Terrible 4s and 'gentle parenting'

[Newtothishelpplease]

I am engaged, expecting a child soon with my fiance, and he has a 4yo who we have with us quite regularly. Let's just say she is not the best at not getting exactly what she wants, immediately. Its no surprise though, as he basically never says no. I try to keep out of it as much a possible, sometimes just physically removing myself from the room when he is giving in to yet another tantrum because i find out really hard to watch. Well, today i heard demands coming from the livingroom for a new present/toy so i sent a message to my partner telling him where the box full of toys she got for xmas 3 days ago was that hadnt even been opened or played with yet. No response, but he came into the bedroom a few minutes later to tell me he was going out with his daughter to buy her a toy. I made the mistake of saying something like 'of course you are' or rolling my eyes or something. I blame pregnancy hormones and the afternoon morning sickness i was dealing with, but that's beside the point. I then got a string of messages while he was out asking me to resolve my feelings and saying he wasn't going to play games. I called him to discuss what he was on about, but we had a quick chat and he hung up on me. I probably shouldn't have, but this caused me to send him a message with why i was telling him where the toys were, and my general feelings about the whole situation (much more tactfully than i an writing it now.) Well. He ignored it, came home, hasn't spoken to me in 6 hours, and has now gone to sleep in his daughters room.

I really just don't what to do. I am extremely concerned as i don't want our baby to be raised to behave like this, or be rewarded for tantrums and bad behavior.

Any advice?

Walk away. This won't get any better.

Let's just say she is not the best at not getting exactly what she wants

Code for he has raised one brat, the next will be exactly the same.

Walk away now OP

Types of parenting-

Submissive
Giving into child's every whim for easy life/to be loved no discipline

Authoritve
Do as I say because I said so , harsh discipline

Gentle
Considers child's needs/capability, manages their environment. Discipline where appropriate

Gentle parenting when done properly is not the devil

How do you expect to co parent successfully if you have different parenting styles?

He ignored it, came home, hasn't spoken to me in 6 hours, and has now gone to sleep in his daughters room.(

Fucker. Why on earth would you want to live your life with him.

Gentle parents say no. Having firm boundaries is a key part of gentle parenting. The gentle part just means you empathise with them when their sad after they say no.

I wouldn’t call it gentle parenting. I’d call it non existent parenting. He is making a rod for his own back she will grow into a spoilt brat who thinks the world owes her something.

major ick!! He clearly doesn’t value your thoughts / feelings surrounding his daughter so I don’t think this has much hope.

likely it will end but it’s a when not an if

Yeah that’s not gentle parenting it’s submissive parenting.

I generally subscribe to gentle (ish) parenting. Which to me means I understand that a 4 year old is driven by emotions they can’t fully control yet so don’t blame them for the upset, but also set clear boundaries so would not have bought a new toy!

Trouble is OP, I can’t really see how things get better. He gives in because he wants to be Disney dad. So with your child, does he do the same to treat them the same, or does he put proper boundaries in place for your child because it’s easier to do when you have the child all the time, and then ends up treating them differently? Frankly his own tantrum over this shows you that his emotional intelligence is not high.

I am extremely concerned as i don't want our baby to be raised to behave like this, or be rewarded for tantrums and bad behavior.

Then you should have picked a different man to have a child with. Sorry that won’t feel helpful as you’re already pregnant but as a step mum and a mum you’ve been beyond naive.

One of the best things about dating a man who’s already a dad is seeing what he’s like as a dad. When a couple are both having their first baby together neither knows exactly how the other will be. We don’t know how we’ll be ourselves until it happens. You’ve had a huge advantage in watching the man parent a child he already has very badly and seeing what life will be like having one with him.

You know he’s a useless, weak, piece of crap dad and you decided to jump in and saddle another child with him. You also know, if you didn’t before, that he won’t communicate like a grown up and hangs up on you and then stonewalls you.

What advice are you after?

You knew this man had a child who would come before you before you chose to get engaged and have a baby. In my opinion it’s not fair for you to involve yourself in his parenting between him and his ex and their child. I would suspect that if it were you in the ex’s shoes you really wouldn’t want another woman making your daughter feel a type of way or denying her toys because you feel she is spoilt, that is unfair assumption to make about a child who is going through her parents separating and dealing with her world being turned upside down, I think your role should be supportive and loving and if you can’t be either then just don’t involve yourself at all. I am sending you well wishes, morning sickness can be difficult 💐

She is four. Still very young. A new toy is probably a request for attention. You don't sound very nice about her. If it was a Mum complaining that the step father interfered in raising the child, posters would tell the mum to put her child first.
I am a teacher. Schools don't have 'punishment' policies. Yet some posters on MN love to talk harshly about ways of handling a child's behaviour. At four the goal is to distract where possible and talk gently to the child when they are calm. I would advise that a loving parent is always guided by love when dealing with their child.
I feel sorry for your step daughter. It is hard to be a step child. Your husband should be attentive to his little daughter's needs and put her first. She is around a lot. She will stop wanting to visit if you are resentful towards her and your husband will have to choose between you or his daughter.

