Am I being unreasonable :(

Billyvanillie · 2024-10-16T12:52:36+00:00

I have been with my partner for over 10 years. I have 2 children that are 21 & 19 and both moved out with work. My partner has a son that turns 19 this month. The last 10 years he has stayed every weekend, which I have accepted and enjoyed. However, I would really like a weekend a month with my partner to go for a trip away or just do something the two of us. I would never stop him coming, I advocate them going away together every year but 10 years of doing my own thing every weekend or working is boring and I would like to do something, just the two of us. My partner is really upset with me but I have had enough now. Am I being unreasonable ?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 16/10/2024 13:54

Of course you're not unreasonable but you know that. He's 19, surely he wants to spend weekends with his friends also.

Illpickthatup · 16/10/2024 13:58

He's 19. He's an adult. It's a bit weird that he's still sticking to a parenting schedule at that age. Either he stays at mums when you go away or he can stay at yours on his own.

My 17yo SS lives with us full time and we still do loads of things as a couple. We even went on holiday for 10days and he just stayed at home and had his GF over a few nights. Honestly if we suggested he hang out with us every weekend he'd probably tell us to get lost. He has his own friends and things to do.

changedlife · 16/10/2024 14:07

That's just bonkers ! Wtf is a 19 year old doing hanging out with his dad every weekend. ? Does he have no friends ? SEND.. ?

If no. Then he is being ridiculous.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/10/2024 20:23

Reading this board I've noticed how often the NRP treats their DC as if they were much younger than they really are, it's as if because they don't see them all the time they don't want to admit their DC are growing up. If your SS is 19 then he's an adult and I'm surprised he still wants to spend his weekends at his Dad's but your DH doesn't see it that way, he's upset you don't want his DS to visit all the time. Does your SS not have any friends he wants to see or hobbies he wants to do, or is it possible he comes weekends because he thinks his Dad will be upset if he doesn't? I think this is a talk you all need to have together to see what's happening here because your request for 1 weekend in four is not unreasonable

mitogoshigg · 16/10/2024 20:25

Nothing wrong with him coming but it's fine to leave a 19 year old!

socks1107 · 16/10/2024 20:28

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You've been incredibly patient to wait this long.

Floofydawg · 16/10/2024 20:58

Have you never been away with your partner on your own in your entire relationship? Never? Because of the SS visiting? If you haven't, that's insane

Original poster

Billyvanillie · 16/10/2024 23:06

We go away for a holiday together once, maybe twice a year and my partner has call with work about 6 times a year, so that probably means he doesn't come down for approximately 8 weekends out of 52 in a rolling year.

OP posts:

BTTH · 17/10/2024 01:15

Illpickthatup · 16/10/2024 13:58

He's 19. He's an adult. It's a bit weird that he's still sticking to a parenting schedule at that age. Either he stays at mums when you go away or he can stay at yours on his own.

My 17yo SS lives with us full time and we still do loads of things as a couple. We even went on holiday for 10days and he just stayed at home and had his GF over a few nights. Honestly if we suggested he hang out with us every weekend he'd probably tell us to get lost. He has his own friends and things to do.

This. It's a 17 year old DSD in our case but we leave her for long weekends now and again. We know if we return to a spotless house that she's had friends over. If the dishes are sitting in the sink she hasn't. It's good for her and for us. Maybe ask your DH about you going away one weekend without suggesting his son doesn't visit? Because that's how resident parents treat older teenagers, your DSS should feel at home in your house, he's welcome any time but you can leave him there by himself every now and again.

Ponderingwindow · 17/10/2024 01:19

He is 19 and is going to start living his own life and even moving into his own home before you can blink. Why push the issue now?

or if you must, why not suggest his son start splitting his time between homes? Have him spend more time at your house, but that way it’s not always on weekends.

