DP suddenly broke - can I grumble?

[Stepmumptsd]

My DP, formerly a somewhat high-earning professional who one would generously consider middle aged, is broke.

This is 100% self-inflicted.

He has started an MBA ( 20 years older than most on the course) and cut his work to one day consulting a week.

And now we cannot go out for dinner anymore.

DP is in finance (like me) and beyond the age where extra letters after his name would propel him towards the C-suite. He will most likely enjoy his course then return to his former director level job or similar with impressive new Powerpoint skills.

But I thought his career break was a nice idea, until he told me that he is broke.

I was not sure this was true, so we looked at his budget. He's broke.

He has enough savings to fund his course, pay his mortgage, pay his nanny, buy food for himself and the kids and run the car. And also to keep paying his non-mortgaged ex wife her court-ordered absolutely flabbergasting monthly maintenance as well as the substantial list of extras the exw, I just learned, is billing DP for monthly.

These comprise: children's clothes, clubs, extra curricular sports, holiday camps, school uniforms, tuition, therapists, school dinners, mobile phone, pocket money, horse riding, birthday parties, football shoes and LEGO.

They have the children 50-50. The exw works part time but does not need to and does not pay for childcare because of generous parents. The 50-50 was agreed by exw after fantabulous maintenance was secured. Lol.

I don't live with DP so am not directly affected by his brokeness exactly.

But we do share a life and a lifestyle. And pre-brokeness it was a nice one. Dinners out a couple of times a month. A foreign holiday together once a year. Taking both sets of kids to plays and musicals at weekends. We always went Dutch. I always knew the exw was richer than me because she worked very hard in court for several months to prove her womb was golden and I worked in offices for 25 years so as not to rely on an ex husband, but I didn't mind as my lifestyle was the same as before I met DP.

But now DP is broke it is going to cost me.

When I fancy sharing a bottle of plonk and fish and chips at home, I will have to buy it.

When we have mutual friends over for a meal, I will have to buy the food.

When my child is in a play and wants DP and his kids to come, I will be buying all five tickets.

This is probably an AIBU but I put it on step parents because I am a step parent in all but living arrangement - DP and I shift nomadically between our two homes depending on which kids we have when.

And yet when it comes to having a say on finances, I am feeling nothing like a partner and very like a girlfriend who may have just sleepwalked into buying meals for a geriatric student who is paying for his exw to summer in Tuscany.

I am asking myself whether:

I should've been consulted ahead of the MBA decision with fully discussing the finances?

I should have realised he was paying over the odds for child stuff?

I should ask DP to review this now or to vary his maintenance order in court? (He will say the exw will respond by pulling the kids out of activities and not buying them shoes.)

I should resign as quasi step parent on the basis I should not have responsibility for DP's kids when I have such little agency over how we live our joint lives?

I should merrily commit all my disposable income to myself and get a season ticket to Champneys, leaving DP at home to eat Pot Noodle?

I should join his student lifestyle, learn to love Pot Noodle again and clear my mortgage early? (Quite like thiis idea actually, lemons into lemonade.)

Excellent post. I wish I could save it, and re-post the next time a similar situation comes up!!

I didn't call you anything . I was responding to your point about another poster calling the ops DH thick as shit.

@Thursdaygirl Reading back my post, I don't think it's quite perfect. I don't mean the ex-wives any malice, it's meant to be advice.

The reality is getting spousal maintenance from an ex is almost never going to be as lucrative and will never be as secure as getting out there and having a career. Insisting on being the primary parent and collecting spousal maintenance is not a good deal for anybody. It demotivates the payer at work and it leaves the recipient in an insecure and vulnerable position. It shouldn't surprise anyone that payers of spousal maintenance are statistically much more likely to lose their jobs than other people or to find themselves in lower paid work.

My advice to the weaker financial party is to make sure the ex is doing their fair share of childcare and then get out there and have a career. It's a massive boost to confidence, you're no longer reliant on someone who resents you as a dependent, it sets a better example to the children and it almost certainly guarantees more money, a better standard of living and control of your own destiny.

Ok. We both know it was a dig made in the third person but referencing what I’d said in the post you replied.

Are you hard of reading?

What's your "50/50 blah blah blah" got to do with a woman who clearly played the system to get a whack of maintenance then immediately changed that to 50/50 where she'd get none after leaving court?

