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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Out of touch with teen behaviour - is this normal?

46 replies

MerryDartmus · 21/12/2024 22:48

I have 2 adult dcs who live with me (while they are saving up to move out). We all work full time out of the house.

Dp moved in mainly due to Covid so he's been here a few years now. He moved into my house.

Everything was fine till his kids hit teenage years. They are now 13 and 14 and have suddenly got incredibly loud. They seem to be up half the night on the phone to their friends, they get up and make food in the night. This doesn't bother Dp and it doesn't bother their mother when they are at home but it keeps me and my adult dd awake at night. Dp is a far deeper sleeper than us.

This has all come to a head as one of them was screaming a song on a phone call and I woke up dp (we have always agreed we tell our own kids off). He went upstairs to tell them to quieten down and they've insisted it's not them making the noise but my dd (who was asleep) and one of them got in hysterical screaming tears insisting she goes home.

I just personally don't want to be woken up in the middle of the night and I don't think I'm being unreasonable wanting them not to scream past 10pm. And it's real proper shrieking screaming. I'm not saying they can't do anything but speaking so loud at say 1am I just think is not right.

I can see Dp is upset as his kids are upset. One of them was on a sleepover last week and the mother of that child insisted they went to bed at 1030pm so I really don't think it can be that unusual wanting them in bed quietly at a reasonable time? Or am I totally out of touch?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Octavia64 · 21/12/2024 22:58

Yes.

However you are not unreasonable to ask them to be quiet at night.

Noise cancelling headphones for both them and you go a long way.

Guest100 · 21/12/2024 23:01

I would set a few family rules that everyone is expected to follow.
You can ask your DP to find his own place if you like.

Louisetheroux · 21/12/2024 23:01

No, I don't think that's normal. DD is arising 14 and her phone switches off at 10pm on a school night, 11pm otherwise. There's no screeching or getting up in the night.

leccybill · 21/12/2024 23:02

Indoor/quiet voices at night time.
I'm with you, I'd be raging.
I have a 14yo, 10pm is her bedtime, no phones in bedroom either.

fashionqueen0123 · 21/12/2024 23:03

No they’re taking the piss. He needs to tell them to be quiet and at that age I would remove phones before bed.

zzplea · 21/12/2024 23:05

They're 13 and 14. Why is their father in bed and asleep before they are? Tell him to parent his children.

Original poster

MerryDartmus · 21/12/2024 23:05

Thanks, this is v useful perspective!

The rules are there, they just don't always follow them. They do phone calls like they do on the apprentice with their phones held out in front of them so they don't use headphones.

Dp has confiscated their phones before but the big issue is that they are allowed to do this at their home so they resent the tougher rules here.

And yes if it continues to cause problems, dp will have to find his own place but I am hoping we can sort it.

OP posts:

britespark1 · 21/12/2024 23:05

THEY are being unreasonable. My nearly 13 and 14 yr old DCs put their phones on charge on the landing at 9/9.30. No phones in their bedroom past bedtimes

Reversetail · 21/12/2024 23:07

Not normal at that age to be up so late on a regular basis shrieking on their phones no. And why did they get so upset when asked to stop?

BlueSilverCats · 21/12/2024 23:12

Normal for teens with no boundaries or internet/gadget controls and rules.

DD's phone goes away at 9(the latest) on a school night.

Later at the weekend/on holidays , but no calls after 9:30 in general, or 10 at the latest on the odd occasion.

TinyMouseTheatre · 21/12/2024 23:13

I can imagine it's difficult when they are allowed their phones at night when they are with their DM.

Could your DP talk to them about how they are old enough to realise that different homes have different rules?

I have two slightly older DC and they didn't have their phones at night until they were around 16.

I'd say 10pm would be the absolute latest I'd be willing to let them have it at that age and that would only be because it's the holidays.

Edingril · 21/12/2024 23:15

I have an older teenager they go to sleep at normal bed time and wake up the next day have been doing it since they were born

No what is going on for you does not sound normal

PrincessOfPreschool · 21/12/2024 23:18

I have twins just turned 16. There is no screaming! They go on Snapchat a bit or Tik tok but no phones in rooms after a certain time either (later for hols). They are asleep by 11 on school nights, usually 10.30. Holidays might be midnight latest.

WonderingWanda · 21/12/2024 23:18

Why have they got their phones at night? And why are they allowed to be up and about all night, they aren't 18 year olds they are children. Does this happen on school nights as well? It's your house, you need to make the rules. Lights out at x time and they aren't allowed back downstairs, phones taken to bed with you and Internet switched off. If they go downstairs and start making midnight food then keep the phones for the next day. By the way my 15 y/o leaves his phone downstairs and goes to bed by 10 on a school night and is never up after us.

