Page 2 | Am I being unreasonable :(

Billyvanillie · 2024-10-16T12:52:36+00:00

I have been with my partner for over 10 years. I have 2 children that are 21 & 19 and both moved out with work. My partner has a son that turns 19 this month. The last 10 years he has stayed every weekend, which I have accepted and enjoyed. However, I would really like a weekend a month with my partner to go for a trip away or just do something the two of us. I would never stop him coming, I advocate them going away together every year but 10 years of doing my own thing every weekend or working is boring and I would like to do something, just the two of us. My partner is really upset with me but I have had enough now. Am I being unreasonable ?

Thursdaygirl · 18/10/2024 16:23

TeenLifeMum · 18/10/2024 16:09

That’s really sad but it seems many agree with you. While dc haven’t left home, their home should be their home - whether it’s their mum’s or their dad’s. It’s been his home every weekend for years and now, suddenly, he’s expected to charge to mums because he’s not wanted. That sucks.

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Its the strict visiting schedule that's unwanted, not necessarily the young adult. I'm not going to call a 19yr old a child!

Dollybantree · 18/10/2024 16:25

Thursdaygirl · 18/10/2024 16:15

In our case, DH was keen to pursue a more age-appropriate arrangement, but the ex was fiercely keen to preserve her DSS-free time, and insisted he come to us as per the schedule (which was devised when DSS was 10). DSS didn't want to upset his mother, and didn't have much of a teenage social life, mainly due to the schedule, so DH took the path of least resistance and backed down.

Many men would rather keep their ex wives happy in preference to their current wives, seems to be a thing with separate parents.

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Ok but in that case what’s the problem with leaving the adult son alone for the weekend? It’s perfectly normal.

How long is this going to go on for? Until he’s in his 30’s and married?

I would think at this age all previous maintenance/visitation rights are defunct as the child is now an adult. What is the df so scared of? He sounds spineless and uncaring of his wife’s (very normal and expected) wishes.

As I said, the problem is with the dh.

Thursdaygirl · 18/10/2024 16:37

Ok but in that case what’s the problem with leaving the adult son alone for the weekend? It’s perfectly normal.

@Dollybantree But what's the point in him visiting an empty house for the weekend? I don't think that's normal at all.

SometimesCalmPerson · 18/10/2024 16:42

If this father and son still enjoy spending weekends together and they are happy with the arrangement then that’s up to them. No one else except one of them has the right to complain or try and change it.

DeliciousApples · 18/10/2024 16:58

So you need to ask DH what the problem is.

Is it because he wants to see his son?

Is it because he fears his son or the sons mother will be either hurt or nasty to DH

Is it because DH doesn't want to go away with you?

I can't think of any other reasons but there may be one.

The first compromise I can think of is if it's about DH and his son, that DH and son go out for a meal together on a weeknight instead of seeing each other at the weekend, DH pays, ie once a month. That way they see each other. The boy is welcome to stay in his usual bedroom etc while you're away.

If it's a DH problem I'm not sure what can be done. But talking about it is the way forward.

Thursdaygirl · 18/10/2024 17:00

SometimesCalmPerson · 18/10/2024 16:42

If this father and son still enjoy spending weekends together and they are happy with the arrangement then that’s up to them. No one else except one of them has the right to complain or try and change it.

However if you're the long term partner of the father, you'd be justified in feeling a bit p*ssed off.

Original poster

Billyvanillie · 20/10/2024 12:37

Why is he in a relationship with me then, surely we deserve some us time ?
We are almost 50 and I didn't expect to be accommodating his son every weekend still.
A great example of this weekend....
I have the weekend off, his son and gf came Thursday night until 6pm Saturday night. We arranged to go for a bottomless brunch and cocktails today (sunday) but his son just called and said his gf left her retainer in his room. They lives 45 minute's away, Our slot is in the next hour but My partner is now driving halfway to meet him to drop the retainer off but he will only have virgin cocktails now so we can still go ?
They both drive but again, rather than say we are going out, come and pick it up he will happily change our plans to accommodate.....I feel like such a second though constantly, I am thinking of chucking the towel in.

OP posts:

MayaPinion · 20/10/2024 12:44

He's 19. He has a key (I presume). Just let him come and go as he pleases. He really doesn't need to be treated like a special little soldier at that age. And your DH is crazy for missing out on an afternoon to relax with you when your DSS is perfectly capable of driving back to collect his girlfriend's retainer or waiting until Thursday and getting it then. Did he phone and expect his father to drop everything and go running after them?

Polkad · 20/10/2024 12:48

Op, I think you should indeed be rethinking the relationship.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 20/10/2024 12:56

Unless his mother kicks him out at the weekend to follow her own pursuits, there's no reason that a 19 year old, who drives, can't go where he wishes without your DH being in constant attendance. This is bonkers. Is this going to be a life long thing? Will he be doing this when his son is 35? 45? Can he give you any indication of when he might feel able to view him as an independant adult?
If not and he's not even able to have a discussion about it, I think your options are limited and I'd be booking things with my friends and leaving them to it.

