Guilt tripped over step children

[nigelanoodle]

Just as the title says really and I’m really struggling with the guilt tripping and comments, wether my partner is meaning to do it or not.

Back story- have been with partner for two years, he has two children from previous relationship ( ages 7 and 5 ) I have one child who is 13. We do not live together. He has a 50/50 set up for the children. We both have the same child free weekends ( EOW)

I adore his children, I give them lots of love, attention, we play, we have lots of laughs etc, they are lovely but can be ‘alot’ at times compared to other children their age. Or maybe I am just not used to looking after small children anymore and my patience and tolerance is less these days compared to when my own child was that age. Or maybe it’s because they aren’t my children? I don’t know…I ask myself these questions alot as I some times dread time spent with them because it’s so full on. And they don’t sleep very well on a night, so when we all have weekends together ( at my partners house as they have their own rooms there and so does my child) ( my house isn’t big enough) I sometimes feel exhausted by the end of it.

So….sometimes I want to stay at home on one of the nights that it is our weekend for our children and then see them the next day and do something nice together or just all be chilling out, cooking etc. I really really value my own space and my own ‘me time’ I also believe they need that quality one on one time with their dad, Just as I like to have my one on one time with my child.

But my partner is constantly doing the guilt tripping thing, if I say I’m going to stay at home on the Friday and see them all on the Saturday, it’s always an issue but he’ll do it in a way where he’ll twist things massively. He’ll say ‘well the kids haven’t seen you’ or ‘i thought you’d of just stayed here’ or he’ll say ‘ I think it’s just cos you wanna be at home in the peace you never really want to stay over when the kids are here’ or ‘they keep asking about you I think they miss you’

When I don’t give in and stick with what I want to do, I get the silent treatment or it will become the unnecessary huge issue that it doesn’t need to be over the next few days..

And it makes me feel like an awful person, but I have to remind myself that I am not their mother, they have one already, but I feel this pressure on me all the time from him which I don’t think is fair.

If I bring this up when it’s bothering me he’ll say things like he didn’t mean it like that when I know that he does and it just goes round in circles resulting in me feeling like I’m over thinking everything because he plays it all down when I bring it up to him. It’s just making me feel very confused.

I know there will be some people who say well you knew he had children. Yes I did, but I didn’t think that meant I had to be made to feel awful that I don’t want to spend the whole time with them when they are with him. And you never know what it’s going to be like when you are in a relationship with children involved until you are actually in it.

Anyway I don’t even know what I’m asking advice on here, I just needed to get it off my chest and out of my head.

Don't do it, you'll regret it if you move in with him.

It's generic advice and you run the risk of neighbours reporting you to social services if you leave you 13 year old alone every Friday night/Saturday day or whenever.

I do know kids who were left alone overnight from 14 but for reasons other than mum was over at bf house and the neighbours kept an eye on them. Under that age that had to stay with an adult.

They aren't your step kids. They're your boyfriends kids. He wants a nanny. You do what you want.

You can’t be planning to live with him surely?? I’d walk the contact right back on the weekends you have kids- say I need more focus on my child and yours are young and need lots of you, I don’t think this blending is going well and in particular you don’t take it at all well when I just want to hang out with my child so I need to take a step back. Really, you want me to prioritise your children over my child and I won’t be doing that.

Sounds like a huge red flag to me. He doesn't value your wants, he doesn't care that you have quality time alone with your child. Seems like he just wants you around his kids to make his life easier. I would not move in with him if I was you. People who guilt trip you for having reasonable boundaries aren't good to have serious relationships with, it will always be their needs above yours.

This post mirrors another from yesterday

OH thinks I should be doing more

different women but same expectations from a man towards their children. It’s healthy and important to have one to one time with your child when you have them on your weekend with them. Don’t feel guilted into spending an entire weekend with this man and his children. Put your child and you first

What does he do with your DD? What effort does he put in there?

I'll add to the chorus saying do not move in with him. Your DD should not have to get used to anything. She should have a safe home where she feels comfortable.

This man is an abusive user. He should be looking forward to quality time with his own kids on his own every weekend with a bit of interaction with you. This set up you have is completely inappropriate.

You are absolutely not selfish! Its super important for him to have time with his children alone.

This situation is so common and it may end up with you being resented by the kids for not allowing them to have time with their Dad, when in fact you are completely encouraging it!

Single dads get lonely - can be harder for them to do parent playdates etc as these often organised by mums - but its not our job to fix this for them.

My DP wanted us to have our kids (both 50-50) at the same times and together.

I tried it.

