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Original poster

What should my partner do?

31 replies

lostandconfused0011 · 30/12/2024 04:19

Hi, sorry I am not completely around all the acronyms so hopefully this makes sense.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over 1 year. He separated from his ex wife nearly 10 (yes ten) ago and they have two teenage children (13).

I have not met the children yet as they live a few hours away and he only has them one or two nights every fortnight plus a bit more during different school holidays.

He told his ex-wife of our relationship maybe 3 months after we started seeing each other. I understand she had asked him a few times previously if he was involved with anyone but he'd said no, it was still new and we didn't know where it would go. Anyway she had flipped out and accessed his phone and messages between us and all hell has broken loose - this was earlier this year.

Since then she has maintained that he has been deceitful and lied to her and reiterates that her and his children do not support his relationship. He has repeatedly tried to be civil and avoid conflict and generally just ignores it as best he can however it does affect his mental health.

Fast forward to this Xmas and I got his kids a small impersonal gift, though I still haven't met them. This has caused a further fallout for him as she now claims that her and and the kids think I am trying to buy their affection!! I was just trying to be nice and that was that, just like he was by buying small things for my two kids who he has met a fair few times.

Again its brought up all the claims that his kids don't support the relationship and that he should 'keep his b!tch away from my kids'

He getting increasingly anxious that she will withhold the kids from him or their great relationship will sour if I try to have even a small involvement or acknowledgement in their lives.

We are not trying to be a blended family, certainly not anytime soon but take small steps to allow adjustment however there are roadblocks at every turn. He tries to be civil and just let her vent and they have parenting consent orders, he really doesn't want to make it hard or nasty for anyone or lose his relationship with his kids.

OP posts:
Nocheezesforusmeesez · 30/12/2024 06:26

I think there is more going on here than he has told you. It's not a normal or rational way to behave after 10 years.

In all honesty, my money would be on them still having a sexual relationship after the split and the ex now feeling jealous. This has nothing to do with the children and 100% with your partner. He needs to be honest with you and you need to be honest with yourself about any red flags

lunar1 · 30/12/2024 06:38

It's really odd that she's been able to access his phone after 10 years separated. There is more going on than you know, I'd put money on it.

Redlarge · 30/12/2024 06:44

I doubt she's accessed his phone. I'm always incredibly wary of the ex being a psycho tale. As others have said there is more to this.

Original poster
lostandconfused0011 · 30/12/2024 07:46

lunar1 · 30/12/2024 06:38

It's really odd that she's been able to access his phone after 10 years separated. There is more going on than you know, I'd put money on it.

He told me that he had handed her his phone to look at something on Facebook or something like that - seeing as I know the content of some of our messages, he would never willingly give her access to his text messages

OP posts:
crashbandicooty · 30/12/2024 07:47

There are ex wives out there who are on this spectrum but it does seem really extreme, and her response/behaviour seems at odds with the narrative your partner has given you re the length of time they have been divorced and amount of contact they have. Do you believe him?

Original poster
lostandconfused0011 · 30/12/2024 07:49

Nocheezesforusmeesez · 30/12/2024 06:26

I think there is more going on here than he has told you. It's not a normal or rational way to behave after 10 years.

In all honesty, my money would be on them still having a sexual relationship after the split and the ex now feeling jealous. This has nothing to do with the children and 100% with your partner. He needs to be honest with you and you need to be honest with yourself about any red flags

Agreed its not normal or rational but I am 100% confident nothing has gone on between them, they live hours apart and I trust him

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 30/12/2024 07:51

This is so strange. I don’t believe your partner. His children are 13 years old… so not so small anymore.

its very strange and there is a lot of drama. I personally will step away. I agree with others regarding others… he not telling you the truth, they probably had sexually relationship… and he shouldn’t be telling you all these hurtful things his ex-wife is saying about you … especially about the Xmas presents.

i would step away from the relationship and drama.

Original poster
lostandconfused0011 · 30/12/2024 07:52

crashbandicooty · 30/12/2024 07:47

There are ex wives out there who are on this spectrum but it does seem really extreme, and her response/behaviour seems at odds with the narrative your partner has given you re the length of time they have been divorced and amount of contact they have. Do you believe him?

I do believe him and I know they been apart that long with 100% certainty. I know they have contact relating to their children but nothing beyond what I have experienced to be normal in these situations

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 30/12/2024 07:52

lostandconfused0011 · 30/12/2024 07:46

He told me that he had handed her his phone to look at something on Facebook or something like that - seeing as I know the content of some of our messages, he would never willingly give her access to his text messages

Show quote history

That doesn’t sound normal

Persimmons123 · 30/12/2024 07:57

Nah, they see each other (once in a while?) and she checked his phone and saw your messages. There would be no other reason for her to ask repeatedly if he has a relationship. The number of women who believe the narrative that other women are psycho and the poor man is just a victim is scary.

