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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice please

38 replies

Fahdidahlia · 09/02/2025 19:36

Hi all
I'm looking for advice for my DH. DSS mum messaged today saying she's looking to move in with her boyfriend this summer and move DSS 1 hour away changing his secondary school application out of area.

DSS is here currently by court order 5 in 14 and half of holidays, trips, uniform etc paid for by DH. We moved last year closer so only 15 min drive currently between us and DSS ex and secondary both agreed to on application in middle of both.

DH doesn't think it's in DSS best interests. Academically all his current support is provided in this house. Additional nights are often picked up last minute resulting in care actually being far closer to 50-50 last year. Although the move coincides with leaving primary, he will leave the area he's grown up in, his friends and will be further from his brother at our home (no other children at Mum's house). Things were very rough 6 years ago and thousands of pounds were spent putting a court order in place which on the whole has worked but the move makes being involved as currently on school nights impossible.

DH has told DSS mum he doesn't agree to changing school application but wants her to be happy. More than willing to have DSS live here in school week full time. As a precaution DH has also emailed admissions at LA staying he does not agree to any change to application and he has PR.

I've tried to keep this really factual and just hoped someone could offer some advice!

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
lnks · 09/02/2025 19:37

What does DSS want?

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 09/02/2025 19:39

He needs to ask her how the court order will still work with those miles in between.. AFAIK he can adjust cms to cover fuel costs.. Seeing as she is moving...

Original poster
Fahdidahlia · 09/02/2025 19:43

Quite rightly DSS does not (hopefully) know yet. At the age of 10 it doesn't seem fair for him to pick between his parents. We can say he doesn't like being away from his brother.
It's not about the money, it's about the time and the relationships and keeping DSS life stable which is what is offered if he remains here and cannot be guaranteed if he moves.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 09/02/2025 21:34

He needs to take this to court to stop her.

Thatsenoughadulting · 09/02/2025 22:38

She's free to move to be with her boyfriend if she wants but she can't just expect her son to uproot his life and have less time with his dad.

I think it's important to take into consideration what you SS wants. At his age a court will likely take his opinion into account.

Puppypower90 · 09/02/2025 23:04

I think at 10 his father does need to ask him what he wants. By 11 the Court will give significant weight to his view in any case.

Original poster
Fahdidahlia · 10/02/2025 07:54

Thank you for the advice. It is about doing the best by him but not putting DSS as piggy in the middle!

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 10/02/2025 07:59

Your DH needs to tell his ex that he doesn't support the changes for DSS. So he doesn't support change of school and nor does he accept less than the court ordered contact. That if she does want to change the arrangements then she will need to go back to court.
It seems unlikely a court would order DH to accept less contact because mum wants to move in with bf and change the arrangements as a result. She could move eg 30 mins away and maintain everything as it is.

Bakedpotatoes · 10/02/2025 08:04

Why can't her boyfriend move to where she is? Is it 5 overnights in 14, so I'm assuming mid week overnights?

I think you need to sit down and discuss with her, keeping calm and factual. Ideally you want to avoid court for everyone's sake if you possibly can.

MayonnaiseClyde · 10/02/2025 10:31

It’s not her choice, and luckily for your husband you already have the court order in place.

If you let it happen, you know he’ll do worse academically and have less of a relationship with his dad, stepmum, sibling and the friends he grew up with. For the sake of his mum’s love life? No.

Hellohah · 10/02/2025 10:36

Fahdidahlia · 10/02/2025 07:54

Thank you for the advice. It is about doing the best by him but not putting DSS as piggy in the middle!

I think this statement says a lot, and it's clear you want what is best for DSS. I think if DH can speak to his Mum and you can all agree to speak to DSS in a way that makes it clear his decision isn't putting him as piggy in the middle or deciding between parents but offering him the chance to decide what he wants in regards to his schooling would be the best approach.

