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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Guilt tripped over step children

69 replies

nigelanoodle · 13/01/2025 19:23

Just as the title says really and I’m really struggling with the guilt tripping and comments, wether my partner is meaning to do it or not.

Back story- have been with partner for two years, he has two children from previous relationship ( ages 7 and 5 ) I have one child who is 13. We do not live together. He has a 50/50 set up for the children. We both have the same child free weekends ( EOW)

I adore his children, I give them lots of love, attention, we play, we have lots of laughs etc, they are lovely but can be ‘alot’ at times compared to other children their age. Or maybe I am just not used to looking after small children anymore and my patience and tolerance is less these days compared to when my own child was that age. Or maybe it’s because they aren’t my children? I don’t know…I ask myself these questions alot as I some times dread time spent with them because it’s so full on. And they don’t sleep very well on a night, so when we all have weekends together ( at my partners house as they have their own rooms there and so does my child) ( my house isn’t big enough) I sometimes feel exhausted by the end of it.

So….sometimes I want to stay at home on one of the nights that it is our weekend for our children and then see them the next day and do something nice together or just all be chilling out, cooking etc. I really really value my own space and my own ‘me time’ I also believe they need that quality one on one time with their dad, Just as I like to have my one on one time with my child.

But my partner is constantly doing the guilt tripping thing, if I say I’m going to stay at home on the Friday and see them all on the Saturday, it’s always an issue but he’ll do it in a way where he’ll twist things massively. He’ll say ‘well the kids haven’t seen you’ or ‘i thought you’d of just stayed here’ or he’ll say ‘ I think it’s just cos you wanna be at home in the peace you never really want to stay over when the kids are here’ or ‘they keep asking about you I think they miss you’

When I don’t give in and stick with what I want to do, I get the silent treatment or it will become the unnecessary huge issue that it doesn’t need to be over the next few days..

And it makes me feel like an awful person, but I have to remind myself that I am not their mother, they have one already, but I feel this pressure on me all the time from him which I don’t think is fair.

If I bring this up when it’s bothering me he’ll say things like he didn’t mean it like that when I know that he does and it just goes round in circles resulting in me feeling like I’m over thinking everything because he plays it all down when I bring it up to him. It’s just making me feel very confused.

I know there will be some people who say well you knew he had children. Yes I did, but I didn’t think that meant I had to be made to feel awful that I don’t want to spend the whole time with them when they are with him. And you never know what it’s going to be like when you are in a relationship with children involved until you are actually in it.

Anyway I don’t even know what I’m asking advice on here, I just needed to get it off my chest and out of my head.

OP posts:

MostlyHappyMummy · 13/01/2025 19:27

He clearly wants a nanny and thinks you should be grateful he's chosen you for the job
If you stop spending time with him when he has his kids he'll just move on to the next nanny-in-waiting

excelledyourself · 13/01/2025 19:36

I'd tell him he needs to stop banging on, or you're done.

That there is nothing at all wrong with you wanting time to yourself, or time for you and your child. That was is wrong, is his inability or reluctance to be alone with his children or put their need for quality one on one time first.

But I don't even know that I'd bother discussing it. You've tried. He's either really thick, really selfish, or really lazy, and I couldn't be bothered with any of it.

MummaMummaMumma · 13/01/2025 19:39

It's more weird that he doesn't want to spend one yo one time with his kids.
You're not being mean. You don't live together, so you're not one big family ATM.

TallNeckedGiraffe · 13/01/2025 19:41

You’re the nanny with the fanny.

Shinyandnew1 · 13/01/2025 19:42

I give them lots of love, attention, we play, we have lots of laughs

Does he do all that for your child as well?! Are you doing some of the parenting for him on those days?

It sounds exhausting-I would want to be at home with my own child.

Love51 · 13/01/2025 19:43

So your 13 year old is being taken to visit your boyfriend and his kids every weekend you have her or him? Mine would hate that! Can't you just see the boyfriend on the kid free weekends plus meet up for an activity once a month or something?

ShinyPrettyThings87 · 13/01/2025 19:44

As a child I'd have loved one on one time with my dad but he always insisted his new wife be with us, no matter what. I liked her, that wasn't an issue, but I'd have liked his full attention sometimes.

When he comes with the guilt tripping, just frame it as the kids should have time alone with him. He should want that quality time with them too, unless he does just want you to be the nanny. In which case, stand your ground either way. You're not happy with the current set up, he should respect you and your decision.

JenniferBooth · 13/01/2025 19:45

He thinks childcare is womans work. Even when the child isnt the womans child!

Reugny · 13/01/2025 19:51

You are not an awful person.

Put your own child first.

What would happen if your child refused to go to visit your bf and his children?

A 13/14/15 year old is well within their rights to refuse to go and they are big enough so you can't force them. As your child is under 16 you can't leave them alone over night.