I'm not a bitter 2nd anything, bless your heart. Pretty clear you were a first wife though.

Isn't it just.

Wow.

Missed this.

She sounds lovely. And he's still voluntarily bankrolling her to an extreme, whilst apportioning zero money to any time with you OP.

If you recognise the intrinsic value of a SAHM (or any SAHP), then a change in marital status doesn’t diminish that value. And if parental finances provide for it, there is no reason the change the status quo.

Some men are happy to recognise the benefits of their ex remaining a SAHM for their children.

He knows he can vary the arrangements to reflect his current income. The obvious reason why he hasn’t done this is that his children (and their mum be extension) are his priority.

He has chosen to cut back on other areas. He is not in a serious relationship with OP, they don’t live together, and he considers them financially separate.

It is only OP who is staking a claim to his income and complaining that his commitments don’t leave enough for the lifestyle she wants.

If only more men would put their children’s stability and happiness before a Nando’s.

To add: why do men get away with paying a paltry CMS amount? Because women want to bring other women down in a race to the bottom.

Men like this should be the norm, not the exception. And women who do secure a good settlement for their families should not be treated as scroungers by others who weren’t so lucky.

Agreed, but I think that's his decision to make. The OP and her partner aren't married and don't have joint finances, they don't live together. Maybe they chose to keep that separation on purpose.

It's his money, his children and his relationship with his ex. Which is why I called it "meddling", but I do agree with your point - in an ideal world the man would come to this decision himself (and in discussion with his ex).

I wouldn't want a partner I don't live with to tell me how I spend my money - on seemingly important things that have a long-term impact (my education and learning, my children) - so we could go to Nandos more over a 9-month period.

PS: (Not to mention the fact OP seems to want her partner to give up these things "for Nandos", but seemingly isn't willing to make sacrifices herself for the same goal - I.e., paying for her partner on a relatively cheap date).

I think the problem nowadays is that it tends to be the SAHP who saw the value in SAHPs. Technically putting up with it is a mutual decision but most of the "breadwinners" I come across were pushed into it with lines like "we couldn't afford childcare" or "what about the school holidays." Divorce tends to be a good opportunity for them to re-establish boundaries and reasonable expectations.

Thanks for all the advice. It has really got me thinking.

I absolutely do not want to meddle in my DP’s maintenance. I’ve always detached myself from it.

But what is dawning on me is i don’t quite understand what maintenance should cover and what is an ‘extra’ he should also pay half of or full amount for. The maintenance is loads. I know a court ordered it. I’m sure it was fairly decided.i don’t resent it.

I’m sure a woman who didn’t work much despite excellent qualifications but lived well when married is entitled to a lifestyle of certain standards. As of course are the children.

Im wondering about the fairness of what’s occurred after the split.

The exw does want to do 50-50 - she suggested it about 2 months after divorce was settled apparently - and kept her maintenance that was based on DP having kids EOW and two days after school without overnights. She also keeps asking for all this extra money for extra things.

I do not want to know or care about any of it. I asked the question on here not with any answer in mind. I want to know if I should worry about it for the future.

I have a spidey sense that the more DP gives to exw now the less able he will be to stop giving when the kids are 18 or 21. What if DP and me want to buy a home together once our kids are grown? Will our ability to purchase be affected by exw still asking for money? Will I be using my pension to help him help her?

So I think at some point, sadly, it becomes my business.

I am divorced. I left the marriage with half the assets we owned together. We had always split things financially 50-50 and our childcare and child costs went straight to 50-50. I didn’t go to court. I used the extra time I had child free to work harder and get promoted. I now earn almost double what I did when I was a young mum doing full time work but struggling because like many working mums I was burdened by 90pc of the childcare and housework too.

Not going after my ex for money has earned me money, I’m sure, not only in extra salary over the years but in terms of pension.

I could have chosen the other route, proving to a court that I did 90pc of the kid stuff and should therefore get the house and maintenance etc. my family thought I was soft.

But I’ve earned an extra £200k over the years at least by just cracking on. I’m sure my ex has done better too than if he had been distracted for years by my financial demands or court proceedings. He’s also been promoted several times. Anything we have left when we’re gone will go to our child. He could win the lottery and he wouldn’t hear a peep out of me asking for a share.

