Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Out of touch with teen behaviour - is this normal?

46 replies

MerryDartmus · 21/12/2024 22:48

I have 2 adult dcs who live with me (while they are saving up to move out). We all work full time out of the house.

Dp moved in mainly due to Covid so he's been here a few years now. He moved into my house.

Everything was fine till his kids hit teenage years. They are now 13 and 14 and have suddenly got incredibly loud. They seem to be up half the night on the phone to their friends, they get up and make food in the night. This doesn't bother Dp and it doesn't bother their mother when they are at home but it keeps me and my adult dd awake at night. Dp is a far deeper sleeper than us.

This has all come to a head as one of them was screaming a song on a phone call and I woke up dp (we have always agreed we tell our own kids off). He went upstairs to tell them to quieten down and they've insisted it's not them making the noise but my dd (who was asleep) and one of them got in hysterical screaming tears insisting she goes home.

I just personally don't want to be woken up in the middle of the night and I don't think I'm being unreasonable wanting them not to scream past 10pm. And it's real proper shrieking screaming. I'm not saying they can't do anything but speaking so loud at say 1am I just think is not right.

I can see Dp is upset as his kids are upset. One of them was on a sleepover last week and the mother of that child insisted they went to bed at 1030pm so I really don't think it can be that unusual wanting them in bed quietly at a reasonable time? Or am I totally out of touch?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AllYearsAround · 21/12/2024 23:52

Your DP shouldn't be going to bed before his kids do!
They shouldn't have phones in bed and they need to be quiet 10pm-7am.
I have a 14 year old and the phone is off 9pm-7am.

ManchesterLu · 21/12/2024 23:53

When I was younger, we had a burglar alarm that got set at night, so once my parents were upstairs there was no sneaking down for food as the downstairs alarms were set. We were also expected to be quiet once our parents were in bed. We could read in bed if we wanted to, but couldn't do anything to keep anyone else awake.

I think that's just basic courtesy.

Teens don't need to be running up and down stairs all night, or talking to their friends on the phone.

It's rude.

pumpkinpillow · 21/12/2024 23:56

Octavia64 · 21/12/2024 22:58

Yes.

However you are not unreasonable to ask them to be quiet at night.

Noise cancelling headphones for both them and you go a long way.

OP should not have to wear headphones at night to allow teenagers to shout.

pumpkinpillow · 22/12/2024 00:00

I have a teenager and an adult son. After a certain time in the evening things quieten down.
I understand that they may want to stay up later than me or go down in the night for a drink or to use the bathroom, but common courtesy and respect means they don't wake the rest of the household up.

BananagramBadger · 22/12/2024 00:00

I have a similar aged teen. He goes to bed at around 9.30, no screens upstairs, usually reads for a bit and conks out. Does have an Alexa and plays some music but not loud and not past 10.
Gets way too much screen time in the day so not a model child or anything. Tends to get up at 7 and straight onto Fortnite/Sports games, usually with friends.

I expect yours are doing it on purpose to cause conflict. DP needs to step up.

Petrasings · 22/12/2024 00:12

This is completely unacceptable.
Our teens are not allowed their phones in their rooms after 9pm. 9.45pm at the weekends. The kitchen is closed after 8pm and tidy. Everyone is in bed reading at 10pm onwards unless they are at a party.

You need far firmer rules for your house, and properly enforced. We had the same system all the way through to uni. By then good habits and behaviour were established.

comedycentral · 22/12/2024 00:15

They are way to young to have phones in their bedrooms overnight, this is something all parents need to be on the same page about. Not only will it be stopping them going to sleep, they could be accessing all sorts of content and dangerous online situations.

sprigatito · 22/12/2024 00:17

It's normal for teenagers to try this shit on, and it's normal for them to be met with an almighty bollocking and told never to do it again. Your DH needs to be managing their behaviour. If they can't behave like considerate human beings, then they can't use devices while others are trying to sleep. Threatening to go back to mum's if he doesn't knuckle under to them is also normal, but he can't allow himself to be cowed by it. That's terrible for them as well as for everyone else. They need him to be their dad, not their butler.

Petrasings · 22/12/2024 00:39

Your dp and his ex are far far too lax to the point of negligence. He is not parenting them at all. They shouldn’t be eating or screaming at all hours. It’s really bad for their digestive systems and sleep. Being left to be on their phones all night is dreadful for their health and they will suffer academically. This is just dreadful all round, and there is no way I could put up with it.

LadyQuackBeth · 22/12/2024 07:16

It's only normal for completely unparented teens. I have a 13yo and there's no way she'd even be awake at 1am, let alone screaming on the phone.

It doesn't matter if they are allowed to do this at their mum's. They have behaved badly, woken people up and there are consequences for that.

I can't believe at 1am your DP just told them to be a bit quieter, he should have told them to get to sleep.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 22/12/2024 08:05

MerryDartmus · 21/12/2024 23:05

Thanks, this is v useful perspective!

The rules are there, they just don't always follow them. They do phone calls like they do on the apprentice with their phones held out in front of them so they don't use headphones.

Dp has confiscated their phones before but the big issue is that they are allowed to do this at their home so they resent the tougher rules here.

And yes if it continues to cause problems, dp will have to find his own place but I am hoping we can sort it.

