Step parents and birthdays

[Sdfgg123]

My 13yo DSC lives is with us FT. I've been in their life for around 5 year, living with them for more than 2. DH works and I'm a SAHM. I do everything for my step child. I prepare 3 meals a day, clean up after them, do their laundry, check their homework, revise for exams with them. In the past I did more for them including taking them out at my own expense, and planning things for their birthday. But since I had my own child both my time and finances have been limited and I've had to pull back a little.

I've just realised today that they very seldom think of me. They've never gifted me anything (even a card, or thinking back even acknowledged) for my birthday. They leave their dirty washing for me to clean, and dirty plates in the sink, just with the unspoken expectation that I will clean up after them. It's the Xmas holidays now, and they're waking up and coming down close to mid day asking for breakfast (tuna sandwiches, egg), instead of making themselves toast or cereal.

I didn't know what I was walking into before, but I can feel the resentment build up. They're not a bad child. Generally polite and respectful, just not very considerate.

Not sure what I want or am expecting from this post. Please be kind.

Have they been raised to do any of that themselves? Most children don't wake up one day and decide they are going to be independent with all the things you mentioned, they have to be taught it over years.

The parents that don't bother to do this then send out useless young adults into the world and they either learn fast or become a burden to whoever they do on to have relationships with.

The no card etc is on their dad. I always ask my step kids if they've got both parents birthday cards/Christmas cards etc to make sure no one gets left out. I couldn't expect school kids buying a card for someone. In relation to the laziness I can understand why they would grate on you but it's like the above poster has said. Dad needs to set some ground rules with them in relation to cleaning up after themselves.

Agree with PP. I'd argue that most people take the path of least resistance that they can get away with. If no one is expecting her to take some responsibility and help out then she probably won't. You need to ask or tell her to do these things.

You've talked about DSC - whose life has changed considerably in a few years not least with a new baby. Why haven't you mentioned your DH? What's he doing about DSC? It sounds like you have full responsibility for both children plus the house? Is money shared?

The dad has to go out and do his very important man job, he isn't responsible for raising his children!! All the wife work must be done by the new partner, and any blame for the current situation must clearly be placed on the step child!

Many thanks for the responses.

The thing is I do tell them. Daily. To bring down their dirty laundry, to clean their room, to put dirty dishes in the sink and not to leave them on aide tables (and to wash glasses), not to leave their clothes strewn around downstairs. I'm actively trying to change behaviours. And while some things have changed (they no longer roam around inside the house with shoes on for example), most things haven't.

I understand my husband's style of parenting historically is a factor here. But I cannot change the past.

But what is your husband's style of parenting currently?

Well most of the actual parenting falls on me at the moment. He gives me free reign to parent as I see fit and generally doesn't stand in my way when I'm telling DSC to do stuff around the house (he supports me and often repeats what I'm asking of them). But he's working away most of the time and it all falls on me. I didn't imagine this set up to be honest. I feel stupid the way I've slept walked into it.

Over the Xmas holidays ask your DH to spend some time with his DC showing them how to do laundry, clean up and make basic meals.

These are bonding tasks for the two of them, valuable life skills for your DSC and as a bonus, they'll get some chores done and be capable of doing them in the future.

This is all part and parcel of parenting; it's his job, let him do it.

You're in a really vulnerable position not working. Do you have access to money? You mentioned previously that you have had to scale back spending. Your DH is on to a good thing - you look after the house and parent both his children whilst he progresses his career. You say he gives you free reign to make decisions about DSC as if he's doing you a favour rather than completely absolving himself of responsibility. Can you go back to work?

Their expectations are correct. They leave stuff that their arse and expect you to pick it up and you do. Stop doing everything for them. If they don't bring down their washing they don't have clean clothes. Not your problem. At 13 I'd be expecting them to do their own washing and take on some other chores around the house. Regarding their room, this was a battle DH and I decided not to have. If my stepson wants to live in a pigsty that's his problem.

Have a cardboard box that all of their stuff they l wve lying around gets fling into and empty it onto their bed every night. Either they'll get the message and start picking up after themselves or they won't but you'll have a tidy house.

I agree with the other posters. Your DH has done a shitty job raising her and has now dumped all responsibility onto you. He really needs to step up and start being a parent.

Most 13 year olds are like this. Your own children will most likely be like this as well. Don't direct your resentment toward the kid - direct it forwards yourself and your husband as you are the ones who raised them to be like this.

I asked him yesterday if he washed his own dishes before I moved in, and he said he did.

I feel like I exist here for their convenience only. And in return I get so little acknowledgement, much less consideration.

Honestly sounds like a pretty typical teenager to me. My dsc are 21 and 19 these days, although no longer with their dad I am still a big part of their lives and without promoting they probably wouldn't acknowledge my birthday now or when we were together and i have been in their lives since they were 9 and nearly 7.

Ultimately they are the product of their upbringing so if you keep doing it for them they will keep letting you. When they have no pants to wear they might start to click!!

The children can’t be expected to show any more consideration and appreciation to you than they would their own parent. They didn’t ask for this situation and nothing you describe about their behaviour is unusual.

The child's behaviour seems age appropriate, even if you were their biological parent. It sounds like you expect a level of gratefulness from them for being a SAHP when kids that age don't think that way and honestly they weren't involved in that decision.

Do you see the child as a burden now you have your own?

The birthday part is your DH's fault. He needs to organise your SS into doing it.
The rest is down to both you and your DH. It sounds like pretty normal thoughtless teenage behaviour to me. When your SS leaves dirty plates lying around, you could just say calmly "Oh, you’ve forgotten to sort out your plate. Please could you do it now?" (if that’s important to you. I’m not sure it would be to me.) If he asks you to make him meals at non-mealtimes, why don’t you just say no? He's walking all over you because you’re letting him.

I don’t know, and have never known, any 13-year-olds who do all their own washing, separately from the rest of the family.

I did my own washing from about age 12, so did my brothers. My DSS has done his own washing since he was 13 as well.

If your husband is working away a lot of the time, why are they even there when he's not? Contact time is for him to see them, not you. None of what you're describing is your responsibility.

Because DSC is with us FT. They very rarely see their mum.

Ah, sorry OP. That must be hard.

You need a detailed and agreed plan with DH. Then together speak to the DC on the unfairness of the current situation. Your DH needs to spell out what consideration and gratitude looks like in terms of giving back and acknowledging what you do
This isn't just about you. It's about providing a model for all relationships . A valuable life lesson .

This is going to be a long hard road. I think you need to go back to work. It's going to be very hard to change the dynamic. You need to give the child set chores but it going to be very hard to make them do it.

The 13 year old sounds completely normal for his age - but it is good for him, and the rest of you, to keep teaching him to clean up after himself and to be considerate.

its like you have scaffolding around his life to help him but you are gradually taking it away.

I give my 13 year old son a list of jobs he has to do everyday before he can do gaming - like homework, pack schoolbag, get clothes ready for tomorrow, unload the dishwasher etc.

it would never occur to my son to get me a gift and he is not grateful for any work i do! But as long as he is making an effort to help a bit and not being very rude then that’s fine.