Christmas debrief - Step Parenting Edition

[BahHumbug24]

Lighthearted. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family but my MIL has pissed me off. For reasons known only to her she pays very little attention to mine and DH’s two children (4 and 6) lavishes love and affection on my DSS (15) and her other DGC.

I feel it came to a head when I asked if we could visit Box Day. Despite the absence of any plans there was an uncomfortable silence until DH said “oh maybe we’ll see” and when we left he agreed it was awkward and clearly we’re not welcome. I know MIL has arranged to have DSS with his Mum for a few days over the holidays, so she will be spending ample time with him, as she always does during the holidays. DSS’ mum doesn’t work, I do and at times struggle to cover the holidays but heaven forbid PIL take care of my children - I am always told they’re “already committed” in fact its got to be about 18m since they had my youngest and saw them for longer than half an hour. I maintain it’s not just about childcare but cannot fathom why they don’t want to maintain a relationship with my/our kids.

PIL sent presents with DH to take to DSS’ Mum’s house and then a second lot to take to our house. This is typical. I did have to tell DH to ask them to stop sending DSS gifts at our house because he would arrive back with all these new toys and my kids would get nothing. When my oldest DC go to about 3 he started to realise and make comments.

Hows Christmas been ladies - please use this thread to offload.

We are very low contact with DH's stepmom because of her blatant favoritism.

As soon as our children became aware they were treated differently we dipped out.

We only visit if invited and as such haven't been to DH's childhood home in over a year.
His sitter lives around the corner but we only see her maybe twice a year. The family is so dysfunctional. Golden children, codependent relationships the whole lot.

She was hosting the family for Boxing Day, big event everyone going but we were not invited. We had a visit pre Christmas to drop off token gifts.
It used to be we were given a time slot Christmas Eve to visit but that stopped after DH's dad passed away.

Life is too short. The kids are much happier only seeing her rarely and not having to pretend.

My PIL definitely favour the DSC over the child that me and my husband now have together. But to their credit, they do acknowledge my own DC who are young adults and give them money etc for Christmas.

They won't be. My in-laws are in exactly like yours. Sdd and dniece have always been the apple of their eyes and they would bend over backwards for them. They would drop everything to support dh's ex (they were early 20s, only together 3years when they split. We have been married 12 years for context). Dh and I hit a rough patch last year and separated for 6months. MIL didn't even get my dc (her grandchildren) birthday or Christmas cards. Completely ignored them. Even worse is she walked past our house on Christmas Day to get to SILs and still couldn't just pop a card through the letterbox. We are back together now but she hasn't seen the dc for over 6 months now, and hasn't asked to see them either. SDD on the other hand is staying over for a week being smothered with presents and special days out.
I won't have anything to do with her anymore, and the last year has really opened dh's eyes and he now sees what I have seen for years (he always made excuses on her behalf, doesn't anymore)

I banned my mil from our house at Xmas due to this sort of behaviour. Absolutely awful, small for my two (very appreciated) but two bin bags full of stuff for sd.
My two sat in silence listening to how good sd has been all year and that's why she got more gifts.
I've never had her here for Xmas again and never will

It makes me so sad reading these posts. I don’t know why people think it’s acceptable to do this to children.
DH and I don’t have shared DC, but do have them from previous relationships. It really upsets me that his family don’t treat my DC the same as his, I know they aren’t blood relatives but we are married and a family, and my family treat his DC the same as mine.
Ive clashed with DH over this before because if it were the other way around I would be saying something to my family.

My DC has only visited MIL once at Christmas, because on that occasion my SC opened a mass of presents, whilst my DC was given some chocolate and another little wrap up. I’ve never expected them to visit since. It’s not about cost but it’s crappy for a child to sit there watching another open a ton of presents and just be expected to not feel uncomfortable or upset by it.

OMG to tell her it's because their half sister had been so good too! That's absolutely awful,

@Thelifeofawife sounds like you made the right decision. People expect families to all blend together seamlessly but they don't even make the effort as a support network themselves.

@BahHumbug24 I find it so disappointing, especially when you know they would have something to say if it were the other way around.
I just keep reminding myself that I’m fortunate to have such a loving family, and that my DC will never miss out where they are concerned.

On a similar note, I wonder if anyone on here has experience of spending for children who aren’t joint but you’re a family unit. DH and I have clashed numerous times because we agree a budget then he exceeds it by quite a bit for his DC, but doesn’t discuss it with me to make sure my DC gets the same. Am I being unrealistic expecting us to spend the same on both our children (mines older so technically more expensive to buy for, but I’m trying to make it fair)?

If your DH won’t keep to a budget then maybe don’t have a budget. Don’t hold back because you don’t want your child to get more. I think your idea is a good one, but unfair on your child if DH doesn’t respect it. You could have Christmas morning apart so you don’t feel like his kid gets a lot more.

@MeowMeowWoof Thank you. It’s not that I don’t want my child to have more as such, just that I want them to be treated the same so this feels the fair way to approach it.
DH would also happily get into debt to blow the budget for his DC, which isn’t necessary especially as the budget isn’t small to start with

I think it’s probably just easier to open Christmas presents separately.

I know you say it's lighthearted but we do have to put up with a lot of shit!