Step Grandparents

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Hi.

Hopefully someone can help me navigate my confusion and what I can do.

so my husband has 4 kids - my eldest stepson (I’ll call him John), isn’t my husband’s biological son, but raised him as his own and 3 biological children, including my 7 year old (so I have 3 step kids). John see’s my husband as his dad. When John was little, he ended up being raised by his grandparents due to an HCBM.

Fast forward to now, he is 25 and has a beautiful little girl, however this little girls mum won’t let us spend 1-1 time with her (she is almost 2 and goes to nursery independently, stays at bio mum’s parents regularly). We have tried and tried, to no avail. We send presents, go and visit and always offer and FaceTime each week, but they never bother with us, it’s always us making an effort.

LO’s mum is lovely with us when we see her, but when we ask to spend time with LO, she says it makes her feel anxious. I’ve tried to get her to open up, but as she fell pregnant the moment they met, we didn’t actually meet her until she was 6 months gone, so never had the opportunity. I’ve offered to take her shopping, meals out to get to know her.

the point now, is that John has said we are grandparents, but we don’t have an official title (although we write this in any cards or presents). Mum just doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge us really as grandparents (maybe she thinks because we aren’t biologically related).

We have kind of given up, which is awful, but we just don’t know where we stand. No, she isn’t my granddaughter, but I do try as I’ve done with all my step kids and we all have a lovely relationship now.

the other issue I have, is that HCBM hasn’t met our little one, John said she lost that right. But, we feel like outsiders, which doesn’t help. I’m also not particularly close to John, but as we’ve known each other for 13 years, we get on more as friends.

so this is my question:

1. Should we promote our titles more (Grams and Grumps) onto little one or should we let nature take it’s course? Which could mean little one calls us by our names?
2. I don’t really feel I have the right, but my husband feels the same. We’ve had several chats with John, but this results in an argument between him and his partner as he defends us, which we don’t want to cause. Does anyone have any suggestions in how I should navigate this or should we back off completely?

thank you.

What is HCBM?

High conflict biological mum. Sorry!

By 1-on-1 do you mean seeing the child without the parents present? Why do you need this? Many grandparents don't see the children without the parents present.
If you just mean spending time with her, just keep on visiting like you have been.

Yes I am aware that this happens and that wasn’t my question - I think that we put in a great deal of effort, but it seems bio mum doesn’t want us involved, because we aren’t biological. How do we navigate this?

Something about your post is coming across as a bit overbearing. Why are you trying to take a small child out on their own if the mum is uncomfortable? This alone is enough to make most mums pull back from you.

You don’t need to see her without her parents, why would you want that? You also can’t enforce grandparent titles.

I'm not sure why you think that you should be seeing the child without the parents present? They are still young. Just continue having a relationship and see where it goes, I never stayed at my paternal grandparents ever, it's not a given

For how long was John raised by his (maternal? Paternal?) grandparents?
How much time did he spend in your DH's household being raised by him, despite not being his biological son?
And when you say 'our little one', the child that John says his mother has 'lost the right to meet', do you mean the child you have with your DH, ie, his half-sibling, or his own child?

It might be that the version of John's childhood that he's shared with his new partner doesn't completely align with the version you and your DH see - which might explain why she doesn't automatically see you two as grandparent figures. You say yourself that you're not particularly close to John, and presumably she's already got two sets of biological grandparents (plus the great-grandparents who raised John?) to deal with. I think the best you can do is carry on with cards/gifts/general interest but dial back the Grams and Grumps business, and let them decide how you fit into their set-up.

What does John and his partner want, are they happy with a nan and grandad title or would they prefer something else?
I'd go along with whatever they would prefer and stop trying to push the one on one.
You sound like you are taking this all really personally. I have a stepdaughter and my son has a stepdad.. This has been the case for 10 years plus and I've never let my husband's family refer to themselves as grandparents to my son either because they're not. I don't see the big deal.

Thank you all for your advice. I just suppose I don’t know how to navigate this. John wants us involved and regularly says we are her grandparents, but we then get different ideas from his partner - we’ve only offered to have her once for half an hour, just to test the waters, but that was refused. We’ve never forced ourselves on them to be LO grandparents, I’m happy to let it all happen as nature intends. I just need help in navigating this as I’m not sure whether to offer support or not.

Well you don’t want to cause upset between them to don’t try and push in where John’s partner isn’t comfortable. It’s unclear to me if they have a relationship with John’s mother?

The partner may feel they have enough grandparents in their lives and while many people feel the more people who love and see their child the better she may not be one of them. We tend to want our children to be around people we’re close to, if she doesn’t feel she had much of a bond with you before she had her child she may not find it natural to do so now.

Who picked the grams and grumps thing, you or them? Did you come across offended when they declined the one to one time you requested?

