Relationship progression/guilt/fear

[Indecisionindecisive]

Hi, I hope it's okay to post in here...thought it was the best place to get advice on progressing my relationship with my partner and my teenage children.

DP and I have been together for a little over a year, although we've been close friends for a few years.
My children never met DP before we got together as a couple.

Having both been married before and since divorced, we both feel like this relationship is 'it' for us; I'm civil with my DP's ex and both she and my DP have admitted that communication wasn't what it should have been throughout the relationship, both hid their true feelings rather than risk discussing issues and upsetting each other, so just pretended 'everything was fine' the whole time.

For myself, my ex was a big drinker and the drinking crept up from what I saw as normal levels, to more and more until he was drinking every night.
This caused a lot of arguments and he was generally withdrawn, never really got on with my children (they aren't biologically his) - he wasn't nasty to my children but emotionally unavailable, I guess. To all of us. At the end we were arguing almost daily and I finally realised (much too late!) that I had to end it.

So. It's been a few years since all that happened and my children are now all teenagers (14, 16 and 18).
As I said, myself and DP have been together for 13 months officially, but we seeing each other more casually for a few months prior.

We see each other two lunchtimes a week while my children are at school/college and I try and see him at the weekend for an hour or two, usually I'll go for a bite to eat with him after I do the weekly shop then come home again.

Very occasionally we go out to the cinema - maybe once a month or so, and he has been round to my house in the evening while my children are here about 2 or 3 times, I think. He's also seen them and said hi once when he's picked me up for the cinema, the rest of the time they obviously know where I am and that I'm seeing him etc.

I'm now stuck.

I'm torn between really wanting to progress the relationship properly (moving in together over the next couple of years, getting married in the future etc and he says the same. He'd also quite like a baby but I'm 42 and thought I was done with babies so that's still under discussion) And being so scared to mess my children's lives up, basically.

I feel awful that I stayed in my toxic marriage for so long and whilst I can see that my new DP is so, so different in every way to my ex, I'm worried about my children having to get used to another stranger and have someone in their lives that may be good for them, but don't necessarily want.

If I didn't have children I would move in with DP now, without a shadow of a doubt.
But I feel guilty even going out in the evening with DP and leaving my children alone for just a few hours; I suppose because I feel like they think I'm prioritising 'a man' over being with them.

I know it's only been a little over a year, but next Christmas it will have been two years we've been together officially (2.5 if you include the part before we told anyone) and I feel like by then, we should be seeing each other a bit more consistently and he should be around my children a bit more. However, I know that if I carry on as I am, we'll be in exactly the same situation as I'm too afraid to take that first step to seeing him more or involving him in our lives more.

I haven't had him round here in the evening since the summer as I'm so paralysed with fear of upsetting my children and I can't imagine having him stay over as I'm embarrassed that it means they'll know I'm sleeping with someone if he stays overnight.

I feel like I'm overthinking this all so much and am pushing my feelings of wanting to progress down, because I'm so scared of harming my children any more than I might have already by staying in my marriage.

So. Aside from therapy, which I am actually going to do again to try and reframe my thinking, how can I comfortably progress my relationship without worrying about my children feeling pushed out?

Any real life examples of how others progressed their relationship, how often they saw their partners in the first year or two etc, would be really helpful!

In case it's relevant; I have ADHD and generalised anxiety disorder, plus a lot of childhood trauma and am tend to get stuck in these anxiety loops/indecision paralysis with a lot of big decisions in my life.
So this so nothing to do with my DP or doubts about him, and everything about me and not wanting to damage my children further.

Have you spoken to your children about this? I think they are old enough to know that you have met someone you like and that he's your boyfriend. I don't think it's unreasonable to introduce him as such and for him to start coming to the house, perhaps some low key stuff at first, coming over for a casual meal or to watch film or play a board game etc.

They are old enough to expect them to be polite to a guest, even if they don't love the idea at first. Don't make it a big deal, just say that X is going to come for dinner after work one day and see how it goes.

Take it slow, no big PDA at first and make sure you have some 1:1 time with each of them before and after they can talk to you in private if they're feeling unsettled by this. Even just a shared car journey or a 10 min lunch break, just an opportunity to ask how they feel.

I don't think he should move in until your youngest has finished GCSEs though.

Thanks, yes my youngest will finish GCSEs in a couple of years time so that's what I was thinking.

