Really struggling today

[loopsaloo]

Good god. If I knew that my life would be like this, I would never had married DH

Sorry you're struggling today @loopsaloo.

Sorry to hear it. I sympathise, in my experience it can be really shit - and doesn't get better...
Have a thought - maybe you should cut your losses?
Do you want to be equally unhappy in 20 years time?

It can be so shit, you can try your best, and nothing you do ever seems to be good enough.

But what I can promise is that it does get better. My DSS is 21 now, and has moved out, and things are so much better - we have a great relationship with him, and his mum can't interfere now he's an adult.

Honestly, I don't know what your issues are specifically, but assuming leaving isn't an option, it does get better. You won't - as PP said - be "equally as unhappy in 20 years".

Sorry 😔 @loopsaloo xx

I remember these days, hang in there. You don’t have to be around all the time - take yourself off for a coffee and cake, see friends, go to yoga.

What are you struggling with today?
I'm out the other side but remember it well and feel your struggle!

Not been there and never will but I do sympathise

I used to know someone who was a parent, step-parent and foster parent. No prizes for guessing which one she said was 100 times harder than the other two put together and she’d never do it again

Oh OP sympathies might not be what you’re looking for but as someone who walked away, I’m so much happier. I don’t have that overwhelming feeling of dread of what the visits will bring. I don’t think I’d put myself through it again. Disney dads are not for the faint hearted

It's a nightmare. SS is 23 and lives here full time. Came back from uni and moved straight in. We only got this house in October 2022 and I don't know what it's like to not have one of them here - SD is 25 and was angling to move in as soon as we had exchanged. She caused us nothing but upset - police at our door, lying, stealing, verbal abuse, demanding her hideous criminal boyfriends be allowed in the house.
She is living away now, but is pregnant with a random partners baby.
SS is lazy, very subtly arrogant and self righteous.
He works from home 4 days a week and spends the rest of his time laying on his ass, playing x box and is absolutely addicted to his phone. He plays it so loudly that it can be heard all over the house.
DH seems oblivious. I do all meal cooking, washing, ironing and cleaning, as well as 30 hrs a week in NHS.
It's difficult to confront anything as DH had zero emotional intelligence and goes straight to defence mode.
I'm so frustrated and angry.

I'd tell him it's time for the kids to move out.

This isn’t a step parenting dilemma this is a husband dilemma.

As a mature stepdad i struggle with often feeling excluded in everyday communication either by text or the rare phone about life
Have 2 in the late 30's that have lovely grandkids but dont see very often even though all live close by.
Their dad died several yrs ago so their mum & I are only family they have now.
Any others in similiar situation ??

Hey @Stepdad55 you will get a better response if you start a new thread of your own
👍🏼 Good luck

Morning and Thank u sally
New to this so just gave it a try as seems alot are frustrated and in similiar relationships 😏

What drama. Just split with him - if he wants to live with his son let him to it. Get your finances sorted to have your own place.
I would stop feeding them or doing their washing; take on extra hours to increase your savings during the split. Get a really good solicitor and beware of letting yourself be used like this again.

Out of curiosity, why do you stay? It sounds like hell.

Don’t put up with it, leave!

Your husband is the problem

FGS tell him that you have done your duty and time as SM and you now want your home to yourself

The SS can rent a room somewhere

As a FTSM to four children (two of which sound like younger versions of your SS), I'm dreading this happening in my life.

I wonder if small steps would be best to start with? Like not cooking meals and doing the housework for them.

Maybe start going out at teatime more regularly - get yourself a cheap meal somewhere, away from their vacuum of selfishness. Spend more time with your friends and family away from them, whilst you consider what to do.

You sound like you have spent many years giving of yourself. It's also interesting that they don't want to stay with their birth mother.

I hope you can find some respite from this.

Great advice FTstepmum ! We tried to get away most sunday afternoons for awhile when both were doing college/uni time course work,have about an hr away and then the phone calls wouod start - Where are u and when u coming home plus whats for tea 🙄

Having had a stepmum, and now having a dd whose parents both have partners, I'd say you have a husband problem.

He, and his ex, raised children into adults who think it's acceptable to behave like this.

My mum brought me up to treat people politely, even if I wasn't a fan. She taught me how to behave. My dad wouldn't have allowed me to be rude to his wife - or anyone else.

My former husband and I have done the same with dd - neither of us would tolerate the behaviours that would grow into this. Yours has.

You are reaping the results of his parenting. Or lack thereof.

Move out? Is that an option for you? I know that sounds flippant and it probably isn't an option...but it would solve a lot of your problems if you could.
Don't get caught up in the sunken cost fallacy, no house is worth being unhappy for if there are other options.

Thanks everyone for your words.
I feel really lost and unsure today.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Tell your dh he needs to pull his weight and sort his ss out. It would be ultimatum time for me, he either kicks his ss up the arse and he pulls his weight or you sell the house and go your separate ways