Partner treats me unfairly

[NDX]

Me and my partner have been together for 7 years, he has a son who I have brought up since he was 3 alongside him and his ex. My stepson has just turned 11 and has started high school which is bringing new challenges and behaviour to work through. On Friday we were going out for food, I asked my step son to put his coat on to which he responded i don’t need it. I replied you do, put the coat on mate. He then threw the coat on the floor, sat back in the car and refused to get out. My partner then gave me a look and walked off. The next day we went to visit family we had a lovely evening and upon leaving my stepson was on his phone. I said put your phone down and say bye to everyone nicely, he pulled a dirty look and continued on his phone. I said to my partner I’ve asked him to say bye, do you know why he’s in a mood? My step son then walked off in a mood once again. My partner then said I was in a mood and said he wasn’t going to referee the 2 of us. I said how I feel which is I am an adult not a child. I now feel I will get the blame when my stepson is moody or misbehaves. I have also explained to my partner that I can take a step back and not be involved in the parenting at all but I know this will cause distance and I will retreat from being myself. I have asked my partner to tell me exactly what I have done wrong but he just wants an easy life? Any help?

Sounds like u haven’t adjusted to him getting older and u need to learn to pick yr battles.

This is entirely a DH problem. He needs to decide whether you are allowed to continue parenting DSS or whether he is going to do it all alone with you distancing yourself. He can't just let you do the grunt work of loving and parenting his child and then pull the "he's not yours" card when it suits him. You need a serious conversation about this.

Separately, you need to adjust to the fact that DSS is transmogrifying into a grotty teenager and start picking your battles. If he doesn't want to wear his coat, let it go. He'll either be cold and wear it tomorrow, or he'll be fine.

I think you need to breathe a little 😂 I don't even make DS (5) wear his coat if he doesn't want to, and he hasn't died of hypothermia yet. Similarly, he's 11! He should be able to manage the saying goodbye to people thing. I think you've come across a little controlling and passive aggressive with the 'mate' and going immediately to your partner to get his input. Let your partner parent and if you want to help, be a listening ear to help him with the 8,000,000 concerns he'll having going into young adulthood. If you don't you'll end up rejected and ignored faster than a birth parent ever would. It's not fair, but that's step parenting.

My DD is 11 and it's definitely an age thing. I'm forever saying get a coat but it falls on deaf ears. So if she's cold it's her own fault. I agree with putting the phone down to say bye it's polite and if it was my daughter I'd take the phone off her. It is an age thing and it's hard adjusting I'm a single parent and I have learnt to pick and chose my battles. She is a really good child in general and when I hear some of her friends parents and how their kids behave I'm actually very grateful. Xxx

Thanks everyone. I feel extremely pushed to the curb when in one way I’m expected to be the “Mum”. Then I’m treated as a child. I think the issue I haven’t isn’t with my step son it’s my partners reaction to me and I’m the one to blame when my step sons attitude attitudes needs addressing. My partner doesn’t shout or take things away and I’ve learnt to partner in his style but it just never seems enough. He addresses me when I feel I haven’t done anything wrong instead of addressing his son’s behaviour. I’m 31, we’ve already put on hold having a child because my step son wasn’t ready but it’s getting to that time now and I’m just scared I’m wasting my time

I think the mate part has come across wrong I call him mate all the time. The last part is so true it’s so hard when the expectation is I am Mum and have been for 7 years but when it comes to discipline I can’t say a word, and this weekend I really didn’t say anything. It’s as if my partner can’t deal with his son being upset so would rather not parent but how is that standing him in good stead for his future. I’ve said I’ll take step back and won’t get involved but my partner then can’t expect me to be Mum in other ways

Let me guess, you do all the drudge work regarding your step son. You cook, clean up, launder etc Your husband likes an easy life which means he doesn't parent his son eg doesn't discipline him.

He's not your child, so I would take a big step back. Let his dad take care of his needs and parent him. Meanwhile you know exactly what he's like as a father, so think carefully before having a child with him.

He is 11 you are entering hormones and pre teen brain development impacts.

Why are you telling a child of that age to wear a coat? Surely they have capacity to decide if they want one or not. Things like that can subconsciously say to him you know his body temp more than him and it is frustrating and condescending.

So a perfect storm. Don't tell children this age to wear x and y. Unless there's profound challenges they have capacity to make those choices. These are very important small steps to being an independent person.

And honestly he may be past the "mate" stage. Acknowledgement of him getting older and independent is very important. It allows you then to discuss appropriate mutual respect.