The horse has bolted op hasn't it?!? The advice would have been before you were pregnant. I'm sorry for you that you weren't aware of his lack of parenting skills when you fell pregnant. This isn't gentle parenting, this is no parenting and she will get harder and harder to handle with no boundaries in place. As to what you can do now :

1. Stay together and try to show him how enforcing boundaries is actually good parenting and works
2. Split up and hope he doesn't want 50/50 so that you get more chance to repair his damage

This is exactly how he will raise your joint child.

👏🏻

He sounds hapless, and I don’t understand why you didn’t feel comfortable to get involved, distract her with something from the box of Christmas stuff, make her laugh etc. You should be a team caring for her if she’s in your home and sister to your baby when it arrives. Poor kid. Do you ever spend any time with the child alone?

It's obviously a bit late to say that you shouldn't have got pregnant with a man whose parenting style you disapproved of.
I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I'd split up now, before the baby arrives. He'll always put his DD first and you'll always resent her.

He clearly is putting his child first by completely ignoring the fact that the child had a box of unopened toys and ignoring his partner suggesting this to him. He should have distracted his child by showing her the box of unopened toys and she could have had a new toy out of the box instead of buying one.

Schools have behaviour management policies and they have them for a reason, if you’re a teacher you would know this. Being a teacher has absolutely no bearing on being a step parent. Classroom behaviour management is one thing, home is a completely different environment as I’m sure you’ll appreciate.

@Newtothishelpplease You need to have a very calm and serious conversation about today. He’s sending you a very clear message, especially ignoring you and choosing to sleep beside his child tonight. The ignoring you is concerning, the silent treatment is abuse and you need to have a long hard think about how your life will be having seen his behaviour today is my advice. He’s a Disney dad imo with no boundaries and once your child is born this may get worse. How long have you been in his child’s life as she’s quite young.

I agree this is not gentle parenting it is lazy and permissive parenting. He isn't doing this poor kid any favours by failing to properly raise her.

I wouldn't be staying. You will either have him being a shit parent to both children or there will be a huge disparity in how he treats each child.

I also agree that silent treatment is coercive and abusive.

I was through in the bedroom with stomach cramps after getting sick, i could just hear through the walls. I put the toys away in he room on boxing day, so i legitimately didn't know if he knew where they were.

I used to spend more time with her, but have taken a step back to figure out how to manage thing since he asked that i don't say no to her. Context is that she was getting into my work things which are in an area where she generally shouldn't be (she has broken and taken,scribbled on multiple of my work things before so we changed the location), and even he admits i calmly said "hey, let's not play over there" and she started screaming. While i was still trying to process why she was crying (2 seconds if that), he immediately told her it was fine and that i didn't mean it, and asked me to apologise to her and give her some kind of treat. Instead, i told her i want mad at her and explained that there were breakable things there and asked if she wanted us to come and play with her in a different room. She stopped crying and we went off to play, but he asked that i don't say no because it scares her...

I don't see a way of spending time alone with her if i am not able to calmly and reasonably say no.

He can’t cope with any emotions, can he? He can’t cope with his child being upset and he can’t cope with how he felt after you spoke to him.

He’s basically a scared little boy, desperately running around trying to spare his child and himself from ever being challenged by an uncomfortable emotion, because he’s scared she and he will break if they do. Zero emotional intelligence. Zero capacity to foresee how his parenting will damage his child in the long run.

I’m not sure where you go from here tbh, he sounds infuriatingly obtuse and I’m not sure he has the capacity to listen, reflect and change.

Wow , I can see why you retreat and are not involved with her because you are cautioned and watched over all the time no doubt . He is doing himself no favours but what’s more he’s doing his child no favours . Submissive and lazy parenting. He is spoiling her . Not her fault though . Not sure really how you can work through this but good luck .

She's only 4 and already having to deal with her dad move on with someone else and a new baby in the mix.

Not the wisest decision really.

My 4 yr old is possible adhd and asd and honestly shevis just HARD. Loads of patience required

Op, it's easy to be a parenting expert before you have your own kids. Your time will come and you'll be able to put your perfect theories into practice.

This is going to be a nightmare when the baby arrives. He can’t parent the child he already has and that child is clearly jealous and craving attention. Why do people have to have new babies instead of looking after the children they have?