I have subtly asked my children what they think of .w being with him and the older too said they're fine with him, encourage me to go out with him more etc., the youngest said "it's weird having a stranger here" so since then I haven't invited DP around.

In theory I know everything you've said makes sense, it's just putting into practice I struggle with!

It will be weird because it's new but there's only one way to change that! They don't have to be best mates with him, just polite. Let them plan a favorite meal or chose the desert so they feel like they have some control.

Your youngest is 14, is there any reason you can't continue to date your DP and put off any plans to move in together until the youngest goes to uni?

And presumably they're all of doing their own teenage things so why the need to involved them at all? They're all too old now for big introductions and asking them to have dinner and play board games with your new boyfriend. Just continue dating, maybe staying over at his house (presumably in a year or so they will all be happy to be left on the occasional night?) I think you're over thinking things to be honest x

Let them plan a favourite meal? Choose dessert? They're teenagers! The youngest is 14, not 4 years old! 😅

My first thought is have you spoken to your children have you asked them?

more to the point you need to do more include them all together your partner and your children he needs to come round more while they are there etc etc you aren’t going to progress if you only fit him in while your bf your children are at college. How do you even relax living the way you do. I loved going out with my daughters dad but my god a night on the sofa an waking up to him with a cup of tea and a cuddle the next morning were the best bits! You need to think or you also and communicate with your children and ask them but yes do more involve your children more if they’d like to take part in a day out an evening playing games watching a film going for food! You won’t know until you all try and be a “
family”

Your kids are now teenagers. You're allowed to have a bit of a life just as I'm sure they do with their friends, hobbies etc.

I would make a decision on the baby first before progressing any further. No point moving forward if you both want different things. You've been a parent for over 18 years and your kids are now at the stage where you can regain some independence. Do you really want to start all over again with nappies, sleepless nights and school runs? 4 decades of your life in the thick of parenting?

They're teenagers @purpleblue2 How interested do you think they'll be in playing boardgames with their mothers new boyfriend? I know any teenager I know would absolutely loathe it.

They know Shes seeing someone, invite him round if you like, but don't make a big deal if it or expect them to play happy families, they're way too old for that imo. It's not like you'll be a blended family when your children are that old, they're all nearly adults.

Can you stay at your BFs house occasionally? Your youngest has already expressed that Shes uncomfortable with a stranger in the house so for the sake of a few years, just keep dating the way you are.

Oh no I got that but some teenagers do like stuff like that and I wasn’t really one of them 😂. My mum never allowed us to dictate to her what she did and she didn’t do but she did do the whole dating outside the home thing for a long time and then at the age of 12 I had a wonderful man who I still value a lot before stepdad and they gave me my one and only brother. Id never feel right telling my mum what she can and cannot do and my mum listened and supported me through everything but there’s no way I’d of stood in the way of her happiness. I just don’t think it’s completely right to allow children to do that if there’s no safeguarding risks.

You are talking about progressing your relationship, you've kept it very low key because of the children, but is it possible that this suits your partner very well? He's been happy with a couple of lunchtimes and a few hours a week, which is unusual for a couple that say they want to live together and maybe have a child.

I just don’t see that the two of you are at the same stage. You are coming out of full time parenting and he fantasizes about starting with a baby. Thats fine but irrational given your age and situation.

@purpleblue2 well, I don't think anyone can know for sure that there are no safeguarding risks, she's only been dating him romantically for a year. But that's besides the point, I'm sure OP is wary of all of that.

I come from a different background, where partners were introduced when I was a teen by both parents and it really tainted my relationship with them. They could have waited til I left for college, it wasn't that long to wait and I've never forgiven them. It wasn't that a terrible time and not something I would ever do to my own DC.

It's not about allowing the children to stand in the way of her happiness, it's about respecting the fact that this is their home, their safe space, they only have a few years left at home anyway so what's the rush? Invite him round, keep it casual, stay at his house. I'm sure they'll respect them both a lot more for not making them uncomfortable in their own home. They've already had one arsehole 'step father' by the sounds of things, don't go making another mistake.

That is of course, unless OP is set in having another child, which to me would be bunkers when she is practically out of the woods. That would change things enormously, probably for the worse for the children tbf.

