (And your 'punishments' for her bad behaviour will be even further re-enforcing these feelings.)

Your language also emphasises the negative results of her actions (which she probably can't help) but without providing suggestions for improvement or for behaving more positively (an answer she probably can't get to herself).

It sounds like maybe there's just too much going on for her and the bad behaviour is her way of expressing unhappiness, loss/lack of any control and not being able to cope with the new kids (while probably also wanting to get on with them).

I'm no expert but I am presently awaiting an ADHD assessment. There is no way that I could live successfully between two homes and thrive. It just wouldn't happen. I can barely keep my shit together and do what is required of me in one home, that I've been able (as an adult) to choose and adapt so it suits me. If I had to live between two homes, and then was expected to be nice and play nicely with people who turned up randomly in each home, when I just wanted to blob in front of the TV and not share my stuff, I'd actually lose my shit. I just couldn't cope. I'd be opening the front door and saying "please leave now" or holding up my hand and saying "just don't talk to me for the rest of the evening please".

I look at the children of separated parents, who move between two homes, and it makes me feel exhausted. I wonder if they're exhausted. So much is expected of them. Such little children to be managing their things and emotions, and navigating different parenting styles and different relationships between homes. Waking up in different places. Different bedtime routines. And having to do everything twice - two birthday parties, two Christmases, two of every special occasion. This is not a criticism but a lot of the parents I know who share parenting seem to parent "on speed" when they have the kids - bike rides, trips, days out to this and that. It all cuts into down time for their kids - much less time to refresh and recover.

Have you talked to your ex about this? What are the ages of the kids she see's when she's with him? What sort of parent is he, i.e. relaxed, strict, disney dad etc. This may give you some clues as to why it's working for him but not you.
Having said that, there's always going to be kids/adults you just don't gel with. Can you imagine being forced to live with someone you didn't get on with and then everyone ganged up on you and said you were in the wrong? I'm not saying it's how you are with her but it may be how she's feeling. Added to that, she may be ADHD/ASD - that's an awful lot for a anyone to cope with. Please don't add any more stress, spend less time as one big family or heck, even cut it out altogether, until she's older and able to cope better.
I'm not passing judgement - it's difficult to see the obvious when you're in the middle of it and I get that you want to move on with your life and you are entitled to - just go much slower. Hopefully you're new partner is patient/understanding and supportive.

This. It is so selfish.

Does she have her own room & space at yours where she can escape to? I’d keep any visits at yours for now and keep them short and build up. It’s probably a lot for her at the moment, split families are hard but are now pretty much the norm, so eventually we as a society will have to learn the best way to go about it, most 25 year olds (I’m guessing this is how old you were when you and ex split OP) will want to have another chance at having more children etc.

I’ve found 7/8 to be a funny age anyway, my ADHD 9 year old SS who is the sweetest boy and who had never raised so much as a finger to anyone went through a stage of lashing out at children at school when he had just turned 7, he’s back to his normal self now.

Just give it some time, spend time with him and his children when your daughter is at her dad’s so you can maintain your bond with them, take it all slowly in terms of your DD, I’m sure it will turn out just fine.

She just wants one part of her life left unchanged. Do not move in with your partner.

I feel sorry for the poor children involved in this. Your daughter is clearly unhappy with being with your partner's children and his children are obviously unhappy with a loud shouty child being forced on them.
All because you selfishly want a relationship and other children.
You should maintain separate households, see your partner when your daughter is with her father, and don't entertain the idea of living together. Or finish it with your partner full stop.
Instead of thinking about having any more children, focus on giving your actual daughter the attention and help she needs. Part of that is not forcing her to live with other children who are nothing to do with her, they're forced into her life just because you want a boyfriend.
Part of being a parent is sacrificing what you want if it means your wants are not in the best interests or wellbeing of your child.