Teens pushing the boundaries is very normal developmentally. The issue is that he needs to parent. It is harder if you have a more permissive ex, but doesn't excuse letting other people in the household be impacted by this. If they're going to be up the very least he should be doing is making sure they're quiet. I'd start waking him everytime they wake you , make it his problem. He'll probably be more egar to do something about it once it's impacting his sleep.

CatEatDogWorld · 22/12/2024 12:41

12 and14 yr old here: Phones in hallway at 8pm every night, unless they are out at clubs and then they put them on when they get home. In their bedrooms by 9pm, allowed to watch TV, asleep by 10.30pm usually. Phone rule 9pm in holidays, bedroom by 10pm.

No phone in morning until totally ready for school. In the holidays, no phone in the morning until they have had breakfast and brushed teeth.

No going back down to the kitchen after bedtime. No ongoing shrieking into phones, to the point where it disturbs others, at any time of day. They can speak to others/play games without that volume.

I’m not an especially strict parent either, but when all living together (in a house that isn’t especially big) we need to be considerate of each other, and my DC need breaks from those constantly pinging phones at times.

PickledOwl1 · 22/12/2024 12:48

lol - I don't allow this from my 18 year old! He will game on his room and I turn a deaf ear until 11pm when I'll tell him to quieten down. He will always say ' yes sure' and I then don't tend to hear anything else.

On the odd occasion that I do, he's told again and that generally does the trick

So yes it's normal for them to shout / talk loudly etc but 13 is a bit young. I wouldn't have been asleep in bed before kids that age.

It's more than reasonable to tell them they can knock themselves out until 10.30pm but after that, you don't expect to hear them.

A longer term solution is going to be your partner moving out if they don't stop. Living as a family involves compromise and you shouldn't be being kept awake

MostlyGhostly · 22/12/2024 16:11

Not normal OP. My teen DSCs live with us and are shriekers and screamers but if they try this on while DH and/or I are in the same room or in bed he bollocks them. They rarely do it when it's just me with them. The 15 year old gets told to turn all tech off and go to sleep at 10pm which he does because he likes to be up in time for a shower and breakfast before he has to get the train to school. The 17yo also keeps quiet from like 10m and if she's having a sleep over they all have to be quiet after we go to bed. Your DH and his ex are lazy parents I'm afraid

Blanketssese · 25/12/2024 23:04

Absolutely not normal and completely unreasonable.

Sounds like you have another lazy man who is a crap parent who found a woman to house his children.

I wonder what your children think of your choices?

Funny how these guys always find a woman with a house to move into to house their children.🙄

I feel sorry for your children, thats for sure.

Not a chance we would tolerate this from our children.
Phones off at 8-9pm at that age.

But then we parent our children and insist they have consideration of others.

No way are they up cooking at night either.🙄

Emanwenym · 26/12/2024 13:02

Funny how these guys always find a woman with a house to move into to house their children.🙄
This. Bet he's not paying his/their share either.

SpringleDingle · 07/01/2025 16:21

Not normal. DD is 13, nearly 14 and there is lots of evening shrieking with her friends but it's quiet time after 9 - 9:30pm (I do allow a bit later of a weekend / special occasion) so I can go to bed. I'd be stomping about yelling at her if she woke me up! It's about respect for the household. Even my 11 year old nephew knows that he can't go on his console and yell with his friends before 9am on a Saturday morning becuase my sister is sleeping (he is notmally yelling by 9:02)

MeridianB · 07/01/2025 17:40

zzplea · 21/12/2024 23:05

They're 13 and 14. Why is their father in bed and asleep before they are? Tell him to parent his children.

This.

No more phones in rooms at night. Your DP needs to ensure bed happens at a reasonable time before he goes to sleep. Consequences for behaviour that wakes others.

You absolutely do not need to consider what their other parent's house rules are - these are irrelevant. Just set the boundaries you want.

I do wonder about the comments from other posters about what your DP contributes generally - is he a proper parent? Does he spend quality time with his children 2:1 and 1:1? Cook and clean for them? Pay his way?

SeanMean · 07/01/2025 17:54

leccybill · 21/12/2024 23:02

Indoor/quiet voices at night time.
I'm with you, I'd be raging.
I have a 14yo, 10pm is her bedtime, no phones in bedroom either.

Same here

PLHJ84 · 07/01/2025 17:59

No, my daughter is 14 & she does not get up during the night. Phone is off at bedtime & not in her room overnight & if she is on a call she does not scream on it! I wouldn’t tolerate it.

Crazyworldmum · 07/01/2025 22:37

I actually have a similar issue although my step son is older now , he is allowed to stay up all night at his mums paying games and talking with his friends .
As he lives abroad , when he comes to stay it tends to be a few weeks or months so it did affect us to start with .
I ended up having a word with hubby and he told him it’s not acceptable , if he wants to play or talk he needs to do it without waking up others . Thankfully he is a good kid that is respectful and accepted the rules are different without much of a fuss .
Has for being the norm , no I don’t think it is but I don’t particularly like to go against his mum wishes although I’m far from being a fan of how she brings her children up in some aspects . But I adore the boy anyway and he is not with us for long periods of time so I don’t want him to resent me or his step siblings / half siblings . We have a pretty amazing relationship and I want to keep it that way

Flip

1 2