Providing child care for stepchildren

[Worried8263839]

I have 2 DSC aged 9 and 11, my DH’s children from his previous marriage. 50/50 custody split. I have been in their lives for over 5 years now. DH and I share a younger DS.

I’m curious to hear how it works in other blended families around providing childcare for DSC. My DH rarely goes out but when he does, I don’t ever seem to get asked if that’s ok from a perspective of caring for all 3 children. If it were just DS, I don’t think it would bother me but it’s the expectation that as I’m home anyway with our DS then I should by default care for DSC too.

I’ve been on MN for long enough to know I’ll likely get flamed for this and anticipate the comments of ‘you should care for them like you’re own’, ‘you knew what you were getting yourself in for’ etc. However, to that I would say no I didn’t. You can’t ever know what you are getting yourself into until you’ve fully experienced it! But largely I’m just looking for how it works in other families as I’m not sure if I’m being unfair or not!

I agree with this. 50/50 so another woman can be the one who actually sees them? That would be very upsetting.

In our case, there was no fighting for 50/50, mum was very much happy with that arrangement. St no point have I said he doesn't spend that time with them, just his working hours, like most parents

What do you say to him when you go on a night out? Do you ask him to mind his own dc with you?

It’s not inaccurate, she’s made it clear they have the kids 50/50 so it means on all the days they have them.

I disagree. It was worded in the subsequent post to give the impression it was more than what it is in reality.

I'm not the only poster who thought this.

Apologies for my inaccuracy, I did of course mean every day they are with us

You are 100% being taken for granted if you are doing the majority of the grunt work.

Its no accident that you do, its a common theme on MN.

There is a reason so many women do not get involved with men with children or if they do are very firm on boundaries.

You are unpaid childcare.
Only you can change this.

Do you really wantbto remain in the relationship?

So often 50/50 arises when a mug has been recruited for free childcare.

This isn't about dsc it's about dps (let's face it, men) asking if it's ok to go out on a set date out of courtesy rather than seeking permission per se, I'd never say no but running it past me in case there's something else on they have forgotten (and works in reverse too) makes sense in a relationship

It sounds like he's shirking most of his parenting on to you.

I have a stepchild and my DH wanted 50:50 so he could actually parent. I've only ever done the school run/child care in an emergency. He plans his nights out when his daughter is with her mum as he likes spending time with her and their chats on the drive to and from school.

No wonder you're feeling resentful!

OP, you have been so used.
The difference between one and three children is huge.
How convenient he has you to carry it all.
You will sorely regret allowing yourself to be used like this.

Next time he says "I'm out on Wed night." you could try responding with "But that's your contact time with DC1&2, why don't you go out Thursday instead?"

And if he says "Bill is only here on Wed, so it needs to be then" or similar.

You can say "so have you asked your ex wife if she wants to swap Wed and Thur this week, so you can spend your contact time with your kids?"

He'll obviously say no and probably start being arsy with you. But you need to ask "why not?".

Remind him that his contact time is for HIM to have contact with HIS DC, you'll have already seen them before school and after school and probably helped with their homework and washed their school uniform etc, all you're asking him to do is physically be there to spend time with them in the evening.

He has half the week every week to go out and do as he pleases, if he goes out when it's his contact time, he should always give his ex first right of refusal for extra time with them, she may really want that and (no offence to you) but the kids probably want to spend time with their actual parents too.

If he has to think about contacting his ex every time he goes out on a contact night, I bet he'll start arranging things on his non contact nights instead because it's easier than admitting he's pushing their care onto you 🤷‍♀️

My exH does tend to just assume his girlfriend will pick up childcare duties (and all the housework apparently, some things never change! ) She has 2 DC of her own, and I think she's a wonderful Mum, so feel very lucky for my 2 DC. But I do think he assumes and takes her for granted, but it's not my place to say.

If I need DH to watch DDs, I always ask. He always says yes and tells me I don't have to ask, but it's just courteous. I'd feel like a real CF if I didn't. As much as we all refer to them as "our girls", and as much as all four of us love them, the ultimate responsibilty for them rests on exH and I.

If she’s a sahm I’m not surprised she does the school run! Sahms are usually fully funded by their dhs. The only times I think they shouldn’t do the school run are where it’s really onerous due to the other parents choices or location or if op has an ill child of her own or a small baby, or it’s incompatible with getting her own child to school.

Exactly. OP shouldn't even have to say this. He should want to spend time with his children as he doesn't have them full time.

