Relationship progression/guilt/fear

[Indecisionindecisive]

Hi, I hope it's okay to post in here...thought it was the best place to get advice on progressing my relationship with my partner and my teenage children.

DP and I have been together for a little over a year, although we've been close friends for a few years.
My children never met DP before we got together as a couple.

Having both been married before and since divorced, we both feel like this relationship is 'it' for us; I'm civil with my DP's ex and both she and my DP have admitted that communication wasn't what it should have been throughout the relationship, both hid their true feelings rather than risk discussing issues and upsetting each other, so just pretended 'everything was fine' the whole time.

For myself, my ex was a big drinker and the drinking crept up from what I saw as normal levels, to more and more until he was drinking every night.
This caused a lot of arguments and he was generally withdrawn, never really got on with my children (they aren't biologically his) - he wasn't nasty to my children but emotionally unavailable, I guess. To all of us. At the end we were arguing almost daily and I finally realised (much too late!) that I had to end it.

So. It's been a few years since all that happened and my children are now all teenagers (14, 16 and 18).
As I said, myself and DP have been together for 13 months officially, but we seeing each other more casually for a few months prior.

We see each other two lunchtimes a week while my children are at school/college and I try and see him at the weekend for an hour or two, usually I'll go for a bite to eat with him after I do the weekly shop then come home again.

Very occasionally we go out to the cinema - maybe once a month or so, and he has been round to my house in the evening while my children are here about 2 or 3 times, I think. He's also seen them and said hi once when he's picked me up for the cinema, the rest of the time they obviously know where I am and that I'm seeing him etc.

I'm now stuck.

I'm torn between really wanting to progress the relationship properly (moving in together over the next couple of years, getting married in the future etc and he says the same. He'd also quite like a baby but I'm 42 and thought I was done with babies so that's still under discussion) And being so scared to mess my children's lives up, basically.

I feel awful that I stayed in my toxic marriage for so long and whilst I can see that my new DP is so, so different in every way to my ex, I'm worried about my children having to get used to another stranger and have someone in their lives that may be good for them, but don't necessarily want.

If I didn't have children I would move in with DP now, without a shadow of a doubt.
But I feel guilty even going out in the evening with DP and leaving my children alone for just a few hours; I suppose because I feel like they think I'm prioritising 'a man' over being with them.

I know it's only been a little over a year, but next Christmas it will have been two years we've been together officially (2.5 if you include the part before we told anyone) and I feel like by then, we should be seeing each other a bit more consistently and he should be around my children a bit more. However, I know that if I carry on as I am, we'll be in exactly the same situation as I'm too afraid to take that first step to seeing him more or involving him in our lives more.

I haven't had him round here in the evening since the summer as I'm so paralysed with fear of upsetting my children and I can't imagine having him stay over as I'm embarrassed that it means they'll know I'm sleeping with someone if he stays overnight.

I feel like I'm overthinking this all so much and am pushing my feelings of wanting to progress down, because I'm so scared of harming my children any more than I might have already by staying in my marriage.

So. Aside from therapy, which I am actually going to do again to try and reframe my thinking, how can I comfortably progress my relationship without worrying about my children feeling pushed out?

Any real life examples of how others progressed their relationship, how often they saw their partners in the first year or two etc, would be really helpful!

In case it's relevant; I have ADHD and generalised anxiety disorder, plus a lot of childhood trauma and am tend to get stuck in these anxiety loops/indecision paralysis with a lot of big decisions in my life.
So this so nothing to do with my DP or doubts about him, and everything about me and not wanting to damage my children further.

Thanks, I get both your points and I think it's striking that balance between checking in with the children to make sure there aren't any glaring concerns (and then either changing things or reassuring the children, depending on what those concerns are), and presenting yourself as confident and positive about the relationship.

At the moment, I'm very much presenting a "I'm not sure" type of vibe, I think. Which isn't helping.

I have generalised anxiety disorder anyway which does make it a bit more difficult to focus on the positives rather than the negative.

@2025HereICome it's not so much that I'm focusing on the kids being involved as such, it's just that I would like him to be able to stay over here in future, come round at Xmas/new year etc and just be a bit more involved in that side of things, but not sure how to get there.