Illpickthatup · 17/10/2024 06:23

Ponderingwindow · 17/10/2024 01:19

He is 19 and is going to start living his own life and even moving into his own home before you can blink. Why push the issue now?

or if you must, why not suggest his son start splitting his time between homes? Have him spend more time at your house, but that way it’s not always on weekends.

The woman's been with her partner for 10 years and never had a weekend away just the two of them. That's ridiculous. Even parents who aren't separated have time away from the kids and trips away just as a couple. I don't think it's too much to ask that after 10 years she is prioritised for once over an adult child.

Futurethinking2026 · 17/10/2024 06:28

He’s 19 why on earth can’t you just get on with your life?

We have a 12 & 18 year old and we barely see them on weekends (unless we bribe them with food or Starbucks).

We’ve left the 18 year old at home while we go on holiday let alone out for the day / weekend.

Thursdaygirl · 18/10/2024 10:26

Reading this board I've noticed how often the NRP treats their DC as if they were much younger than they really are, it's as if because they don't see them all the time they don't want to admit their DC are growing up. If your SS is 19 then he's an adult and I'm surprised he still wants to spend his weekends at his Dad's but your DH doesn't see it that way

This is so true. When DSS was younger, he was completely infantilised by the 'set in stone' visiting schedule, the ex insisted it was strictly adhered to, right up until he went to Uni. So he never quite developed a normal teenage life because that didn't fit with the schedule. DH was too scared of his ex to challenge this, and if DSS hadn't gone to Uni, I fear we'd still have the same schedule even now ......

TeenLifeMum · 18/10/2024 12:44

Surely he can come over in the same way a 19 yo living at home would, but you just say you’re away for the weekend we’ve left pizza in the fridge but you’ll need to sort other meals. I don’t see why he can’t be in his own family home and you continue to I’ve your lives.

I’m not sure sdc see it as “visiting”, they see it as being in one of their homes.

Thursdaygirl · 18/10/2024 13:38

TeenLifeMum · 18/10/2024 12:44

Surely he can come over in the same way a 19 yo living at home would, but you just say you’re away for the weekend we’ve left pizza in the fridge but you’ll need to sort other meals. I don’t see why he can’t be in his own family home and you continue to I’ve your lives.

I’m not sure sdc see it as “visiting”, they see it as being in one of their homes.

Edited

But why would he need to come over if his Dad and the OP are away? That's just ridiculous.

Polkad · 18/10/2024 14:46

Why have you tolerated this?

TeenLifeMum · 18/10/2024 15:42

Thursdaygirl · 18/10/2024 13:38

But why would he need to come over if his Dad and the OP are away? That's just ridiculous.

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Because it’s his home. He’s not “coming over” he’s going to his weekend family home, where he lives. What if his mum was away too, why is mum’s house the default? This is why dc can struggle with a sense of belonging when parents split. The family home (usually dad’s) becomes a place you visit and not your home.

Dollybantree · 18/10/2024 15:47

Whether he comes to your house or stays at his mums for the weekend it’s absolute madness that you don’t ever have a weekend away because of the visiting arrangements at age 19!!!? He’s an adult!

You have a dh problem I’m afraid. Is he using it as an excuse bc he doesn’t want to go away? We regularly leave our 15 & 18 yo’s alone overnight. They love it.
Your situation is weird AF.

Thursdaygirl · 18/10/2024 15:54

TeenLifeMum · 18/10/2024 15:42

Because it’s his home. He’s not “coming over” he’s going to his weekend family home, where he lives. What if his mum was away too, why is mum’s house the default? This is why dc can struggle with a sense of belonging when parents split. The family home (usually dad’s) becomes a place you visit and not your home.

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If he were 8, you would have a more valid argument. But at age 19 he really shouldn't need to have any sort of visiting arrangement. And whether we like to admit it or not, most children with separated parents live with Mum and visit Dad. (unless its 50/50 - which you'd still expect to end before age 19). Which is why Mum's house is the default, as everyone needs a 'base.' Rocking up as per a rota when you're 19 is really unhealthy.

