Do I keep DSD's secrets?

[notbylackoftrying]

DSD is 13, has a difficult relationship with her mum.
She is increasingly confiding it me and telling me things that she doesn't want to tell anyone else, as she has got older these things have become more real and less trivial.

What things can I keep a secret and what things shouldn't I?
(Obviously if she was at immediate risk I would tell someone)

I was in the same situation as your DSD. I confided to my aunt.... She broke my trust and told so never opened up to her again.
Please talk to your husband, tell him she opens up to you and you respect her to say 'oh me n DSD had a good chat again today and she's fine' he will be happy she has someone she can confide in

This 100%. If you tell anything she will be so upset, never tell you anything again, have no trust in you, hate you and trust in adults will be shaken.
You have far more influence on her safety and wellbeing by being her trusted confidante. You know what's happening and her feelings on the things she sees others doing. You can discuss with her the risks she sees others taking and what might go wrong for them. You can have more influence on those girls too if your DSD then feels motivated to discourage her friends from doing these things. Far more effective than getting another adult to go and bollock them. TBH even if there was self harm or SA I would still tread carefully - you could destabilise her even more by telling someone she doesn't trust at an extremely vulnerable time. In that scenario I'd consider getting her help and extracting her from the dangerous situation asap - which she is more likely to do if you don't explode her life - but in the basis once it's sorted then you'll have to tell her parents in a calm retrospective way (x said this happened x weeks/months ago but now it's sorted and she's fine). That would motivate her to sort out the situation (as far as possible/as relevant) herself too, rather than blowing it up while she's very much living it and stressed by it.
Depends on the situation though, you might have to tell them straight away but make sure you're honest with DSD that you have to tell them because you love her and need to keep her safe and do it in a way that doesn't expose all her secrets and her life and retains most of her privacy, keeps your close relationship private etc.

How's her relationship with her Dad? DH can be anxious so I used to get used as a filter when she was younger.

If DSD was going to a party with alcohol he'd absolutely worry himself into a frenzy worrying she'd end up dead in a ditch. I'd still tell him, but swear him to secrecy (until the drunken teenager called for a lift). He'd appreciate that objectively his reaction was excessive so he'd tough it out in front of her (while checking her location every 2 minutes while she was out, car keys in hand).

If she'd told me she was going to a party with heroin I'd tell her 'Your Dad might be unhappy, but this isn't "Dad has anxiety" territory, it's "You're potentially in danger" territory so he needs to know so he can try to keep you safe'

If it was that she wanted to get her eyebrow pierced I'd try to lay the groundwork, remind him piercing can heal over etc so by the time she spoke to him he was open to it.

I'm fairly certain she didn't actually expect me to keep secrets from her Dad unless they were at the level of "I just accidentally bought nail polish for £20 because I thought it was £2" but she did want my help managing his anxiety, while also being vaguely aware that teenagers and parents can legitimately view potential dangers differently.

Oh, and missing parties because she doesn't like how she looks? That's not good (DSD had anorexia so that sets off alarm bells for me, possibly unnecessarily).

That's one where I would tell her Dad, but from the point of view of coming up with a plan to boost her self confidence.

Has she hobbies or interests that she needs support with?

If not, could you try to find her a hobby?

Volunteering is very difficult to find at that age, but if eg she's in a club they might like help with the younger kids?

DSD got a boost from volunteering during the DofE, and from her part time job when she was older, so anything that gives her a sense of achievement...

Also, has she done any therapy? DSD won't engage any more, but she did have therapy when younger about her relationship with her Mum as well as about the ED. I'm not sure it helped as much on the Mum front as time, friends and spending time with her extended maternal family, but if your DSD is disengaging from her friends it might be worth considering.

You can only listen when it comes to her Mum, you can't criticise. Friends and extended maternal family can criticise her Mum's behaviour without her feeling torn, but a therapist can point out if Mum's behaviour is objectively unacceptable/ damaging.

Her dad is great and they are very close, it makes sense that there are things she’d rather talk about with another woman especially as she doesn’t necessarily see me as a parent.

I have had this sort of conversation with him before and he’s just said he trusts my judgement and is happy DSD has someone she can talk to but that if she’s struggling or in trouble he wants to know so he can help.

He obviously doesn’t understand what’s it’s like to be a teenage girl, worries about her and can tend to overcompensate. He wouldn’t be mad about any of these things but I think he could overreact and DSD I can imagine would be very upset if she found out I betrayed her trust.