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 13/01/2025 20:06

Your kid must find spending all your weekends with younger kids boring! Honestly talk to your child and see what they want to do. There’s an 8 year age gap between my daughter and her cousin and when visiting we have to often agree to do different things as he wants to see 12’s movies and do sports and activities my kid couldn’t keep up with so we do some stuff together but some separate. At that age getting a 13 year old to spend all the free time they have with their mum with a 5 &7 year old coming along changes the dynamic. Book some activities that are only suitable for 12+, tell your partner you need quality time with your kid to do age appropriate things!

Burntt · 13/01/2025 20:15

He is using you to entertain his kids.

Original poster

nigelanoodle · 13/01/2025 20:19

It’s not alllll of her weekend she’s with me that she’s around his kids, I completely understand where you’re coming from there and I do try to just plan things for me and her and see them later on etc. she’s always the one I put first and I know she’s got absolutely nothing in common with kids of that age. My worry is what happens if we do all live together at some point? She’ll just have to get used to it surely?

OP posts:

Tubetrain · 13/01/2025 20:21

Please tell me you're never going to move in with this creep who is clearly only with you for the childcare.....when does your child get time alone with you?

Redcandlescandal · 13/01/2025 21:17

Dear God, don’t move in with him!!! He will be off out and you’ll be stuck looking after his DC.

There is no reason for you to spend time with his children. Certainly not every weekend you have your own DD. That poor girl, I feel so sorry for her.

Wind it back to just dating. I bet he won’t want to because he wants a nanny, not a girlfriend.

SlipperyLizard · 13/01/2025 21:20

Why would you ever move in with him, when he already gives you the silent treatment for deciding to do what you want rather than entertain his kids?

Francine84 · 13/01/2025 21:26

The fact that he gives you the silent treatment when he doesn't get his own way is a big cause for concern. It's emotional abuse.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 13/01/2025 21:30

Oh god no don't move in with him. He just doesn't want to solo parent and wants to palm them off on you! This is overly simplistic probably but you're not tied to him, you don't need to get any deeper with him, he's shown you he's a manipulative shit (I cannot stand the silent treatment bullshit) so keep your distance. Put your foot absolutely down and do not be his free childcare.

colinshmolin · 13/01/2025 21:48

I would be clear A, you want quality one to one time with your dd and B, his kids need time with their dad.

My guess is they are hard work and he likes you helping with the parenting. Be firm and tell him to give up with the guilt trip and sulking (very unattractive)

Schoolchoicesucks · 13/01/2025 21:51

Do you stay at your home in the week when he has his kids? Am trying to figure out if he has his kids alone in his 50:50 time or if he's trying to guilt you into being there whenever he has the kids.

If it is "just" the weekends of EOW - so 2 nights out of 14 - then I do kind of get where he (and his kids) may be coming from - that isn't a massive amount of time to spend together. But if he is asking you to be there for 7 out of 14 days then that seems out of order.

That said, if you have EOW with your DC then I also think you should be able to spend some of that time with just your DC and not be expected to blend the families every weekend you spend with all the DC.

The silent treatment is out of order regardless.

If you had a pattern of 1st weekend a month all together blended, 3rd weekend each parent and their own DC would he accept it - is it the not knowing causing him to sulk?

Timeforsnacks · 13/01/2025 22:16

Never move in with anyone if they give you the silent treatment. How is that not a big enough turn off to break up with him on its own?! It's pathetic and abusive and you are really struggling and he doesn't care enough to stop 🚩

Shinyandnew1 · 13/01/2025 22:19

My worry is what happens if we do all live together at some point? She’ll just have to get used to it surely?

No, don't put your love life ahead of the happiness of your own child. Why should she have to 'get used' to annoying children and a man who gives out silent treatment when he doesn't get his own way?

TomatoSandwiches · 13/01/2025 22:22

You need to end it not think about moving in with him.

Good God.

How do you not sit there and do the whinny sound back at him with his Passive aggressive bullshite I don't know but the man is a shit dad and a shit boyfriend, get rid and move on.

Snorlaxo · 13/01/2025 22:27

I think that you should never move in with him. If you move in, the expectations he has now will intensify and you’ll have nowhere to retreat to. Even once the kids are old enough to not want family time, he’ll have you doing housework and other chores because he clearly sees you as a replacement mum to his kids and it’s ok to be the fun friend that they only see sometimes.

FigusCarica · 13/01/2025 22:41

It's really quite disturbing how he's pushing the theme that you should care for his children as your own, whatever the cost to you. He doesn't want the full responsibility of parenting and you are enabling him.
It's lovely that you care enough about his children to do all you do, but the setting is unhealthy.
His attitude is bad for his children, bad for your child and bad for you.
So many threads about this at the moment.

INeedAnotherName · 13/01/2025 22:41

When I don’t give in and stick with what I want to do, I get the silent treatment or it will become the unnecessary huge issue that it doesn’t need to be over the next few days..
That is what an abusive, controlling, manipulative person does. Do not stay in this relationship as his treatment of you will only get worse. Seriously, get out and don't go back even if he promises to change (they never actually change).

My worry is what happens if we do all live together at some point? She’ll just have to get used to it surely?
Why the fuck would you move YOUR child in with an abusive man. Are you that desperate you would sacrifice YOUR child's emotional and mental health? WAKE UP!

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