But I suspect the ex is one of the drivers behind this.

Dollybantree · 18/10/2024 16:01

But I suspect the ex is one of the drivers behind this.

But the dh should be saying “right, ds is an adult now so it seems obvious we can be more flexible about when he’s here as DW and I want to start going away at weekends”. Why isn’t he saying that? It suggests there’s more behind it (ie he doesn’t want to go for weekends away)

It’s really, really odd to even be having that conversation though, most teens would’ve naturally stopped going every weekend from a much younger age bc they have their own life.

When does this young man see his own friends? Does he work/go to uni?

It all sounds extremely odd and unhealthy.

Snorlaxo · 18/10/2024 16:04

I have a kid that ahe and he’d be delighted to have the house to himself for the weekend. I can’t believe that you don’t just leave him at home and go away for the weekend sometimes.

Coconutter24 · 18/10/2024 16:08

Illpickthatup · 17/10/2024 06:23

The woman's been with her partner for 10 years and never had a weekend away just the two of them. That's ridiculous. Even parents who aren't separated have time away from the kids and trips away just as a couple. I don't think it's too much to ask that after 10 years she is prioritised for once over an adult child.

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OP has been away, they go away once or twice a year she said for a holiday so it’s not like she’s never been away but I do understand wanting to go away more

TeenLifeMum · 18/10/2024 16:09

Thursdaygirl · 18/10/2024 15:54

If he were 8, you would have a more valid argument. But at age 19 he really shouldn't need to have any sort of visiting arrangement. And whether we like to admit it or not, most children with separated parents live with Mum and visit Dad. (unless its 50/50 - which you'd still expect to end before age 19). Which is why Mum's house is the default, as everyone needs a 'base.' Rocking up as per a rota when you're 19 is really unhealthy.

But I suspect the ex is one of the drivers behind this.

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That’s really sad but it seems many agree with you. While dc haven’t left home, their home should be their home - whether it’s their mum’s or their dad’s. It’s been his home every weekend for years and now, suddenly, he’s expected to charge to mums because he’s not wanted. That sucks.

Dollybantree · 18/10/2024 16:13

TeenLifeMum · 18/10/2024 16:09

That’s really sad but it seems many agree with you. While dc haven’t left home, their home should be their home - whether it’s their mum’s or their dad’s. It’s been his home every weekend for years and now, suddenly, he’s expected to charge to mums because he’s not wanted. That sucks.

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The Op hasn’t said he should stay at his mums though or given the impression that he’s not wanted. In fact she said:

I would never stop him coming, I advocate them going away together every year but 10 years of doing my own thing every weekend or working is boring and I would like to do something, just the two of us

So it sounds like the Op is expected to go off by herself or go to work at weekends bc it’s “father and son time”.

Thats crazy and massively unfair on the step-mum. I’m surprised you haven’t kicked back much sooner Op?

Thursdaygirl · 18/10/2024 16:15

Dollybantree · 18/10/2024 16:01

But I suspect the ex is one of the drivers behind this.

But the dh should be saying “right, ds is an adult now so it seems obvious we can be more flexible about when he’s here as DW and I want to start going away at weekends”. Why isn’t he saying that? It suggests there’s more behind it (ie he doesn’t want to go for weekends away)

It’s really, really odd to even be having that conversation though, most teens would’ve naturally stopped going every weekend from a much younger age bc they have their own life.

When does this young man see his own friends? Does he work/go to uni?

It all sounds extremely odd and unhealthy.

In our case, DH was keen to pursue a more age-appropriate arrangement, but the ex was fiercely keen to preserve her DSS-free time, and insisted he come to us as per the schedule (which was devised when DSS was 10). DSS didn't want to upset his mother, and didn't have much of a teenage social life, mainly due to the schedule, so DH took the path of least resistance and backed down.

Many men would rather keep their ex wives happy in preference to their current wives, seems to be a thing with separate parents.