Do I keep DSD's secrets?

[notbylackoftrying]

DSD is 13, has a difficult relationship with her mum.
She is increasingly confiding it me and telling me things that she doesn't want to tell anyone else, as she has got older these things have become more real and less trivial.

What things can I keep a secret and what things shouldn't I?
(Obviously if she was at immediate risk I would tell someone)

I think if there's no risk then keep it to yourself. If she's got a difficult relationship with her mum then she needs some support she can trust.

You need to be clear with her that you cannot keep things secret.

Really? Not anything?
Isn't that just telling her that she can't trust or talk to me?

If she fancies someone then it’s fine to keep it secret.

If it’s something like she’s wondering if she’s gay then it’s fine to keep it secret.

If she is self harming then you must encourage her to tell one of her parents.

If someone she knows is in danger then you must not keep it secret.

Does that help ?

It really depends on what she's saying. I know that makes it difficult as you probably don't want to divulge.

It depends entirely on context.

So for example:

-Things about her mum, worries she has about her or nasty things she’s said.

-That she doesn’t like the way her body looks and isn’t going to party coming up because of that not the excuse she told DP
(no Self harm or disordered eating just insecurity)

-Her friends secrets, eg slightly older friend being sexual with boy in front of her or friend shoplifting

What the friend has done can't be kept secret!

The one thing I'd be worried about is the sexual behaviour in front of DSD. I'd be quite clear that you expect her to not be in this position with this mate because it's so dangerous to her as a young woman and incredibly damaging to witness this at her age.

Is this happening under mums care. If it is, you have to let your partner know this.

There could be some fall out of course. Alot depends how good his relationship is with the ex. She may not appreciate being told by him if there's a problematic history.

It didn't happen under mums care, it happened after school.

I think you can and should keep her 'secrets' but with a caveat of of you feel she or someone else is at risk you will need to talk to her Dad/ Mum about it or the school ?
Its lovely that she trusts you and if you did need to break her tray you can involve her in that by supporting her to tell Mum/ Dad / school

You need to be adult and responsible here.

Some 'secrets' must be shared with her parents - the friend's behaviour for example.

You are not her teenage friend, you are her step parent.

Can you be sure she isn't hanging with this friend when she isn't with you guys. It's a tough one.

With the shoplifting, maybe the natural consequences of that and being with a mate who does that will teach her the lesson. I was stealing and lots of my pals were at age 13 to 14.

It's the boys and sexual stuff. Its all very well when people say just tell but if they stop opening up to you that's then a problem.

I'm going to try not flame the dad but where's he in all this? Why can't she or won't she talk to him.

Good advice.

Surely it's much the same as if she was your own DD. If you would want to do something about what she has revealed re her friends if she was yours then I think you need to tell her that you can't keep that a secret, but even if you were her bio mum I'm not sure what action you would take other than advising her how to act herself?
Other things, ie personal thoughts and emotions, I would absolutely keep her confidence, provided neither she nor anyone else is at risk of harm.
If it is something you feel her parents should really know then maybe chat to her and heavily encourage her to sit down and discuss with her dad, or get her permission to share with your DH if that is easier for her. Don't do it without her knowledge though, that would shatter her trust in you.

She's here full time at the moment so we know when she's with these friends.

The shoplifting and sexual activity friends are two different girls so not the case of one friend who's an all round a bad influence

I would keep every single secret bar dangerous ones like older person talking to her online (pedo) etc.

I would keep shoplifting ones a secret or even if her friend gave a boy a blowjob etc not your circus not your monkeys

I’d be trying to find her new hobbies and friends, that’s for sure. Wouldn’t break her confidences specifically if she’s not in danger herself, but I would be concerned about all that.

She's 13 and she needs help.

I wouldn't say it's a case of keeping her secrets or not it's more of a case of how to help her.

The one that concerns me the most is her older friend and her boyfriend displaying sexual activity in front of her.