BigDahliaFan · 30/12/2024 08:04

Is this his first relationship in 10 years? Or does she go mad at every relationship?

There are psycho exes, but it's rare, it wouldn't have come out of the blue ....he'd have been expecting it.

Have you met his friends and family?

BigDahliaFan · 30/12/2024 08:05

Also as someone else said, who needs that much drama in their lives?

EllieRosesMammy · 30/12/2024 08:19

I couldn't be arsed being involved in that drama like. If they really have been completely seperated 10 years and this is how she's still acting then that's embarrassing for her. But it sounds like they've been "seperated" for 10 years but still hooking up in the meantime. My husbands best friend has been "seperated" from his ex for 12 years now, but still sleeping together on and off during this time, and whenever either one sees a new person the other one loses their shit 🤦🏻‍♀️

Illpickthatup · 30/12/2024 10:36

The kids are 13. I assume they have their own phone. Why does he not just block his ex of she's constantly sending those types of message? My DH has always just contacted his boys directly from about the age of 13 and cut out their mum. If the schedule is set and agreed there is no need for contact with the ex at all.

I also find it extremely odd that she was able to go through his phone. Super weird. It doesn't sound like the have an amicable relationship so why on earth would he be handing her his phone?

If what you're saying is true then she sounds unhinged but he hasn't exactly helped the situation. He'll allowed her too much access to his business that is fuck all to do with her.

Block the ex, confirm pick up times directly with the kids. Don't get out of the car and text the kids when he's outside. No need for her to be involved at all or anywhere near him.

Ironthrone · 30/12/2024 17:21

Defo something off about this situation… 10 years later and she still thinks she can go through his phone? They are too friendly.

SidekickSylvia · 30/12/2024 17:31

Any reason they're not divorced? 10 years is an exceptionally long time to be separated.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 30/12/2024 17:43

Oh I would back away from the relationship, OP. You only have to read threads on here from women who are a few years down the line with a similar set up to know their lives aren't worth living. Get out now, while you can.

namechangeGOT · 30/12/2024 17:49

I agree with others. And the the thing is, although you think you know things with 100% certainty, the likelihood is, is that you don't. Sounds very likely to me that he's been stringing her along for a while and she found out. It matters not that they live some distance away. So do people in LDR's. What he's telling you doesn't stack up with how she's reacting and it's alllllwwwways so easy to blame 'the psycho ex'.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/12/2024 17:55

Sorry op, totally agree this just does not stack up. There is waaay more going on here than he is telling you I’m afraid.

Meandhimtogether · 30/12/2024 17:58

Run who needs this drama in their life.
I agree with others that there is more going on then he has told you.

MyNewLife2025 · 30/12/2024 18:44

If he sees his dc’s EOW, then he must gave seen them since the ‘discovery’
They are old enough dur him yo gave a conversation around the subject and ‘check’s whether they have issues if not (and address them if they do).

That’s what happens when you have a great relationship with your dcs. You talk to them, ensure they feel seen and heard and sort things out.
He shouldn’t rely on what his ex is saying.

Then ofc depends on whether contact is validated by the Courts. If he is actually divorced (believe it or not, some couples haven’t actually divorced 10 years on, despite been separated….) etc..,,

Then tbh, the way he reacts (eg jumping to please the ex with no regard to you) will tell you a lot on who he is. And how well this can be resolved.

Crazycatlady79 · 30/12/2024 20:43

Nah, something doesn't sound right in his version of things.
As an aside, why on earth did you think it would be a good idea to buy his children a present, having not met them and taking into account the ridiculous drama you've described?!

sunflowersngunpowdr · 30/12/2024 20:55

I don't think you can call someone a partner if you have been together a year. I also don't think you need to have any involvement with the kids what so ever. He only has them every fortnight, they shouldn't have to share him with anyone - I'm assuming you don't live together? You don't need to be involved. Why did you think buying them gifts was a good idea knowing the mother was already uneasy? It sounds like you are pushing for something that you have no right to push for. They are old enough that if you are still together in another year or two they can choose to meet you then. Until then can't you just enjoy the relationship? Also... I don't buy the crazy ex thing. I think he's tweaking the truth and there's a lot more to it.

Babycatsmummy · 30/12/2024 22:47

Sounds like she still has a torch for him and he's in some way lead her to believe he still has feelings too and there is a chance for reconciliation....now she's discovered you she's very angry at him at unfortunately your relationship is the one that's going to suffer....

You should just walk away now before it gets worse. As hard as it is. The kids seeing their Dad comes first and she sounds like she would stop them from seeing him because of you ☹️

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2024 22:51

Fishy as fuck. As if they’re looking at stuff on each others phones given the rest of the circumstances as you describe them.

If you want your life to be riddled with angst and drama carry on as you are. If not, think again.

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