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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Mine and my partners children don't get along!

54 replies

Laurajaden · 01/03/2025 19:30

Hello,
I am 29 (f) mum to a 7yr old girl. I am a single parent after myself and her dad spilt 4 years ago.
For the last 3 years I have been dating my new partner 39(m). He has two children of his own, a 7yr old boy and a 2 yr old girl.
A year ago we made a decision to introduce our children together and have since been trying to integrate them so we can look at taking the step to move into together as a family.
Initially it was okay. My 7yr old daughter is very loud and emotional. She is awaiting a diagnosis for ADHD and possible autism. She struggles with social interacting as she cannot correctly always judge others emotions and can be quite demanding. My partner's 7yr old son is opposite. He is very shy, independent and reserved.
They got on very well initially, playing together and bonding. However as it's gone and we have spent more time together and integrating them into staying for nights at time at one house she has started to become a lot worse.
My daughter will constantly strop, shout and call both children names. And more recently she will openly hit and push them, sometimes for no reason at all. I've tried to get to the bottom of this with my daughter but she states she just feels they hate her. I explained how her behaviour is upsetting them and may be why the boy in particular is more cautious of her. However this has had no change on her behaviour
I am constantly having to put her on time out or stop her doing group activities because of her name calling or physical lashing out.
It has now got to the point where my parents kids are not wanting her around at all.
It's really caused myself and my partner a lot of stress and worry. We want all the children to be happy, and unsure how to change or fix this.
Has anyone gone through anything like this before or has any advice ?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 01/03/2025 19:38

It's really common for children with a neurodiversity to feel like this and act accordingly.
Honestly I would stop mingling the children, your daughter is not coping and to keep forcing them to interact will just cause more problems between them all.
Push ahead with the diagnosis and get things back to normal for your daughter, as in more time with just yourself, she is your priority here and what you've been trying isn't in her best interests right now.

wilma84 · 01/03/2025 19:40

Hello;

I had this a few years ago when I met my ex partners children. So moving forward we had time all together as a family then twice a month he would have time just his children and I would have time with just my children and then we would have time altogether it worked for us because a lot of the time his children didn't think they got enough time with him when we were all together .. just an idea

FatLarrysBanned · 01/03/2025 19:40

Honestly? Just stop trying to push them together. They're not siblings. There's literally no reason for the kids ever to have to spend time together except because it's convenient for the parents.

Accept the time you and your partner have alone together without the children and make the most of that.

I say that as a single mum who has been dating someone for 5 years. We both have kids and absolutely no intention of trying to force them together in any way, shape or form. Both have our own homes and very happy, as are the kids.

Ilovethatbear · 01/03/2025 21:45

You should stop pushing this on DD who has enough difficulties from what you described.

A blended family isn’t always an option, and could be damaging to your DD. Can’t you just carry on as you are?

StSwithinsDay · 01/03/2025 21:47

For the last 3 years I have been dating my new partner 39(m). He has two children of his own, a 7yr old boy and a 2 yr old girl.
Is there a typo there? You have been dating him for 3 years but he has a 2 year old?

scandalito · 01/03/2025 21:49

I'm going to agree with pp. I have a 7 year old with SEN and there is just no way she would cope living with children she was not related to, of a similar age.

What you're doing is just not fair on any of the children.

I think you should put them first.

Original poster
Laurajaden · 01/03/2025 22:13

scandalito · 01/03/2025 21:49

I'm going to agree with pp. I have a 7 year old with SEN and there is just no way she would cope living with children she was not related to, of a similar age.

What you're doing is just not fair on any of the children.

I think you should put them first.

I would agree with this too,
However she already lives with children at her dads house and he states he has no issues like I'm experiencing with DD and partners kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurajaden · 01/03/2025 22:14

StSwithinsDay · 01/03/2025 21:47

For the last 3 years I have been dating my new partner 39(m). He has two children of his own, a 7yr old boy and a 2 yr old girl.
Is there a typo there? You have been dating him for 3 years but he has a 2 year old?

Yes ! My partner's daughter is 3 nearly 4

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 01/03/2025 22:15

Stop forcing them to interact with strangers!!

Original poster
Laurajaden · 01/03/2025 22:16

FatLarrysBanned · 01/03/2025 19:40

Honestly? Just stop trying to push them together. They're not siblings. There's literally no reason for the kids ever to have to spend time together except because it's convenient for the parents.

Accept the time you and your partner have alone together without the children and make the most of that.

I say that as a single mum who has been dating someone for 5 years. We both have kids and absolutely no intention of trying to force them together in any way, shape or form. Both have our own homes and very happy, as are the kids.

I understand, this is so fantastic it works so well for you guys!

We have been living separately for a while, however I would like to have more children and ideally in a home we can share together

So if there is anyway I can blend our family and make sure my daughter is happy so we can do this I would like to try it before abandoning the idea of more children and living with a partner.
Which of course I would do if I have completely exhausted all options

OP posts:
scandalito · 01/03/2025 22:16

To a degree I think it's irrelevant what's happening at her dad's house. She's acting out distress at your house, so I would act on that.

And if she does have to cope with a blended family at both houses then maybe that's contributing to the overall lack of coping.