Hi, thanks for the replies :)

I'll try and answer the questions/points I remember... My boyfriend wants to progress things. He's very much wanting to be, in his words "part of the family". We've talked and he understand he'll never be a father figure or anything like that but he's made it very clear that he'd move in now if he could and he's always asking to see me more, I'm the one taking it slow.

However, when I tell him I can only give him what I'm giving him, he completely understands and doesn't push it. This is what I mean about feeling so supported...I've never known a man be so - normal, I guess. Supportive and understanding, communicate and clear about his feelings but when I say I need more time, he gives it. I've not had the best track record when it comes to men!

The child thing - it came about because I know he's always wanted children and I mentioned that as I'm getting older now, I won't be fertile much longer (if I am at all now!) and that he should think about whether having a child is a deal breaker or not.
I'd feel guilty robbing him of that chance... Anyway he basically said that he wants me, whether that's with a baby or our own or not and and he's sure that he won't feel 'robbed' if we didn't have one. I'm almost 100% sure I don't want to go through child rearing again now that I'm almost able to get my 'freedom' back a bit more, and he says hes fine with my decision.

My children - they're homebodies. They go out occasionally with friends but they do like to come home. My daughter for example, goes on sleepovers but then comes home the next day saying how much she missed her own bed.
We go out more as a family than they go out on their own, to be honest.

We're all ND (autism and adhd), so maybe that accounts for some of our preferences towards being at home rather than going out.

Anyway. My boyfriend is adamant that he's happy to take everything at my pace, as long as he gets to be with me and "see you sometimes", I just feel bad as I don't feel like we're progressing at a 'normal' pace and as I've said, even going out with him in the evening fills me with guilt!

Actually this is one thing I was unsure about - my children spend a fair bit of time in their rooms gaming with friends or doing homework in the evenings, popping down occasionally to get a drink or sit with me for a while.

I've thought about inviting my boyfriend round for a few hours in the evening but always feel a bit weird about having a stranger in their home, even though realistically they'd probably spend the entire evening in their room whether he's here or not.
But equally, trying to get them to play board games or watch a film with us feels a bit 'enforced fun' and none of us are fans of that!

When he's been round in the evening a couple of time before, I've just said to the kids "X is popping round for a couple of hours, you can still come down like normal if you want to" and they've mostly chosen not to come down, apart from to grab a snack or something.
My youngest son and my middle daughter did pop in and out of the room we were in a few times, said something to me (asked a question) and my daughter said a quick hi to my boyfriend before disappearing, my son pretty much ignored him and rattled away to me but he's 14 with ADHD so it wasnt rudeness, just being hyper I think!).
I couldn't work out whether they were popping in because they were curious or because they were jealous or wanting my attention, though.

@Indecisionindecisive look, youve nearly reared your children at this stage, they're 14 years and up, you have no need to feel guilty for going out in the evenings. Surely with 3 of them that are homebodies, they're rarely on their own if you're not there anyway. Go out, have fun, stay at your BFs.

He sounds like a good guy, and I hope you'll both be super happy. Only red flag for me personally would be him saying he wanted to be 'part of the family' (🤢), and saying he would move in now if he could, that would personally make me very wary of anyone to be honest. It's a bit weird after 12months. What's his own family/housing situation?

With a ND house, there's also other things to consider I'm sure. ND people can sometimes be introverted, not like people in their space, not like their routine and sense of normal shaken... I'm sure you know all of your family's specific quirks and needs. Introducing a new person into this could be a lot trickier.

Take it easy, continue to have fun, invite him round for evenings, go out on dates, stay at his house instead of yours. It sounds like he's in it for the long haul so no need to potentially damage your relationship with your kids for the sake of a couple of years, it doesn't sound like he's going anywhere and is happy with the level of commitment you can offer right now.

Hope you'll all be really happy x

@Indecisionindecisive I wouldn't overthink the popping in unless you got a vibe of discomfort from them. They were probably a little curious which is a good thing! And maybe they also just wanted a snack 😅 Just keep the communication open with them so you can gauge any discomfort/jealousy/ill feeling.

@2025HereICome well being ND myself (autism), gauging the difference between curiosity and jealousy, or "I'm fine" and "I'm not fine but pretending I am" isnt easy for me; which is partly why I err on the side of caution
And I also struggle with having people in my space which includes my boyfriend but I'm sure we'll manage somehow!