If she is autistic then her home has to be her safe place. It should be the place she never has to mask. she should be considerate of her family members, but she should not have to conform to arbitrary social expectations.

is she at her dad’s 50:50? If she is not, she is probably masking while she is there.

you have taken away her safe space. You need to bring it back.

im not saying you can’t blend, but you have to keep neurodiversity at the forefront. You can’t expect an ASD child to follow the same social expectations in her own home. It’s cruel. she has to mask every second she is out in the world. Home is when she gets to take a break.

I disagree with most.
dd does need to learn to control her emotions. Yes she's young, but she does need to learn, and quickly, so you need to work on that, helping her. Because the shy quiet boy also doesn't deserve to be hit, pushed and called names. That is abusive and if he told school that this is how he is treated at home, or told his mum, they wouldn't be impressed. Plus dd wouldn't like if someone was doing it to her. If she did it at school to another child, her peer the other parent wouldn't be happy.

How is she at school? Work on her emotions to help her express. Have you got a date for ASD / adhd assessment yet? Chase that. Speak to teacher and Senco at school too.

Well said, @Hortus

Parents need to sideline their own wants in favour of what is best for their existing children.

This particular blend of people isn't working for anyone. Even if you somehow get your DD to stop calling the other children names and lashing out at them the damage has already been done. In the boy's mind his dad has brought a threat into their lives and he will never feel comfortable or settled around your DD. It's like asking a child to be nice to their school bully. Completely tone deaf and it will have long-term negative effects between the boy and his father.

The good thing is that you are only in your 20s. Most men your age won't even have kids and it would probably be easier for your DD to accept a childless man into your family where she can be the priority during the settling in period, and then in time you can have more kids together if you still want that.

I feel so sorry for your daughter having to put up with your selfish behaviour. She'll remember how you treat her during this time, forever.

I think you've done the right thing by pulling back for the moment. Basically the boy probably doesn't like DD because he's uncomfortable with how she behaves, she picks up on that and then reacts and on it goes.

I'd suggest stopping any kids interaction for the time being, other than very light (eg a restaurent trip or similar) allowing both sides to regroup. You then can talk to your DD about her feelings and what she wants and he can do the same with his DC. I suspect things will evolve as they get older etc so maybe it's just a case of leaving it for a while. They will probably never be friends but may get along ok.

Yeah. It doesn't work like that. If you ask a question, you are going to get some replies saying youare in the wrong.

The problem with blended families is that the reality sometimes doesn't match up to the ideal. Sometimes the kids are simply not a good combination for sharing a home.
That's just a fact...and adults choose to overlook it, ignoring the obvious and bashing on with their own agenda anyway.
They all end up in a mess of insecurity, resentment and unhappiness.

Not worth it. If your daughter is lashing out at these kids, forget it for now.

This, it's probably turned into a vicious circle.
None of the children have a place that's always there's, and the boy and his sister are unlikely to want to have someone in their lives who is physically and verbally aggressive to them.
They're too little to accept this, and shouldn't have to and will avoid her, and together excluding her, which will of course upset her.
As pp. Poor kids!

As an asides, adults often expect children to tolerate circumstances, behaviour and treatment they'd never put up with themselves, just because they're kids and essentially have no choice.

I wouldn't move in with a random who hit me and called me names. It's not my job to absorb their issues.

Eta: I'm not naysaying your daughter OP, she's only wee and needs approval and love like anyone else. Your partner would be at fault for putting his son through it.

Your daughter sounds like she is very unhappy with the situation. I don’t think your partner’s children will want to spend time in your house as they are treated badly by her and their tolerance for this will not improve as they get older. If your partner moves in with you, I suspect he will gradually lose his children once they are old enough to vote with their feet. Bringing another child into this situation doesn’t seem like a great idea. How would your daughter react to a baby? Does your partner want more children as well? He has already got two.

Well said.

Kids get shuffled around like rucksacks instead of human beings. It's reprehensible.

Absolutely this. Just see your partner and stop trying to blend the family.