OH thinks I should be doing more

[KhakiGoose]

Throwaway account. I actually posted this on another step-parenting forum recently but wanted to get some more perspective as after yet another conversation with my OH about it, I feel like I’m going around in circles. This is going to be long, sorry.

I’ve been with my partner for a year now, we don’t live together and I have no plans to. I have DS13 and DS10 and he has one DS who is 4, and we both have 50/50. Our Sundays with our respective kids fall on opposite weekends so I spend my free ones with OH and his son.

I'll admit that when I met his son (very early on in the relationship which with hindsight I wasn't 100% comfortable with) I did put maximum effort in to everything the whole time we were together. Obviously I wanted it to go well and my OH was also super keen for us to start to 'bond’. His son is sweet enough but I find him very 'full on' and quite demanding of time and attention. For example he doesn't seem to be able to play by himself for even very short periods of time (he will start sobbing and saying he can't and doesn't know how to etc when suggested to him). When we are playing, all his games involve being very physical, pretending to be things (pirates, aliens etc), hide and seek, the floor is lava, that kind of thing. Even when we sit down and watch a movie or show, it's a constant running commentary on everything and just doesn't feel like a remotely relaxing experience. He's only recently in the last couple of weeks starting sleeping in his own bed consistently (after I pretty much insisted on it) and will still wake up needing OH a few times a night. I do also find him quite baby-ish in other ways, such as still having a dummy, having a bottle of juice at bedtime, using a buggy etc, but I try to keep my parenting preferences to myself if it's not directly affecting me (like the sleep issue was).

Anyway, for various reasons I haven't been sleeping well at all for the past 3 months or so, have been dealing with a few chronic health issue flare ups, and struggling a bit with anxiety. As a result I've been pretty exhausted. I work a fairly mentally demanding job, and as mentioned have two boys of my own who also have busy schedules. I've found myself starting to put some boundaries in place with my OH's son in terms of taking more regular breaks from playtime, taking myself off to the bedroom for some time to rest and decompress (between 15-30 mins for example), going to bed earlier if they’re having a late movie night or where possible having a lie in on a Sunday.

During a discussion about all sorts of life/parenting things, it's come to light that my OH isn't too happy that I've taken this step back. He feels I should be making more effort to play whenever his DS wants, and should be getting up with them when it's his Sunday as the kid is excited to spend time with me and it's unfair of me to 'lie in bed for hours' ignoring them downstairs. Aside from the fact that I'm particularly exhausted right now, l'm up by 6am five days a week and often take my DS's to football matches of a weekend or am facilitating their social lives and sleepovers etc, even when it’s not technically my weekend, (which I absolutely don’t mind). I feel like I'm entitled to spend the odd Sunday l actually have off, resting and recharging a little. For context I can only think of one occasion where I did stay in bed for a few hours when I was having a truly shitty day, more often than not l'll be up and about with them within an hour or so and will then spend the whole day with them. OH says he feels disappointed that I don't want to maximise my time with his DS, that he's tired too but just has to get on with it, and that he finds it hard not to be sad when DS is excited to spend time with me but l 'choose to sit on my phone ignoring him’ instead.

I've told him that I'm giving everything I have right now. It's not that I don't care, don't like him or his son, or want the relationship to go backwards. But I'm not a bottomless pit, I'm a human being with my own needs and wants and I'm struggling to give everyone and everything in my life 100% or even 80% right now because I'm so run down. He says he understands to a degree but has essentially told me that unless I can be all in, I should just stay at home when he has his son as he can't cope with the disappointment. My stance is that it shouldn't need to be so black and white, all or nothing. We should be able to compromise, he should be able to trust me that I'm not just being lazy and I will give as much effort as I possibly can (which yes may look different on any given day), and that it might perhaps be a valuable lesson for his son to learn that people aren't robots here to cater to his every whim every waking minute of the day.

Am I being selfish?

