Step Grandparents

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Hi.

Hopefully someone can help me navigate my confusion and what I can do.

so my husband has 4 kids - my eldest stepson (I’ll call him John), isn’t my husband’s biological son, but raised him as his own and 3 biological children, including my 7 year old (so I have 3 step kids). John see’s my husband as his dad. When John was little, he ended up being raised by his grandparents due to an HCBM.

Fast forward to now, he is 25 and has a beautiful little girl, however this little girls mum won’t let us spend 1-1 time with her (she is almost 2 and goes to nursery independently, stays at bio mum’s parents regularly). We have tried and tried, to no avail. We send presents, go and visit and always offer and FaceTime each week, but they never bother with us, it’s always us making an effort.

LO’s mum is lovely with us when we see her, but when we ask to spend time with LO, she says it makes her feel anxious. I’ve tried to get her to open up, but as she fell pregnant the moment they met, we didn’t actually meet her until she was 6 months gone, so never had the opportunity. I’ve offered to take her shopping, meals out to get to know her.

the point now, is that John has said we are grandparents, but we don’t have an official title (although we write this in any cards or presents). Mum just doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge us really as grandparents (maybe she thinks because we aren’t biologically related).

We have kind of given up, which is awful, but we just don’t know where we stand. No, she isn’t my granddaughter, but I do try as I’ve done with all my step kids and we all have a lovely relationship now.

the other issue I have, is that HCBM hasn’t met our little one, John said she lost that right. But, we feel like outsiders, which doesn’t help. I’m also not particularly close to John, but as we’ve known each other for 13 years, we get on more as friends.

so this is my question:

1. Should we promote our titles more (Grams and Grumps) onto little one or should we let nature take it’s course? Which could mean little one calls us by our names?
2. I don’t really feel I have the right, but my husband feels the same. We’ve had several chats with John, but this results in an argument between him and his partner as he defends us, which we don’t want to cause. Does anyone have any suggestions in how I should navigate this or should we back off completely?

thank you.

This.
Your projecting what you feel a grandparents role is, not what the parents need/ want.
Honestly if you keep pushing “alone time”
you’ll just push them further away.

A lot of grandparents don’t see their grandchildren on a 1 to 1. If you are seeing the grandchild often there is no problem.

What do you mean ‘HCBM hasn’t met our little one’? That reads like she hasn’t met you and OH’s child, and I was like ‘so?, he’s nothing to her’ unless you mean the step grandchild, in which case it’s an odd choice of phrase and I agree with the person who said you sound a little overbearing.

Look, you don’t know what John has said to the child’s mother about his relationship with you and your OH. I think there is possibly a clue in you saying that you and John aren’t that close, more like friends. Maybe John doesn’t see your OH as dad as much as he’s let on to you. Therefore they might not see you as grandparents in quite the same way.

I’m not entirely sure what you want out of this. You visit the child. The mother is nice to you when you do but she doesn’t want 1-1 time just now, which is normal. As others have said, 1-1 time with grandchildren, step or not. isn’t a given. You seem awfully keen to be heavily involved in the life of a child whose father you aren’t even that close to. You also can’t compel anyone to call you anything. Just keep doing as you are doing- being kind, interested, involved and building the young woman’s trust and I’m sure it will all work out.

No one, including blood Grandparents should be demanding alone time with children.

What are you planning on doing with the child that you can't do in front of their parents?

Absolutely nix this idea of needing to see her without her mum. You say yourself you don’t know her mother very well - if you want to promote a relationship with them both then offer to take them both / all three of them on outings.

My in laws (who I have known for 15 years and who have never given me any reason not to love and trust them) didn’t have my children without me present until they were close to five. I don’t feel comfortable leaving my children with people until they are old enough to let me know directly if they are comfortable.

I’m sure they felt a little bit put out - but ultimately they respect me, they adore their grandchildren and they were happy to respect it.

Why knows what childhood experiences of her own are impacting her comfort level. Meet her where she is at with love,
enthusiasm and respect. It’s hard to remember that that the only part of a relationship that we have control over is our own behaviour!

refer to yourselves as grandparents, take your son at face value. Love wholeheartedly on their terms if you want this relationship to grow.

I think you’re making this unnecessarily difficult OP. Just go with the flow.

we’ve only offered to have her once for half an hour, just to test the waters, but that was refused.

