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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex brainwashing DSS

32 replies

LoveGreen35 · 07/02/2025 18:38

The ex wife has always been extremely difficult. They had been separated for 4 years when we met. We’ve been together 4 years now so it’s been a long time since they split. They split because of her unreasonable behaviour.

We got engaged recently and since then she has been on a charm offensive with my DP. Sent a Xmas present (first time in many many years), invited him round for a family meal (just him), sent 2 slices of cake for him and dss to eat (we have 2 other children in our house). We are trying to ignore hoping she’ll give up.

However the worst part for me is she interrogates DSS (11yo) when he’s with her and basically coerces him into saying he doesn’t like me (soon to be stepmum) and that he wishes we’d never met etc. Then sends DP multiple very long emails telling him he should be putting DSS first and effectively saying he should leave me and our children and just be with DSS.

it feels very much like parental alienation but against me as stepmum rather than DP as father. DSS said he just agrees with her that he doesn’t like me to shut her up so he can go back on his Xbox. She is highly manipulative and cries at the drop of a hat so he’s stuck in the middle trying to keep her happy. I feel sorry for DSS but also find the emails really insulting and upsetting.

DSS says she cried for 2 days when we got engaged and if he says he likes coming to us or likes me, she also cries. She thinks if it wasn't for me, they would get back together (despite 4 year
separation before i came along!).

Any recommendations on how to deal with this? For context we had to get a CAO for contact when I came on the scene as she threatened DP to cease all contact unless he ditched me.

Thanks for any words of wisdom.

OP posts:
strawberrysea · 07/02/2025 18:42

Honestly my advice would be to leave and get with someone that has less baggage. I appreciate it's not that easy to just get up and leave but I can't even imagine the stress this causes you on a daily basis.

lnks · 07/02/2025 18:44

It's not great, however, it isn't parental alienation as you are not his parent

Original poster
LoveGreen35 · 07/02/2025 18:48

lnks · 07/02/2025 18:44

It's not great, however, it isn't parental alienation as you are not his parent

I know, I was referring to it ‘feeling’ like parental alienation but am aware as a step parent there isn’t any mitigation for this. How would you deal with it?

OP posts:
Autumndayz77 · 07/02/2025 18:48

My advice is to either leave and if you don’t. Want to leave put in place stone clad boundaries that you will not discuss her, do not want to know about any communications etc.

My DPs ex is very difficult. I manage it by having zero involvement with her. Altho I am fortunate DP has a CAO and doesn’t hear much from her anymore since he stopped responding to her unless completely necessary

Original poster
LoveGreen35 · 07/02/2025 18:52

Autumndayz77 · 07/02/2025 18:48

My advice is to either leave and if you don’t. Want to leave put in place stone clad boundaries that you will not discuss her, do not want to know about any communications etc.

My DPs ex is very difficult. I manage it by having zero involvement with her. Altho I am fortunate DP has a CAO and doesn’t hear much from her anymore since he stopped responding to her unless completely necessary

Thank you. Our CAO stipulates one email per week and it can only be about logistical arrangements. However she flouts this all the time and this week alone has sent 4 emails bad mouthing me. It was triggered this week by me collecting DSS from school because DP was stuck in a meeting.

OP posts:
BornSandyDevotional · 07/02/2025 18:55

I don't think children are 'brainwashed' easily, if at all. I'd turn the other cheek and just be nice to the child, frankly. You're not their parent. Of course they'd like their mum and dad back together. That's standard. It does sound like mum's pretty mean. But step back and build a separate relationship with the child when you're able. It isn't easy. But it is what it is. Do cut out the idea that parental alienation against a non parent is a thing though. Because it isn't. She might be using you as leverage. And it is hurtful. But don't go there, for your own wellbeing as much as anything else.

lunar1 · 07/02/2025 18:58

I think your partner needs to be careful his son isn't being interrogated at both houses reading that, you have an awful lot of information there.

Step children often end up being the ultimate people pleasers trying to keep both parents happy. Saying what they think they want to hear, even if it isn't quite true, or taken out of context.

Autumndayz77 · 07/02/2025 19:15

LoveGreen35 · 07/02/2025 18:52

Thank you. Our CAO stipulates one email per week and it can only be about logistical arrangements. However she flouts this all the time and this week alone has sent 4 emails bad mouthing me. It was triggered this week by me collecting DSS from school because DP was stuck in a meeting.

Show quote history

Honestly, you don’t need to know about these emails. Get DP to sort and leave you out of it.

he should respond only once a week as per the CAO and only to anything to do with logistics. DPs ex soon stopped when he just ignored her emails. Prior to that he was getting war and peace on everything, they are not allowed to wash their hair here, we buy the wrong brand of bread, DSC didn’t like having to tidy their room, it just went on and on as DP initially felt the need to defend everything.

Autumndayz77 · 07/02/2025 19:17

lunar1 · 07/02/2025 18:58

I think your partner needs to be careful his son isn't being interrogated at both houses reading that, you have an awful lot of information there.

Step children often end up being the ultimate people pleasers trying to keep both parents happy. Saying what they think they want to hear, even if it isn't quite true, or taken out of context.

This really resonates. My poor DSC are complete people pleasers. Often telling people what they think they want to hear. I think it’s held them back from developing a sense of self. They are lovely kids and it’s such a shame!

Original poster
LoveGreen35 · 07/02/2025 19:23

Autumndayz77 · 07/02/2025 19:17

This really resonates. My poor DSC are complete people pleasers. Often telling people what they think they want to hear. I think it’s held them back from developing a sense of self. They are lovely kids and it’s such a shame!

Show quote history

We had the same conversation earlier this week, that we are worried she’s turning him into a ‘people pleaser’ and he doesn’t feel he can say the truth. It bothers me how that will potentially affect his future relationships.