We've known each other a long time as friends but my children never met him prior to us dating, so that's why he's feeling so strongly, I think. Very long story but I'm sure he isn't love bombing.

Thank you so much for all your advice :) and to everyone else

My DSSs were 13 and 14 when I met them. My DH told them about me and told them they could meet me when they were ready. I met them both separately as they were ready at different times. The 13yo was excited to meet me straight away. It was nothing too formal. I just popped round to DHs house, we ordered some pizza, chatted for a bit then he scurried off to his bedroom. Similar situation with my older DSS. I've never tried to force any kind of relationship with them. Always just been around while they're usually in their rooms or out with friends. DH ensured he spent time with the kids without me being there, took them go-karting etc. So they didn't feel like I was taking all their dads attention.

We're now 4 years down the line. I get on well with both of them. DSS lives with us full time so I've had a bit more involvement in his life. DH has always taken the lead with discipline etc but I've help write CVs, sort car insurance, shown him how to work the washing machine and cook simple meals.

It's natural to worry about your kids wellbeing but you need to put yourself first sometimes as well. Nobody likes change but they adapt and everyone is a stranger until you get to know them. I also think it's good for kids to see what a healthy relationship looks like, especially when they have witnessed unhealthy ones before. A step parent can be a positive. An extra person for support or just to chat to.

Thanks, that's really helpful.

I had a stepdad myself and literally all I remember from that time was my mum kicking my dad out (bin bags full off his stuff in the living room and her screaming, me and my sister crying) and then at an unspecified amount of time later, he was at our house. I don't remember the beginning of their relationship, I was 6 when my parents split apparently so maybe that's why.

Anyway - he was essentially my dad. I did see my bio dad at weekends but my stepdad treated me and my sister exactly the same as he did my half brothers that were subsequently born, so I really do get that a step parent can be a positive in a child's life :)

It's timings I'm not sure about - seeing him once a week at my house for example seems too much as then that's every week my children have to have stranger in their home, but if it's not weekly it doesn't feel like the relationship can really progress, as the children don't see him often enough, if you see what I mean? It all feels very complicated!

If he's at your house once a week it won't be long until he's no longer a stranger. Would you tie yourself up in knots the same way if you were having a girl friend round for a glass of wine?

You need to trust yourself that you wouldn't bring anyone unsafe into your kids home and drop the guilt about allowing yourself to have a companion round to your own home. If you're hesitant your kids will pick up on it and wonder why you're so hesitant. Be confident in your choice and your decision to have him in your life and your kids will have no choice but to accept him and may even be happy for you.

Agree with some of what @Illpickthatup has said, except for this: 'your kids will have no choice but to accept him'.

This is such an awful way of thinking, and this is where resentment comes from in these situations. Too many parents force new partners on their children and it ends in disastrous consequences.

Keep it casual, keep checking in with your kids. If they're not happy having him in their home, it won't be long until they have flown the nest anyway.

I think you may be focusing on involving your children a bit too much, do you see it as if your children aren't involved that means your relationship hasn't progressed? Again, they're too old for this, if they don't want to be involved, that's fine and should be completely their choice. You've managed a relationship for 12months without them being overly involved already. Another few years won't make a difference if your partner is the right person for you.

I worded it wrong. I should have said they will be more open to accepting him because their mum is confident in him being part of her life. If she's hesitant or asking the kids opinion they'll get the impression that she's not sure about him and why would they be accepting of someone their mum isn't sure of.

Again, I'll disagree a bit here @Illpickthatup

Mum should be confident, definitely. But she should also ask their opinion. They're nearly adults and should have their voices heard when it comes to who is spending lots of time in their home.

If some random person you didn't like started spending copious amounts of time in your home, how would you feel?

Children's opinions matter, I think some parents in the throes of romantic relationships can forget/ignore this.

If my parents listened to my opinion when I was a child they would have gotten rid of my 3 brothers! Haha!

OP isn't talking about moving him in, she's talking about having him come over once a week or so. How are the kids able to make an informed decision about someone they don't know? I get that they may be a bit hesitant given the last guy was an asshole and it will take time for them to build trust with the new guy but won't happen unless OH starts seeing him more regularly.

OP says the older 2 are fine about their mum dating him and only the youngest thinks it's weird. Maybe the younger one is worried that they'll lose time with their mum and just needs a bit of reassurance. She should speak to them about their concerns rather than just stopping him coming round altogether.