Terrible 4s and 'gentle parenting'

[Newtothishelpplease]

I am engaged, expecting a child soon with my fiance, and he has a 4yo who we have with us quite regularly. Let's just say she is not the best at not getting exactly what she wants, immediately. Its no surprise though, as he basically never says no. I try to keep out of it as much a possible, sometimes just physically removing myself from the room when he is giving in to yet another tantrum because i find out really hard to watch. Well, today i heard demands coming from the livingroom for a new present/toy so i sent a message to my partner telling him where the box full of toys she got for xmas 3 days ago was that hadnt even been opened or played with yet. No response, but he came into the bedroom a few minutes later to tell me he was going out with his daughter to buy her a toy. I made the mistake of saying something like 'of course you are' or rolling my eyes or something. I blame pregnancy hormones and the afternoon morning sickness i was dealing with, but that's beside the point. I then got a string of messages while he was out asking me to resolve my feelings and saying he wasn't going to play games. I called him to discuss what he was on about, but we had a quick chat and he hung up on me. I probably shouldn't have, but this caused me to send him a message with why i was telling him where the toys were, and my general feelings about the whole situation (much more tactfully than i an writing it now.) Well. He ignored it, came home, hasn't spoken to me in 6 hours, and has now gone to sleep in his daughters room.

I really just don't what to do. I am extremely concerned as i don't want our baby to be raised to behave like this, or be rewarded for tantrums and bad behavior.

Any advice?

Pretty lazy parenting to buy new toy after a tantrum and 3 days after Christmas.

A child's own parent is usually the expert on what she needs.

It seems like what your SD needed right then, was 1-1 time with her dad, away from her judgemental stepmum. Your BF thought the way to achieve that was get her out of the house, and the pretext was "buying a new toy". I doubt he intends to spend much, it's just a way to spend time with her.

It really can't be easy for her living with you, when you don't have age-appropriate expectations of her, and clearly think she's a spoilt brat. My dd is 4 and there's nothing unfamiliar with what you describe of your SD's behaviour.

As I say, your time will come when your own turns 4

He just needed to get her out of the house.

Do you have a 4yo? 4yos get overwhelmed and cry easily. Imagine being a 4yo and every time you do so, you have an adult there, in your home, sneering and eyerolling

"Yet another tantrum"
"I heard demands"

This. There are a lot of cons of being a step-parent but one of the advantages are getting to see your partner as a parent before you decide to have baby with them. Obviously it's a bit too late now but you should have walked away from this a long time ago and now you're stuck with him.

Unfortunately this is unlikely to get better. You're always going to be the bad guy if you mention anything and god help you when she reaches the teenager years of this is how things are as a 4 yo. Would he do family therapy? Maybe hearing things from an outsiders perspective would make him think twice. Ultimately unless he changes his mindset and starts parenting properly the relationship is doomed as you'll always be living with resentment.

My dd is 4 and there's nothing unfamiliar with what you describe of your SD's behaviour.

I wouldn’t brag about that tbh. Plenty of us have had 4 year olds and OP correctly recognises appalling parenting going on in her own home leading to a child with challenging behaviour who isn’t being giving healthy boundaries or expectations.

I loathe the condescending bullshit people come out with to pregnant women suggesting they’re clueless, even when they already live with a child.

OP hasn’t been wise in her choice of partner, he’s pathetic, but don’t suggest she doesn’t know that what she’s witnessing isn’t awful and the Disney dad knows best.

Her judgement is rightly aimed at the crap dad not the poorly parented child.

Tell me you're raising a brat without telling me.

I think you mean permissive, authoritarian, authoritative and gentle?!

She won’t admit to that, but she is.

I'm not going to defend my dd because this isn't about her, but I'm going to defend op's sd.

The SD sometimes has tantrums, and she once scribbled on some work papers, and at Christmas (an overwhelming time) she got overwhelmed and cried for a new toy.

You're all deluded if you think this isn't fairly normal 4yo behaviour. Either you've never had a 4yo or it was too long ago. I have a 4yo and she is friends with many more 4yos (and indeed 5yos) and I assure you this is normal for all of them.

What isn't normal, what my dd and her friends thankfully don't have, is for the 4yo to live with an adult who is constantly judging, disapproving, and sneering at her. "Bad behaviour". "Yet another tantrum". "Eye roll".

The tantrums might be normal don’t think anyone disagrees that 4 year olds have tantrums that’s not why the OP is annoyed. She’s annoyed by her father’s response to her behaviour. I’m sorry not calming the situation down and giving into her tantrums and demands is not a great way to parent, IMO.

im with OP it was Xmas she had toys, distract her take her to her new toys. Do not indulge the tantrum and buy her a new toy because she stomped her feet and cried and screamed. That’s rewarding bad behaviour and said child will learn if I stomp my feet cry and scream I get whatever I want.

id be rolling my eyes too and talking to my partner about a better way to handle the behaviour.

cant see OP is at fault here, but as usual poor little step kids can do what they want because mummy and daddy don’t love each other.

She’s annoyed by her father’s response to her behaviour.

Sure but the 4yo will absolutely be picking up on this and feeling it as disapproval of her, she won't understand the subtlety of it. That's why she fell to pieces when op told her not to scribble on her work papers. And that's why the dh is basically saying that he'd rather op didn't discipline her but leave it to him.

Op, did he buy the extra toy? Or did he just take SD out of the house on that pretext?

Sounds like he's trying to make up for having her only 'regularly' and a second child when she's only 4.

How long have you two been together? How long after he broke up with her mum? How regular is 'regular'?