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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Guilt tripped over step children

69 replies

nigelanoodle · 13/01/2025 19:23

Just as the title says really and I’m really struggling with the guilt tripping and comments, wether my partner is meaning to do it or not.

Back story- have been with partner for two years, he has two children from previous relationship ( ages 7 and 5 ) I have one child who is 13. We do not live together. He has a 50/50 set up for the children. We both have the same child free weekends ( EOW)

I adore his children, I give them lots of love, attention, we play, we have lots of laughs etc, they are lovely but can be ‘alot’ at times compared to other children their age. Or maybe I am just not used to looking after small children anymore and my patience and tolerance is less these days compared to when my own child was that age. Or maybe it’s because they aren’t my children? I don’t know…I ask myself these questions alot as I some times dread time spent with them because it’s so full on. And they don’t sleep very well on a night, so when we all have weekends together ( at my partners house as they have their own rooms there and so does my child) ( my house isn’t big enough) I sometimes feel exhausted by the end of it.

So….sometimes I want to stay at home on one of the nights that it is our weekend for our children and then see them the next day and do something nice together or just all be chilling out, cooking etc. I really really value my own space and my own ‘me time’ I also believe they need that quality one on one time with their dad, Just as I like to have my one on one time with my child.

But my partner is constantly doing the guilt tripping thing, if I say I’m going to stay at home on the Friday and see them all on the Saturday, it’s always an issue but he’ll do it in a way where he’ll twist things massively. He’ll say ‘well the kids haven’t seen you’ or ‘i thought you’d of just stayed here’ or he’ll say ‘ I think it’s just cos you wanna be at home in the peace you never really want to stay over when the kids are here’ or ‘they keep asking about you I think they miss you’

When I don’t give in and stick with what I want to do, I get the silent treatment or it will become the unnecessary huge issue that it doesn’t need to be over the next few days..

And it makes me feel like an awful person, but I have to remind myself that I am not their mother, they have one already, but I feel this pressure on me all the time from him which I don’t think is fair.

If I bring this up when it’s bothering me he’ll say things like he didn’t mean it like that when I know that he does and it just goes round in circles resulting in me feeling like I’m over thinking everything because he plays it all down when I bring it up to him. It’s just making me feel very confused.

I know there will be some people who say well you knew he had children. Yes I did, but I didn’t think that meant I had to be made to feel awful that I don’t want to spend the whole time with them when they are with him. And you never know what it’s going to be like when you are in a relationship with children involved until you are actually in it.

Anyway I don’t even know what I’m asking advice on here, I just needed to get it off my chest and out of my head.

OP posts:
FigusCarica · 13/01/2025 22:57

Absolutely @INeedAnotherName

@nigelanoodle Now you're invested in and love his children, he's gotten you exactly were he wants you, he's able to use your good heart to guilt trip you into more babysitting duties, what a prince. All under the general idea of building a blended family and a future together I'm sure.
You don't even live together and he already owns you
AND
Why should your daughter 'have to get used to' the abusive behaviour and deplorable parenting of this man? Get her away him, he is the last thing a 13 year old girl needs.

WeightLoss2025 · 13/01/2025 22:59

nigelanoodle · 13/01/2025 20:19

It’s not alllll of her weekend she’s with me that she’s around his kids, I completely understand where you’re coming from there and I do try to just plan things for me and her and see them later on etc. she’s always the one I put first and I know she’s got absolutely nothing in common with kids of that age. My worry is what happens if we do all live together at some point? She’ll just have to get used to it surely?

Sorry, but this is awful. Your teenage daughter is being forced to spend her weekend with you, with your BF and his two small children? What 13 year old girl wants that? The answer is absolutely none.

And saying she'll just have to get used to it if you all live together? What an awful, awful things to say and way to think.

You need to get your priorities straight or you'll be another one on here in a year or two who 'blended' their family and is now wondering why the children are miserable and you're being taken advantage of.

Wake yourself up a little for Christ's sake.

WeightLoss2025 · 13/01/2025 23:03

And btw, they're not your step children... They're your boyfriend's children. And for the sake of your own child I would highly recommend keeping it that and not for a second think of moving your poor daughter into a house with this man and his children.

