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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step Daughter is trouble

38 replies

AquaRaven · 08/11/2024 05:53

Looking for a bit of advice… I have a D who is 10. My partner of 3 years also has a 10 yo D. She’s been staying with us at my house for over a year and in that time I’ve noticed she tells lies and tries to get my D in trouble. I’ve called out her behaviour before and Partner just gets angry with me. Anyway he got called by the school this week as it turns out she’s been telling her friends he’s been abusing her with very specific stories about how he’s done it. It’s absolutely untrue and eventually she confessed to the teacher she made it all up. He is in denial and making excuses for her like the teacher coerced her to confess and is blaming her school friends for telling rumours… in any event my job requires me to be squeaky clean and I’m really worried she’s going to do something again. I can’t risk that and compromising anything to do with my D. He suggested she and he stay at his mums for a few months, when he has her, because of her lying and because you never know.. she could do it again. He’s forgiven her as he should as her Dad, but I don’t trust her and I want to protect myself and D. He’s now said he wants to bring her to my house this weekend and I said I needed to think about that. He now won’t talk to me at all. I don’t know what to do here. I’m so conflicted. Ultimately his D needs some kind of counselling and I don’t blame her as she’s going through a lot at home, but I can’t risk my life and child because of her lies. Help :(

OP posts:
Climbinghigher · 08/11/2024 06:00

Is your partner living in your house.

i honestly think you need separate living arrangements so he can focus on her and you and your dd are protected. No need to split up but she sounds like a child who is having difficulties & navigating a blended family is going to be very difficult. If she is making false accusations he may be safer having her at his mum’s for the moment rather than alone but that would be for him to decide.

Edingril · 08/11/2024 06:03

Like many other times of asking on here why are you subjecting your child to this?

RevelryMum · 08/11/2024 06:03

Where's her mother ? The child has some kind of trauma ? Yes she definitely needs counselling but I think you need to put on a united front and sit down and explain to her she won't be able to stay in your house anymore if the lies continue that it's not acceptable and get to the bottom of why she did it . She sounds like a very unhappy child god love her

GiraffeTree · 08/11/2024 06:08

You are right to be very wary OP. This child has lied many times, including serious accusations, and it's very possible she will do the same to you and jeopardise your job. Not to mention the impact on your DD. You are right to keep her away and your partner is completely in the wrong to go into a sulk about it. What he should be doing is seeking therapy for her - is he doing this?

Aurorora · 08/11/2024 06:13

it all sounds attention seeking behaviour and I wonder what’s behind this. Personally I would keep them both at arms length until she’s had a good amount of counselling and seems more settled

could you agree to having a weekly evening meal together or an activity out in the community (bowling?) and not being alone with her in the mean time.

Cestfoutu · 08/11/2024 09:01

Seriously, I would walk away; she is a danger to you and potentially damaging to your child. If you are a teacher for example and she decides to change her story and call you the abuser, you would have to move out of your home/be separated from your child until an investigation is completed- which could take months. Is he worth that?

healthybychristmas · 08/11/2024 09:02

Why on earth are you considering letting your child live with all this? He needs to focus on his own child in his own space and your child needs your attention in her own space.

Mischance · 08/11/2024 09:04

This is so tough on your DD. You fall for a man - fine. But then she finds herself with a cuckoo in her nest - in the place where she needs to be relaxed and comfortable there is now someone who is deliberately making her life difficult. He needs to move out with her.

LikeARunnerHo · 08/11/2024 09:05

They need to move out

Daleksatemyshed · 08/11/2024 09:05

It's his DC so he wants to believe it wasn't her fault and go on as before but that's unfair to everyone. Far better to stick to him seeing his DD elsewhere, it's protects you and gives her time just with her Dad. If he can't accept that then I'd think again about this relationship Op, he's refusing to see his DD needs help or to admit you need to put your DD first just as he does

sunflowersngunpowdr · 09/11/2024 11:01

3 year relationship and she's 10- you have at least another 10 years to go ... I'd cut my losses and run now.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/11/2024 11:17

I would keep myself and daughter away from her and only see partner on child free days.

However, it's not normal to make up abuse. It's common for children to test how a disclosure will go by accusing a safe adult like a trusted parent or teacher. It's very possible someone else has abused her or she's been exposed to porn. Your DP and sd school meet to take that seriously

Notagain24 · 09/11/2024 11:43

For the sake of your daughter, you need to keep them out of your house. A clean break probably the least confusing thing for both children.

Runskiyoga · 09/11/2024 12:04

Make your decisions with the best interests of both young children in mind.

CherryVanillaPie · 09/11/2024 12:07

Cestfoutu · 08/11/2024 09:01

Seriously, I would walk away; she is a danger to you and potentially damaging to your child. If you are a teacher for example and she decides to change her story and call you the abuser, you would have to move out of your home/be separated from your child until an investigation is completed- which could take months. Is he worth that?

I agree

Coffeeslices · 09/11/2024 12:07

Just break up. Poor kids.

Marblesbackagain · 09/11/2024 12:21

You need to not be in her company for your jobs sake. Your daughter needs also to not be in her company for her well being.

This is obviously a child who needs significant supports, her false disclosure may sadly be an indication of abuse of some type taking place. Healthy happy children don't act this way.

I am sorry op I really couldn't risk my future in your circumstances.

socks1107 · 09/11/2024 22:00

Living the experience and being 9 years past your age I would keep well away from her. We've had a phone call today that I suspect is the start of the next barrel of sh.. from my adult sd. The lies never ever stop.
I can't actually speak this evening as to what's been revealed and although I look at my dh and adore him I wander what this has done to my same age kids and how my future really looks. If he wants her back I'm getting a divorce so maybe I should've walked away years ago.

StSwithinsDay · 09/11/2024 22:07

Put your own child first and end the relationship.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 09/11/2024 22:14

They both need to move out, to his mother's, wherever, so you can prioritise your own child and move this mess out of her home.

Soocks · 10/11/2024 15:51

Get them both out.
Your poor child.
He should have been told to leave months ago.
Why is your job and reputation so much more important than your poor child and what she has had to endure because of his troubled child?
How could you allow him to stay after he got angry when his daughter lied about your daughter?
Awful behaviour.
Where is your loyalty to your child?
She must be so confused.
Children like yours grow up so damaged because of their parents poor choices.

thanksicloud · 10/11/2024 15:56

how long have you been together

and It’s absolutely untrue . well you don’t know that for sure

thanksicloud · 10/11/2024 15:56

the thought of my child being involved with all this shit in her own home… unfathomable

thanksicloud · 10/11/2024 15:57

i’ll take a punt here

he is low earning and didn’t have anywhere to sell before moving in?

thanksicloud · 10/11/2024 15:58

you’ve been with him just 3 poxy years 😞