The more you post, the more irritated I become with you, to be honest. Why on Earth are you tolerating this nonsense? For what reason?

Oh no no no OP. I’d be done after this comment. People who have this mindset (it’s everyone else, it’s not me) are dramatically lacking in empathy, insight, and good levels of emotional intelligence. Not a good man, you don’t have to stay with him you know!

You are not being selfish AT ALL!

In your shoes I would probably spend those weekends in your own home and if you want to meet up with them then go for it! It's so important for you to recharge.

Let him do the parenting of his child and you can join in for the fun parts if you want to! Building a relationship with his son is of course important if it's long term but that doesn't mean you have to be physically present 100% of the time.

FASTEN YOUR OWN MASK is even more important as a Stepmum!

Good Luck x💐

He will be saying that about you too op, in his head it’s true because how could you not see he needs his downtime and you parent his child non stop for him so he can have it. Instead you, this abusive woman that you are, expected a break too.

I would take a step back and really think about whether you want this relationship

I wouldn't want to be with a man who thought it was okay to introduce me to his 4 year at such an early stage of the relationship

The more I read your posts about this man, the more I think you just need to end it.

Soooo many red flags. I also think you know it isn't right. This man isn't for you. I'd knock this one on the head and get your life back.

Before you get into another relationship, think about what YOU want from it. I'm sure looking after a 4-year old on your precious weekend off isn't on your list.

And that shows you that he is using you as a nanny.
And all the ‘X is always asking about you’ is guilt tripping. Or actually you’re the one who really is giving him attention!!

If you add the bit about ‘all women have abused him in the past’ …..

It starts to look like full blown 🚩🚩

Sorry. I dint think it’s just a question anymore of ‘staying at your home to rest and recover from your illness’.
More a question of ‘is that a healthy relationship?’

'No, I’d never expect him to be either. I’ve only introduced him to my two more recently so it’s early days. Obviously they’re older and much less demanding, so it’s difficult to compare really.'

@KhakiGoose it really isn't difficult to compare actually. Is he bending over backwards to do age-appropriate activities with your sons? Is he taking them to activities, museums, sports stuff, the park, playing video games with them etc etc? Or is he sitting there staring at the TV or whatever while you and yours sons continue to have your regular Sunday?

He sees you as free childcare I'm afraid. You say his son is full-on so it's easier for him if you're there to pick up the slack.

This really gets worse and worse. OP: save yourself! Run away!

I’d end this relationship. Sounds exhausting and not remotely fun. I find it hard enough having my DS around being a gooseberry in my marriage to his father! A year in a relationship should be about fun and spontaneity and sex, not arguments over parenting.

You’ve done your preschooler child rearing and your boys sound great. He was sneaky and disingenuous at the beginning, he’s giving you ultimatums, he is clearly looking for a whole load of emotional support re the fall out from his car crash marriage. Sounds really tedious. What exactly is it that you like about him, or being with him?

Too many men leave the vast majority of parenting to the DM, when the relationship fails they want 50/50 with no real idea of what that entails. Your DP says he did everything but I'd question that, he doesn't cope very well with his DS and he's much too quick to dump everything on you.
I'd take him at his word @KhakiGoose , take some weekends off from him and do your own thing. If he tries to guilt trip you, just tell him he wanted all or nothing and this weekend it's nothing.

So many saying maybe OP can do xyz with the son, maybe she can go over during the week to see him etc. WHY??? Why would she do that?! He isn't her son. She doesn't owe his dad childcare so he can have a break. Her boyfriend should assume he's solo parenting the entire time he has his son, whether OP is there or not.

If the son tantrums, his dad should deal with it. Where is the notion that OP isn't being kind if she doesn't do what the son wants, coming from? OP should stamp on that by telling the son she's not being unkind, he can't always have things his own way and she doesn't want to play right now. Her boyfriend should actually be saying all that so she doesn't have to. As for telling his mum! He should be told he can tell his mum anything, OP isn't doing anything wrong. Threatening to tell his mum is a non issue and shouldn't be met with promises to play in a minute. It's incredibly manipulative. Where's he learning that from I wonder! His manipulative dad that's who. OP shouldn't be trying to appease a child who says do as I want or I'll tantrum and threaten you. Her boyfriend shouldn't be standing by while this happens either. He should be parenting his son.