Also as it was all done and dusted so amicably I have a great working relationship with my exh. There’s no financial resentments on either side.

I feel a bit sad for women who could work and get up on their own two feet but don’t, even now and even when they can. This isn’t covering those women who aren’t well educated, have worked years unpaid supporting a family business or farm or have disabled children to care for alone (my DP and his ex do have a disabled child but he actually does way more than half of the medical stuff and driving to appts anyway. I also help).

I knew I had to do a financial clean break pre divorce when some close friends put a small house on the market and said a lot of those viewing it were divorced women who were downsizing from the ‘family home’ because kids were grown and their exh had stopped paying the mortgage/is selling up. They all seemed a bit shell shocked apparently. These friends advised me wisely: don’t let that be you. I wouldn’t want that insecurity in my future unless I had no other choices.

I can’t bear that DP was divorced 4 years ago (before we met) and is still wobbling about whether to vary a maintenance order. He fears he’ll lose his 50/50 if he does. I’d like him to resolve it all because I don’t want to talk about it or think about it.

But I am very unsure about what is appropriate to expect.

What I have learnt as a single parent (and also as a step-parent for a number of years, albeit a good number of years ago now) is to expect nothing. That is maybe a negative answer, but the question should be more what are you prepared to give.
So as you say, with your own divorce, you gave (agreed) 50% of everything including the child arrangements and this had benefits and losses.
With this relationship, the question is still what are you prepared to give, as that is the only thing you can control.
Otherwise, you end up in a position where you judge other people’s decisions and lives and possibly also resent this, but ultimately, this does not change your own circumstances.
Obviously, the law makes certain provisions if you are married, as can courts if you divorce, but even then, people organise/fight/ seek orders in ways which are quite diverse and variable. So the question is still what is important to you and how much are you prepared to give or indeed, give up.

@Stepmumptsd "
I feel a bit sad for women who could work and get up on their own two feet but don’t, even now and even when they can."

What utter cobblers. You don't feel sad for women you don't know and whose circumstances you have no idea about.

I don't think you understand what manipulation looks like in abusive relationships. DC are terrified of how their father will behave if they choose not to spend exactly 50% with their father. I'm totally come and go as best suits you. Food might not be the best!

I would stop the dinners out and paying for his indulgent decisions as a first step.

One of the children is disabled? Can't go to a childminder? Do you have experience as a single parent with a disabled child?

He only has the kids 50/50 and he only works one day a week but he needs a nanny? Or is the nanny looking after the kids while he studies? Surely he could organise his contact hours and working hours around this?

He's making you "bear the brunt"?

You poor poor thing. 😂

It’s telling the pretty much your entire “update” is just actually bitching about your partner’s ex wife and how much she works.

Why would he arrange his contact hours around it though? It’s very normal for people to use childcare, that doesn’t mean he isn’t allowed to have his children live with him 50/50.
He worked full time until September I’m assuming, and how he’s doing a full time MBA. He needs the same childcare as if he was working.

I once met a woman at a dinner party who gave me this long tale about how her exh had stopped paying her maintenance when their child was 25 and moved out and started work and she didn’t know how she was going to live. She said the ex had moved abroad for work on a very generous expat deal after they separated and based on this he was offered or to pay lifetime support and buy her a house outright. He’d paid private school fees and all university tuition and given their adult child a deposit for a flat in Clapham. But he had then decided to return to the UK and was paying a lot more tax and rent and tried to end the lifetime support. I felt sorry for both of them.

Thank you for the kind advice.

I think I will ask DP what his plans for the future are. I agree with everyone who’s said it’s none of my beeswax whether his exw works or doesn’t. I don’t want to think about it at all. Their arrangements are between them.

think I need to clarify what the future with DP holds and how best to protect myself financially.

I think this involves not living together/getting married until I am confident he can ringfence his future financial commitments and continue to meet them without my subsidising them.

I am comfortable but not wealthy. ATM I am on track to pay off my mortgage when I retire and will have a good-enough pension to live reasonably.

Maybe the best idea is for the two of us to meet with a financial adviser.

There’s a lot to think about.

He knows where his money is going and only he has the power to make adjustments if he wants to. I guess your only control is in whether you want to a) adjust your leisure activities to suit his new budget b) pay for the shortfall or c) split.