They haven't refused they've declined the offer. Why are you taking it so personally? And why do think so adamantly that she should accept your offers? I think you need to back off.

I think you are missing the point.
You can simultaneously be regarded as grandparents and not be allowed to have a 2yo on visits without its parents. Stop blaming it on not being a bio gparent and recognise that she/they have different ideas on what a GP relationship looks like.
And honestly, politeness is all I'd expect from her mum, you don't need to have a close 'let's go shopping' relationship, that's overboard and tbh comes across as pushy and weird.
You are making it sound like you can't be her grandparents if you aren't allowed to see her alone, that's daft, just back off and enjoy whatever kind of contact her parents are comfortable with.

How often did your husband see his step son if he was raised by his grandparents? How often is he in contact with him now, and how frequently does he see him?

My DD has a stepchild. We have known her for 12 years. She never calls us grandparents. Just uses our first names and thats perfectly fine with us.

Tbh it sounds like a not uncommon situation where the fathers parents just don't get to spend as much time with the GC as the maternal grandparents

Stop asking for alone time. As others have said it’s just not necessary and is clearly not something her mum wants. Once you drop it and relax a bit you’ll hopefully find all these issues disappear.

Does the child call your DD her mother though or does she have her own bio mother? I’m assuming from what was said that “John” only has one dad and that’s OP’s DH as he calls him dad so essentially he is, by all means the little girls granddad

Yeah, she is not even 2y and you went her alone? How often do you see her with her parents? Her mother? Perhaps build relationship and trust with John's partner (baby's mother) first before trying to whisk her child away with people she needs to get to know more.

I don't think she's ever said she doesn't want you involved as you're not biologically related at all. I also don't think she's ever said she doesn't want you involved. These are big assumptions. Of course a mum feels more comfortable with her own parents babysitting as she knows how they parent as they brought her up. Neither of this baby's parent know how you two together parent babies so they would understandably not feel as happy about it.
You don't need to take a child overnight to be a loving grandparent and build a bond with them.

Why are you calling your sort of step granddaughters mum her bio mum?
I'm not asking this to nit pick but it comes across as you really not liking her and if you behave the same way around her you're just going to alienate her

You keep asking how to ‘navigate’ this.
It’s not for you to navigate. Stop pushing.
Make sure John knows your wishes to be fully involved with his child’s life, and then accept the access he (and his OH) wishes you to have.
‘John - we’d love to see her as much as possible, and if you ever need a babysitter, we’re there for you’.
Then leave it alone!

Hi all.

Thank you all for your replies and advice. I will go with the flow, however i just wanted opinions on how other step grandparents navigate as I’ve never done this before.

we all get on really well, we don’t demand time with LO, but we’ve suggested to babysit in the past.

I’ve got all the advice I need now, so thank you for taking your time to post. It’s really appreciated.

however this little girls mum won’t let us spend 1-1 time with her (she is almost 2 and goes to nursery independently, stays at bio mum’s parents regularly

There is no reason for you to spend 1-1 time with her.

Who is the ‘bio’ mum you are talking about? John’s mum?

I’ve you want to build relationships with them-invite them round for dinner, take them on a day out, suggest meeting somewhere for coffee etc Surely that’s a normal way to spend time with people, not ask if you can take their child away from them for some 1-1 time! I’m not surprised the mum feels uncomfortable.

Honestly, you are overthinking this. It was nice for the grandparents to have a time with all their grandchildren that didn’t leave your other daughter out. Turning up unexpectedly put everyone on the back foot. Ideally, I think you could have said, sorry, you didn’t realise you were interrupting, and take older daughter out for a treat, then pick younger daughter up when planned. But I don’t think anyone did anything wrong.

Wrong thread, zombie post, no idea. Ignore…

It’s up to John to sort this. He should tell her that your husband is in effect his father and it’s hardly like a child can have too much love!
But if you want the child on its own and she objects - that’s normal even for biological grandparents. Some people just don’t like it.

It seems to me John sees his grandparents more as parents as he wasn't raised by his actual mum and dad. So that might be the issue. They didn't raise him so why would he trust them with his baby? He may feel a bit grieved that he missed out on that type of relationship yet his dad is offering that type of relationship to his child? My advice is keep on as you are but you'll always be on the sidelines.