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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex brainwashing DSS

32 replies

LoveGreen35 · 07/02/2025 18:38

The ex wife has always been extremely difficult. They had been separated for 4 years when we met. We’ve been together 4 years now so it’s been a long time since they split. They split because of her unreasonable behaviour.

We got engaged recently and since then she has been on a charm offensive with my DP. Sent a Xmas present (first time in many many years), invited him round for a family meal (just him), sent 2 slices of cake for him and dss to eat (we have 2 other children in our house). We are trying to ignore hoping she’ll give up.

However the worst part for me is she interrogates DSS (11yo) when he’s with her and basically coerces him into saying he doesn’t like me (soon to be stepmum) and that he wishes we’d never met etc. Then sends DP multiple very long emails telling him he should be putting DSS first and effectively saying he should leave me and our children and just be with DSS.

it feels very much like parental alienation but against me as stepmum rather than DP as father. DSS said he just agrees with her that he doesn’t like me to shut her up so he can go back on his Xbox. She is highly manipulative and cries at the drop of a hat so he’s stuck in the middle trying to keep her happy. I feel sorry for DSS but also find the emails really insulting and upsetting.

DSS says she cried for 2 days when we got engaged and if he says he likes coming to us or likes me, she also cries. She thinks if it wasn't for me, they would get back together (despite 4 year
separation before i came along!).

Any recommendations on how to deal with this? For context we had to get a CAO for contact when I came on the scene as she threatened DP to cease all contact unless he ditched me.

Thanks for any words of wisdom.

OP posts:
Thatsenoughadulting · 07/02/2025 20:48

LoveGreen35 · 07/02/2025 20:03

We don’t interrogate him when he’s with us, pretty much everything we know is from the massive emails she sends us. Sometimes he randomly offloads about her because she’s been doing his head in eg when she cried all weekend. I’m confident he feels at ease with us and is happy here. He confides in his dad about everything and they have always had an open dialogue about his mum because her issues are long standing and pre date me coming along.

Show quote history

Sent up an automated email response.

Only emails in relation to schedule change requests will be read and replied to. All other emails will be ignored and deleted.

Or use the our family wizard app.

BadSil · 07/02/2025 22:24

She doesn't have to deal with her now. Her husband does. And he will continue to have to deal with her if OP leaves him. Op will still have to make compromises and arrangements around stepson, dad and ex-wife. She may well end up feeling even less in control of the situation as she does now and will likely have to sacrifice time with her own children while they have time with their dad, not to mention the financial strain divorce can bring. It's entirely unnecessary for Op's marriage and family to separate.

Original poster
LoveGreen35 · 08/02/2025 09:51

BadSil · 07/02/2025 22:24

She doesn't have to deal with her now. Her husband does. And he will continue to have to deal with her if OP leaves him. Op will still have to make compromises and arrangements around stepson, dad and ex-wife. She may well end up feeling even less in control of the situation as she does now and will likely have to sacrifice time with her own children while they have time with their dad, not to mention the financial strain divorce can bring. It's entirely unnecessary for Op's marriage and family to separate.

Thank you, we definitely aren’t looking at separating as a solution to his menace of an ex wife. There has been a huge amount of difficulty with her all along and this is just the latest ‘tactic’ she is using to try and cause division in our fairly happily blended family. He actually wants to come and stay with us more than the CAO but said he can’t say that to her because when he’s mentioned it before she sobs and says ‘but you’re all I have’.

I guess I’m just frustrated that she can send all these awful emails and pressure our DSS to say things he doesn’t feel and there is no way of stopping her. Hopefully he will not be affected long term by the emotional weight she places on him and will be his own person.

OP posts:
DarlingSophieImHome · 08/02/2025 10:43

Move onto a court approved app for communication then this isn't something hidden. Take whatever steps are needed to do that. She is flouting the one email a week and only about the child so expose any future communication to scrutiny should the need arise.

You cannot change who she is or what she does only your response to it. Therefore my move would be the court approved app.

Thatsenoughadulting · 08/02/2025 16:45

LoveGreen35 · 08/02/2025 09:51

Thank you, we definitely aren’t looking at separating as a solution to his menace of an ex wife. There has been a huge amount of difficulty with her all along and this is just the latest ‘tactic’ she is using to try and cause division in our fairly happily blended family. He actually wants to come and stay with us more than the CAO but said he can’t say that to her because when he’s mentioned it before she sobs and says ‘but you’re all I have’.

I guess I’m just frustrated that she can send all these awful emails and pressure our DSS to say things he doesn’t feel and there is no way of stopping her. Hopefully he will not be affected long term by the emotional weight she places on him and will be his own person.

Show quote history

I would maybe look at getting him into therapy because what she is doing is emotional abuse and it will affect him. His mother's emotions should not be his responsibility to manage.

Unblended · 16/02/2025 01:51

I think stepmother ‘alienation’ is real, barely discussed and awful for us and the poor children.

I’m so sorrry OP.

I’ve been through this myself.
DP put the alienated kid in therapy over it. The exw pulled him out.

It’s horrible, truly. I have given up on it completely and detached from DP’s kids. We couldn’t ever resolve it. I chose to enjoy my independent life during DP’s contact time. He has to parent alone until he fixes it. I am not sure he ever will.

Original poster
LoveGreen35 · 20/02/2025 15:35

Unblended · 16/02/2025 01:51

I think stepmother ‘alienation’ is real, barely discussed and awful for us and the poor children.

I’m so sorrry OP.

I’ve been through this myself.
DP put the alienated kid in therapy over it. The exw pulled him out.

It’s horrible, truly. I have given up on it completely and detached from DP’s kids. We couldn’t ever resolve it. I chose to enjoy my independent life during DP’s contact time. He has to parent alone until he fixes it. I am not sure he ever will.

Well we went back to her latest email with a suggestion that if DSS is telling her one thing, and us another, then maybe we should consider family mediation or counselling so he can have his voice heard. Suddenly she has gone silent, which speaks volumes to me.
DSS seems happy and has good communication it’s DP. Just have to keep going and look forward to when he is old enough to make his own decisions.

OP posts:
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