I felt very obliged at first to try the blended thing but there were many problems. DP's kids are challenging - no fault of their own - but when I mentioned this he would get defensive. One is very dominant and jealous and always sought to exclude me and my child. Another has ADHD and autism and honestly very hard work.

I began to feel that I had no rights and lot of responsibility. DP wanted a proxy wife/cosplay mum for company (they all do) but in no way was I permitted to talk about the kids the way a parent would. My child stopped enjoying his kids' company.

I rolled it right back. When mine started a new school and my exh job shifts changed, I was able to say oh sorry we have to have our kids on different days/weekends now. The test for DP was would he stay with me after this. He did to his credit.

He has tried very hard to make more dad friends and he has had some success with playdates, although sadly his kids don't play too well with others.

What's been great is none of this is my responsibility.

I honestly think that with single dad DPs you have to only put in what you get back. I wasn't able to set up home with DP because his exw relocated unilaterally and forced him to move if he wanted to see the kids. I didn't get much in the way of blended family advantage, like being able to share bills.
That to me means no wife duties.

So much of this on this board.

Girlfriends are not cosplay mums. Men who believe they want 50/50 must be left to do it alone for a couple of years. They must not be enabled to not pay the exw and then use a GF for free ‘mum’ work by guilting her into being there for not their own kids and disrupting the GF’s kids own lives.

If single dads can’t handle the 50/50 alone they need to give the kids back to mum in accordance with what they can handle, and support mum financially. One moves in with single dads - if ever - at the point when they have learned what they can do independently and crucially are willing to continue with it.

I’ve forced my DP to do it alone. He’s still with me. He’s a much better parent than when he was expecting me to share his responsibilities (which I put a stop to very quickly). We have no rights over other people’s kids, how they are raised, how they behave etc. We therefore have no responsibilities except to support a DP with kids just as we would a good friend or close relative. Nothing more.

I totally get this. I have the same problems at times with my partner. We live together and he has his kids every Tuesdays and every other weekend. If I want to do something alone he will say oh I thought you would have wanted to see the kids or will text the kids are asking when your back home. I have my own two children and he has never been very helpful with them but expects so much more from myself.

i have also thought an I a bad person for not wanting all this time with his kids , worse for me as my kids live with us but again they don't rely on him for anything.

I really feel sorry for you and feel like at times this is quite narcissistic behaviour from my partner. I try and keep everyone happy all the time and I think this is played on.

we are entitled to our own time however. And I need to take my own advice when I say this but stay strong and put your own needs first sometimes x

Well, yes she will if you put him first

But why would you?

Worst thing I done was move in together with kids. His kids now have backs my full responsibility and I do everything for them like my own two and my partner does minimal so jht make sure you set out house rules and set boundaries before anything. Don't end up like me x

This is what an abusive controlling relationship with a man who doesn't want to parent his own children looks like.

Why aren't you researching his awful behaviour rather than looking inwards to wrongly blame yourself?

You sound hugely vulnerable that you would allow a man give you the silent treatment because you want to be in your own home with your daughter.

I feel desperately sorry for your daughter who has this abusive man in her life treating her mum so poorly.

Call Womens aid if you need it spelt out to you.

He is a selfish, lazy, abusive man, looking for a woman to entertain his children, and then bullys and abuses you when you won't do exactly as he wants.

They are not your children. You are in their lives a short time and if you do the right thing by your daughter and yourself and dump his arse, you will never see them again.

They are not your responsibility, they are his.
Your daughter and her safety are your responsibility.....and you are risking it with this abusive man.

Is this really what you want to model to your daughter?
To allow men bully you and abuse you with the silent treatment?
To think they get to dictate how much time you spend with your own daughter and where??????

Unbelievable that you would tolerate this.
Focus on yourself and finding out why you have tolerated this bully for so long.

Focus on your own daughter and how vulnerable she is to the choices you making, and how bad men like him, destroy the childhoods of the children of women foolish enough to be involved with them.

Look at it this way. This is your weekend with your child. If you want to spend the weekend chilling with your child, of course you should! You don't have your child EOW so all the more reason to protect some downtime together just for you. Your DP gets you EOW anyway!

Why would you all need to live together? Would it benefit your child?

Never date a boyfriend who stonewalls. It's abusive.

I would frame it to him that it’s your weekend to have 1-1 time with your own child and he should do the same- maybe one day out together if you really want otherwise stick to just seeing him on your weekends off as I’m sure your child (teen) would love to be at home, this would be a deal breaker for me I’m afraid as well as his mother red flag behaviour that’s been highlighted by others

You don’t have to put up with this either! Put yourself first X

Have you tried replying ‘why do you think that? You’ve never done anything for my kids or said anything that sounds like you want to see them. I don’t mind that but I do mind the hypocrisy.’