Adult stepson respect issues

[Blendedstruggle]

Hello,
I am starting to feel really unhappy and stressed in my own home. I have 2 children aged 6 and 9, and 2 SC aged 20 and 17. The 20 year old stepson stays with us 3 nights a week, he works full time in a decent job, has his own car etc but we don’t charge him board. I have zero relationship with him as he is extremely quiet, shy and a bit of a recluse, so any conversation is one sided. The issue is, he doesn’t lift a finger round the house, and my partner doesn’t seem to want to tackle it. Me and my partner do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, housework (both work full time too) and even when asked to do the simplest chores you just get a shrug or a grunt. At 20 years old I feel he should be contributing to the house but he’s never even washed a single dish or cleaned anything. But my main big issue is his bedroom is directly below ours, and he sits on his Xbox straight after work till after 11 at night shouting and swearing at it and it keeps me awake and drives me mad. To the point where I am taking it out on my partner because, even though he does tell him to shut up, he does not listen at all and the noise continues. Last night I nearly went down and unplugged the internet router I was so angry. I said to my partner he needs to set some rules I.e no Xbox after10pm, but he feels he is too old for rules. But it’s our house and I can’t go on like this indefinitely as I can’t see him moving out anytime soon. I don’t really know what more I can do as everytime I bring It up me and my partner end up arguing. Does anyone else face similar challenges and what can I do? Am I being sensitive? If it was my son it would be switched off at 10 no matter what age he was, but I don’t feel it’s my place to set these rules.

If he's too old for rules then he should move into his own place. Unfortunately things won't get better unless your OH takes action.

My DSS who's almost 18 lives with us full time. He would absolutely do fuck all if allowed. Teens can be lazy, selfish and inconsiderate of other people. A good parent will pull them up on it and try to correct it. My DH is always on his case about laziness, gaming loudly and over time things have improved. He works full time, does his own washing and is responsible for doing the dishwasher. He's in a good routine now but it took work and relentless nagging. He was told if he didn't like the rules then he could find his own place.

Your OH should be preparing his son for adult life and independent living. He's totally failing him on that front. And you're absolutely right, he'll likely be there well into his 20s, even 30s because why would he move out when he gets to life in a house with zero responsibilities and contribute fuck all?

I agree… he can’t expect adult expectations and child rules. Tbh, how is he expected to live with others if he doesn’t have social graces?
DH needs to man the fuck up and start teaching his son some boundaries or there’s going to be yet another entitled manbaby out there.

The adults that pay the bills set the house rules in this situation, the adults that don't can follow them or choose to live where they can make their own rules.

This is really an issue with your partner not being able to set reasonable boundaries.

Thank you for your response. I totally agree and I have raised this about failing to prepare him for adult life. He lives with his mother the other 4 days of the week, and she has started charging him £200 a month board, which my partner was outraged at, but I said it’s perfectly reasonable especially if he is lazy in her house too.
I feel so helpless because I can’t tackle it. I’ve only been in his life for 4 years so haven’t got that “step parent” relationship. And every time I ask my partner to speak to him he does, but does it in a jokey way so he doesn’t take it seriously. Or just accuses me of not wanting his kids in the house (which isn’t true, his daughter is the opposite and I have a good relationship with her) or he just says he’s useless and won’t change. It’s causing such tension between us now that I don’t even want to bring it up as we will end up falling out and not speaking for hours. I actually did try this morning, step son was making his packed lunch but was buttering bread on the worktop and making loads of crumbs, so I said why don’t you use a plate and it will make less mess. And he Point blank ignored me, no response at all.
agree it’s up to my partner but it’s how I get him to that point. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not over reacting though.

Who moved in with whom?

It sounds like there are four children, all step (no shared). Does he have input on parenting yours? And will he going forward? Because it's going to be a very long 10 years for him if he doesn't.

If you're arguing, you need to take the heat out of the conversation and add more light. Talk about the things you can't live with, and why. Don't talk about how to tackle it until you have those agreed. Use a relationship counsellor if you need some help to do that. In the meantime use:

When...
I feel...
Because...
Please...

When DS games until midnight, I feel exhausted and angry, because we all share a house and sleep, it's important. Please can we talk about some solutions?

THEN WAIT.

LISTEN.

If you need to come back and agree a time to talk about it. Do. Be firm, "we need solutions" but also kind and empathetic, "I know it's hard to parent adults".

Are your two kids fathered by this man, too? He's a shit parent, which is not attractive, and he doesn't care about you since he's allowing this man to ignore you and use your house.
Do you want to keep your boyfriend or would your life be easier and happier without him?

Edited-just saw you've been dating for 4yrs, so he's not your kids father.

shit parenting is what this boils down to! He pays and he adheres to the house rules or he leaves. His choice.

same goes for your partner frankly. How unattractive it is to be with a man who doesn’t support you or stand for you. Don’t accept it!

