Alienating baby mum making our lives hell!

[TheLilacViper]

My partner and I have been together 8years and have 2 daughters together, he also has 2 kids 11 and 10 from a previous relationship. She is extremely high conflict, controlling and impossible to compromise with. She moved away 4 years ago around an hour and 30 minute drive away and refuses to do any travel so was forced to cut contact down to every other weekend and half of the holidays. During our weekends we had noticed that contact between baby mum and step children was ALOT it was continuous texting asking what they were eating for every meal telling them what time they should go to bed or making comments that it’s too late or too early if we were out it was asking where we were going. It escalated to a point that the kids were never putting their phones down as they were constantly having to update their mum and if they were pre occupied they would be bombarded with texts telling them that she is worried about them and then my partner would get a text asking them to check their phones and that she needs to have constant communication with them. She is always promising them to give them things when they get home (example, sleepovers with friends, presents ordered from Amazon, surprises, days out) which I feel makes them itch to go back home with their mum I don’t feel it’s fair when we only get the 2 days with them. My OH has had enough and has said the kids are not having their phones so that they can be in the moment when they’re with us and enjoy the 48 hours that they get while they’re here that they can tell her about their time when they get home. She has since blocked all of us from their phones including my 5 year old daughters iPad so she can’t FaceTime with her siblings! And has encouraged SD10 to call OH and tell him she won’t be seeing him anymore due to not being allowed her phone and that it’s her property to do with as she likes. This conversation was super awkward and out of character for my step daughter and she sounded uncomfortable and withdrawn. She absolutely loves coming to visit and hates any kind of confrontation so I’m certain she has been made to make this phonecall to her dad. Any advice on this. There is already a court order in place and this isn’t the only time she has stopped contact it happens every time my partner doesn’t ’do as she says’ we won’t be getting court involved it’s not fair on the kids and she’s already convinced them that it’s all their idea. I’m not sure if contacting their school maybe is the best course of action to get them support?

To be fair, I’d be quite bitter if the father of my babies left me when they were 1 and 2 years old. I realise that’s not overly helpful but might point out the mum probably isn’t unreasonable in not being the easiest co parent.

The best course of action for you is to step way back and not be involved. Let your partner sort it out with his ex, via the courts if necessary, putting the children's wellbeing first.

It's clear from the ages of the children that you must have been the OW in their breakup so it's really important that you aren't involved at all. you edited your OP to reduce the length of your relationship to be less close to the age of their child. Hmm.

This is why I would only date a man with kids if his ex wife/partner was dead.

Thats a bit of an assumption!

Unsurprising that she loathes you and isn't handling having to hand over her kids to you very well. Unfortunately when adults behave selfishly and blow each others' lives up, it's invariably the children who get the shitty end of the stick.

You need to stay out of it and let your husband deal with his ex and his children. Any intervention from you is likely to make an already painful situation worse.

So it could be you are totally reasonable.

it could be the children’s mum is.

it could be somewhere in the middle.

no-one here can give you sensible answers

one thing I want to ask though, is: why are you doing the worrying and ‘family work’ about this?? What is your partner doing? Is he spending time stressing on social media

be really careful you aren’t doing the ‘female’ relationship-solving role. No one actually values that. Men don’t tend to do it. Your step kids won’t value it at all as all they are interested in is a relationship with their dad (sorry, but it’s true) and potentially their half siblings although you can’t guarantee that.

maybe things would be easier if he had them for 50% of the time?

I’ve edited my post and mistyped on original post it’s been 8 years and the breakup was due to her being coercive controlling and was unfaithful my OH is extremely passive and was practically pushed out the door by her. This has been confirmed by her when we were amicable. This control has now been passed onto her kids who she is now using to try to manipulate my OH into doing everything she wants.

What an idiotic comment.
However bitter she is she should not be using her children as weapons. The pressure they must be under to be constantly updating their mum and making forced phone calls to their dad is horrible.
By all means, feel upset. But keep those feelings to yourself, don't pass your bitterness and resentment onto your kids and make it their problem too.
Op it sounds very hard. I don't have much practical advice other than keep communication open as much as you can and seek legal advice because what she is doing is controlling and wrong. She is damaging her children because of her own agenda.

