Advice please

[Fahdidahlia]

Hi all
I'm looking for advice for my DH. DSS mum messaged today saying she's looking to move in with her boyfriend this summer and move DSS 1 hour away changing his secondary school application out of area.

DSS is here currently by court order 5 in 14 and half of holidays, trips, uniform etc paid for by DH. We moved last year closer so only 15 min drive currently between us and DSS ex and secondary both agreed to on application in middle of both.

DH doesn't think it's in DSS best interests. Academically all his current support is provided in this house. Additional nights are often picked up last minute resulting in care actually being far closer to 50-50 last year. Although the move coincides with leaving primary, he will leave the area he's grown up in, his friends and will be further from his brother at our home (no other children at Mum's house). Things were very rough 6 years ago and thousands of pounds were spent putting a court order in place which on the whole has worked but the move makes being involved as currently on school nights impossible.

DH has told DSS mum he doesn't agree to changing school application but wants her to be happy. More than willing to have DSS live here in school week full time. As a precaution DH has also emailed admissions at LA staying he does not agree to any change to application and he has PR.

I've tried to keep this really factual and just hoped someone could offer some advice!

Thank you in advance

I wasn't implying it was about the money to you /dh... Every nasty woman I know keeps their dc from their df and it's about the £££££. Including my exh. He didn't see his dc until eventually he got to court - all because he refused to pay £80 each for 2 branded coats for 2 x dc under 10.

Just an update for those who offered advice......DH had mediation last week. She refused to budge, offered what she knew were completely unworkable "compromises" such as pick up times when DH will be at work and that she'll learn to drive to make it work.......turned the water works on and stated that DH is trying to take DSS away from her. She has already moved much of DSS belongings to new bf house and has made it clear it's going ahead regardless. She expects me and other family members to help with pick up drop off and her bf.
DH is contacting his solicitor tomorrow and court looms again. I just want to scream in frustration.
When DH asked why bf can't move here she stated it is because he has his kids 50-50 and it wouldn't work. He asked if she could see how hypocritical that was and she said it's different. Just sums up the mentality he's dealing with.

Do you have him during the week and do you do any of the school pick ups / drop offs? Also he might want to start paying maintenance as that may go against him.

He does pay.

Hi, I wrote about all of that in original post. A very involved father who in DSS mum opinion has no choice in life decisions for their son. Always paid CmS and paid for trips etc and been involved in school pick ups drop offs and last min change of plans by DSS mum.

How are you getting there n?

On? *

Thanks for checking in. Waiting for court date. Just sad it's come to this again. Hoping for the best and planning for the worst!

How did you get on?

Still dragging on. Have a court date set in August but emergency request in due to Mum's behaviour for a hearing. Sadly it's got very nasty, but to be expected. Dealing with a hysterical 11 year old yesterday evening was horrendous. He broke down telling us everything his Mum is saying including how manipulative his Dad is (for the jist of not wanting his son moving away) and how they're doing in 2 weeks no matter what.

I'm struggling so much to hold it together. DSS deserves so much more. We've told him we love him but both his parents need to agree and if they can't a third party has to decide for them. He is petrified he has to pick between his parents and we've said it is not that and he should never have to do that.

What I still can't get my head around is how his Mum thinks she is above the rules and can just do as she pleases for her own benefit not thinking of her son first and foremost. Listening to SSS say what she is saying about his Dad and how she is effectively trying to turn him against him is just disgusting. I don't get how you can bring a life into the world and not put them first and foremost in what you do.

Even here I am trying so hard to rise above it and not say anything negative, only factual about DSS mum but I just want to scream over the lies, truth twisting and nastiness. It's just not fair to anyone.

This happened to us. Almost the exact same scenario and set up except the children were 9 and 10 at the time. mum got a new boyfriend and decided she was moving an hour and a bit away (more in traffic) to a place the kids knew no one in and an hour away from her own job at the time which was where we all lived. In our case the children’s mum and new partner waged a campaign of discrediting dh and alienating the children and were very successful at it. The court ordered that we continue with the rhythm of the existing schedule (6 nights out of 14), but the kids would go to school in the new area. They were meant to carry on playing their sport in their teams here but she refused to bring them on her weekends, then signed them up for teams up there, then managed to persuade them it would be bad for their ‘sporting careers’ to play for two teams, so they chose the ones up there (under influence from her). Her partner has since fallen out with the coach at one of these ‘superior’ teams and moved one child to a third team. So we now spend ‘our’ weekends driving them there for sports, to two locations, on top of the driving for school. Heaven forbid we miss a week-we are accused of neglect by both the other household and the children who parrot them word for word.
For some reason court did not order that travel be split equally between the parents (and their mum refuses to do more than the 30% of it she reluctantly agreed to). Therefore for the last three years we have been doing 2.5 hour round trips to get them to school 3 days a week and 2 hours on our evenings to pick them up from the farther than half way point. (Plus the weekend sports related travel). exhausting and expensive and no quality of life for any of us.
dh works an hour in the opposite direction and always has, I work where we live.
we have suggested now they are older that the get the train, (2 stops on a fast train, met at the station by a parent either end). Their mum has refused and accused dh of being negligent uncaring etc etc as he ‘can’t be bothered’ to do the driving any more. The kids, who had said they were fine with the idea are now parroting that back to us.
so we are left with the option of moving to where she moved to. We know no one there and would never have chosen to live there. And it will be an hour and 15 commute for me each way. (Similar to now but much much more expensive for dh). My older children will have to come back for uni holidays to a place they don’t know and where none of their friends or their dad is-( lesser concern but still a sadness). It will cost us in time and stress to move.
And all because the children’s mum met an absolute knobhead on tinder. It’s mind boggling how people think this is ok.

I hope your court date goes your way. And I send you all the best. The stress of it and the expense are something else!

I really hope it gets resolved, your situation popped into my head yesterday hearing from another friend - granted in her case they want her son to move as exh's new partner got a job rather than a very new boyfriend, but it is awkward.