How to broach with DH…?

[SpikeyAF]

DSS8 mum can afford to do a lot with him, and does. Several holidays abroad each year, trips out, etc. Which is great, our DS6 understands that DSS has a life with mum as well as one with us (EOW plus longer periods in school holidays). I don’t try to keep up with it, and DS is fine with that.

DSS mum is booking a trip to Disney World for her and DSS around Christmas time - amazing once in a life time trip.

Because it’s such a special trip, I know DS will understandably feel a bit stung by it. AIBU to book a special Christmas Day out for DS while DSS is on holiday?

DSS is included in all our holidays, this would just be one day….DSS would be having a nice time with his mum, DS has a nice time with his (me) and DH (if he wants to come).

TIA

I think that you actually need to sityour DH down and sy this can't continue. Not least because it's so desperately unfair to your joint DS as he watches his brother head off on fabulous trips with mum. I think it's perfectly reasonable and appropriate to NOT be offering your DS loads of things without your DSS and you definitely shouldn't exclude him, but there is a middle ground here and currently you've gone too far over to the other side.

You have a DH problem but don't let that stop you booking Lapland. Hopefully DH won't be a martyr about it.

More generally, what you're proposing is incredibly reasonable. It's not as if you're planning endless expensive holidays and days out without DSS - you include him as much as you can. Let 2025 be the year you can break any previous pattern and do nice things when you want with DS.

Your DS is only 6 years old and it seems like he’s expected to just understand and suck up quite a bit more than DSC twice his age. If he can understand that he and his sibling have separate lives which overlap, your DH can surely pull on his big boy pants and try to understand, too.
Book Lapland, tell DH it’s happening, hope that he wants to share fully in the childhood of the child he actually lives with, and have a lovely time regardless of what DH decides.

There's 2 years between them
I'm not sure where you read SS was twice the age of DS. SS is 8 years old.

I didn’t mean this specific DSC. DSC in general, on this board at least.

Okay, but you specifically mentioned her DS being 6 and having to 'suck it up' with a half sibling twice his age.

Talking generally, but being specific on the other hand is contradictory.

Anyway, regardless of the age difference, I don't see why DS shouldn't go to the UK Lapland and if DH didn't want to go, I'd take my kid without him

Your husbands opinion was cruel. One of his children should sit at home whilst the other one is at Eurodisney?

At no point did I state that the half sibling was twice his age. I can see how you got confused though.
My main point is that the expectations being placed on a 6 year old child by his father are way out of line, so let’s not froth over how I worded it.

Not sure why you’d need to bring this topic up with your DH. What does he expect you to do, all go into shutdown mode like robots whilst your stepchild is away and not live your life until they come back?

I loathe these guilt ridden dads who expect their second family to lead second class lives.

Wait wait wait... What!?!? You're asking if it's okay for you to take your own son on a day out?

Your DSS is at Disney for christsake. You say he does a lot with his mum, what usually happens with DS - does he just have to hang around doing nothing because DSS isn't there??

Having DSS there EOW and holidays should NOT mean your DS lives half a life!

Yes you should do whatever you want to do with your own son. It sounds like DDS's mum does plenty, which is great. So start putting your own son first!

Honestly OP, i feel so sorry for second class children like your son.
Everything having to be put through the lens of another child who doesn't live with them.
I do not understand how women can accept this for their children.
Your son is being sold so short with a father and family life like that.

How dare he name call you for simply wanting to do anything nice with YOUR child when you SS is having a nice time with his mother.

Simply awful. Your poor child.
I have heard of children that grow up in environments like that and they know well they lived a second class family life when the first children were not around.
They knew well life was on hold.
A horrible blight on their childhood.

You need to woman up and rethink your situation.
Good luck.

I consider it emotionally abusive.

My daughters friend was raised as the second class child.
Two older brothers, by 5 & 7 years, all soccer mad like their father.
Coaching and matches etc., constantly not about.

She hit 18 last summer and has moved in with her grandmother for 6th form, to study apparently.
She doesn't go home and is now really very estranged from the family home.

She leaves the house after 10 minutes when her mother calls.
She has no interest in seeing her father.
She plans on going away for university and has told my daughter she doesn't care if she never sees her father and older brothers again.

Her mother is devastated.
She is a very nice woman who thought she was keeping the peace.
She is trying to get her daughter to agree to family therapy.

Take this seriously. People constantly underestimated how clever and observant children are.

This is so horribly wrong both to you and your DS. Your DH is seriously saying you can't take your son out because your DSS isn't there? That's controlling, cruel and utterly batshit. Not to mention that's he's not your boss. Another man who despite making his own choice to have two families has no way of navigating the situation appropriately - he's just thinking of himself isn't he.