Illpickthatup · 20/10/2024 13:02

Billyvanillie · 20/10/2024 12:37

Why is he in a relationship with me then, surely we deserve some us time ?
We are almost 50 and I didn't expect to be accommodating his son every weekend still.
A great example of this weekend....
I have the weekend off, his son and gf came Thursday night until 6pm Saturday night. We arranged to go for a bottomless brunch and cocktails today (sunday) but his son just called and said his gf left her retainer in his room. They lives 45 minute's away, Our slot is in the next hour but My partner is now driving halfway to meet him to drop the retainer off but he will only have virgin cocktails now so we can still go ?
They both drive but again, rather than say we are going out, come and pick it up he will happily change our plans to accommodate.....I feel like such a second though constantly, I am thinking of chucking the towel in.

This is absolutely ridiculous. Please put yourself first and leave this idiot. He is never going to prioritise you, you'd be better of on your own doing your own thing without having your plans constantly trampled on.

This is never going to get better and what will happen is if the son does eventually move out and has a kid, you DH will start doing the same thing and dropping everything because his son needs a babysitter. You'll be bottom of the pile again.

Floofydawg · 20/10/2024 16:09

@Billyvanillie I wouldn't put up with the shit you've just described in your last post. You need a serious conversation with him about his priorities.

StormingNorman · 20/10/2024 21:50

OP it’s been 10 years. He’s always going to want to spend time with his child more than he wants to spend time with you. He is always going to prioritise his son, even if that means cancelling or changing plans with you.

My guess is that DH wanted to meet halfway with the retainer so he could spend a little bit more time with his son.

It’s sad for you and your DP as ultimately you’ll need to move on alone and DP will end up very lonely. If the GF comes to stay too, I don’t see this changing. Both men are happy with it! It will carry on indefinitely until the grandchildren arrive.

Thursdaygirl · 21/10/2024 08:35

It’s sad for you and your DP as ultimately you’ll need to move on alone and DP will end up very lonely. If the GF comes to stay too, I don’t see this changing. Both men are happy with it! It will carry on indefinitely until the grandchildren arrive.

Its the most cringey situation and you're probably right about grandchildren .....

Woolftown · 21/10/2024 08:48

Surely his GF must find this set-up odd. Don’t they want to have a whole weekend to themselves sometimes too. I agree these rigid schedules need to be relaxed after a certain age - it’s a natural part of growing up.

Illpickthatup · 21/10/2024 12:49

Woolftown · 21/10/2024 08:48

Surely his GF must find this set-up odd. Don’t they want to have a whole weekend to themselves sometimes too. I agree these rigid schedules need to be relaxed after a certain age - it’s a natural part of growing up.

Exactly. My DSS17 loves when DH and I go away for the weekend or away on holiday as he and his GF can have the house to themselves.

Lavenderflower · 21/10/2024 12:58

I don't think there any wrong with son attending but I do think it is odd that he can't be left to his own device. He can still come over and stay and you and partner do your own thing.

Tumbler2121 · 21/10/2024 13:06

Sounds like DSS uses your place like a hotel, bet he’d love you to go away so he and girlfriend get the place to themselves. As people often say on here … DH is the problem

Thursdaygirl · 21/10/2024 14:08

Lavenderflower · 21/10/2024 12:58

I don't think there any wrong with son attending but I do think it is odd that he can't be left to his own device. He can still come over and stay and you and partner do your own thing.

But as I said up-thread, what's the point in the son "visiting" for the weekend when his Dad's not there? I never visit my Dad when he's out ?!?

Polkad · 22/10/2024 07:53

You'd be surprised.
My friends 25 year old son suddenly started a habit of wanting to come for the weekend with his new girlfriend even though they lived not far away in two house shares, but not together.
They suddenly started arriving fridays evenings.
They liked her home, full fridge, long hot showers, their own living room, sunday roast.
After the 4th weekend in a row my friend told her son, no more.

Her house was not their weekend place and was no longer going to be used as such.
He tried to take offence but she told him he absolutely could take offence, she really didn't care. She wasn't running a country hotel for him to entertain his latest girlfriend in comfort at the expense of her privacy at the weekend.
My friend works fulltime in a busy career.

She made it crystal clear that he needed to contact her in future to check if coming for the weekend suited her and absolutely no more casual girlfriends.

Thursdaygirl · 22/10/2024 11:50

Polkad · 22/10/2024 07:53

You'd be surprised.
My friends 25 year old son suddenly started a habit of wanting to come for the weekend with his new girlfriend even though they lived not far away in two house shares, but not together.
They suddenly started arriving fridays evenings.
They liked her home, full fridge, long hot showers, their own living room, sunday roast.
After the 4th weekend in a row my friend told her son, no more.

Her house was not their weekend place and was no longer going to be used as such.
He tried to take offence but she told him he absolutely could take offence, she really didn't care. She wasn't running a country hotel for him to entertain his latest girlfriend in comfort at the expense of her privacy at the weekend.
My friend works fulltime in a busy career.

She made it crystal clear that he needed to contact her in future to check if coming for the weekend suited her and absolutely no more casual girlfriends.

Your friend was absolutely right to put her foot down!