Original poster
Fahdidahlia · 11/02/2025 18:56

Thanks all. Poor DSS let slip this morning that he already knew (albeit not all the details didn't know about school move etc). He doesn't want things to change but wants to stay here where he grew up and with his brother. Solicitor appointment booked. Very scary as court was horrific last time. Hope it can be more amicable and child focused this time around on all sides.

OP posts:
MayonnaiseClyde · 11/02/2025 19:19

Good luck OP

Bakedpotatoes · 11/02/2025 19:34

Fahdidahlia · 11/02/2025 18:56

Thanks all. Poor DSS let slip this morning that he already knew (albeit not all the details didn't know about school move etc). He doesn't want things to change but wants to stay here where he grew up and with his brother. Solicitor appointment booked. Very scary as court was horrific last time. Hope it can be more amicable and child focused this time around on all sides.

Is there no way you can discuss with the mum before escalating to solicitors and court?

Original poster
Fahdidahlia · 11/02/2025 20:01

It is has always been Mums way or not at all which was why the court order had to be put in place. She is also unlikely to listen to DSS. His words this morning were "Mum says we're moving in with Mum's bf. It's her choice and I don't get a say". This meant poor DSS knew even before DH. Sadly I think that sums up what we're dealing with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fahdidahlia · 11/02/2025 20:03

And apologies @Bakedpotatoes I never answered your previous questions. Bf has children too that he sees EOW near to where his home is. Although currently stays most of the week at DSS mums. This relationship is maximum 4 months in length too which makes it all the more concerning that DSS would become very isolated if the relationship breaks down.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 11/02/2025 20:08

You have done the right thing.

DSS is lucky to have you guys

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 11/02/2025 20:17

Your DH needs to apply for a specific issue order to stop her moving DSS. Everything else aside upending her son's life over a man she's known for 4 months is really bad parenting and his Dad should protect him from the potential consequences of that relationship failing.

Burntt · 11/02/2025 20:59

I think what you need is called called a prohibited steps order.

Unblended · 17/02/2025 00:04

My DP lost a prohibited steps order on relocation. The exw moved 2 hours away to live near her sister and took the kids.

Schools had not even been identified in the new area. DP was doing 40pc of the parenting already (but with exw being canny about overnights). He had offered to give the exw the family home.

He lost anyway. Cost him tens of thousands of pounds.

But there seems or be a lot in your favour.

Child arrangements are established (DP’s had not been as he did win 50-50 and the exw hit back with the relocation immediately).

The exw in your case isn’t moving for family support but to live with a BF she barely knows.

Maybe try mediation first? A legally qualified mediator should advise both sides what a court is likely to rule.

Good luck. And sorry. I know from experience how awful this is.

MeridianB · 17/02/2025 13:44

"Mum says we're moving in with Mum's bf. It's her choice and I don't get a say".

just four months into a relationship? Wow. What a bitch she is. Absolutely the right thing to put DSS first in all this. Hopefully he’ll move in with you guys.

Original poster
Fahdidahlia · 17/02/2025 19:54

Thanks all. Met with solicitor. He says mediation pointless as there is no middle ground. Strong probability for us as not a relocation for job or family. Going to be a tough few months ahead for us all as she will go mental and with a current scary health scare I'm going through it's the last thing we need as a family but wont let DSS down.

OP posts:
Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 17/02/2025 19:59

Does he pay her via cms or an agreed amount? ? Bet this is a factor in taking dss with her. Suggest dss stay with you the majority of time and money stays the same...
Then go via cms calculator when she moves...
She can't argue with cms...

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 17/02/2025 20:00

Or agree you won't claim cms off her if dss stays with you.... Ime it's always about money..

Original poster
Fahdidahlia · 17/02/2025 20:10

DH does pay by CMS amount to her (but does pay for everything at ours, double uniform sets and 2/3 school trips) and there is a huge backstory to why. It has been a driving force in her behaviour before. We are more than happy to have DSS live with us full time and still pay the same to her. It's not about the money. It's about him and his brother.

OP posts: