Adult stepson respect issues

[Blendedstruggle]

Hello,
I am starting to feel really unhappy and stressed in my own home. I have 2 children aged 6 and 9, and 2 SC aged 20 and 17. The 20 year old stepson stays with us 3 nights a week, he works full time in a decent job, has his own car etc but we don’t charge him board. I have zero relationship with him as he is extremely quiet, shy and a bit of a recluse, so any conversation is one sided. The issue is, he doesn’t lift a finger round the house, and my partner doesn’t seem to want to tackle it. Me and my partner do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, housework (both work full time too) and even when asked to do the simplest chores you just get a shrug or a grunt. At 20 years old I feel he should be contributing to the house but he’s never even washed a single dish or cleaned anything. But my main big issue is his bedroom is directly below ours, and he sits on his Xbox straight after work till after 11 at night shouting and swearing at it and it keeps me awake and drives me mad. To the point where I am taking it out on my partner because, even though he does tell him to shut up, he does not listen at all and the noise continues. Last night I nearly went down and unplugged the internet router I was so angry. I said to my partner he needs to set some rules I.e no Xbox after10pm, but he feels he is too old for rules. But it’s our house and I can’t go on like this indefinitely as I can’t see him moving out anytime soon. I don’t really know what more I can do as everytime I bring It up me and my partner end up arguing. Does anyone else face similar challenges and what can I do? Am I being sensitive? If it was my son it would be switched off at 10 no matter what age he was, but I don’t feel it’s my place to set these rules.

You need to start the conversation with your DH about the standards you need to feel emotionally safe in your own home. This includes not being ignored and treated like shit by his misogynist turd of a son. The fact that there is a 20 year old who thinks it’s okay to completely dismiss you in your own home is not okay. You are entirely within your rights to lose your rag at him and maybe he will begin to pay attention.

If your DH refuses to support you with his son, why are you allowing him to parent your children at all? He's a rubbish parent and doesn't respect you. Neither does his son.

Turn off the Xbox's access to the Internet - not the router. Make sure you change admin password. Son doesn't pay anything or contribute, he doesn't get to disturb your sleep in your own house too. He's been asked already.

Why is a 20yo still living between two houses? Madness.

i would say I need my sleep, ss we have mentioned this a few times but the router is being turned off at 10 from now on as I can’t have gaming keeping me up.

OP cannot sleep because of the late night gaming and shouting. That’s not imposing rules for the sake of rules, that’s just reasonable for the sleep and health of the co owner of the house!

A few thoughts…

• ’50:50 contact’ is not really a thing at these ages. It’s odd that they still come and stay in such a regimented way. What are their plans for next steps? Uni? Work?
• You have a massive DH problem. He needs to step up.
• There are five other people in the house apart from DSS 20. Everyone needs to be considerate and respectful including him.
• I agree he should be paying rent. Your DH’s outrage at his ex charging a meagre amount is very worrying, 20yos can eat a ton of food. BUT… be careful here, because DSS may just see this as payment for maid service from you. Rent needs to come with house rules too.

Finally, the late night shouting and swearing needs to stop. If your Disney husband refuses to do anything then set up the WiFi to turn off at a certain time. I would go totally tonto if my sleep was being disturbed half the week by a loud gamer. It’s totally unacceptable. Presumably DH sleeps through this noise? I hope your little children do. You are not asking for much!

Perhaps I’m a bit lacks but he’s there 3 days a week and spend the majority of time in his room I wouldn’t expect him to be doing any housework
If he wasn’t there I don’t think you’d notice a massive change in your workloads and housework
board wise £60 fiver a day

but I’d m take him do his own washing
he can play games 24 hours a day but need to STFU and stop the shouting

from OPs posts i guess the "lack of housework" is making a mess in the kitchen and not wiping/cleaning up after him.

In your shoes, OP, i would have one more calm conversation with his father about the noise. And if nothing changed i would be taking the router to bed with me.

And i would be having one more conversation about him not cleaning up after himself when he's been using the kitchen. Then i would just start locking the door or something. to make a point.

And if your DH still isn't on board? I would be having discussions about how your DH has a lack of respect for you which his DC echoes.

Ask your SS to turn down the volume and stop shouting. This isn’t parenting, it’s two adults communicating.

My DH and I ask each other to turn the TV down if the sound is travelling into other rooms and disturbing us. We aren’t parenting each other. We are communicating as two adults sharing a living space.