I'd be happy to keep it completely out of the house but I'm not going to stay over at his (just not something I'd feel comfortable doing, at least not in the next year or two with my youngest being so young - and I have no family to have them overnight or anything like that and their dad has never seen them), so it feels like the relationship will basically consist of dates out and lunchtimes for the foreseeable, which seems a bit limiting with regards to making any progression

Not sure how I'd feel if I left moving in until they had all left home - I think it might seem to the children like I was waiting for them to leave, or something, and tbh there's no guarantee they'll leave home as I'm not desperate to have them go and none of my brothers left home until they were mid 20s, so it may go the same way with my three.

I never said she should stop him coming round. What I actually said was yes, she should be able to have him around, she should be confident about her relationship, not feel guilty for going out or staying at her BFs but that her children's opinions should matter.

Our lived experience is obviously very different @Illpickthatup I wish my parents had listened to me and I'll never forgive them for dismissing my feelings and forcing things on me. I would hate for OP to damage her relationship with her children in that way, especially when she's almost out of the woods in terms of child rearing and the last partner she had was by all accounts an asshole. No man or relationship is worth it.

There's nothing wrong with listening to your children and ensuring they are comfortable in their own home, even if that means taking relationships very very slowly or waiting to progress until they have left home. Parents choose to have their children, they don't choose to be born, and they should come first. It saddens me the amount of parents that don't put their children's needs ahead of their wants when it comes to relationships.

@Indecisionindecisive I'm sure you'll make the right decisions for your family. You really seem to be thinking of everything and considering their feelings which is actually so refreshing to read.

Maybe reconsider staying at your BFs though, your children will all be old enough to be left for an evening when they are 15 and up imo but you know your kids best.

Understand what you're saying about waiting to move in together until the children leave home. But why must you actually live together? Plenty of couples don't and are perfectly happy. Plenty of people move in together, with or without children and it's an absolute disaster. Progress looks different for everyone.

How long ago did you leave your last husband?

It's been three years since I left my ex.

I suppose we don't need to live together... I do know there are a lot of people who don't as I've seen it mentioned on here a lot.

OP your children have been through enough.
Do not move another man in and do not bring a sibling into their lives.

The potential for disaster is too great.
Enjoy what you have and stay with it like this.

When I met a new boyfriend he did not come to my house for a long time and then when he did my DD was at her Dad's.

At some point he did come to mine when my DD was there but we started slowly, he would come round one evening a week for tea and to watch TV and then go home. He didn't stay over for more than a year and even then it was occasionally once a month.
My DD always took priority and I never did anything to make her feel uncomfortable.

Having worked with offenders for most of my life I had huge concerns about any unrelated male being in the house when my daughter was home and that is still with me now and she is 22.

I will never live with a man again, I ended my marriage 6.5yrs ago and am still battle scarred. My DD said to me earlier this year (after her Dad moved in a brand new girlfriend to their home and my DD moved out - she split her time 50/50 when she was back from Uni) that she knows I'd never do the same as I won't share my home ever again except with my children.
My children will always come first even if that means me having no relationships.

I think starting with one evening a week for tea and a few hours doing whatever would be good and they will soon get used to him being there.

I agree with previous posters not to have another child and/or move in together.

Part of the problem with growing up in an abusive family is that you always respond to everyone else’s needs before your own and take parenting cues from your children. I know that when parenting my own kid I sometimes gave her too many choices and too much of a voice in an effort to be supportive and empathetic, which sadly increases a child’s anxiety. In reality I should have set the tone with confidence and taken the lead more often.
So i suggest that you move things along with this bloke and let your kids see how happy and confident you are. Take on whatever feedback they give you, but let them know that you are comfortable and happy with your decisions

Actually, I agree with this.

I also agree with the posters saying not to move him in, I can see the points made and certainly won't be rushing to move in.
I suppose if you have seperate homes you can still sort of live in between homes anyway eventually. At any rate, I wouldn't consider moving in with him until my youngest has left school and that's another two years away yet, anyway.

See where we are then as it's entirely possible we could be in exactly the same situation we are now, unless I start moving things along a bit more!

Thanks all :)