There's also nothing wrong with OP who has been invited to stay over with her boyfriend expecting nobody else to be in the bed when they lay down to sleep! If he's not going to put his son in his own room then he shouldn't be inviting anyone to stay over. It's not the same as a small child crawling into bed in the morning for half hour or after an occasional nightmare. This guy is inviting his girlfriend to sleep over whilst he's still co-sleeping with his son. It's totally ridiculous.

Why are you pouring all your energy into him and his son like this? He doesn’t pour his energy into you or your children.

Stop treating him and his son like they’re family. They’re not. He’s just a boyfriend and a bad one at that. Focus on yourself and your own family.

I wouldn’t play with my own child all day like that, and I certainly wouldn’t be doing it while his father was sat on his arse. You’ve become the help and he sees you as a free resource. Who cares what he wants.

You do more with his DS than he does....and yet apparently you're not doing enough?

He hasn't got the first clue what being a parent or partner is about, and he's too busy playing Pokemon to care. He's a child in a man's body. Stick with him and you'll have 4 boys to look after full time.

Being single is a fate worse than death, obviously

I would try not to go over when he has his son there . You are not a step parent and it doesn’t sound like you want to be one. Why should you ? Doesn’t sound fun at all !

It would certainly appear so!

This x1000. He wants you to put in the effort so he doesn't have to. Where is his concern for your health and well-being???

Just another single dad looking for a woman to bail him, out, sorry.

I'd move on.

Of course he was pushing for it, because then you will do what he sees as woman work while he stands there playing on his phone and having "a sneaky vape." Don't you see how you are being used and manipulated?

By your own admission he snapped you up within weeks of splitting up his prior relationship. He wanted a woman in his life to delegate to, and his pressuring of you to be more and more and more present with is son is just disgusting. So bad for the child, so disrespectful of you and so utterly lazy and self-centered on his part. Bin.

I take back my comment about not sleeping over and just go for an afternoon. I think you should end the relationship and not look back as the more you post the more red flags are showing and it's so sad to see you haven't noticed any of them (enough) to say STOP. Sure you are here posting but you are still questioning on how to fix this relationship with an abusive manipulative man rather than saying bye.

You will never be good enough for this man. You will never do enough for him or his child. You will always be wrong, you will always have to give more, and it will be your own children who suffer but all you will see is a poor wee mite aged four because he twists it that way. But your own children need you just as much right now, probably even more, emotionally and mentally, as they go through their teenage years. Let go and concentrate on you and yours, before your health explodes, your job disappears and you lose your house and your independence because he sure as hell won't support you. This is your future if you stay.

The more you post, the clearer it is that you need to wise up a bit about this man, assert some boundaries and stop allowing yourself to be manipulated.

Exactly. He gets laid regularly AND has successfully guilted her into relieving him of a significant chunk of parenting duties. All free of charge.

I’ve been thinking all day about whether it would be better to cut right back as some have suggested and maybe just go round for dinner on the Sunday, or as others have said to just remove myself completely.

I’d invited him round here for tea tonight with the three of us and was debating cancelling it to take some more time to think, but decided to go ahead with it and see how it went.

I really, really wish I was making this up, but this man is currently napping in my bed (after spending a grand total of 40 minutes with my DS2) because he didn’t sleep much and is too tired.

I’m so done.

I promise you, you will have so much more energy once you get rid of him. It's absolutely exhausting having to cater to a man baby's whims and demands, let alone childcare on top of that.

My ten year old is the same, suspected AuDHD and it's utterly exhausting to live with. I only cope because he's mine and I love him, I couldn't do it if the child was someone else's.