How to broach with DH…?

[SpikeyAF]

DSS8 mum can afford to do a lot with him, and does. Several holidays abroad each year, trips out, etc. Which is great, our DS6 understands that DSS has a life with mum as well as one with us (EOW plus longer periods in school holidays). I don’t try to keep up with it, and DS is fine with that.

DSS mum is booking a trip to Disney World for her and DSS around Christmas time - amazing once in a life time trip.

Because it’s such a special trip, I know DS will understandably feel a bit stung by it. AIBU to book a special Christmas Day out for DS while DSS is on holiday?

DSS is included in all our holidays, this would just be one day….DSS would be having a nice time with his mum, DS has a nice time with his (me) and DH (if he wants to come).

TIA

I’m not sure why you’d need to broach anything, you’re completely entitled to make nice plans with your son whenever you like! Go ahead and book something. What are you worried about? It sounds like you’re suggesting you only do nice things EOW when DSS is there, I hope that’s not the case.

Yes of course, go ahead and book. Can’t see the issue.

Of course; your child shouldn't miss out just because DSS isn't there. He does stuff with his mum; so only right you do things when DSS isn't there too.

DH swings between “DSS has a lovely time with mum so we can have a time time without him”, once even suggesting a weekend away without him (couldn’t afford it in the end), and “wicked stepmother, stop excluding DSS, why can’t we go when he’s here too”.

Oh my life this isn't even a question, of course you ds should have a special day out while dss is away ! Why would you need to broach it with dh?

Why wouldn't you do something nice with your son while DSS is on holiday? It would be wrong (imo) to exclude DSS from a family outing when he is available, but he won't be. Do you expect your dp to object?

Tell him to piss off then and not come. Your ds should be treated the same. I hate all this dsc should get more because the parents aren't together shit

That's a shame your husband is a nob.
He's the one excluding his child by only seeing him 4 days a month. That's pathetic.

Do activities with your kid and let your husband tantrum.

@Dror
in fairness to him, that was court ordered between homes as mum moved a couple of hours away.

@cruisetipz
i feel the same but DH is very protective, and it must be hard doing things without a child but that’s the situation we’re in. I worry I’m missing out on doing things with our DS because of that attitude.

I’ll have to put my tough titties on!

No court order to prevent his child being moved hours away?

Just book something, why should your child get less than DSS. And if DH objects go and have a good day with your DS.

I could sort of understand why there might be pushback on this if you were planning a glorious 5 day trip somewhere amazing and excluding DSS, but a DAY out ? If your DH is THAT precious then you really do have a bigger problem. So during the the 12 days you don't see him every fortnight you are all stuck at home doing nothing more exciting than a trip to the park?

Batshit.

Tell your husband that you are doing whatever you’ve planned. You’re not asking; you’re letting him know.

Mental to feel like you have to toughen up in order to do this. If he has an issue, tell him to jog on.

No, go ahead and book something really nice. SS is away on a dream holiday, and you don’t all have to live in suspended animation while he’s not there.

It's lovely your dh wants to include his dc but it's not fair your son misses out. I'd give him a heads up your planning something and he can choose wether to go

Wait, you're not the poster who actually is NOT allowed to get a takeaway without calling DSC first to ask if you can get one for them and drop it at their mum's in case they feel left out? Or were, before your DSS moved away?

Or maybe there are just a lot of these batshit crazy part-time dads out there.

It's really great that you're so conscious of this but one day out while DSS is at Disney is the right thing to do for your DS. Best case scenario is something that your DS would really like but not necessarily what your DSS would like? With only 2 years between them that's not all that likely though...

@Dror
court said it was okay as mum was moving due to work commitments and also nearer family as she needed support due to prior mental health issues. DSS was also very young, and I do feel has benefited from having a solid base rather than 50/50.

@Sunat45degrees
thats not me…DH has grown to be like this since DSS has expressed wanting to live with us full time (I know he doesn’t really, he just likes playing with DS. He idolises him mum).

Would it change anyones opinions if I said it was Lapland UK (we’re based in the south) with grandparents in tow?

Years of having to negotiate everyone’s feelings paired with crap on social media about step parents has me doubting myself.

@Mielbee
we wanted a small age gap so they’d get on well, which they do, but it makes things like this a lot harder.

It’s mad that your husband is so concerned with upsetting his child (who’ll be on a Christmas trip to Disney) but is content to withhold fun from his other child.

Did he go mental when the boy’s Mum booked this trip as she was leaving out his other son? Courseeee notttt!

Book the Lapland UK trip. If your DH falls guilty about going without DSS then he can stay home. You and DS and grandparents can have a fun day. DSS and his mum will be having a fun time at Disney. DS will be having a fun day with HIS own mum.

@SpikeyAF could you do a trip to disney land paris over the same period dss is away to florida??

He had no business having a second child if he wasn’t going to embrace giving that child a full happy childhood. Your son isn’t a bit part in his older half sibling’s life. It’s not his fault his dad had a previous failed relationship. It’s not his fault his dad’s ex moved away. It’s not fair that organised fun is restricted to times DSS is also there.

In the face of nasty, unfair wicked stepmum accusations ever I’d stop giving a shit what he thinks is fair and throw myself into prioritising my son. The ex has no problem doing the same with hers, why should you?

Start planning anything you like anytime you like.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Life doesn’t stop because your SS isn’t there.

Plus at 8/9 he probably doesn’t believe so it makes more sense to take your son without him.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld
We went last year, can’t afford to go again - that was a treat with some money I came into.

Thank you all for the check in, feeling more justified in my thoughts!