Your definition of my definition of sexual activity might be quite different, so it's hard to say how far you need to take this, how did she seem to feel about it? If she was uncomfortable about it, you need to help her find a way to tell her friend that it's not acceptable to behave like that in front of others. Is she in a situation when she's with them that she could ring her dad or you or Mum to be collected? I wouldn't personally tell either of her parents, but I would make sure myself that the situation Was under control

As for the shoplifting what was her attitude like about that? Does she want some intervention to stop the Friend doing it? Does she just want to make sure she doesn't get caught up in it or did she think it was kind of cool. It's another thing it's not at the stage. I feel you need to tell the parents but you do need to make sure that what she wants to do about it. Is a acceptable and B she has a way of doing it.

With regard to her lack of self-confidence, I would just boost self-confidence and see if you can find a way that her dad can boost self-confidence without being obvious about it and maybe tell him she's struggling a bit with self-confidence but don't tell him that that's why she's not going to the party

Unless the stuff with her mum puts her in any kind of danger, I wouldn't say a thing young teenagers are often not very nice about their parents. I definitely wouldn't encourage it and I talk to her about what she says if there's an appropriate conversation you can have about it but other than that in one ear and out the other nothing that needs to go to the parents.

That way, you should be able to help her without breaking her confidence

Stop calling them "secrets" and have a proper conversation!
Tell her that she can always speak about anything with you and you can trust her however, if anything puts her or anyone in danger you won't be able to keep it to yourself.

Do you trust her not te engage in sexual activity herself and not to shoplift? If you are the person she trusts then possibly you are the best person to have these conversations with her.

Not a step mum but a family friend in my case. I had a difficult relationship with my mother and used to go hang out at this friends house. I can imagine she must have felt like you do op. The things I told her about how I felt, how my mother treated me and acted and my relationship with boys. I put her in a terrible position. I had told snipers to others and they always told my parents/school. All that led to was me getting punished for embarrassing my parents and never sharing with them again. If this family friend had told I literally would have had noone to talk to would have felt more alone than I already did and would have had much much worse mental health than I had. Her support and love and care had such an impact on me, she gave me that safe relationship of a mother that a teenage girl desperately needs. She got cancer and died when I was in my 20s. I was fucking distraught and morn her still much more than my actual parent who has also died. My own dd is named after her and I will be eternally sad that she never saw me come through my troubles and have such that loving safe relationship I learnt from her with my own dd.

Obviously if it's sa then you have an obligation to tell your oh. But honestly don't underestimate how valuable your relationship with her will be to her if she doesn't have that with her mother. And don't underestimate how fucked up teens can get when they don't have a safe relationship to turn to

I was told a lot. DSD told DDs a lot. They'd come to me if it was too much. I'd talk and listen.

I'd tell her dad if it was anything that I'd be cross if I hadn't been told if the situation was reversed. I always told her if I was going to have to tell her Dad.

I did all the contraception talks etc. I tried to negotiate the middle way. She still lost her virginity at 14. All rather grim. And she definitely regrets it now.

Can you prepare the ground a bit with her dad. Just what he does and doesn't want to know. Does he trust you to deal with things or does he want to know?

Doesn't make it better. It's worse as she has at least two bad influences in her life.

I would try my hardest not to tell anyone (unless it gets to a point where you can’t not).

It sounds like she needs you for support and once you tell, she’ll never trust you again.

Her being so open and comfortable with you means that she will likely tell you if she ever does anything wrong or feeling peer pressured into doing something she doesn’t want to do.

You are in a good position to be able to talk her out of things and give her good advice.

The fact that she’s living with you FT suggests that there are known issues with mum and so it’s likely you and DH are already aware of the issues.

For now, I would keep it all to yourself.

I think you should tell her father about the troubling friends and agree a way you can advise her. She doesn't need to know you told him, but in conveying a shared wisdom you've gotten his concerns across.

Depends what he's like though if he'd be happy with this arrangement or not. If he's wiling to do this it could be a good option I think, but some parents wouldn’t be able to keep quite and would want to deal with DSD directly.

There's different ways of looking at this, like degree of potential harm or what you would want to be told if the shoe was on the other foot and your DC was only talking to her step dad about these things. My DDs had a lot of mental health struggles, personally I'd be happy she was communicating with someone else and not just me. It's a lot to bare on your own. Psychologists have professional confidentiality requirements but these can be legally broken if there's a risk of significant harm to the client or someone else from their actions. I don't think I'd feel it necessary to tell him any of this so far. But it would depend on the details and you're the person who knows those.