Days out with ex

[fireworks345]

My DP of a year has 8yo son. The child wants his parents to meet for a day's out with him, for them both to take him out for mini golf, exhibitions, events as they used to do when they were together.
Is it ok?

Why not?
They are his parents. My DP used to do things with his ex but now she has someone else and we waited over 2 years until I met his DDs. Do you spend time with his son? Does his ex have another partner?
Now my DP’s DDs know me it is different.

It depends. Do they usually get on? Are you also invited?

It's common for kids to wish that their parents were back together. If he's given any indication that he wants this then I think them both going on an outing together could be quite misleading and give him false hope.

I think it really depends on their parenting relationship and how long they have been apart. Things like first day at school are for parents. I was upset that my DP said I couldn’t be there but his ex’s boyfriend was there. But he did not know that at first and then he couldn’t change it, he only found out when he got there.
I think you have to be relaxed about the children with the ex especially if most of their time is with the ex.
I don’t think that it means the child wants their parents back together.
I don’t think now that my DP’s DDs would ask for time with mum and dad together as it’s almost 4 years apart.
I wouldn’t want to be invited if it was my DP and his ex without her DP.
Leave then to it. He’s 8 he can understand that it doesn’t mean mum and dad are getting back together.

They usually get on, which is absolutely fine.
I've never heard about people doing it and I defo wouldn't do it with my ex.
DP's ex cheated on him three years ago and still is in relationship with OM.
I have met DP's little boy a few times.
I'm in two minds about it.

I understand why you are in two minds about it. I wasn’t happy early on in my relationship with DP when he told me he had taken ex out for dinner with DDs. Maybe her OM won’t be happy about it.

And if you trust your DP then it isn’t worth getting stressed about it.

@fireworks345 do you have children?

Me & DH go out for trips with my XH and our DD for her birthday etc, no problem for my new DH or ex, we've always put DD first.

We do this, nothing in it at all it's just for the benefit of the kids

I would happily go out with them, his ex and her new DP. I would like the ex to know me, that I am someone she can trust with her DD. I did meet up once and it wasn’t nice. His ex was screaming at us. You’ll find a way but let them do things together. I made this mistake and got so stressed about it. You just have to have trust in your DP.

As someone who has been in that situation as a child, it can be really confusing for the kids.

Of course they want to spend time together, but it often just makes them feel worse that they can't have a together family as it gives you a taste of what you're missing and/or gives them false hope.

Personally I think it's fairest on the kids to have very clear boundaries.

OP - we have and will continue to take the DCS out for a meal both parents and both DCs, every couple of months.
We sit and talk as their parents - no playing one off the other and they see we are united in discipline, expectations.
My eldest is now 16 and says being able to talk to both his parents about things that were important to him, plan holidays etc and not have to repeat himself to each parent meant a lot. That we get on and can do this with ease, he also says means that he is not left thinking either one of us hates the other half of them - if I hated Dad - did I hate half of them. When he said that it was a very sobering moment and we were both able to reassure both DCs that this was not the case. In fact in a moment of true honesty, their DF said-the honest answer is kids, I messed up and I have to live with my mistake and how it has affected all of us but I have neve hated your Mum and will always care deeply about her.

His current partner is absolutely cool with this and occasionally joins us if the DCS say yes his previous partner not a hope in hell would she come along and she resented these meals and would phone all the time.

It works for us but not for everyone and most importantly for the DCS

Encourage this for your own sanity. I am 8 yrs into this and it's all gone tits up and dsd doesn't speak to anyone and it's all my fault apparently. That is another thread completely. However- just encourage as much as you can. Let that kid have his parents every so often and if you feel jealous deal with it .
I always wanted this scenario anyway but the parents just couldn't get on and as I said it has blown up in MY face.
1 yr in- foster as much good will without compromising yourself too much. When they go out do something lovely for yourself.
Trust me- this will pay dividends down the road

I do, one teenager on board

You guys are winning at co-parenting. I take my hat off to you. This sort of civilised and unselfish approach is vanishingly rare.

This is what healthy co-parenting looks like. It means being a mature adult and putting your shared children first for their wellbeing.

It shows them that their family is still a family. It's just their parents romantic relationship ends but not their shared commitment to their children.

Context: Completely only ever possible where no abuse is present.

I think you nailed it here, I'll keep it mind and hope DP's DS has similar experience.
He is such a lovely boy.
I'm not invited to this, but wouldn't even expect to be at this stage. They have never had a day out with ex's new DP. It was only mum and dad and DS.
How did you feel with your ex new partner being there?
It is not that I don't trust DP, I think I don't feel confident and it is completely something new.

That's exactly it. I would never be able to do it with my ex, ever. Hence this is completely something new and I wasn't sure if that's a good way forward

In an ideal world every child in this situation would have it.

Yes, great that they have a positive co parenting relationship

Gently, how he co-parents is none of your business.

And less gently, would you really allow your own insecurities to deprive a young child of what they need from their parents?

It depends on whether you trust your DP

It sort of is. If he was a rubbish parent to his DS I wouldn't want to be a part of it, therefore we wouldn't be together.
I haven't seen people doing it in real life, so asked here if it is okay before I jumped to any conclusions.

Your comment rings true and insightful.

The couples/ex couples that navigate this successfully are actually nice, reasonable, mature individuals. Might not be the best match for each other but who are respectful of the benefits for the child outweigh their conflict or indifference to each other.

I would suggest you consider this a positive in your relationship.

To be honest the OW had been so bad before his current partner, I was worried.

However, it just happened naturally, we were going for Italian and youngest DC said - oh G loves Italian she would love this restaurant and it is her birthday next week. So effectively it became her birthday meal with the DCS.
She is such an easy person to have as an SM and we had met many times before.
She does not come that often as it would defeat the object of the meals but every so often is fine. I am not in competition with her and we do actually like each other.
We were together ofr 18 yrs before the split, most of that was good times, that did not change. We are friends now and care deeply about each other but do i love him - absolutely not, the trust was irrevocably broken and too much crap happened. My DP will come as well when she does and we all get on as friends. It ahs taken time to get here but it is so much less stressful than when he was with the OW - I would hate to lose what we have and most importantly the DCs like it.
Someone in our scenario had to be the bigger person and swallow a lt of hurt - that was me, ut seeing my DCS happy has been worth it eventually