So he wouldn't be able to do the childcare without you? Other working parents tend to adjust their hours or pay for childcare.

The school drop offs and dinner etc are always done by his ex and you. Perhaps his ex thought once they split, he'd have to do it, but he's got you to do it for him.

I think you should do this. No parent who only has their child 50% should be happily lessening their time with them. He should be trying to maximise his evenings at home on days his dc are here.

Depends on the kids. Once I babysat both DP’s and one did go to bed nicely and the other one at 10pm was lying on the stairs refusing to move saying ‘I don’t want to go to bed you can’t make me you’re not my mum’ while I ignored him and read my book having once or thrice reminded him the adult attention window had shut 1.5 hours ago. So I don’t babysit that one anymore and shall not until his real parents have fixed him. Still never goes to bed without hours of dramatics (even for that poor woman who is his mum). I will do the other as long as I’m asked enough in advance and usually it’s a sleepover with my child so I guess isn’t really babysitting as DP still has to have stair crustacean. If both kids were biddable I’d do it but very much as a favour granted not as a default. We are not nannies. I think nannies get £45k a year or so and paid holiday and pensions and cars.

If she’s a sahm I’m not surprised she does the school run! Sahms are usually fully funded by their dhs. The only times I think they shouldn’t do the school run are where it’s really onerous due to the other parents choices or location or if op has an ill child of her own or a small baby, or it’s incompatible with getting her own child to school.
@Codlingmoths

This is epic bullshit. I am a SAHM. I am not "fully funded by my DH." We are a financial partnership and I am working taking care of our kids while he is at the office. I can't stand women who talk this kind of shit. Because I'm not employed outside the home right now I should accept whatever tasks my DH says I should do, but if I was outside the home and relying on poorly-paid nursery staff to do my childcare for me that's fine and dandy and I'm allowed to be an adult with a say too?
Fuck that.
And that's with my OWN kids.

Hang on. I do not think sahms should do everything nor do I think they should do everything their dh says. For the one task that is the school run that sits 100% within standard working hours so it mostly can’t be done while also working standard working hours, then the one who isn’t at work should do it unless they have reasons like I state above. Men with sahm wives should come home and cook dinner, parent their children, do housework, I believe the work should be shared fairly, but I also think that nearly always means that the one not working does the single specific job that every parent of a school age child has that sits at specific times that fall within working hours that’s the school run? Better? (I realise as typing this that im assuming the working parent works out of the home.)
we do enormous juggling of work hours between by dh and i to do the school run. If one of us isn’t working one day for some reason that’s not illness, they do the school run so the other can work a normal day. I can’t imagine thinking anything else.

Wow I totally understand how you feel because I felt it too. 5 years ago I ‘consciously quit’ and it was the best thing I ever did. My DP had two young children when I met him, they spend 40% of their time with us. Once we moved in together, I somehow just ‘defaulted’ into being the one washing all their clothes and bedding, making their lunchboxes, making dinner for them every night etc as my DP was pretty useless at it. Then we had our own baby together a couple of years later and I realised as I held my own baby every day that I didn’t “love them like they were my own” at all, I couldn’t (and didn’t want) to do all their care and admin. My DP was a shift worker and so I was long hours on my own with a newborn in the lockdown. I reached a point where I decided I wasn’t going to do it anymore, so I left him to work out what they needed in their lunchboxes, let him crack on with all their washing, made my own plans when they were over so he had to use his initiative etc. It took a couple of times for the message to sink in and I never looked back - I do cook for all of us as a family (as our little one is now 5). But if he’s not going to be around and they need picking up or looking after, he always asks me first, with the option that it’s no problem if I can’t/say no as he’ll sort alternative arrangements. I have no automatic responsibility for looking after them, ferrying them anywhere, or paying for any of their stuff. My partner picks up all their ‘admin’ type tasks and I just step in when I want to or if he genuinely needs a hand. I get to focus on our youngest which is lush, and DP has never been closer to his older two. Also sorted out his false incompetence. The dynamic works really well for us as a family as it protects my sanity, I have a great ‘non parental’ relationship with them, DP has an excellent relationship with them, I enjoy time with them now because I get to focus the bulk of my energy on our little one and my work/interests. Highly recommend setting some boundaries on what you are and aren’t available for - it’ll feel awkward at first but then will just become normal. Good luck - being a step parent is hard x

OMG yes you have to let people fail in order for them to work out how to succeed.