Christmas debrief - Step Parenting Edition

[BahHumbug24]

Lighthearted. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family but my MIL has pissed me off. For reasons known only to her she pays very little attention to mine and DH’s two children (4 and 6) lavishes love and affection on my DSS (15) and her other DGC.

I feel it came to a head when I asked if we could visit Box Day. Despite the absence of any plans there was an uncomfortable silence until DH said “oh maybe we’ll see” and when we left he agreed it was awkward and clearly we’re not welcome. I know MIL has arranged to have DSS with his Mum for a few days over the holidays, so she will be spending ample time with him, as she always does during the holidays. DSS’ mum doesn’t work, I do and at times struggle to cover the holidays but heaven forbid PIL take care of my children - I am always told they’re “already committed” in fact its got to be about 18m since they had my youngest and saw them for longer than half an hour. I maintain it’s not just about childcare but cannot fathom why they don’t want to maintain a relationship with my/our kids.

PIL sent presents with DH to take to DSS’ Mum’s house and then a second lot to take to our house. This is typical. I did have to tell DH to ask them to stop sending DSS gifts at our house because he would arrive back with all these new toys and my kids would get nothing. When my oldest DC go to about 3 he started to realise and make comments.

Hows Christmas been ladies - please use this thread to offload.

Also before I’m asked - I’m not the OW - DH was divorced and living alone when we met and we’ve been together 10 years.

DSS always has Christmas Day at his mums first - he always comes to ours and tells us he’s ‘got that already at my mums’ to pretty much everything we buy as he tells both parents he wants the same things and she doesn’t care to communicate with us as he will always open it first at hers. Last year he got 2 games consoles so was totally underwhelmed with the second. This year, my mum had wrapped up a choc selection box and he told her he had already had 4 this morning and was a bit sick of them now, and she had got him a mini radio as she remembered him saying he wanted one but he just said ‘oh I’ve already got one of these today.’ It makes me not want to bother!

@doglover92 that sounds really frustrating and a huge waste of money too. Could you all start giving him cash instead?

@BahHumbug24 that would be so much better but he’s only 8 still so DH feels he should have a big pile of presents still as our shared DC gets that. It frustrates me as I think the little one only gets one lot of presents whereas DSS gets twice the amount! Similarly to what you’ve said before I think!

To clarify- your husbands parents give presents to one of your husbands children, and nothing for the other two of your husbands children?

If so, has he asked them why they have done that?

Yes I can understand why he wants it to be even but sounds like a colossal waste.

What annoys me is PIL are grandparents to ALL DH’s kids and yet one is singled out and spoilt over and above. It doesn’t escape my DC.

So for Christmas they all got presents. But DSS got two sets - one for opening at our house and one at his Mums. So what he receives is far in excess of what our joint DC get. This is similar to birthdays etc. When my eldest was smaller they didn’t realise PIL were also their grandparents. They held the genuine belief they had one set (my parents) because of this disparity in how they are treated by PIL.

On other occasions, yes DSS frequently gets gifts etc from PIL and my kids get nothing. I asked that if they were going to do that they didn’t bring DSS to our house with gifts and either got ALL the children something and were more discreet or kept DSS gifts at their house. When my oldest was small they didn’t recognise it but when they got to 2.5-3 it caused a lot of friction in our household. My DC once came back from visiting them as a family asking for something from Amazon and I unpicked it was because MIL had been ordering stuff for DSS whilst sat with them and not got them anything. DH did have a word - he didn’t ask why but explained the impact it was having and that our DC feel left out. They have got better at being less blatant. For a while they included them all but they have slipped back to old habits more recently.

If SIL is MIL’s favourite child then it’s no surprise that her children will be favourites over yours. I know it’s not fair or right but it is pointless to chase the ideal of equal treatment when the parents have never been treated the same. You know that MIL isn’t bothered about seeing you and the kids so you’ll make everyone happier if you didn’t pretend that she is a normal nan who wants to see the kids. It is crappy that the favouritism is so obvious to the kids but MIL has been doing this for decades so probably can’t see it anymore.

Don’t buy from his wishlist next year, it’s money wasted unless it’s something practical that is good to have at each house eg console and bite your tongue with the annoying comments about already having it. He’s a child so won’t be able to bite his tongue and not say that he opened one already at mum’s. It’s not his fault that mum isn’t collaborative with you about what to get from his list. As the favourite child she will be able to get MIL to buy it all.

Kids with divorced parents will usually get more gifts because the gifts are from mum or dad rather than mum and dad. You can’t really change that without one parent looking tight and your h won’t want to look like he’s spoiling the younger ones over his older one either. Yanbu to suggest some gifts are opened at MIL’s house when your kids aren’t there so they don’t see the blatant favouritism.

I wonder if they feel sorry for DSS not living with both his parents, and are trying to compensate for that?
Has DH ever asked them why they do this?

Probably in part why, less. But it doesn't seem a good reason to me to put one child on a pedestal at the expense of others. DH has never asked why but did once attempt to explain DC was feeling left out. MIL changed her behaviour for a bit but it soon dropped off.

I would do anything for dsd, even have her live with us and quit work to care for her (adult, severe sn) but just one Christmas perhaps her mum would have her, I'd love to go to my DD's overseas but can't because it would mean leaving dsd in her care home

Could you not go abroad alone and leave DH to care for DSD? What SN does she have? Kindly, would she even realise the significance of being in her care home over Christmas? In fact might she be happier in more familiar surroundings?