Yes, clearly what this situation needs is more empathy for the adult in the household who is ignoring polite requests from others and behaving antisocially with impunity.

The "rules" are needed because one person is being an inconsiderate antisocial git.

Thank you everyone. I tend to agree with some of the posts here, I too have said I don’t understand why he still needs to have 50/50 contact at 20 years old. I would much prefer if he joined us for dinner a few nights a week, we would probably actually see him more than when he’s just sat in his room, but that’s not an argument for now. I had a good chat with OH at the weekend, he is frustrated too as the son doesn’t listen to him or doesn’t take things on board, it’s like he forgets what’s been said and he’s in his own world. (He is not the brightest, and that’s not a criticism as he is a nice lad apart from all the niggles) He doesn’t communicate well with either of us. So I’ve asked if he will have a proper chat with him this week, and explain our frustrations with the noise initially which he is going to do. After that, if nothing changes then we have agreed to see what can be done next in terms of board/insisting on helping out and rules. From my point of view, I would never have got away with doing nothing in the house at 20 years old, and neither would my OH, so that’s what I base my standards on. It might seem harsh to others, but I work hard, and I should have a say in the behaviours of others in my own home. Also it’s helping him for future life, my OH does his fair share of the housework, cooking etc he’s got a good role model so we don’t understand where it’s fallen down. Thanks all.

Are there any jobs he enjoys? Cooking, gardening etc? It could help to break him into the idea of adult life if his responsibilities weren’t too onerous at first.

If he enjoys cooking, he could be responsible for shopping, buying and cooking dinner two nights a week.

He works FT…why is he not paying rent? If you go proportionate to what XW is charging, he should be paying £150/month to you (even if you don’t spend it, you can put it into a savings account and give it back to him when he needs a deposit for a home or to pay 2 months upfront when he moves into his first rental).

A rule that X Box noise goes off at 10pm, by use of headphones, and no shouting, is not an unreasonable request at all.

What is his timeline? You could have him living in your snug, not lifting a finger to clear his dishes when he’s 35…

How do you go about asking for a timeline though? He has a girlfriend, been together for over 2 years, but he goes to her house nearly every weekend, she occasionally comes here . I don’t think he has any drive to move out as he has it so good, at both houses, which is partly why I want to give him more rules and boundaries, definitely do not want this still to be happening at 25 never mind 35! We want to downsize when we don’t need 4 bedrooms anymore (hoping within 10 years when his two have flown the nest) to reduce our mortgage payments. Is that wishful thinking !

I think that “asking for a timeline” is a dangerous game—the house belongs to you and DH, not DSS! He doesn’t get to call the shots!

I would advise agreeing with DH on a timeline and communicating it to DSS. You could also help by doing up a mock budget for him to live off of—how much is rent in the area he would live in, how much would utilities, insurance, food, etc be. Then help him to put that amount of money (minus the £200 he pays XW and minus any rent he pays you) aside each month, ideally in a high yield savings account. The money he has leftover would be what he has available each month for car expenses, meals out, gaming, hobbies, phone, etc. Get him to live off of this mock budget, to give him hands-on experience of how much money he has once his bills are paid, and what lifestyle he can afford once he’s living in his own. The bonus is that not only will he have experience under his belt living with this mock budget, he will also have a nice amount of savings to pay for all of the set-up costs that inevitably pop up when he moves into a new home.

That’s actually a really good idea. I would definitely suggest that. Thank you. To be honest OH had even suggested to him the idea once of OH buying a cheap flat and the son and gf moving in and paying rent to him, but he literally didn’t show any excitement or gratitude or reaction even at the idea of it! So we thought what’s the point in even seeing if that was a possibility for us if he wasn’t biting.

He probably wants to live in the snug until he’s 35! 😂

OH had even suggested to him the idea once of OH buying a cheap flat and the son and gf moving in and paying rent to him, but he literally didn’t show any excitement or gratitude or reaction even at the idea of it!

Wow. He sounds very immature. DH, his mum and you need a plan to get him independent if you don't want him still gaming all night in your house in 5 years.

Good that DH is onboard but what is the plan for when DSS 'forgets' and leaves mess and makes noise? This could go round in circles unless you get serious.

Why does he stay 3 nights a week? He's a bit old for set contact days!

Perhaps he wants to spend approx equal amounts of time with both parents?

Your children are there full time presumably?
He is doing well to have a full time job and his own car
He is only twenty and he is already showing a lot of responsibility for his life.

Are you reading a different post? He sounds the opposite of responsible.