Honestly, the self-centred nature of some parents when it comes to putting their relationships ahead of their own children is absolutely mind boggling and infuriating.

FigusCarica · 13/01/2025 23:05

So many threads on here were women seek advice about SDC when the problem is the partner, not his kids.

RM2013 · 13/01/2025 23:34

You need time in your own home with your own child and not being made to feel guilty that you don’t want to spend all the time he has his DC with him. He needs to be spending quality time with DC without relying on you. Also the silent treatment is massively manipulative. He’s not a supportive partner at all sorry OP

Amybelle88 · 13/01/2025 23:51

What makes him think your child wants to spend his weekend with his mum with him and his gang, in a house that isn't theirs?! Does he not consider the fact that your child might want some time with you and to just chill in their own home and bedroom?

Another one after a nanny.

bluegreygreen · 14/01/2025 00:35

she’s always the one I put first

what happens if we do all live together at some point? She’ll just have to get used to it surely?

OP, please take things carefully and don't make any moves to progress the relationship until you are very sure.
The behaviour you have described is not good - it is very manipulative. It may be that behaviour that has you thinking in a way that is unclear - look at the totally different statements above regarding how you prioritise your daughter.

caringcarer · 14/01/2025 00:46

TallNeckedGiraffe · 13/01/2025 19:41

You’re the nanny with the fanny.

🤣🤣🤣

paranoiaofpufflings · 14/01/2025 00:56

You would be an absolute fool to move in with this man. He is waving his red flags right under your nose!

You know exactly how it will go if you all live together. You will become mother to all three. Your daughter will have to share you, not even share really because young kids take up all the attention. Your daughter will also be immersed into a noisy busy environment exactly at the time she needs to focus on secondary education. Your partner will have no need to guilt trip you about spent time with the kids, he can simply sit back, or go out, or take up a hobby.

This man gives you the silent treatment and gaslights you into questioning your actions - that's abusive. Raise your standards, set a better example to your daughter of how a partner should be treated.

MumonabikeE5 · 14/01/2025 01:23

Sounds like he doesn’t want to parent this kids solo.
but that’s not your issue.
your child deserves solo time with their parent (you)
I actually expected you to spend the weekends you don’t have kids together and the weekends you have your kids with your kids.
I think that’s a far more reasonable arrangement.
and maybe you can do that for at least half of them?
surely your partner will still want you even if you don’t parent his kids?

Flatandhappy · 14/01/2025 01:34

Yet another separated man who wants help with his kids, so much easier to find another woman than to actually do the parenting yourself. I can’t believe you are contemplating moving in with him, his behaviour when he doesn’t get his own way sounds awful. You need to think about what is best for your own child.

corvidconvo · 14/01/2025 01:52

It could be that he finds it easier with you around to help with his kids. Or it could be that he just enjoys things more when you're there. Either way, he shouldn't be guilt-tripping you over your very normal desire for some time alone with your own child, or indeed, time for yourself. They are not your children, and it's not surprising that you don't want to spend as much time with them as you would with your own child.

I would take this as a sign that it would be best not to fully blend your families at this time, if ever. You don't want to sacrifice your alone time, which is reasonable, but part of the reason for his irritating guilt-tripping behaviour may be that he's sensing that the relationship isn't headed the way he would like.

Newyearpug · 14/01/2025 02:05

He wants you there to do the grunt work of parenting
So he's guilting u in to being there ,no wonder your exhausted on their weekends.
How do you see this relationship progressing??
He has 50/50 care of his kids ,and he is going to want you to help every time they are over ,
What is the future of the relationship,if your never going to want to move in ,and get to the next stage ,he's going to be constantly pushing for you to have more contact with his kids ,and your going to be constantly trying to pull back .
I don't see this getting any easier for you op ...or working long term

AlpineSnow · 14/01/2025 02:08

It just sounds like he tries to bully and emotionally blackmail you to help look after his kids as he doesn't like being with them on his own. Why did he want them 50:50 if he can't cope without help? I doubt the kids keep asking where you are, unless you're much better to be with than he is.