What I’m getting at is do all of you feel you have a normal family type relationship that predates the baby or is there a chance she thinks you see her as a baby provider and only want this level of involvement as a means to get close to the child while not maintaining as much interest in them as a family.

Why do you want 1:1 time? How often do you see the LO?

I am still unclear on some points. Is John's partner preventing you from seeing the child at all (you mention in the original post that you visit so I presume not?), or just seeing her without the parents?
I hear that you are frustrated they don't proactively seek your company. All you can do on that point is continue to be as welcoming and open as possible without trying to push their boundaries, because it will only make them more reluctant to see you.

Why? You don't describe your relationship with John as being parental in nature so it's not likely to lead naturally to a step grandparent relationship.

I would step back, I wouldn't be adding unrelated people to my childs life.

This little girl isn't even two yet, there's absolutely no need for you to be having time with her independent of her parents. I trusted my own mother with my children long before anyone else was ever allowed to have them for days out or time without me. Most women I know were the same.

In this instance, from the mums point of view, you have no biological relation to this child. Why would she facilitate you having her child alone when she doesn't know you that well?

As you said you don't really know John's partner very well so it's really up to John to facilitate a relationship with you. Stop putting the blame on her for a lack of relationship. If John sees you as grandparents why isn't he bringing his child to see you or inviting you over? Why does this have to be the mother's responsibility?

My oldest stepson isn't biologically my DHs but similar to your situation he's raised him since he was 2 and SS calls him dad, has his second name etc. He lives with us full-time. Regardless of biology, if he were to have a child we would both be grandparents. It's not something we feel we'd need permission to call ourselves because neither of us were biologically related. Family is more than biology.

Does she actually say her reason is biological or does she just feel anxious leaving her child with anybody at all apart from her parents who she has known all her life, and trusts? Some people are just like that when their children are small, it's not necessarily personal.

This is hurtful for your husband and I think it would be a good idea for him to talk to John about it, dad to son, and see if anything can be resolved. However it is a delicate situation as things stand and I am sorry it's turned out this way.

It may work out later on but I don't think there is anything you can do about it.

Just keep the lines of communication open, be friendly and get on with your lives and the other children.

Good luck.

You seem to see her regularly, so what's the actual problem?

If I'd only met you at 6 months pregnant I probably wouldn't be that keen on you having my toddler unsupervised either , just cos I wouldn't know you that well!

Totally disagree with this. My children’s grandparents are their emergency contacts in the event of my husband and I not being available, they are our babysitters, one set are our childcare 2 days a week. A healthy grandparent relationship does not require the parents to be present!!

Is she definitely your SS's child - I'd be very suspicious of that tbh. She sounds like she doesn't want your SS's family involved and you say she got pregnant very quickly. Honestly I'd be worried for my son in this situation

Are you allowed to spend time with her if she’s with her DM?

And your point is? In my family that's true too actually. I didn't say it could NEVER happen! But there is no rule saying it has to be true, especially if the grandparents in question don't know one of the parents very well and seem to be pushing to spend time alone with a child with whom they don't have that close relationship.

I have LG who is 19 months old. My Mum has watched her for an hour or so here and there, and my SIL has had her for a few hours, nobody has had her over night, it is not something wr regularly do. She goes to nursery 3 days a week whilst I work, those days I have with her are precious and I don't like giving them up. It might sound selfish, but 🤷‍♀️
I struggled with feeling pressured especially when she was small, and I had a good relationship with my husbands family as by the time she was born we'd been together 7 years. My top tips?
Text first, don't just drop round,
If John refers to you in front of baby and his partner as Gran and Grumps or whatever great, use it, otherwise stay ambiguous to titles, it will come or it won't.
Offer them to come round for a meal or offer to take them all out for a meal, less pressure if there's something else going on.
Don't be over bearingly clingy, but also don't fade away, if you haven't seen or heard from them, send a text checking in and always ask how everyone is. If you can you can also set up group chat with everyone in it, less pressure how to respond if it's not just up to 1 person.
Occasionally ask if they have any new photos, or photos of what they've been doing.

Key is, harder you push, more someone is likely to pull away. Also, don't forget your brain can be squiffy after having a baby, and innocent things can feel malicious etc, she might not mean to think and feel the way she does, but those feelings etc that appeared straight after birth can be hard to shake.

If you do really care about John and being in the child's life, take it slowly and don't rush or force it.

Good luck 😊

I wouldn't take it personally, most people on here seem to hate their in laws, bio or not

Nothing in your relationship will be improved by you going against the parent's wishes.

A grandparents role is to support the family however they want to be supported. So, stop pushing for 1:1 time. See your gd with her parents, and when you are there really work on the bond.

It's up to the parents what title you use. It doesn't matter to your relationship what title you get, so try not to worry about it.