Original poster
Laurajaden · 01/03/2025 22:18

scandalito · 01/03/2025 22:16

To a degree I think it's irrelevant what's happening at her dad's house. She's acting out distress at your house, so I would act on that.

And if she does have to cope with a blended family at both houses then maybe that's contributing to the overall lack of coping.

It is very likely.
I am trying my best to support my daughter as she is my number one priority above any of this.
she is due to start some therapy to see if she can talk openly with someone about how she feels without fear of upsetting me etc.
I worry so much about her

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 01/03/2025 22:19

If she’s already having to be around other children at her dads house it will be even more important to her to have her own space and peace and quiet away from other children when she’s at home with you.

I think you’re fighting a losing battle here. Focus on your dd for a while, I think you’ve moved it all a bit too soon. Maybe in a few years if you do want to date again go for someone who doesn’t already have children.

Original poster
Laurajaden · 01/03/2025 22:20

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/03/2025 22:15

Stop forcing them to interact with strangers!!

No one is interacting with strangers. I am not looking to be judged. I am asking for advice. If you cannot be kind please do not comment. Thank you

OP posts:
Loadsapandas · 01/03/2025 22:20

Children show distress upset via behaviour as they don’t usually have the emotional ability to express their feelings.

Your DD is telling you she’s unhappy with the children/situation.

You are putting her into trouble for expressing that.

I wouldn’t put my DC into a situation where they are unhappy, they have 1 childhood and no power, it’s our responsibility to be mindful of that.

How often is she with dad? Chances are it’s a different dynamic so she can cope better.

I’m surprised DP started dating so soon after having a baby. That must have been very unsettling for the 7 year old…

Original poster
Laurajaden · 01/03/2025 22:24

I wouldn't want her to feel punished. I've pulled back from mingling her with his children and made more time to spend with her by herself.
I do not want to force her at all. Which is why I was looking for advice from anyone who may have looked at doing this a different way that worked better.

My partner and his ex were broken up by the time that his youngest was born. It's not for me to talk about his situation on here any further. His son (7 yr old) is a happy child though and has a good relationship with both his parents and myself included.

The children have been the focus of this, which is why it took us a long time to even consider introducing them

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 01/03/2025 22:25

I am constantly having to put her on time out or stop her doing group activities because of her name calling or physical lashing out.

Really? You are punishing her because she can't cope with the stress you are putting her under?

StSwithinsDay · 01/03/2025 22:27

However she already lives with children at her dads house and he states he has no issues like I'm experiencing with DD and partners kids

Do you believe him?

Original poster
Laurajaden · 01/03/2025 22:28

StSwithinsDay · 01/03/2025 22:25

I am constantly having to put her on time out or stop her doing group activities because of her name calling or physical lashing out.

Really? You are punishing her because she can't cope with the stress you are putting her under?

Because it started so suddenly, about 7 months after they have all met and spent time together, I initially thought it was bad behaviour. However recently have realised that it isn't this and therefore pulled away from it until she feels comfortable.
I'm a first time parent and I didn't realise that it was the case, this is my first time trying to involve other children that aren't occasional play dates into my life too

OP posts:
autisticbookworm · 01/03/2025 22:29

She's not coping with the situation and shouldn't be punished for something she has no control over. Take a step back see your partner away from the children and maybe occasionally do an outing together. Take it very slowly and don't move forward before she's ready.

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/03/2025 22:32

Your desire for additional children is irrelevant. The fact is that you have a traumatized existing child. Her needs, not your broodiness, are paramount.

God, I feel sorry for the poor kid.

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/03/2025 22:32

StSwithinsDay · 01/03/2025 22:25

I am constantly having to put her on time out or stop her doing group activities because of her name calling or physical lashing out.

Really? You are punishing her because she can't cope with the stress you are putting her under?

Agree. Truly despicable.

Original poster
Laurajaden · 01/03/2025 22:36

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/03/2025 22:32

Your desire for additional children is irrelevant. The fact is that you have a traumatized existing child. Her needs, not your broodiness, are paramount.

God, I feel sorry for the poor kid.

I'm not prioritising it over her. The fact you are interpreting it this way is upsetting.

As I said I wanted advice. If there is no way to make it work my daughter's happiness would always come first.

If you cannot be helpful or kind with your comments then please do not contribute.

OP posts:
Never2many · 01/03/2025 22:36

A child shouldn’t need therapy to bring her round to the idea of a blended family.

The very fact that you are putting her into therapy should tell you just how wrong this is.

The fact is that blended families almost never work. And having more children into the mix is only going to make things worse.

And this isn’t just about your DD, o your partner’s DC also deserve to live in a house where they are not constantly being abused and attacked by a child they never asked to be there.

Personally I would end the relationship now while you can still do it on good terms, rather than wait until your DP hits breaking point over it.

You only have to look at these boards to see how many parents are pushed to breaking because of the behaviour of the SDC. Don’t let your partner be one of them. You don’t only owe this to your DD, you owe it to his DC as well and so does he.

Loadsapandas · 01/03/2025 22:38

Exactly, the 5/6 YO has parents split, then a new sibling then new woman on the scene.
Could be why he is shy and reserved.

I’d continue to date without the children involved. Maybe give it a year?
Focus on your DD, strengthen your bond with her so she feels safe to express herself with you without lashing out onto others.