Good luck OP. this can never be baby mum’s fault, it’s clearly your useless husband’s who will up and leave you too because he’s a shit dad and you are stupid for going near him in the first place

mumsnet is a cesspit for step parents. OP some mums are just like this. My husbands ex girlfriend is alienating him something shocking and I came on looking advice and it was apparently my husbands fault. You have my full sympathies Op xx

lol I didn’t do that atall I wasn’t involved in the breakup and wasn’t the other woman I edited the post as I mistyped the length of our relationship me and my partner got together after he had moved out after a very abusive relationship while his children were still very young.

It's like one of those make up your own storyline books on this thread

Ok, it’s entirely possible the mum is abusive.

has your partner applied to court for a greater share of residency?

If a bio mum was on here saying that she constantly contacts her kids on their dad's time, demands to know what they're doing, forces them to cease contact etc she'd have her arse handed to her. And rightly so. It's disgusting behaviour.

But op since you're a stepmum and people on here are twats it's clearly all yours and your dh fault.

Why are people excusing this type of abusive behaviour on children?

I’m actually shocked people have actually read my post and are actually trying to defend her is beyond belief! Accusing me of breaking up their relationship!? I’ve come here looking for some advice to help my partner help his kids!

I see someone accused you of being the other woman too. Honestly it’s like the most predictable bingo in the world. And here’s another controversial opinion and it’s hard to do but trust me it makes life easier as a step parent: focus on your own kids and whatever will be will be re step kids. That may sound cold but I’ve learned it the hard way and don’t say it lightly x

Pardon? Did you even read my post? Where exactly does it say that I’ve blown anybody’s lives up? I am staying out of it! I’m on here trying to get advice so that I can support my partner I don’t plan on getting involved atall, this is something I know is effecting my step kids and what she is doing is actually abusive! It’s unbelievable your outlook on this is that she loathes me when she loathes a lack of control and would be prepared compromise her own kids mental health to get it!

@TheLilacViper
People on this forum always say its the step mums and the dads fault, she sounds awful, she done the moving so she should be doing the travelling for starters, using her kids like that it awful, they will grow up hating her and seeing right through her, take the phones of them as soon as they enter the house, they can turn them on for an hour in the evening. You will always get the blame yo for being the home racker and breaking the family up.

It’s a bit of an overreaction, DH taking the phones away. Surely
there could have been a better compromise, like the girls sending-a good update breakfast and tea time.

your DH should ask his kids what they think would be a good solution to the problem.

'baby mum' 🙄

I’ve found it very strange the way people have reacted to this post I’ve given the facts I wanted advice on. Like I’m not going crazy right? This is abusive behaviour? People are actually trying to say well that’s fine because I’ve decided you took away her husband!😂😂 god help me

The phones have been taken away because the mum is intrusive and controlling their time at their dads by demanding continuous contact. It’s 48 hours. This would have never been needed but my partner has spoken to her about allowing the kids to enjoy their time without needed to be on their phones and she’s said no! No limiting of screen time. The thing is the kids don’t even care about the phones but get into trouble for not responding to their mum within 5 minutes! She is abusive as a narcissist. It’s not an over reaction atall

Funny in all of my post you choose to get offended by my use of words, I thought that was nice considering the type of person that she is. She’s fucking her kids heads up and your write ‘baby mum🙄’

I don't think confiscating the phones is the answer. It's his ex your dp has a problem with, why punish the kids by confiscating their phones?

Your SD is saying she doesn't want to visit any more, and you've decided she doesn't mean it - can you be sure? I wouldn't have wanted to visit my dad if he confiscated my phone, either.

A better solution would have been to have set times in the day to text/video call their mum.

The kids being constantly on their phones isn't necessarily all due to their mum. They could be texting friends, checking homework on Google classroom, just browsing the net etc. Then when your (controlling?) Dp asked them why, they blamed their mum texting them

This is not it atall I’ve stated in my posts that they are not bothered by their phones. We have been shown the messages where she’s telling them off for not responded and texting my OH that she needs them to have their phones on them at all times. OH made the decision to take the phones so that the kids aren’t having their time here taken over by mum. OH is not controlling in any way she was abusive in their relationship and still threatens him physically she’s been known to tell her kids that our younger 2 daughters aren’t they’re real sisters and texts them things like ‘bet your fed up with it at your dads now you’ll be back with me soon’ you shouldn’t assume OH is the controlling one for doing what he felt was in the best interest of his kids.