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. So we bought the house together nearly 2 years ago, so it’s joint and we all moved in together. But we were in a relationship for 2 years before that, living separately. My kids are much younger, and he does parent them, that part of things actually works great,I feel supported by him and they respect him as a stepparent and I feel like a family unit when it’s the 4 of us. I think the teenage/young adult dynamic is a lot harder for me, I almost wish his kids were younger too as I think it would be easier in a lot of ways.
i think you’re right we need to speak about it calmly and come up with a solution. He says that he would have no issue in me talking to his children and setting out the rules, but I just feel like it should come from him. I will try your method out, thank you.

It's just occurred to me that swapping rooms so he's not below you might help. Is there a distant room

Absolutely no excuse for this at all. My DS is a gamer and has a habit of shouting as he plays (too many youtubers do it). He's an early bird who tends to play at 6.00 am. But even he knows not to scream and shout when other people are trying to sleep and plays quietly until everyone is up. If an 11 year old autistic boy with ADHD understands and controls himself then a 20 year old has no bloody excuse.

I also suggested this, but it would mean swapping with his sister who has the biggest room, and his room is quite small, I’m not sure she would be too happy. I’m not prepared to move my younger two downstairs as I think they should be upstairs (it’s a 4 bed house and his “bedroom” is in the snug downstairs) I think he needs to pay a token board, say like £75 a month, and start following rules, I really don’t think it’s too much to ask.

I think he needs to pay a token board, say like £75 a month, and start following rules, I really don’t think it’s too much to ask.

I think so too but I would eat the elephant one bite at a time. Deal with the sleep, wait a bit, deal with the chores, wait, board. Otherwise it's too much and DS and DH will rebel together and use you as the common enemy. Small, obviously reasonable steps at a time.

I have three twenty two up year olds living in my house and they are all noisy and messy (but cheerful and friendly too). No need to ask for board and lodging at just twenty surely. But sorting out the noise rules I would say is the key. Thick fitted carpet in your room and the snug, reminder of the cut off point for shouting. Headphones for him. Getting him back into family life, chatting with you all etc

Mine do game and stay up late occasionally. They can be lazy ungrateful oafs but the main thing is for them tofeel they aren't being sidelined into their rooms, and it's the only safe haven along with x box. Social life now is outside the home now, it's taken the place of gaming.

They have got much much better.

Also what about him using x box in sitting room instead of snug if the noise carries less?? Or swapping bedrooms right round long-term; he will be in your home for the foreseeable so you might as well embrace his presence.

"He needs to start following rules" would be a red flag for me ...doesn't show much empathy with his position. Whereas saying" I need him to follow rules" would be a more revealing and accurate way to express it. What does everyone in the household want? Whose household is it? Who is the household "for"? You? Your children? Your dh? Your stepchildren? Why do you "need" h to follow rules or pay board? Punishment respect prod??? What?

Did you move into his familial home with your two young children from a different relationship?

No we bought the house together, brand new

At this point, punishment 😂 no I see what you’re saying, there’s a bit to think about there.

I’d go and turn the internet off. Fuck that

Your children are there full time presumably?
He is doing well to have a full time job and his own car
He is only twenty and he is already showing a lot of responsibility for his life.

Your issues are your husband not discussing things with you and the fact that you have no relationship with this young man.

Which can you change....tbh I would start building your relationship with the son as you can't get your dh to listen.

And instead of focussing on his annoying traits is there some way you can show an interest in him, support, encourage him. Not by doing his chores but by caring how his week has gone, what interests him? Even what computer game interests him? Mine talk endlessly about films and shows on netflix...is there an opening ...something you both like?

I agree with others, this isn’t setting him up for life as an adult at all. I was 16 when I started working and paying board, my mum said it was purely to learn that when you get paid you can’t just spend it all on yourself. I’m grateful she did that

Your view is spot on, and at that age it’s as simple as “these are the rules, if you don’t like them then you are free to move out”. I’m sorry your partner isn’t supportive on this, that would drive me mad

The not answering you over the crumbs is a bit heartbreaking actually. Hes decided its safer to just say nothing. Plenty of twenty year olds leave crumbs. Most will either apologise or argue the toss but saying nothing is just....well...a bit bleak...likes he has shut down....

And your dh saying he is is "useless"
Beyond depressing. Why isn't he sticking up for him and encouraging him?

Car and job and packed lunches...It's all good stuff. I don't think your step son is really displaying uselessness.

Hi no I share 50/50 custody with my ex, so they’re here 50% time. You’re right in what you’re saying, I think if I shift my mindset it might ease things for myself. I do try and talk to him, but I get very little back.

Who contributed the most to the deposit and who pays the mortgage?

We split everything 50/50, deposit and mortgage and all bills

I don't think moving rooms is the answer. He needs to learn to be more considerate of others not that "it's ok, you continue behaving how you wish and everyone will adjust their lives around you".