@BahHumbug24 How frustrating. Their behaviour is very silly. Doesn’t sound like they will listen to their own son while they are so focused on the ex.

@doglover92 Maddening. If this was my son I’d be mortified by his rudeness. What does DH say when he makes these comments?

I honestly could have written your post, OP, as it's so close to how my PIL are with my DSC versus the children that DH and I have together. My oldest DSS is 13 and gets the most, he is very clearly favoured and she will frequently buy him really expensive things, she also gets my 8 year old DSS lots but not to quite the same extent. She will have them for sleepovers regularly and take them on days out, she has taken my 3 year old out once. She always had a tradition to take DSC out every year at Christmas to the panto, she took DD3 last year which is the one and only time she has ever taken her anywhere. This year she decided not to take any of them as DSS13 is not wanting to go now as he's older and DSS8 was going with his school to the one she would have been booking. She has no interest in doing anything with my DDs. She even started bringing them gifts to our house which she would give them in front of my DDs and now DD3 is at the point of asking why she hasn't got her anything.
DH has raised it with her a number of times now and she always says the right things to him in response but nothing changes. It's infuriating and I have genuinely considered leaving over it because I don't know how else to protect my children from constantly being ignored by their grandparents while they see their older brothers being spoiled and treated to all this nice things and given so much time and attention (FIL and MIL have separated but strangely they both do this - FIL bought a £100 gift for oldest DSS for Christmas and bought DDs a £10 small teddy-MIL is far worse though as it's so visible because she wants to see DSSs so much).

Oh and we have DSSs full time.

@Jiminyilgrillo it's so sad to see isn't it? What I struggle with is my two actually compete for their attention and ask why they can't go and see their DGP when DSS is.

You've reminded me that once DH was taking DSS somewhere and so PIL offered to take my oldest (but not youngest DC). Nursery worker asked where my oldest was, I told them - they were horrified they had left one behind and said youngest DC is no bother and they wouldn't have let them just take one.

Christmas was more unsuitable gifts - whereas DSS they watch with bated breath and ask if anything needs returning.

While I don't disagree that your inlaws are generally behaving unfairly, this example shows the nursery worker as very unprofessional.

Phew- I feel we all need a Christmas debrief as a step parent- there are so many moving parts- and from reading these posts everyone's situation is so different!

This was our second Christmas living together as a step family- and I was determined not to get stressed, and to have it planned out etc.

It's been so bonkers I can't recount everything. But we're 4 kids, 3 extra parents on the scene. Other half siblings on the other side. And plenty of grandparents and cousins etc.

The best bit about the holidays is DP has been wonderful and we're still going strong. My dc are doing well so that's great. Also spent lots of time with extended family which was great.

The worst bit: My step kids are absolutely doing my head in and it's making me really grumpy.

I'm just constantly questioning what the point of it all is - but I've made a commitment to DP. I do want to be with him. I know he has children. I just can't square that all in my own head that I have to massively put myself and my children out just to look after his children, because I want to be with him.

I'm trying but I'm struggling.

It's sad but it also makes me so angry, and also angry at DH. He has raised it with MIL at least 3 times but I don't understand where his anger is at seeing his daughters treated as lesser. My daughter (well the oldest, the youngest is too wee to notice yet) is also asking why she can't go and tries desperately to get her grandma's attention when she's around, it worries me for their future, growing up being ignored and rejected by someone who they love, seeing their older brothers lavished with love and attention and gifts and wondering why they aren't worthy of it. I very seriously consider leaving just so I can take them away from it all and it is still very possible that I may end up doing that if I feel it's what is best for my daughters. My mum pointed out to me recently that MIL is knowingly doing this as DH has spoken to her and made her aware of her own behaviour and how damaging it is, yet she continues. Oldest DSS's birthday is very soon as well, which is another time it becomes obvious as when it is one of DSSs' birthdays, she will buy both of them gifts so that the other doesn't feel left out but not my daughters. On one hand I don't agree with that anyway and I don't want them to expect gifts on the birthday of someone else but it's the double standards and yet another opportunity to highlight the difference in how she views and treats them.

As someone who grew up being non favourite kid by parent, step parent, and step grand parents please don’t subject your kids to this on Christmas Day. We spent Christmas with my step dad’s parents. After watching my younger step sister open fun gifts all morning ( I did get gifts but it was mostly stuff I needed, but to be fair I was older and past toys) I would watch my step sister open toy after toy, while I got a stocking full of chocolate at the grandparents place. I would have nothing to do, just had to sit there.

@Jiminyilgrillo I often think that too when it starts to get to me. Like the other day when DH announced he was off to PIL with DSS but insinuated our two DC couldn't go - I said no, either take the DC or stay here. I wonder if we spilt up if my DC would be promoted overnight..! I find it difficult to explain why DSS spends time with PIL and gets gifts that mine don't without saying "because your DGP kiss his arse.."

I think grandparents can be like this when all GC are with same parents - it is just an age thing. A 15 year old is objectively a lot easier to have around than a toddler.

My in laws would only have one of my DC at a time as they found all 3 too much - maybe it is that?

My dh was oldest dgc and favoured by fil’s dp’s.
One Christmas dh got a beautiful pedal car and his db was given a 10 shilling note.
Apparently my usually v. quiet dfil walked to his dp’s house with the pedal car and the note. He threw the car onto the kitchen floor and slammed the note on the worktop and told his dp’s to treat his sons equally or not at all.
That was in the 1960’s, some dh’s today need to be more assertive.

My two DC combined are much easier than DSS who is spoilt

Good for them! My parents and family treat ALL the DC the same.