WonderingWanda · 21/12/2024 23:22

In fact if they refuse to follow your rules and wake you in the night I would drive them back to their mother and wake her up in the middle of the night by banging on her door. I teach teens and when I do residential for any kids below 6th form we collect the phones at night.

MauveVelcro · 21/12/2024 23:25

I think an odd instance of being too loud at an unreasonable time is 'normal', yes (also undesirable, but normal). I've certainly told off teen dc in my time for shouting into their headset at close to midnight, anyway (in school holidays).

What's not normal imo is the reaction to being told off that you describe. Insisting it's not them, then hysterical screaming tears? WTF is that about?

On the odd occasion I've had to tell a teenager to shut the hell up, it's 11pm, they've known they were in shit before I even opened their door. And they were very apologetic, accepted the bollocking graciously, then apologised again and promised they'd be silent.

Even a whiff of back chat (never mind hysterics!) and I'd have had their room stripped of tech before they could blink.

YouMeandBrie · 21/12/2024 23:26

My older teen ds is allowed to stay up late at the weekends and is sometimes loud while playing games so I can understand this whereas my other ds doesn’t game or have social media at all through personal choice so I have one of each extreme.

We don’t have our phones in bedrooms and luckily have quite a big house so ds1 does this in his own lounge and we don’t have to listen to it but I can see how it would be annoying when you are trying to sleep. It must be tricky in a blended family, if it was your own dc you’d just tell them to sssh but as is, you feel like you can’t, especially if it will cause issues with dh’s relationship with them.

Mykittensmittens · 21/12/2024 23:27

13 and 15’s here. I must be draconian.

no phones in rooms. No phone while we are watching something together (i.e. today we watched a film 8-9.30,no phones, they then had a bit of time on them but at 10.20 we all went to bed and all phones are charged in the kitchen or office downstairs).

no keeping of anyone else awake anytime. On either side! Sleepovers are respectfully quiet when others are in bed (and the 15 year old frequently has friends stay, so it can’t be that bad. Way more they choose to be here than she goes to others!) and equally I wouldn’t have socials wild enough to keep anyone else awake either who was trying to sleep in our house.

SleepPrettyDarling · 21/12/2024 23:32

In their mother’s house, is it just them and her?

Teens with younger siblings don’t get to do this. DD18 sometimes is on late calls with her friends but she knows it’s quiet time. YANBU to dislike the disruption but your DP IBU for ignoring it.

Babyghirl · 21/12/2024 23:33

@MerryDartmus I had this issue with ss, only it was 4 in the morning still on his ps, he would only stay if a friend could stay, I had work at 8 the next morning he was 13 at the time, dp was not for waking well I went in to the room and turned it off, I'm not going to lay being kept awake just to keep ss happy, my dp had no rules as he was ascared of him not coming back, he's 17 now and dosnt stay anymore.

SequoiaTree · 21/12/2024 23:33

No, not at all normal. Unless you'd just always let them behave antisocially they'd know not to do it.

MumonabikeE5 · 21/12/2024 23:35

It is not healthy behaviour,
where are the boundaries? Why have they access to WiFi/devices after bedtime? They are causing lasting damage, and impeding their ability to study and concentrate.

SequoiaTree · 21/12/2024 23:36

I've got an attached neighbour with 2 in their late teens /early 20s and so have I. They've been there years and they've never let their dc do that and nor have i. The walls aren't particularly thin but I'm sure I'd have heard shrieking in the night

Tangelablue · 21/12/2024 23:39

Are they being so loud on purpose, so they have to be challenged? If you want your relationship to survive it might be best for him to move out, especially with the set up that you don't parent his children but they stay under your roof.

Tittat50 · 21/12/2024 23:42

I think you need to be firm on what you need. I would not tolerate this well at all. I can't cope with loud screeching and hate it when late or super early.

Agree with husband a reasonable time for phones away. My child is primarily with his dad and stepmum and they have to have certain rules because of younger kids. ( Gaming mainly has to stop a certain time because it always involves shouting). For both families( here and at dads ) we usually say phones away in kitchen by 9pm.

It's difficult when rules are wildly different because you're going to get more push back. I really don't think it's unreasonable at all to say this is the time phones go away. On a weekday it's about 8pm here and both families agree. On wknds holidays a bit more flexibility but that's usually 9pm. Mine is 13 yes old.

You'll get very resentful if you don't set a rule and get husband to back it up. You can kindly explain the reason to the kids.

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