If his parents have lighter discipline it is very unfair for you to bring heavier discipline. It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong it is the unfairness to him of different expectations.

Deffo pick your battles and step back. Let your DH discipline.

Sounds like you're struggling to find the right tone with him, and also struggling with him growing up.

Telling an 11 year old they need to wear their coat is ridiculous. You feel your partner treats you like a child, but you're treating your stepson like a baby. I'd recommend taking a step back. Give him space to make his own choices. Allow your partner to parent however he likes.

Definitely leave the coat thing. You can’t make them wear a coat at that age. I know my dc will moan if they’re cold but I say, Oh well it was up to you.

I agree with pps that you need to pick your battles at this age. Back off and leave your partner to it. He shouldn’t be moody with you though (your partner that is.)

It sounds like you have been very involved in the parenting but I’m not sure that was the right thing especially as you are now questioning how things will be if you have a child yourself.

You need to step back OP. Both from disciplining him and from parenting him. Personally I think it's up to DSS whether he wears a coat, but it's not reasonable of your DP to expect you to act like a mum in some ways and not in others.

He's old enough to choose to wear his coat or bring it with him to put on later if he needs it. I let my toddler do that within reason. Surely it's all about picking your battles?

I don't think you need to step back so much, after all you've been a mother figure since he was three. I do think I'd start observing how your partner parents now your step son is older and then have some discussions about adjustments as a family maybe.

If have a serious chat with you OH about whether he actually wants another child as this sounds like an excuse to be honest. And instead of just saying he doesn't want a child he's blaming it on SS not being ready. It's not up to a child to dictate when you expand your family.

The next one will the "the age gap is too big" "we've just got SS to an age where he's independent, I don't want to go back to the baby stage".

The teenage years are going to be very long if you don’t learn to pick your battles. You really are sweating the small stuff. It will be best for everyone if you take a massive step back and leave the parenting to dad.

I don't know what everyone is talking about, my DS would be bollocked if he threw his coat or was rudely on his phone rather than saying bye to people. I guess that's why so many people are growing up to be rude and entitled currently, because bad behaviour doesn't seem to be challenged.

Down tools, don't parent him anymore, dont clean clothes, cook food. Do lifts.
Stop. Tell your P, he can be the parent, it is his job.
You will not be blamed for his failure to set boundaries & have manners.

It sounds as if DP benefits from your labour but if you show any independence of thought he wants you back in line, uncomplaining. You're 31 and sound like you have been a great influence in DSS's life. Unsure what you get from this though. You've already put off children because of DSS (who's decision was this?). I'd go off and find someone to have a family with who actually respects you.

Would have left it alone with the coat. Let him figure that one out for himself.

As for the goodbye thing I think you didn’t need to draw attention to the phone or comment on saying goodby nicely sounds like nit picking and pointing out publicly that you think he’s rude. A gentle hand on shoulder and “let’s say goodbye shall we”

If he kept his phone and didn’t look up to say goodbye then yes that’s rude but if your DH isn’t willing to address it then I’m not sure you can do much other than say you’re not getting involved in any side of parenting from now on.

Problem is he’s not her ds and the husband isn’t interested in teaching manners. How I would handle my kids is different to how I would handle a step child.

As of usually the case the OP has a DH problem here.

Your DH is being silly. Your DSS is getting to that stroppy, absorbed by his phone age. But tolerance needs to be balanced with letting them know when they are behaving badly and telling them how to behave. Your DH should have backed you on both those occasions.

Thanks everyone I am going to try with taking a back seat when it comes to parenting just think I’m going to struggle with the everyday care being expected but I can’t voice any opinion. My partner does have a soft parenting approach which at times I don’t feel is best dependent on the situation , I do feel my partner over compensates for not being in his life full time.

I feel benched when I’ve worked hard to build a trusting relationship with my stepson. The way my partner treats me is the separate issue and I feel I’m at a point where I need to think seriously about what I want for my future as time is not on my side at 31. he can’t pick and chose when I am Mum and when I am
not “glorified babysitter” is the feeling I have today.

Why is there any expectation for you to be ‘mum’. There shouldn’t be.

Oh...

OP, you can't afford to wait much longer if you want to have a child. If your ss isn't ready now, is he ever going to be ready?

Leave him, he uses you to do the graft but won't treat you with respect in any other way, leave and find a man who likes you and doesn't have a reason to use you and make choices that suit you.
This man has stolen 7yrs off you, get rid.