CandlesAndCrystals · 14/01/2025 02:17

nigelanoodle · 13/01/2025 20:19

It’s not alllll of her weekend she’s with me that she’s around his kids, I completely understand where you’re coming from there and I do try to just plan things for me and her and see them later on etc. she’s always the one I put first and I know she’s got absolutely nothing in common with kids of that age. My worry is what happens if we do all live together at some point? She’ll just have to get used to it surely?

Why would you want to be anywhere near move in with a sulker? Don't you have any standards for choosing a partner and believe you should be respected?

AlpineSnow · 14/01/2025 02:21

paranoiaofpufflings · 14/01/2025 00:56

You would be an absolute fool to move in with this man. He is waving his red flags right under your nose!

You know exactly how it will go if you all live together. You will become mother to all three. Your daughter will have to share you, not even share really because young kids take up all the attention. Your daughter will also be immersed into a noisy busy environment exactly at the time she needs to focus on secondary education. Your partner will have no need to guilt trip you about spent time with the kids, he can simply sit back, or go out, or take up a hobby.

This man gives you the silent treatment and gaslights you into questioning your actions - that's abusive. Raise your standards, set a better example to your daughter of how a partner should be treated.

I agree with all this

FallenRaingel · 14/01/2025 02:27

Your poor child. Too many women prioritising useless men and their kids over their own.

Why should she have to get used to it? Will she be baby sitting them for you both so you can have quality time with your pathetic man child?

INeedAnotherName · 14/01/2025 16:40

AlpineSnow · 14/01/2025 02:08

It just sounds like he tries to bully and emotionally blackmail you to help look after his kids as he doesn't like being with them on his own. Why did he want them 50:50 if he can't cope without help? I doubt the kids keep asking where you are, unless you're much better to be with than he is.

Why did he want them 50:50 if he can't cope without help?
Money. He doesn't have to pay maintenance if it's 50/50. So if he can find an idiot woman to care for his children he's winning twice, once over the mother and again over the girlfriend. Such a prize 🙄

nightmarepickle2025 · 14/01/2025 16:45

He sounds horrible, the silent treatment is abusive, get out while you still can

MsAnnFrope · 14/01/2025 16:54

DH and I live together and share a DD and we still make sure he gets time alone with DSC when they are here because they deserve time with their Dad and as they are different ages to DD have different interests.
i love DSC dearly but DH doesn’t expect me to be their entertainment.
please don’t move in with him, as others have said silent treatment is abusive.

PierceMorgansChin · 14/01/2025 16:58

nigelanoodle · 13/01/2025 20:19

It’s not alllll of her weekend she’s with me that she’s around his kids, I completely understand where you’re coming from there and I do try to just plan things for me and her and see them later on etc. she’s always the one I put first and I know she’s got absolutely nothing in common with kids of that age. My worry is what happens if we do all live together at some point? She’ll just have to get used to it surely?

'She'll just have to get used to it"? Mother of the year, another one.

MeridianB · 14/01/2025 18:58

Sorry OP but this is nuts. I agree with everyone saying he is using you to lighten the load with his children.

Prioritise 1:1 time with your child whenever she is with you. Don’t go to his, He should be doing the same with his children. Date him when the children are with the other parents.

Better still, ditch him and if you must have a BF then find someone who is a much better dad and a much better partner.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/01/2025 19:08

Wow. 'If we do all live together at some point.'

What?

Why. Just why op.

Why would you want to live with a man who gives you the silent treatment (aka emotional abuse) because you want to take some time to yourself. Which you are ABSOLUTELY ENTITLED TO DO.

How can you not see this ginormous red flag waving?

And worse, YOU feel guilty for it!!? You what.

He is a controlling bellend. The only response the first time should have been 'no thanks, I like my peace. See you Sunday.' Any comeback from him should then have been met with 'this isn't going to work for me.'

Bob02 · 14/01/2025 19:11

TallNeckedGiraffe · 13/01/2025 19:41

You’re the nanny with the fanny.

Thus unfortunately

arethereanyleftatall · 14/01/2025 19:12

As your child is under 16 you can't leave them alone over night.

You can. There's no rule.