Providing child care for stepchildren

[Worried8263839]

I have 2 DSC aged 9 and 11, my DH’s children from his previous marriage. 50/50 custody split. I have been in their lives for over 5 years now. DH and I share a younger DS.

I’m curious to hear how it works in other blended families around providing childcare for DSC. My DH rarely goes out but when he does, I don’t ever seem to get asked if that’s ok from a perspective of caring for all 3 children. If it were just DS, I don’t think it would bother me but it’s the expectation that as I’m home anyway with our DS then I should by default care for DSC too.

I’ve been on MN for long enough to know I’ll likely get flamed for this and anticipate the comments of ‘you should care for them like you’re own’, ‘you knew what you were getting yourself in for’ etc. However, to that I would say no I didn’t. You can’t ever know what you are getting yourself into until you’ve fully experienced it! But largely I’m just looking for how it works in other families as I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or not!

As someone who has no stepchildren, i would expect husband to ask if you were ok to look after however many children if he had to go out, whether that be 1 or all 3.

I always think it's a bit sad about the whole step children/parent thing. If you are living together (even 50% of the time, or less for that matter) then you are a family. If you get together with a partner who has children who live with them at certain times then it's a family.

Having said that, I would always ask my DH (when our DCs were younger and not step children) if it was OK for him to stay in with the kids when I went out and he would always do the same with me. I don't think it's a step issue just respectful discussion.

My ex would say no to going because he had the kids I’d say it’s fine you go I’ll have them. I actually preferred having his kids when he wasn’t around because I could actually say no without a huge fucking argument.

plus at most, they went to bed at 9 so it was only ever 4 hours I’d have them

Absolutely this.

This question is really not about DSC, it's about him and you having the expectation that you are the default parent for the child you share. Get that sorted, and the same solution will work for DSC.

You are after all a team, aren't you ?

If he rarely goes out, and you only have them
50/50 it must be very rare that this happens. So surely it’s not a big deal? Guessing you are
pretty hands off with the step kids though.

Your DH should do you the courtesy of asking.
I also have 1DD and 2 (now adult) DSC. I would look after all of them - but would expect it to be asked for and arranged in advance. It certainly wasn't expected.

I have 2 step children who are now adults.

I was always asked first. It was always usually when the grandparents were not available to help.

It's just common courtesy to ask surely, regardless of how many children you're looking after. You might have married him, but they're not actually your children - he shouldn't assume you're just able to provide childcare for them, you might have other plans etc. He's the default parent for them on his time, not you.

My DH is the step parent. We have my two DDs and a shared DD. My DDs are here 85% of the time. My DH parents as I do, he treats them equal, we are equal. If I am going out I ask him if it's ok or if he has any issue, but I never specifically say 'are you ok to look after DD1 and DD2 as well as DD3?' It's presumed if I am out that's the case. He married me knowing I came as a three and we're one family. That said I wouldn't take the piss and go out all the time, but that would be the same regardless of the kids were mine/ours/his.

My partner would tell me he was going out but wouldn't specifically ask me to have the kids. We're a family and if one of us has plans when we have the children (he has 2, I have 1 - both 50/50) then of course we'd look after the children

No step children here but I would always check with DH if I'm planning on going out, not specifically 'can you look after the kids' but just a general 'is it ok with you if I'm out on Thursday / whatever night'. He does the same with me.
I do find it odd though that although you've been in their lives for such a long time, since the littlest was 4 years old, that you seem to make a distinction between looking after your biological DC and your step children. Not judging, but I'd just assume I'd be looking after all of them, or that DH would.

I would expect for him to check it's OK, purely from a courtesy point of view if nothing else. They're not your children, they are his.

No he shouldnt be doing this, you should not be taken for granted as they are his responsibility not yours. Nothing at all do do with how you feel about them imo.
my adult daughter lives with me and my 2 younger children. does she love them, yes of course she does, but should i leave her with children she is not responsible for so that i can go out to a hobby, socialise, or work,without it being an emergency? No because they are my responsibility not hers.

My DH would ask me if it was okay if he needed me to, but generally if he's not going to be here, he'd ask their mum if she would have them - she would prefer that as she hates me and pretty sure they'd also prefer to be with their mum than me.

It's not a case of me already being "here" with our DS as they are completely different ages and sometimes I am busy doing other things. They are also the world's most fussiest eaters so generally don't cook for them, DH does as I'm not faffing making several different dinners and pandering the way he does - so there is an impact.

My own DC are adults now but when they were younger they'd generally stay with their dad if I wasn't going to be here, in the same way, so it's not one rule for one and one for the other.

I have 3 children with me 90% of the time and dh has 1 child with us every other weekend and an extra few nights in the school holidays. Neither of us go out if we have our respective children. There is the odd occasion where I may have hospital appointments and I ask dh to pick my children up from school if I don't have anybody else to help. But for the main part I take care of my kids and he does his child.

Sure I would look after them!
I have two stepsons and one lived with us full time. He didn't need 'looking after' as he was a tween when he moved in, but if he needed a lift or whatever or dinner cooking of course I did it. My husband was out 7am to 8pm. I would take my other stepson back to boarding school if his mother couldn't. I had two little ones but I was the de facto parent when the boys were in our house.

Thanks for all your replies.

Just for context, I do the lions share of the childcare already. I do school drop off and pick up every day, cook them dinner etc ready for when DH gets home from work. I think that's probably why I begrudge it a bit more that it's just expected now and assumed I will do it.

For some comments that I see them differently to my own DC. I'm afraid I do. This is always divisive on MN as some will claim to love their DSC the exact same as their own. Whilst I provide the same level of care, I do not and should not be expected to hold the same level of responsibility. Nor can I claim to love them the exact same so I do see a difference, which I know some will think is awful. I love them but it can never be the same as love for your own imo.

He's taking you for granted and seeing you as the default person responsible for the DCs - that's what needs sorted. He should be asking for your own DC & not just the DSC.

I'd be very resentful too Op as he's totally out of order.

How do you do school drop off and pick up every day when in your earlier post you said you only have them 50/50?

I thought it was pretty obvious she meant on the days they have them

I think whether step or bio children one parent should always check with the other that they're free and happy to do the bedtime routine alone that night before making plans to go out alone.

Ps surely you could do the same and 'just assume' on the nights when he actually has his kids he'll want to spend time with them so you can make plans to go out on those nights

But it's inaccurate to say she does it all every day.

Just like he rarely goes out....Well if he rarely goes out and they are only with you 50/50 anyway then surely we are talking once in a blue moon. Not seeing the issue for something that happens so rarely.

Ps as a bio mum I would it infuriating if my ex fought for 50/50 then got his new wife to do all of the grunt work and didn't actually spend that time that he had taken my child away from me with my child.

I'd expect to be asked, and would find the assumption cheeky and controlling. But then DH and I only have DC with each other and we still always check the other is fine to cover when making solo plans. Just posting this in case of any 'care for them like your own' posts- for some of us this is what we do for our own!