OP posts:
heroinechic · 07/02/2025 19:26

Can't your partner just speak to her and say that he's blocking her email address and will only speak to her via text about logistical things relating to DSS - anything else will be categorically ignored? That he feels that she is manipulating DSS and displaying irrational behaviour with her obsession with you; and that he has spoken with DSS and has satisfied himself that DSS is not unhappy with the contact arrangement.

nwsw · 07/02/2025 19:32

So your partner to stop telling you.

Don't get involved.

Be the best parent and step parent you can.

nwsw · 07/02/2025 19:32

Sorry that should say 'ask your partner to stop telling you'

poorbuthappy1 · 07/02/2025 19:38

Walk away, it won't get any better.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2025 19:45

Well, you can't change her behaviour.

So your options are;

  1. Leave - so that you'll never have to deal with this again
  1. Stay - and keep totally out of it. Tell your partner you don't want to be involved. You don't want to hear about the emails.
  1. Carry on as you are. Being completely involved and getting upset about it.
arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2025 19:46

We had the same conversation earlier this week, that we are worried she’s turning him into a ‘people pleaser’ and he doesn’t feel he can say the truth. It bothers me how that will potentially affect his future relationships.

There's possibly some irony here. It may well be that he doesn't actually like you but is saying what he thinks you want to hear.

BadSil · 07/02/2025 19:47

Your partner has to grey rock her. If her emails don't have anything in them about the practicalities of co-parenting SS then he simply files them in a folder and ignores them. If the email is a page of abuse and somewhere in there is a sentence that details something practical like a pick up time, then he only responds with the most boring and perfunctory answer. It's a bit pavlovian. Ignore the bad behaviour and only give attention to the good behaviour.

Your SS sounds like he is a bit stuck in the middle. Often children of this age (especially only children) will seek to soothe the parent they believe to be coping less. This means telling them what they want to hear and in some cases it can even look like refusing contact with the parent they believe is stronger or coping better or has other children. It's incredibly damaging for kids and can lead to feelings of resentment and guilt in adulthood. I'd be tempted to get someone for SS to talk to about the family situation. Some mediation services offer child inclusive mediation which involves a specialist mediator spending time alone with the child and using play/art therapy techniques to find out what's happening from their perspective. With the child's permission this can be fed back to parents.

I'd also suggest carrying on with the relationship as you see fit. Keep being a warm, kind and steady presence in his life. Don't engage him in conversations about his mum or about his life at home with mum unless it is positive. Don't ask him if he likes you. Just ignore and carry on.

BadSil · 07/02/2025 19:49

Also suggesting the Op leaves isn't really going to help her situation because she has children with him. The three adults' lives are now inextricably linked forever whether they like it or not.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2025 19:56

BadSil · 07/02/2025 19:49

Also suggesting the Op leaves isn't really going to help her situation because she has children with him. The three adults' lives are now inextricably linked forever whether they like it or not.

It helps her with the particular problem she's talking about as she'd never have to deal with her again.

Original poster
LoveGreen35 · 07/02/2025 19:58

heroinechic · 07/02/2025 19:26

Can't your partner just speak to her and say that he's blocking her email address and will only speak to her via text about logistical things relating to DSS - anything else will be categorically ignored? That he feels that she is manipulating DSS and displaying irrational behaviour with her obsession with you; and that he has spoken with DSS and has satisfied himself that DSS is not unhappy with the contact arrangement.

Believe me he has tried this so many times, tried to reason with her and defend himself etc. She is insatiable and just replies to every message with even more BS. If he tries to shut her down she just comes back with even more twisted crap about him being in denial etc.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/02/2025 20:01

Move communication onto a court approved app.

Don't reply to the messages just stick with the court order.

Lots of reassurance for DSC that it's ok to feel how he feels. That his behaviour is lovely and you appreciate it. Etc.

Read and reread how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, help develop his critical thinking and sense of self.

Original poster
LoveGreen35 · 07/02/2025 20:03

lunar1 · 07/02/2025 18:58

I think your partner needs to be careful his son isn't being interrogated at both houses reading that, you have an awful lot of information there.

Step children often end up being the ultimate people pleasers trying to keep both parents happy. Saying what they think they want to hear, even if it isn't quite true, or taken out of context.

We don’t interrogate him when he’s with us, pretty much everything we know is from the massive emails she sends us. Sometimes he randomly offloads about her because she’s been doing his head in eg when she cried all weekend. I’m confident he feels at ease with us and is happy here. He confides in his dad about everything and they have always had an open dialogue about his mum because her issues are long standing and pre date me coming along.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveGreen35 · 07/02/2025 20:05

RandomMess · 07/02/2025 20:01

Move communication onto a court approved app.

Don't reply to the messages just stick with the court order.

Lots of reassurance for DSC that it's ok to feel how he feels. That his behaviour is lovely and you appreciate it. Etc.

Read and reread how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, help develop his critical thinking and sense of self.

Do you know what app is recommended by any chance? It is in the CAO that if communication fails we will move across to an app so I have suggested this as the next step but the CAO doesn’t name any particular app. I’ve looked online but there are so many.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/02/2025 20:11

Well AI & google say OurFamilyWizard.

Thatsenoughadulting · 07/02/2025 20:43

Just ignore her. Don't reply to any of the emails and ask your OH to just delete them and not tell you about them.

It sounds like your SS is pretty switched on and her manipulation isn't working. I don't think you have anything to be concerned about. Just leave her to be bitter, let her cry for days or whatever floats her boat. If anything, your SS will end up resenting her for her behaviour and he's at an age now where he'll be able to decide who to live with.